995658 Flummox was exactly what I thought it would be. Dark rock. Reflected very little sunlight. Empty. This would be a dismal place for a settlement. That's why we didn't expect a settlement.

  But there was a structure.

  We came out of bubble-warp, scanning the tiny asteroid. We located the structure easily. They had jammers and standard tech to try to stay hidden, but when you have a surface area of 8.13 square kilometers, it's hard to hide. They mostly just relied on the fact that this was a boring, tiny asteroid, among millions of boring, tiny asteroids. Who would bother showing up unless they were there on purpose? We could use that to our advantage.

  I reluctantly turned over controls to @astrowave so that @auroraloon and I could gear up and get ready to disembark. We waited with Rufus and Doofus by the landing bay, and I tied into the camera feed to observe Flummox as we approached.

  The structure, like I said, was impossible to miss. We first saw a bright light shining, out of place on such a dark asteroid. As we approached, more lights started to appear in our vision.

  The structure, it turned out, had a gigantic tower shaped like, well, a Christmas tree with an enormous star on top. In the shadow of the tree was a series of cottages, a few dozen arranged in neat rows, with a main cottage at the base of the tree, connected to a gigantic square building that looked like a Viking longhouse. The longhouse took up nearly as much space as the cottages. All of the facilities were decorated with Christmas lights, the annoying kind that flash on and off.

  "It's not Christmastime, is it?" I asked. When you're busy being a Vanquisher, the Earth calendar sort of fades from importance.

  "No," replied @zerogstar. "It's April 2nd on Earth."

  "What?!" I yelped. "We missed April Fool's Day?"

  "What were you planning?" @auroraloon asked cautiously.

  I thought about that. I didn't have anything planned, but I certainly would have done something. Maybe replace all the pillows with fart pillows, so they make a farting noise when you rest your head. Or maybe something to do with all of us dying, like that I lost control of the ship and we were going to crash. Maybe a fake warrant indicating we were marked for deletion for abandoning our mission.

  No, that would be cruel.

  "I dunno," I muttered. "But it would have been spectacular."

  "As spectacular as turning an asteroid into a Christmas village?" @zerogstar asked. "Because that's impressive. Bizarre. But impressive."

  "I guess when you're on a dreary asteroid," said @auroraloon, "every day is Christmas. I love Christmas."

  My stomach grumbled at me. "I hope they have cookies."

  "And eggnog," @auroraloon added. "The boozy kind."

  "Hot chocolate," interjected @astrowave. "Bring me some if they have any. And candy canes!"

  "What's a candy cane?" asked @biclops.

  "Focus, people!" @zerogstar blurted, clapping her hands loudly. "Don't forget. We're on a mission. @bitchfrog is here somewhere, hopefully resting by the fire, but probably in dire need of saving."

  Once again I was grateful that @zerogstar had joined up with us. She had the focus that sometimes escaped me.

  We set The Pharaoh down in a clearing across from the larger cottage and longhouse building. The clearing looked like a landing pad, but it was hard to tell. The inhabitants here had manufactured snow and coated the asteroid in it, with mounds piled up, and fake trees embedded in the rock. Most of the asteroid was still just dark rock, but once we landed, we found ourselves in a Christmas village that spread out as far as the eye could see.

  I raised my visor, sucking in recycled oxygen along with fresh supplements from O2 canisters in my spacesuit, an upgraded version of what I had worn on the starlab. @auroraloon wore the suit we had for @foxcutter. She looked odd to me without her snakeskin suit, less like a superhero and more like a coworker, but I wasn't about to tell her that.

  When we first met, @auroraloon always had her own agenda. She beat me up to take my gun and tried to leave me on the starlab. She followed along with me for safety on Flipper until it was more convenient for her to risk floating away to the pirate ship, Graviton. We definitely had chemistry, but it's hard to put personal relationships, especially new ones, ahead of the day-to-day of what we do. I needed to remind myself that she was an Infiltrator first, a Burner first, and I needed to remind myself that I was a Vanquisher.

  More importantly, she had no memory of our first meeting. I had a partial memory at least, so I trusted her based on that. She had nothing to go on except our encounter on Flipper. That was why I had the flamingos guard her. That was why I had duct-taped her on the bridge. I wanted to trust her, and I did, just with a healthy dose of reality. Mostly, I trusted that she didn't want to die. She was good at staying alive.

  I opened a plink just for @auroraloon and I.

  kittyboy: "We should go to 1941 Wild. This would be easier if you remembered me, and I want to know more about what happened to us."

  auroraloon: "How about we celebrate Christmas first. We can talk about it after the holidays."

  Snarky as always.

  kittyboy: "Yes, of course. But then you'll go with me?"

  We stepped out onto the snowy rock of Flummox. It seemed odd to raise weapons here in the Christmas village. I wasn't sure how to hook my ARM up to my sleek matte black spacesuit, but I had a glen11 at my right hip, the silver and rose sword strapped across my back, and my grex12 shotgun slung across my back next to the sword. They made a cool pairing that I thought made me look intimidating.

  auroraloon: "I have a work trip planned. Maybe you can go and tell me what you find there."

  kittyboy: "Can I tag along on your work trip?"

  auroraloon: "Can reindeer fly?"

  Okay, so that was a no.

  The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

  Then she pointed at the sky. Coming into view, circling down from the top of the Christmas tree tower and its massive star, was a flying reindeer, pulling a space sled.

  kittyboy: "There's very little gravity here, so I suppose anyone could fly."

  The sled approached, finally landing and rushing toward us along the field of snow, down the central clearing between the cottages. I ordered Rufus and Doofus to take a position to our sides, while @auroraloon and I waited patiently, as if everything was normal.

  kittyboy: "I'm going live for the crew to listen in."

  I ended the plink and established a channel for the entire crew, which I called Christmas Carol, although you don't want to hear me sing.

  I adjusted my stance as the sled came to a stop about 20 paces away. A person in a green spacesuit hopped off. As they approached, I noticed the wide mechanical triangles jutting out of the sides of their helmet, like an elf.

  @auroraloon had prepared the lie for us. She waved to the elf.

  auroraloon: "Howdy, partner."

  She didn't mention she was going to pretend to have an Old Earth Southern accent, and I nearly laughed loud enough to give us away, but she shot me an angry look, and I kept it mostly to myself.

  elf_person: "Merry Christmas! Don't mind me, but I have to check everyone who visits us here on the Island of Misfit Toys."

  The elf held up a candy cane shaped weapon. I wasn't sure if it was a gun, a shock stick, an emitter, or all of the above.

  My comm rang out from the crew.

  biclops: "So, that's a candy cane!"

  kittyboy: "Shhh! Listen only, please, unless it's urgent. And not really, no. Candy canes are peppermint candy."

  The two ends of the candy cane lit up and connected, like a laser pointing from one end of the candy cane to the other. The elf waved it in front of us, like he was scanning us. I wondered if it was a mistake to have weapons with us. Too late for that.

  elf_person: "Where are you from, and what's your business here?"

  auroraloon: "We're from Austin, Texasteroid. Just over yonder. Personal spaceship manufacturing business, Flux, fully electric. I'm sure you've heard of us. A passenger ship was supposed to drop off a few engineers, but they got the shipment wrong."

  elf_person: "Ah, new worlders. Got a shipment wrong?"

  Now it was time for a bigger leap. I readied myself to pull out the grex12.

  auroraloon: "That's right. The Lady of Gravemind said she wasn't responsible after pickup. To take it up with you directly."

  We didn't know what to call her, but most of what we could decipher was consistent with my experience from the Hot Potato match. The Lady was sure to get their attention.

  The elf studied us carefully, with a look of gravity and concern, but he didn't zap us.

  elf_person: "So, we've got your engineers, you say?"

  auroraloon: "Yessir."

  elf_person: "I'll need to bring you to the Elves on the Shelf."

  I did laugh at that. I'm not afraid to admit it. The elf gave me a furious look and held his candy cane zapper out at me.

  elf_person: "You can stay here."

  @auroraloon was disappointed in me. She landed a proper scowl that hurt my feelings, but she was ready for me to mess something up.

  auroraloon: "I apologize for him. He's an idiot. I can trade him to you for the engineers."

  That, unfortunately, did the trick. The elf looked me over, holding his candy cane up so that the light illuminated my face and suit.

  elf_person: "We'll see. He looks healthy. If your engineers are here, the Elves on the Shelf can decide. You can both come with me, but no weapons allowed."

  I didn't like that, but it was a reasonable request, and I reminded myself that I still had the ARM in a pinch, as long as I could free my left arm from the spacesuit. If we made it far enough for them to inspect me, that would surely blow our cover.

  We walked backwards to the end of the landing bay, holding our hands out so that the elf could see we were taking him seriously and wouldn't be a threat. @auroraloon was quick to discard her weapons, a pistol, rifle, and a slender knife I didn't realize she had with her. I dropped my glen11 and grex12 next to the pile she had formed on The Pharaoh's landing platform.

  Removing the sword was more difficult with my suit and helmet on. I had adjusted the harness, but it was too snug for me to remove it without help. I was a little embarrassed to ask @auroraloon for help, and I can be stubborn when I want to be, so instead of removing the harness and sheath, I decided I would just put the sword next to the pile of guns and @auroraloon's small knife. I pulled it from its sheath and noticed it was glowing, casting a rose colored light on the area.

  elf_person: "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

  I was just as surprised as they were. Er, rather, the elf was hopping up and down and very animated, so I suppose he was more surprised than I was.

  I wasn't sure how to respond. Like I said before, the best lie sometimes is a truthful lie, not really a lie at all.

  kittyboy: "I won it."

  elf_person: "YOU WON IT?"

  I held the sword out to my side to show I wasn't a threat. I nodded slowly at the elf. He was so nervous and excited that I was worried he would accidentally electrocute or slice me with his candy cane weapon thingy.

  elf_person: "BRING IT WITH YOU."

  He motioned for us to follow him. Instead of jumping back on his tiny flying sled, he scampered off in the snow toward the longhouse building next to the Christmas tree tower.

  elf_person: "I'm @missiletoe, by the way."

  He had settled down a little, his aggression and skepticism pivoting to nervous enthusiasm. I could see his mind was working, thoughts running rampant under his elvish helmet.

  Made no sense to me. It was just a sword that, for whatever reason, was glowing. Probably something to do with particles in the environment and whatever the sword was made of. But heck, I got to take a weapon with me, and I figured I would need it when I met the Elves on the Shelf.

  @auroraloon fell into step next to me, looking at me with odd curiosity. Then at the sword. Then back at me.

  She plinked me.

  auroraloon: "What in the world goes on in that head of yours?"

  kittyboy: "Not sure what you mean. It's broken, remember?"

  auroraloon: "Maybe just … random. I guess I never thought I'd see someone with two flamingos and a sword."

  That would be a good band name.

  kittyboy: "Says the woman with a snakeskin suit and a propensity for violence."

  auroraloon: "I'm not violent. I'm efficient."

  @missiletoe was quick. To keep up with him, @auroraloon and I had to pick up the pace, which I will say is not easy in snow up to your knees. He glanced back from time to time, waving us forward with his candy cane, a little bounce in his step, eager to get to the big longhouse. I could tell he was having a conversation with someone, or someones.

  kittyboy: "You don't have to try to impress me, you know."

  auroraloon: "I'm not."

  kittyboy: "Okay then. Did I impress you?"

  She thought about that longer than I had hoped.

  auroraloon: "No, actually, you didn't. You're like a lucky fool or something."

  A lucky fool? That was an improvement over broken.

  kittyboy: "You should have seen me take out the Shoemaker."

  auroraloon: "You took out the Shoemaker?"

  kittyboy: "That's right. Killed him proper. Bored his head out with his shoe-making machine."

  auroraloon: "Oh fuck. You're fucked. Everyone you know is fucked. Gravemind Syndicate is going to put a huge target on you."

  I didn't like the sound of that, but I didn't think I would take it back if I could do it over again. I had to save @zerogstar, even if she ended up saving herself, and me as well.

  kittyboy: "So, not impressed?"

  auroraloon: "Not impressive, just idiotic. You better hope your luck doesn't run out."

  I considered that. She didn't realize it wasn't luck.

  Sure, I believe in luck, but I believe I set the stage for luck, my brain consciously and unconsciously creating a fabric for the future, like a spider web. I just walk the web my mind creates, tugging the threads, trusting in that little bit of the future that I suspected only I could see.

  The decorations and flashing lights on the buildings created an eeriness to the place, casting red, white, and green light onto the snow as we plodded to the longhouse. Even so, I could see the appeal of this little winter wonderland. The setting was impressive against the backdrop of stars in the sky.

  Space from the deep, black depths was always a beautiful sight.

  missiletoe: "Welcome to Santa's Workshop."

  @missiletoe opened one of the double doors to the longhouse, and in we went to see the Elves on the Shelf.