Eventually I learned that the Elves on the Shelf was an elected council of accountants, buyers, supervisors, guards, lawyers, and architects who oversaw operations here on 995658 Flummox. Eight members were on the council, along with a president to preside over the group. But when I first met them, I just saw a bunch of people dressed as elves, living in a make-believe world brought to life, who were angry that we showed up just before bedtime.

  @auroraloon and I entered to find that the council was gathering, with the people in elf outfits bustling about and taking their seats, arranged on a second-floor balcony that overlooked a manufacturing facility. We entered half a flight of stairs up from the ground floor, with steps leading down to the manufacturing area or up a greater distance to the balcony.

  @missiletoe led us down the stairs to stand in an open area below the balcony for our audience with the council. One of the elves at the front of the balcony, wearing a little wreath around his neck, turned his back to us to speak with the host of elves.

  "I, @rudolph, President of the Elves on the Shelf, welcome our prestigious members of the council here on this emergency meeting," he began, "and call this discussion to order."

  @rudolph had taken an older appearance than most aiways would, with graying dark hair and visible wrinkles. I knew more of what to expect now, so when I saw that he had surgically modified his ears to look like an elf's ears, I managed not to roll my eyes, groan, laugh uncontrollably, or insult him by making the Vulcan salute. I was prepared to perform the Yew sign. I just had to resist the urge to do otherwise.

  If his nose started to glow, however, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from causing some mischief.

  "@missiletoe, tree guard of the 22nd hour," @rudolph continued, "has brought us these guests, who wish to trade personnel with us, over a disputed shipment. More importantly, one of these guests appears to bear the North Pole, the sword of our true leader, Santa Claus."

  My sword? The North Pole? If the sword presently sheathed on my back belonged to Santa Claus, then I had to imagine these elves would not be too pleased with me.

  A commotion of gasps, mutters, and curses arose from the group. One elf leapt from his seat and shouted, "Impossible!" Another joined him, yelling, "Where is Santa Claus?" Others followed suit, and we nearly had a mob of elves demanding to know the location of Santa Claus.

  I had a pretty good idea myself.

  Santa Claus probably had a falling out with Black Balloon Girl and the Gravemind Syndicate. I wondered if he was imprisoned in the center pit below our Hot Potato match, under the metal grate, covered in the blood of losers. Wherever he ended up, the elves on the Island of Misfit Toys had not seen fit to reanimate him.

  "Silence! Silence!" @rudolph shouted, waiving his hands in the air. Finally, he removed the wreath from around his neck and raised it high in the air.

  The commotion settled, but I could feel the tension in the air. I looked over @auroraloon to find her focused, eyes fixed, jaw set, ready for action. I must have looked like a nervous wreck by comparison.

  "@missiletoe, you are dismissed," @rudolph announced. "Thank you for your service. You've been a good little helper."

  @missiletoe, proud of himself and probably excited to be one of the only guards to ever receive an unscheduled visitor to 995658 Flummox, smiled and bowed before hurrying out of the room.

  "What are your names?" @rudolph commanded, addressing us.

  The plan was to use a fake name. I would be @wrench again, which would make sense because I would be a business person angling to be a paper supplier to the elves. If my friend in the shipbuilding business needed to come here, why not tag along to try to make a sale? Not likely, but plausible.

  "I am @kittyboy, Vanquisher of the Alliance Starmada," I pronounced, fucking our plan to smithereens. "Wielder of the North Pole." I drew the sword from its sheath and held it high, its rosy glow illuminating a circle of light around us.

  I felt like I needed to be dramatic. The situation seemed to call for it. Besides, when would I ever get a chance to draw Santa's magical sword, in a Christmas village, hidden away on an unknown asteroid, before the Elves on the Shelf!

  "What was I supposed to do?" I whispered to a furious @auroraloon. "Tell them, Hey, I'm @wrench. Wanna buy some paper?"

  Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

  "They need paper to wrap presents!" she shouted as quietly as she could.

  Well, shit. That was an excellent point. When we made the plan, it seemed plausible but skeptical to me, but we didn't know we'd find Christmas elves. It would have been perfect for @wrench to show up to sell them wrapping paper. Oops.

  The uproar from above more than hid our voices from the elves. They rushed to the edge of the balcony, peering down at me, still holding the sword aloft, a spectacle for all to see.

  "It's true!" the skeptical elf shouted.

  "Impossible!" screamed another.

  "We have a new Santa!" yelled a third.

  Again, @rudolph had to hold his wreath up high in the air, waving it about, doing a bit of shouting of his own, to settle down the others on the council.

  "We will take a vote," @rudolph announced. "But before we do this, a reminder to you all. The Naughty List states that should Santa Claus die or the sword be taken from them, a new Santa shall arise in their place. You must decide. Is this our new Santa? This outsider? This @kittyboy?"

  "He knows nothing of our ways!" someone interjected.

  @rudolph raised his wreath again to silence them. "He does not know our ways. This is true. But we must vote. The Naughty List requires it."

  While they voted, I took a moment to ready myself for battle. I asked @auroraloon to help me out of my spacesuit so that I could have my ARM at the ready. A pool of water formed at our feet from the snow that clung to our suits. I stepped out of the boots of my suit, cursing wet socks, and removed them to stand barefoot in the tight jumpsuit I wore beneath the spacesuit. We pushed it off to the side.

  As we did, I noticed someone standing back in the manufacturing facility. They quickly disappeared behind a large yellow machine. This was probably what they did with the people trafficked in. This was a labor camp. Even though we were in "the 22nd hour," people were here working. I hoped @bitchfrog was one of them.

  "Maybe let's not stand in the pool of water, shall we?" @auroraloon said, bringing my attention away from the machines and back to the elven council. "You don't want to get electrocuted again, do you?"

  I certainly did not, especially with a metal leg to amplify the electricity.

  An uproar started on the balcony again. @rudolph came toppling over the side and landed with a thud near where we had been standing. The two slides clashed suddenly in a way I had not anticipated.

  "You won the vote," @rudolph groaned.

  Apparently, voting doesn't always work. Two more elves came over the side. @auroraloon rushed over to them and picked up their candy cane weapons from the floor, holding one in each hand. I just watched at first. I had no idea which elves were on my side and which ones weren't.

  So I decided to start a proper revolution.

  "Freedom to the prisoners! Remove their reins and let them fly!" I yelled. I couldn't think of anything else. If they didn't have prisoners, then oops, my bad, but Valentine didn't come here for hot chocolate and a warm fire.

  I would have lost the vote after I screamed that. The elves stopped fighting themselves and turned on us.

  I activated the communications in my ARM, sending a short-range burst to reach The Pharaoh.

  kittyboy: "Stand ready to flee. The fighting has begun."

  I didn't wait for acknowledgment. Instead, I threw up in my mouth after @auroraloon used the two candy cane weapons to slice off the heads of the two elves who had dropped from the balcony. I personally didn't see those elves as an immediate threat, but I suppose she a) had the time to do it and b) was able to figure out what the candy canes actually did.

  @rudolph shrieked, raising his hands over his head. "Santa, no!" he yelped.

  I motioned for @auroraloon to ignore @rudolph, to spare him, and surprisingly she did. Six other council members were still up on the balcony, but I could hear them rushing down the stairs toward us.

  Only four came trotting down, however, and one of those ran off to hide in the depths of the manufacturing plant, yelling, "All hail, Santa!" as he went. So, at least I had two followers among the elves.

  "You got this?" I asked @auroraloon. She was more than ready, crouched to move with speed and fury, with the candy canes lighting her face, reflecting ominously off her violet eyes.

  "Go!" she yelled.

  I fired my grappling hook and flew up to the second-floor balcony. The screams below filled my heart with joy and good tidings.

  I landed on my tiptoes, pulling in the grappling hook and raising the sword in front of me. The man and woman elves in front of me were unarmed, and they didn't expect me to come zooming over the edge to say Merry Christmas. They were chatting on their comms, calling in reinforcements.

  I hesitated for a moment. Unarmed people make me feel bad about myself. But they could always reanimate, right?

  I shot the grappling hook at the woman to smash her communication device and rushed forward to stab the man in the stomach. He didn't put up any resistance and surprised me by dying quietly. The woman had screamed when the grappling hook came flying at her, but then she stood stiffly in place and waited for me to approach.

  "Did you vote for or against me?" I asked.

  "Against," she admitted, a touch of fear and pride in her voice.

  I snapped her head off like a gingerbread cookie, letting her crumble to the floor. Then I flew down the stairs to join @auroraloon.

  Halfway down, from the landing above her, I could see that a ring had formed around her. Anyone who got too close lost a limb, and she held her ground, spinning and composed, as if she had trained to fight with candy canes her whole life. But more elf guards were entering. I had no doubt that soon they would decide to rush her. There would be nothing she could do then. She would be overwhelmed.

  Meanwhile, another crowd was forming. Faces started to appear through the machinery. People were abandoning their workstations. A mass of workers built up, watching anxiously from a safe distance.

  They were humans.