Things were not going as I had planned. Although, to say I had a plan would be a gross overstatement. My current situation was still less than ideal. Particularly the part where the cute tomboy was currently laughing her ass off at me.

  "Bahahahaha!"

  That was her, if you couldn't tell. She was doubled over, holding onto her gut, pointing at me while doing her best impression of a hyena. She was not, unfortunately, rolling on the floor with laughter, as that would at least let me see up her skirt.

  As it was, I could only sit on the pavement, contorting my face into the manliest pout I could.

  But you might be wondering what led to this situation. Well, let me weave you a tale of the not-so-distant past…

  There I was, fleeing for my dignity, Tatsuki hot on my heels. I could feel her presence right behind me, drawing ever closer with each passing second. She called out to me, demanding my unconditional surrender.

  But Ushio does not surrender. He is far too much of a pain in the ass to ever consider such an option. So he, or I, continued to sprint away. I turned back to look at her, to see how much distance there was between us.

  Not much. Those long, smooth legs of hers were sure fast. And you see, that was my downfall. Taken out by a tiny skirt that left very little to my imagination.

  Also a truck.

  You see, distracted as I was by dem legs, I failed to realize that I had wandered into traffic. And as I jaywalked, or ran, technically, I was struck by none other than Truck-kun, seeking to Isekai me once again.

  Not sure what I did to piss him off, but he tried his damndest to take me out. As the bumper struck my not so fragile person, I remember a feeling of weightlessness, like a bird soaring on an updraft. It was incredibly freeing.

  My collision with the ground, however… not so much. Kind of the exact opposite of freedom, honestly.

  As I lay there on the cold, hard asphalt, Truck-kun vanished into thin air, as if he was never there to begin with. Or he took off like a bat out of hell, standard hit and run practice. Probably didn't want to deal with the police.

  Or the insurance company.

  Tatsuki called my name in worry, running up to me and kneeling by my side. What a sweet girl she is. Of course, I made the terrible mistake of telling her I was just fine, rising to my feet like I hadn't been almost assassinated by a speeding vehicle.

  In retrospect, that was a mistake. I should have gone for the sympathy play rather than the alpha male bravado route I chose. If I had, what happened next might not have happened.

  Seeing that I was just fine, Tatsuki released a sigh of relief before her expression morphed into one of cat-like mischief. You know the one. It was both nerve inducing and arousing.

  Before I knew what was happening, she had my beanie in her hand, staring up at my bald head blankly. That didn't last for very long, however, because as soon as her brain computed what it saw, the laughter began.

  And now you're all caught up.

  I glared at Tatsuki who continued to laugh at me. Even though I was irritated with her, I couldn't help but be impressed with her lung capacity. I don't think she's taken a breath this entire time.

  I'll have to keep that in mind for later. Future Ushio is a lucky man.

  "Are you done yet?" present Ushio asked as her laughter eventually started to peter out.

  "Yeah, just… hoo boy, give me a minute," she said, little giggles escaping her lips every time she took a glance at me. It was about this time when Ichigo and Orihime caught up to us.

  Because why wouldn't it be?

  "Oh my gosh, Tatsuki! Are you ok?" Orihime asked, seeing her teary-eyed friend. If only she knew those tears were due to mocking me, maybe she wouldn't be so concerned.

  "I'm fine, but Ushio-snrk-Ushio looks pretty bad. Maybe you should take a look at him?" she suggested, barely able to keep in the laughter. I will so get her back for this. Her and the blond midget.

  "Oh, are you in… jured?" Orihime said, her tone delving into steep confusion as she laid eyes on me. Or more specifically, my head.

  "Geez, I thought you liked being bald. Or was all that bravado?" Ichigo asked, a smirk on his face. It was weird, seeing the amused face of his mixed with his natural resting bitch face.

  "Baldness is nothing to be ashamed about Ushio. But if you're really that embarrassed, I think my neighbor has an old toupee you could have," Orihime chimed in with her usual bubbly demeanor.

  A bubbly demeanor that didn't help matters in the slightest, as her suggestion sent Tatsuki into another fit of uproarious laughter. Hell, even Ichigo looked like he was about to burst out laughing, and I don't remember that guy laughing ever!

  "I… appreciate the thought, Orihime, but I'm not embarrassed about being bald. Some shit went down last night, and an evil little goblin pulled a prank on me, that's all," I said, doing my best not to be a dick to the overly kind girl.

  And not just because it would hurt my relationship with Tatsuki. Hurting Orihime's feelings wouldn't be much different than kicking a puppy. Only someone on the level of a Disney villain would do something so callous.

  Like Dio.

  "A goblin?" Orihime asked, confused, tilting her head.

  "Yep, an incredibly violent, blonde goblin," I remarked, my tone bland.

  "So why don't you just wash it off?" asked Ichigo, still with a cocky smirk on his face.

  "I tried. Damn stuff won't come off. Maybe I should have tried paint remover…" I mumbled, getting a sweat drop from the others.

  "Well I think it looks good," Tatsuki said, but her tone was anything but sincere, making me glare at her.

  "Haha, very funny. Give me that," I said, snatching the beanie from her. She continued to snicker even as I put it on.

  "Now, can we just go to school already," I said, putting it back on before stomping off.

  "Come on, don't pout! Wait for us!" Tatsuki said, racing to catch up, likely so she can tease me some more.

  Along the way we met up with another familiar face, and one of the few people actually taller than myself, Chad. Ichigo greeted him with the utmost enthusiasm, which meant he basically said, "Sup."

  And Chad returned such a boisterous greeting with one of his own.

  "Hey."

  After that, Ichigo introduced us to his best buddy. I say us, but Tatsuki already knew who he was, so it was just me and Orihime meeting someone new. And apparently, because Chad and I were so tall, Orihime believed we must be related.

  Not sure how she came to that conclusion, but she was awfully proud of her "deduction." Tatsuki sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying her best to steer her friend away from the wild conspiracy theories she was rambling off when we told her we weren't related.

  Her first one involved me getting abducted by aliens. She chose me because I'm bald and figured I must have lost my hair during the probing. Then, when the aliens were finished with my rectum, they forgot where they picked me up, and left me in Japan, where I would, after years of being apart, find my long lost brother.

  Yeah… she's a bit of a weird one, but I bet she'd have a killer podcast. After all, if Alex Jones could do it, so can she. Her tits are way bigger!

  Tatsuki found that particular theory hilarious, probably because I get probed in it. She was leaning against me for support, unable to keep herself from falling over laughing.

  Hell, I'm pretty sure I even heard Chad chuckle at that one.

  I enjoyed the one where I was taken and raised by ninjas, trained as a deadly assassin to help an evil organization take over the world. But when I learned of their plans, I fled, but not before sabotaging them.

  Bet she'd freak if she caught me in my ninja getup.

  The five of us continued making our way towards school, tuning out the possibly insane girl's ramblings. As fun as it was to secretly watch her giant honkers bounce around with her enthusiastic storytelling, having to listen to it was mind numbing.

  How did Tatsuki put up with it all the time? Looking over at her, I could see the dead eyed stare of a drowned fish. She was checked all the way out.

  Guess that's how she did it.

  But she also seemed to know when Orihime switched from something insane to a regular topic, like hoping they're all in the same homeroom. Tatsuki's eyes immediately gained sentience to them as she engaged the other girl in idle gossip.

  It was kind of impressive, not gonna lie.

  But eventually we reached the front gates. We made our way into the courtyard amongst the throngs of other students. As we did, my razor sharp ears picked up on a few curious snippets.

  "Oh my gosh, look at them? Are they delinquents?"

  "They have to be. I mean look at that guy's hair. No one but a delinquent would dye their hair that color."

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

  "Oh him. I heard he's part of a gang. How could they let someone in like that?"

  "Well, sounds like we're popular," I commented dryly. Ok, so maybe I didn't need the ears of a fox to hear the bullshit, because they were not being subtle about it.

  "You can thank Ichigo for that. Maybe if he didn't go around picking a fight with every juvenile delinquent in town, people wouldn't think you're one of them," Tatsuki remarked, giving him an exasperated look.

  "Shut up," Ichigo so eloquently responded.

  It was weird, how fixated they were on his hair. That was what seemed to be the tipping point for most of them. A few mentioned mine and Chad's height being the reason we were so scary, but they were few and far in between. Guess weird hair color is just more frightening than two large, muscle bound dudes.

  I was a bit offended when they called us his henchmen. What, just because I'm big and jacked, I can't be the boss? That's a harmful stereotype, and I won't stand for it!

  From the corner of my eye, I spotted more familiar faces. Keigo and Mizuiro. Keigo looked like he was about to piss himself, while his friend looked mostly bored. I wondered why they were so nervous around us when I remembered they weren't exactly friends with Ichigo and Chad before school.

  How did they become friends again? Eh, probably not important.

  But before I could worry about that, we first needed to find out what class we're in. Thankfully, the staff made finding out pretty convenient. They set up a large board right outside the school building.

  Isn't that nice of them?

  Our fellow students parted like the red sea as we approached. It almost made me feel like I was in a gang or something. Oh wait, they think we are in a gang. Well I'm sure once they take notice of my sunny disposition and award winning personality, they'll think differently.

  Or double down, I don't really care.

  "Looks like I'm in… class 1-C. Hey, we all are," I said. I could swear I heard Keigo let loose a wail of despair at that. Dude really needs to calm the hell down, else I might actually be tempted to take his lunch money.

  "Awesome. Looks like this year might be better than I thought," Tatsuki said, saddling up to me. I grinned, wrapping my arm around her.

  "You mean because we'll be in the same class?"

  "Psh, you wish!" she retorted, elbowing me in the stomach, making me let go of her. But don't think for a second I don't see that little smile you're trying to hide.

  "Oh my gosh Tatsuki, isn't this great! I knew doing that ritual was the right move," Orihime said, smiling brightly. Ok, red flag alert! Red flag! This is not a drill people! I repeat, this is not a drill!

  "Um, Orihime? What ritual are you talking about?" Tatsuki asked nervously. Given Orihime's personality, it could be anything. Probably what had Tatsuki so freaked out.

  "Oh, it was this one on the back of this occult magazine I found. It said, If you wish to have the best High School life, you must do the macarena during a new moon while chanting your desire. Looks like it worked," Orihime said. Not sure what kind of magazine that was but at least she didn't sacrifice a goat or something.

  False flag, everybody. Return to your stations.

  Seeing Tatsuki's relieved look she must have been thinking the same thing. Well, maybe not the exact same thing. Doubt her head had soldiers in it ready to go to war. Ironically, given the universe I'm in, that doesn't immediately make me insane.

  "I see. Thanks for that Orihime," she said, patting the happy girl on the head.

  "No problem Tatsuki!"

  "Hey, can we go now?" Ichigo asked.

  "Hm, yeah we probably should. Don't want to be late on our first day," Tatsuki agreed. I shrugged and started to follow. But as I was entering the building, I caught something from the corner of my eye. It was a rough looking guy, by which I mean constipated looking. Bro's face was scrunched up so bad he probably hasn't shit in weeks.

  I do not envy him when the time comes. It's going to be messy.

  He was talking over the phone while glaring at us. Don't know why he would be mad at me, I haven't done anything to the guy. I think… No, I'm pretty sure I'd remember a guy with resting bitch face that bad. It was even worse than Ichigo's, and that's saying something.

  "Hey, everything alright?" Ichigo asked, having noticed my standing in the doorway. I turned to look at him as he spoke, but when I turned back around, the guy was gone. Shrugging, I fully entered the building.

  "Yeah, sorry. It was probably nothing," I said, walking next to him. We caught up to the others, making our way to the classroom. For some reason, the Japanese school system liked to punish its youth, placing the first years classes on the third floor. You'd think with a class number of 1-C it would be on the first floor, but nope!

  Bunch of assholes…

  Guess the view will be better, at least for those who get a window seat, but for everyone else, there's no real benefit beyond cardio. You're just shit out of luck.

  Regardless of my internal dialogue, the five of us made it up the third floor, heading for our classroom. Opening the door, I took note of the people already gathered inside. I only recognized a few, such as Tatsuki and Orihime's future friends, though I admit to having no idea what their names were, only that one of them appeared to be a loli and the other could give Orihime a run for her money for who has the biggest jugs.

  However, there was one person whose name I do know. Uryu Ishida, the "last" Quincy. Seeing that four eyed asshole reminded me that Aizen wasn't the only prick I had to deal with. There was also Yuwah, or whatever his name was. Honestly, I wasn't the biggest fan of the last arc, so I don't remember much about the characters.

  Anyway, he was here, sitting as prim and proper as he could, making a plank of wood look like it took yoga classes. Seriously, he looked more like a display mannequin than a high schooler. Was he sitting on a stick? How else could he keep up that posture?

  My back hurts just thinking about it.

  As we made our way further into the room, Tatsuki suddenly stopped. She started looking around, a suspicious look in her eyes, her entire form screaming anxiety.

  "Hey Tatsuki, you ok?" I asked. She didn't look at me, continuing to glance around the room, but she did answer me.

  "I feel a… disturbance in the force."

  Did my… did my heart just skip a beat? Did a beautiful woman just quote Star Wars to me? I didn't even think they had that here, considering Yoruichi didn't seem to know who Obi-Wan Kenobi was. Maybe she just wasn't a movie buff?

  However, before I could open my mouth to profess my love for her, or something as equally mortifying, I caught sight of something from the corner of my eye.

  Doing that a lot today it seems. But at least this one wasn't nearly as ugly. Probably just as psychotic though.

  It was a girl, one with wine red colored hair and glasses. I also just so happened to recognize this one as well, Chizuru. At least, I think that's her name. While I may not have been sure about that, what I am sure about is that she's the raging lesbian of the series, currently sneaking up on Orihime to get a handful of her jiggling jugglies.

  And it was up to me to put a stop to it. Just because Chizuru is a girl, did not mean she got a free pass to sexually harass her fellow female students.

  Watching as the girl inched closer, stalking her prey like a lioness hunting for gazelle, I waited until the last moment to intervene. Right as she leapt forward, hands making eager squeezing motions, I interposed myself between the two.

  "Bonjour mademoiselle! My name is Chizuru, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. And might I say, what a lovely muscular chest you have! It's so firm and hard and-wait a minute…" introduced the psycho.

  When she jumped forward, intending to put the squeeze on Orihime, she shut her eyes. Why, I don't know. Maybe to focus on the feeling of Orihime's chest? Regardless, it seemed to backfire on her.

  Her arms were wrapped around me, her face rubbing into my chest like a cat begging for attention. But when she realized that something wasn't quite right with what she was feeling, her eyes opened to meet my own.

  "What's wrong? Were these not the boobs you were looking for?" I asked, sarcastically. Her gaze shifted to my chest, a growing horror etching itself onto her face.

  "Ah, what the hell!? Why did you get in my way!?" she shouted, leaping back, her eyes filled with fury as she glared at me. I met her angry stare with a bored one of my own.

  "Because you were rushing at her with the look of a dirty old man, that's why," I said, crossing my arms over my chest, which was just violated.

  Gain 2 Affection to Tatsuki Arisawa (39/100)

  Lose 3 Affection with Chizuru Honcho (-3/100)

  Yeah, didn't really think I'd be a big hit with her, given I'm not exactly her type, but at least Tatsuki appreciates me defending her friend's honor. So it's not exactly a loss.

  "I was just trying to introduce myself, you big brute! Don't get in between me and that lovely flower!" she shouted. By now, the whole class had turned to see what the commotion was. Looks like high school drama was starting early.

  "You can introduce yourself without groping people you know. Here let me show you. My name is Ushio Tenma, nice to meet you Ms. Pervert," I say, making her face go red with anger.

  Lose 2 Affection with Chizuru Honcho (-5/100)

  "I don't give a damn who you are! I only care about finding out who she is!" she shouted.

  "Um, hello. My name's Orihime. It's nice to meet you," said the orange haired girl. I couldn't help but turn and stare at the girl in disbelief. Did she really just introduce herself to the woman about to assault her like nothing happened? Just how innocent can one person be?

  And it seems like Tatsuki shared my opinion, facepalming with a groan. "Geez, Orihime. Don't just introduce yourself to weirdos."

  I wanted to tell her to take her own advice, considering she introduced herself to me, but held my tongue.

  "Huh? But it would be rude not to give somebody my name, wouldn't it?" Orihime asked, tilting her head in confusion. The airhead is strong with this one.

  "Oh, Orihime… What a beautiful name befitting a goddess," Chizuru muttered, caressing Orihime's face. How the hell did she get over there? I didn't even see her go by me. Maybe she was the real Flash Goddess, not Yoruichi.

  Unfortunately for Chizuru, her Orihime cuddle time would be cut short via one Tatsuki Arisawa. She gave the boundary challenged girl one of her patented lesbian repelling karate chops right to the head.

  Ok, that was a lie, it's only patent pending, but it still sent the other girl straight to the ground.

  "Get your damn hands off her you freak!" Tatsuki shouted. Chizuru moaned on the floor for a second before slowly getting back to her feet.

  "Nice try, but you can't stop our burning passion so easily," she groaned out, making her way to her feet. Gotta respect the grit, if nothing else.

  "You're the only one who's burning up here. Maybe I should get the hose to cool you off?" Tatsuki suggested.

  "What was that, you flat chested bitch!?"

  "You heard me skank!"

  The two girls were now right in each other's faces, looking ready to tear the other apart. It was kind of hot, not gonna lie. Part of me was hoping they'd start tearing off each other's clothes. Not that I'd ever say that out loud, of course.

  Just when it seemed like it was about to come to blows, Ichigo decided it would be a good idea to open up his mouth. I don't know why, but he did.

  "Geez, you're so damn noisy. Keep it down, would ya?"

  "Stay out of this!" the two girls yelled in unison. For a second, I was sure Ichigo was about to get mauled, but they were literally saved by the bell. The sound distracted them just long enough for the teacher to make an appearance.

  "Alright class, sit down and shut the hell up while I take roll call," she said, getting sweat drops from the majority of class. Our homeroom teacher was a fairly young looking woman with long, brown hair tied in a ponytail and rounded glasses. She was wearing a maroon colored blouse and some very tight white pants.

  Nice.

  It was also about this time that Keigo and Mizuiro finally made their way inside the classroom. Mizuiro walked in without a care in the world while Keigo did his best impression of a terrified rabbit. Did he think he was going to get jumped inside of class or something? Bro needs to take a few chill pills.

  Or maybe some Prozac.

  But with the teacher now here, the cat fight was put on hold. All of us took our seats, and I made sure to get one near the window.

  Don't need luck when you're built like a brick shit house. Nobody fought me over it.

  Tatsuki was to my right with Ichigo taking the desk in front of me. Orihime took one in front of Tatsuki and Chad was to her right, frustrating Chizuru. Before too long, we were all seated, and the teacher took roll call.

  However, when she got to me she had to stop and pause. "Mr. Tenma, please remove your beanie. It's against school rules."

  "No," I said. I saw Tatsuki making a face to my right, looking like she was trying to hold it in. Damn her.

  "Excuse me? Did you just tell me no?" the teacher responded. I think I stunned her, because she didn't seem to know how to handle it. I sighed before standing up, confusing the rest of the class.

  "Can I talk to you for a moment outside, Sensei. It won't take long," I asked. She gave a stern, but intrigued look.

  "Fine, but this better be good," she agreed, as the two of us made our way into the hall. The students inside watched with bated breath as we left. Which turned into shock and confusion, I'm sure, when the teacher started to laugh out loud.

  Once we returned, I casually strolled back to my seat, not saying a word and not looking at Tatsuki. I have a pretty good idea about what her face looked like anyway.

  "Very well, Mr. Tenma, I'll allow the beanie, but only for today, got it?" the teacher asked.

  "Got it, teach," I responded.

  "Good. Alright students, my name is Misato Ocha, but you will call me Sensei, is that understood?" she asked, getting a rather lukewarm response. Probably still confused about what just happened. But it seems our new teacher didn't appreciate such a half assed response.

  "I can't hear you! I said, do you understand me!"

  "Yes Sensei!"

  "Better. Now listen up, we have a morning assembly and I expect you all to be on your best behavior. Got it?"

  "Yes Sensei!"

  "Good, now let's go."

  And thus began my first day of school. At least it was proving to be anything but boring.