The first two up the stairs had their candy cane weapons blazing. I wondered if those would cut through the sword. There was only one way to find out. I swept down at the first, watching the rosy glow of the sword arc through the air. The elf blocked my blade, but the force pushed him to my left, right into the other elf, giving me a brief advantage.
"Put this in your stocking!" I yelled, and I punched the elf in the face with my left hand, sending him falling down the stairs.
The elven guard let their mate fall, stepping around him, and kept coming at me.
I kept my sword flowing to keep them at bay. I needed to use the confines of the stairway to my advantage, and my sword could reach just wide enough that I could keep them in front of me, as long as I was diligent.
A more risky elf decided to drop low to the ground and jump at me. I shrieked and jumped backward, bringing my elbow down on him, but he managed to hit me in the leg with his candy cane. Lucky me, it was the metal leg. It sparked and cut the fabric of my jumpsuit. I registered a small slice through the metal, but I didn't feel it as pain, and it wouldn't slow me down.
While the one dove at me, another charged from the left. Had they timed it better, I might have lost my head. I was crouched on the floor, having just elbowed the first, and I was able to angle my sword to catch the candy cane coming down for my face.
Sparks flew past my eyes from the impact as our blades connected. I pushed up with my legs from where I was crouched, throwing the elf back, and yet another elf charged from the front.
I retreated back before he could try to cut me. This wasn't going well. In my peripheral vision, I saw @auroraloon, a spinning flurry, struggling to keep the swarm around her at bay.
I dodge another attempt at my head, stepping to my side, and kicked my leg out to trip the elf. Then I thrust forward, trying to hold my ground on the landing.
"Try wrapping this!" I shouted, and I swept the North Pole at them, catching one who had gotten pinned in by the others across the chest.
He squealed, and I saw the eyes bulge from the others nearby. The impressive sword helped me intimidate the group. They were hesitant. It was the North Pole after all, Santa's mighty sword. Surely that meant something.
I should have thought of that sooner, but now that I had the thought, I latched onto it.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" I screamed, letting my voice echo through the warehouse. I lifted the North Pole to the sky for all to see. "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
That got their attention.
"If you are loyal to Santa Claus and abide by the rules of the Naughty List, then follow me! Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Silence fell over the elves.
"Now Dasher!" one of them yelled, stepping away from the group.
"Now Dancer!" another echoed nearby, joining them away from the circle of elven soldiers.
"Now Prancer and Vixen!" @missiletoe screamed excitedly from near the entryway. I noticed he locked the doors behind him.
"On Comet!" a woman yelled.
"On Cupid" one of the humans screamed from the front of their assembly. I could feel the courage building in the room.
"On Dunder and Blixem!" came the call from a woman standing behind @auroraloon. Her blade had been ready to strike, but now she too stepped back away from the ring of assailants.
I knew what to do next. I boomed a command as loudly as I could. "Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away, all!"
The elves loyal to me scrambled, parting to form two groups. One rushed around @auroraloon, forming a unit between her and the attackers. The other dashed to my side along the stairs down to the ground floor.
I thought it was over then. We had won.
The attackers launched a futile attack against their former colleagues, but we had them outnumbered now. The ring of attackers surrounding @auroraloon was thin, and her protectors fought from inside the ring, while mine attacked from outside the ring. I stood, jaw agape, as our new Army of Misfits slaughtered them all, leaving a circle of dead bodies around @auraloon.
Soon she stood in a perfect wreath of dead green elves, lying in pools of red Christmas blood. Happy holidays, I thought to myself.
Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.
But it wasn't over yet.
The forest of humans parted, with voices from the back shouting to clear the way.
A large robotic mech lumbered down the center aisle, its steps thunderous, shaking the stairway beneath me. I didn't think this could get any weirder, but when the mech came clearly into view, I found myself staring at Frosty the Supervisor, a one-of-a-kind snowman-shaped mech, with a corncob pipe, a button nose, two eyes made out of coal, and a pissed off elf inside.
"You're halting production!" he bellowed.
"Produce this!" I yelled, and I flicked him off.
I walked slowly down the rest of the stairs, surrounded by the Army of Misfits, the North Pole raised before me.
"You dare to challenge Santa!" I shouted.
Frosty the Supervisor growled, and my army retreated away from him, some running up the stairs while others joined the humans. I looked for @auroraloon, but she was nowhere to be seen.
"All I want for Christmas is you!" he answered, summoning me to battle.
The space near us had cleared out now. It was just Frosty the Supervisor and I, battling on the wreath of the dead. Maybe @auroraloon was right. Maybe I was a random idiot. Maybe my luck was going to run out.
But I'll be damned if it runs out just to be killed by a fucking snowman.
Frosty the Supervisor launched his first attack by lifting his hat, sending a barrage of ice balls at me. I ducked and brought up the shield in my ARM, its fiery blue light complementing the rose from the North Pole, casting shades of violet around the room that @auroraloon would have appreciated if she was there to see it.
The ice chunks sizzled out in my shield, leaving me surrounded by a mist that only added to my aura of command. The Army of Misfits oohed and aahed. I stepped forward through the mist, ready for the next challenge.
Frosty came at me again. Instead of a stomp, he rolled toward me. His big bottom ball of snow pulled the rest of him along. He was trying to squish me like a steamroller. I fired my grappling hook at his face, latching onto the button nose, intending to run him through the head with my sword.
I held my sword out as the hook pulled me through the air. The angry elf sat there in the snowbot's head, behind a translucent protective screen, directing the robot's movements. A second more and the elf would have been wondering how the North Pole ended up in his abdomen.
But then he grabbed me by the legs with a stick arm that I hadn't seen. The elf pulled me away before I could get close enough to cut him, but my sword punctured the clear barrier that protected him. As he yanked me away from him, I retracted my grappling hook, still affixed to his button nose. The force dislodged his button nose, ripping apart his protective barrier.
Frosty the Supervisor yelled something about damaging expensive equipment. I wasn't paying attention. While he held my legs in one arm, he grabbed at my sword with the other, trying to pry it away. When he couldn't get my sword, he altered his grip and grabbed onto my torso.
And then he pulled in opposite directions.
Frosty the Supervisor was trying to rip my body apart.
I still wonder if I let him wrap his arm around my torso on purpose because, by doing so, it meant my arms were completely free. Sure, he was trying to separate me at the hips while I hung in the air, but sometimes that's when I'm at my finest.
I fired the grappling hook at the elf's face, running an electric current through it.
He screamed, the electricity shocking his body and spreading to the robot itself. My grappling hook created a zapping effect that ran through the elf, through the robot, and onto the wet floor beneath us, rendering the robot useless.
I fell from Frosty's grip as the electricity shook the mech.
I used the grappling hook as a rope, to swing myself gracefully to the ground, and I shut down the electrical current. The electricity dissipated just as my feet hit the floor, sparing me from another round of electrocution. I caught only the faintest fizzle to make the hairs on my body stick out and an odd vibration through my metal leg.
I stared up at the snowman mech, with its shattered face, as cheers rang out around me.
I admit that I considered myself fortunate not to have been ripped apart by a snowman. Trust me, I've stared at parts of my body floating away through space enough times to know that being ripped apart sucks no matter how it happens. Instead, I had won the battle. I could savor a hero's moment.
I gave a final tug to the grappling hook, retracting it, tearing the elf out of the snowman's head to land on the floor beside me in a moaning pile.
It wasn't over for Frosty the Supervisor.
Amidst the cheering of my victory, another shout rose. "Coal! Coal! Coal!"
The shouting continued, and the crowd around me began to hurl lumps of coal at Frosty the Supervisor.
"Coal! Coal! Coal!" the shouting droned on.
They pummeled him. They stoned him to death, leaving dark smears and smudges on their hands. I almost felt bad for him. I've died many times, but I've never been stoned to death by people who used to see me as an ally.
I gathered myself and backed away from the pile of coal and the heaping form of the snowbot. Frosty the Supervisor, I said to myself, shaking my head in disbelief. What a strange day.
The Army of Misfits' hatred and thirst for punishment rose and fell like Santa sliding down a chimney. When the final lump of coal landed, the cheering resumed, and songs rang out.
They gathered boughs of holly and strands of Christmas lights, flinging them around the snowbot. More and more elves came forward, singing merrily. "Thumpety, thump thump. Thumpety, thump thump. Look at Frosty go!"
I stood watching in fascination as they hauled the snowbot mech away.
"To Santa!" @rudolph shouted. He stood among the group, with two elves at his side, holding him on his feet. "Santa Claus has come to town!"
I nodded gratefully to him. Then I raised the sword high, launching into a verse of We Wish You a Merry Christmas, as I scanned the crowd.
I was looking for @bitchfrog among the faces.
She had to be here somewhere, but there were hundreds of humans in Santa's Workshop, hundreds of people who wanted to see what was happening, pushing their way to the front.
"Form a line," I yelled, "and you can tell me what you want for Christmas!"
I started a log, greeting people as they stepped forward, wondering how @horus would react to the bill I would put on my expense report to cover all the gifts and renovations to the Island of Misfit Toys.
Person by person, they came forward. I smiled and made light conversation, eying the crowd the whole time, searching hopefully for a familiar face.
Then I saw her. She looked tired. Her hair was an unexpected mess, but the bright smile across her face was unmistakable.
@bitchfrog was safe.