After selling Victor the axe and throwing in a selection of herbal reagents for Alessia, Gaius went back to biding his time until the store closed. He now had two potential income sources, but both of them still required additional cultivation.

  The dwarves of the Trogsmasher clan were first on his list.

  Gaius wanted to inform the imp he was going out, only to discover that the little demon was nowhere to be seen. Gaius groaned and planted himself at the counter. He knew what this meant.

  As if on cue, the front door opened, and in came a Caladonian priest. A high-ranking one at that, judging by his embroidered robes and tall hat.

  "Blessings of Nova to you, and may Mallia's embrace not find you on this day," the priest said instead of a greeting.

  Following that, Gaius' usual stock introduction just didn't feel adequate.

  "Right," he said after mumbling something vaguely Mallia-related. "What can I do for you?"

  "Oh, nothing, nothing," the priest said. "I'm just here to say hello to our newest beacon of commerce. They call me Martinez. I'm the bishop of this fine town."

  Getting a house call from the town's religious leader wasn't something Gaius expected. Not entirely certain how to handle himself around one of those, he ran around the counter and shook the bishop's wrinkly hand. Going by his raised eyebrow, the bishop was expecting a kiss on the knuckles, but the deed was already done.

  Wiping his hand with a piece of white cloth, the bishop said, "I was hoping to meet you at the magistrate's dinner, but the goddesses didn't will it. So now, I'm here."

  "Pleasure to meet you, your grace," Gaius said. At least he knew how to properly address a Caladonian bishop.

  "The pleasure is all mine, Gaius."

  Gaius was pretty sure he didn't mention his name. The bishop came prepared. Which meant this wasn't a social call. He needed something. Gaius kept his mouth shut, waiting for the bishop to make the first move.

  After a period of painful and very much uncomfortable silence, bishop Martinez cleared his throat.

  "Marco, the previous owner, was a friend of mine," he said.

  Gaius already heard something like that recently. It was coming from Alejo. Still, he somehow couldn't see this shriveled old man who probably weighed less than the extravagant clothes he was wearing associating in any way with a street thug.

  "Well, that's business for you," Gaius said. The sentence meant nothing. He merely wanted to say something to spur the bishop closer to his point.

  "Yes, quite," the bishop agreed. "But now, I'm wondering if you would be my friend as well."

  "I wouldn't dream it any other way, your grace."

  "Oh, that's lovely to hear, Gaius." The bishop looked around to see if anyone was listening in. Only then, he got on his toes and whispered directly into Gaius' ear, "What do you know about mushrooms of sight?"

  This was the first time Gaius heard about those, but he had a general idea of what kind of mushroom required an empty room and a whisper.

  "Enough," Gaius said.

  "Good." The bishop perked up. "Marco and I, we had an arrangement. I was wondering if the two of us could keep it going."

  Yesterday, Gaius would have jumped on an opportunity to supply a high-ranking cleric with drugs. He needed the money, and the blackmail potential was just too juicy.

  However, by that point, he more or less sorted out his financial issues. Getting into the drug trade when an overzealous knight was snooping around just wasn't worth it anymore.

  "I would love to," Gaius said, moving away from the bishop. "But I'm afraid we don't carry those particular mushrooms here."

  The bishop touched his nose and nodded.

  "Of course. I wouldn't suggest anything of the sort."

  "No, you misunderstand, your grace. I really would love to help you, but I'm just a counter jockey. And the boss back in Slavia doesn't approve of us selling those sorts of goods. He thinks it's bad for the reputation. I'm terribly sorry, but I can't help you. You'll have to look for your drugs elsewhere."

  "Drugs?" the bishop's face darkened. "Lowlives and foreigners do drugs, Gaius. The mushrooms are a gift from Nova. In the right hands, they reveal the most intimate secrets of the spheres. Drugs! I need them to peer into the future, son, not drool in a ditch like some idiot."

  "Of course, your grace. But I don't make the rules."

  Gaius' words seemingly sobered the bishop. He wiped the corner of his mouth and readjusted his posture.

  "Well, it was worth a shot," he said. "I'm assuming I don't have to tell you this conversation never happened?"

  "Discretion is another one of our rules," Gaius said. In reality, he wasn't even sure if old Vasily had any rules at all. If he did, he sure didn't mention anything about them to Gaius.

  "Good, good. And do pardon my earlier outburst. It's just that without my visions, and with that knight of the Moon staying at the temple, I'm a bit on edge."

  Gaius nodded. "Completely understandable."

  "Well, at least she won't be staying here long," the bishop said.

  Now that was something Gaius didn't even know he needed to hear.

  "How so?" he asked.

  The bishop hesitated, but in the end, his love for gossip overpowered his better judgment. "I can't share any particulars," he said, "but she's here looking for someone. And I have it on good authority that the royal diviners are already weaving a spell to conjure up the exact image of that person, whoever that may be."

  This wasn't good. It took all of Gaius' skills and experience to not appear rattled.

  "Diviners, you say? And how accurate are they? You see, I'm from Mystlund myself, and we take pride in our magics. So naturally I'm curious about the intricacies of foreign spellcasting."

  "Oh, it's highly accurate," the bishop was quick to oblige. "By the next full moon, they'll create an exact image of the man in question. And then it's just a matter of time before that Isabella woman combs through the town and gets out of what's left of my hair."

  This wasn't good, but at least Gaius had a timeframe. He had until the next full moon to figure out a way to neutralize the efforts of Caladonia's finest diviners.

  With nothing else left to do, Gaius smiled. He wrapped his arm around the bishop's shoulder, startling the old man in the process.

  "You know, since it's you, your grace. I realize what unfortunate situation you find yourself in. I'm willing to make an exception. My boss doesn't need to know about a small favor between us friends, right? What was it you said you needed, mushrooms of sight? Consider them yours."

  "Really?" The bishop wiggled from out of Gaius' grasp.

  "Oh yes. I have people who can procure things for me. Once I have them, I'll deliver them personally."

  "Oh no, I couldn't receive such deliveries," the bishop protested.

  "But you could entertain the visit of your merchant friend bringing you some heating potions. Your old bones don't warm themselves as well as they used to, after all, right?"

  "Right, I see," the bishop said. "Once you have those potions ready, you know where to find me."

  "It's the biggest house in town. Can't miss it," Gaius said with a nod and a smile.

  The bishop appreciated the joke and after exchanging a few parting pleasantries, left the shop.

  Before going to the dwarves, Gaius now had another stop to make.

  He knew where Victor and Alessia were staying. The inn wasn't too difficult to find, especially after he started hearing the unmistakable rumblings of raised voices locked in a heated argument.

  One of them belonged to a Caladonian, as evidenced by a blurry trill of words losing any and all meaning on account of being said too fast.

  The other was Victor's booming voice that was the rock upon which the Caladonian waves crashed time and again.

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  Victor and the Caladonian man who had the look of a bartender to him were standing by the inn's entrance.

  "What's happening here?" Gaius asked Alessia who observed the confrontation from the sidelines where a small crowd was gathered.

  Somehow, Victor managed to hear that. He turned to Gaius.

  "Finally, someone who'll listen to reason," Victor said as all the Caladonians surrounding him were too busy pretending to be occupied with the sight of their shoes. "This weasel of an innkeeper is being unreasonable. And inappropriate."

  "Ah, what do you know about inappropriate, you oversized forest man. Go climb a tree or wrestle a bear before you accuse Hilario of any impropriety." With the crowd firmly on his side, the innkeeper was pushing his luck. But apparently Gaius was the only one to notice Victor's clenched fists.

  The last thing Gaius needed was for his pocket adventurer to get arrested. He exchanged a few quick glances with Alessia and put himself in-between Victor and Hilario.

  "Friends, let's not escalate this to the point where someone has to fetch captain Esven." Mentioning Esven took some wind out of Hilario's sails. He shut up for long enough to let Victor explain.

  "Sir Chanter, Gaius, you know I have money. I can pay for a dirty room in this sty that dares to call itself an inn." Gaius nodded, careful not to seem too enthusiastic and set off Hilario again. "But this innkeeper here says my money is no good. That someone like me will inevitably skip town without paying my bills."

  "That doesn't seem too bad, Victor," Gaius said. "Just find another inn."

  Victor shook his head. "You don't understand. Once he accused me of being a thieving northerner, this Hilario snake offered a different way of compensating him for his services. Something more tangible than money."

  Victor's subsequent look at Alessia made it quite clear what payment Hilario had in mind. That explained the confrontation, or at least Victor's side of it. For the life of him, Gaius couldn't understand where Hilario's indignation was coming from.

  Victor continued. "The mere suggestion of using my wife as currency reminded me of our earlier conversation. The innkeeper was calling me a northern barbarian, so I showed him one."

  Hilario looked gassed, but nowhere near resembling someone who'd spent any time locked in a room with a rampaging barbarian.

  "I knew that this toad wouldn't survive a frank conversation with my fists. I spared him and instead punched his wall."

  "Punched my wall?" Hilario reminded everyone of his presence. "Punched my wall? You trashed the entire second floor. My wall? There is no wall, a hole is what it is now. Not to mention all the furniture you've thrown around. And why? All because I offered you a great deal? Barbarians. They're all the same." His speech full of indignation finally clued Gaius into the situation.

  "And now he wants me to pay for the damages," Victor said. "And let me tell you, he values this dump of his way higher than it's actually worth."

  It all came down to money. It frequently does. Gaius had multiple angles of approach there. He could leverage his friendship with the guard captain to get Hilario to back off. He could threaten the man. Guys like him usually crapped their pants at the first sight of magic. He could also straight-up pay him off, once more depleting his own reserves.

  In the end, he decided to go for something juicier and more appropriate. He told Victor to wait and approached Hilario. With his arm around him, Gaius piloted the innkeeper a few steps away from the commotion.

  He ignored the uncomfortable "Who even are you?" question.

  Then he said, "You're being foolish, my friend. Your avarice blinds you to one crucial detail."

  Gaius' tone was sufficiently cryptic to make Hilario ask, "And what's that?"

  Gaius pointed the innkeeper towards the crowd and Alessia in particular. "You're focusing on the barbarian and his big axe while ignoring the real mound of shit heading your way. Look at his wife. Don't look at the cleavage. Don't look at the hips. Think. Look at the dress. Look at her hair. It's the hair of a witch. Do you think that anything a barbarian could do to a room compares in any way to the ire of a slighted witch?" Hilario gulped. Out of his sight, Gaius winked to Alessia, who furrowed her brow and started drilling the innkeeper with her gaze.

  "If you have any sense left in that horny head of yours, you will forgive this lovely couple's debt and pray to both Nova and Mallia that you never see them again."

  With that, Gaius stepped away from Hilario and started walking towards the crowd. A period of silence was followed by Hilario clearing his throat.

  "Northerners, barbarians, savages all," he started. "Still, they're all Nova's children, just as we are. We must show them our hospitality and understanding. A cruel man would call the guards on them. A cruel man would take all their money and throw them out on the street. I, Hilario of Siembra, am not a cruel man. I will let them go and forget all about their transgressions." He turned from the crowd to Victor. "Now go, and don't let me see you around my inn ever again," he hissed.

  Preempting Victor's response, Gaius grabbed his arm and dragged the man away from the crowd. Alessia joined him on the other side of Victor.

  "Thanks," she said.

  "Yes, thank you, Gaius," Victor said.

  "Just call me Guy."

  "This morning I was calling you sir Chanter. Things like these take time."

  Gaius laughed. "Fair enough"

  Victor sighed. "Still, now we don't have a place to stay, and all of a sudden, I'm not feeling a lot of that famed Caladonian hospitality."

  "Ah, that would be a problem, if not for the perfectly good rooms I have above my store," Gaius said. "They're not too fancy, but they're cheap. And I take gold if you were wondering."

  Victor stopped and turned to Gaius. "I had my doubts about you, Guy, and this axe you sold me. But I was wrong. You're the best thing that happened to me. After meeting Alessia, I mean. How can I thank you for all you've done for me today?"

  "No need to thank me," Gaius said. "Just say yes."

  "Yes?"

  "To the job I have for you."

  "A good advice, a place to stay, and now a job? The gods must have put you on our path, Gaius," Victor said. "What do I have to do?"

  "I just need you to find me some mushrooms."

  Gaius explained exactly what he needed from the two on the way back to the store. He was in luck. Alessia actually knew that particular type of mushroom and where they tended to grow. And because it turned out to be such an easy task, Victor even refused to be paid for it.

  Having shown Victor and Alessia to one of the spare rooms, Gaius left the store not exactly feeling good, on account of this whole divination thing still looming over him, but at least he knew he did all he could for now.

  His adventurers needed at least a few days to find the mushrooms. This opened up his schedule for a meeting with the ale-brewing dwarves.

  It was all but impossible to get lost on the way to Siembra's dwarven quarter. First, you set a course for all the refineries up in the mountains, and once you got too close to see them without breaking your neck, you used the increasing volume of curbside drunks as an indicator that you were on the right path.

  A thick brick wall encircled the dwarven side of town. It wasn't especially high, but the masonry and the carvings on it were quite impressive.

  A pair of dwarves was standing guard by what seemed to be the only gate leading in and out of the quarter. It was difficult to say if they were displeased to see Gaius approach them, or if they were just dwarves. They looked nearly identical in their kettle hats and full-body suits of scale mail. Pretty much the only way to tell them apart were their beards. One was red, the other grey.

  Both dwarves were holding onto simple wooden clubs, with large nasty-looking axes stuck to their backs. Gaius kicked himself for not mentioning dwarves to Victor as another reason for why he should be happy with an axe. The stout bearded folk knew what they were doing when it came to arms.

  Without a smile for a change, Gaius introduced himself as a local merchant with lucrative business to discuss. He was expecting to be taken to an important dwarf, or at least invited in. Instead, the two guards felt perfectly confident to talk business as representatives of their clan.

  During his travels, Gaius had some dealings with dwarves, but this was the first time he heard about such a flat hierarchy. Despite his reservations, he informed the two dwarves that he would like to purchase a few casks of their finest ale, explained why he needed it, and added that if things worked out, he would require regular shipments.

  The dwarves whispered something among themselves, then the one with the red beard said, "Do you have a license?"

  "A license?"

  "Yes, a license. Only licensed drinking establishments are allowed to purchase our ale. It was a part of our agreement when we moved here."

  "This is ridiculous," Gaius said. "Since when do dwarves need licenses to sell their ale. That would be like elves needing a license to go around feeling like they're better than everyone else." The dwarves nodded in agreement to that. Gaius took it as a sign to press forward. "Is there any way we could skip all this nonsense? I don't need that much ale. No one would notice."

  Red, as Gaius designated him, crossed his arms and shook his head.

  "Look, lad, I'd love to help you out. It's not like I enjoy sitting on those damn barrels. But I'd rather fuck his sister than listen to that Ramirez fella complain about us not following the rules of our agreement one more time." Red stuck his thumb towards his Grey clansman. "If you were me, would you fuck his sister?" he asked Gaius.

  With no idea what the right answer to that was, Gaius said, "I'm sure she's a lovely lady with a fine beard."

  Both dwarves doubled over and responded with thunderous laughter. When they were done and Gaius was still standing before them, confused, Red explained, "He doesn't have a sister." Seeing that Gaius was still not getting it, he added, "That's what makes it funny."

  Grey added, "Just a little bit of dwarven humor for you, lad. You know, to soften the blow of us telling you to piss off."

  "Politely telling him to piss off," Red butted in with a correction.

  The dwarves started laughing again, making Gaius suspect they were drinking that ale of theirs as a substitute for any and all meals.

  "It wasn't very polite," Red explained again.

  "And that's why it's funny," Grey added.

  Gaius rubbed the side of his head. "You know, guys, explaining jokes is what makes them not funny."

  "Exactly," both dwarves said at once. "What makes it hilarious," Grey elaborated, wiping tears from the sides of his eyes.

  "Fascinating," Gaius said through his teeth. "But now that we're done with this lesson on dwarven humor, how about we get back to business?"

  "What business?" Red said. "I thought we told you to piss off."

  Gaius had no intention of pissing off. "You're dwarves, you must have a smithy or two behind that wall of yours."

  The dwarves broke into laughter once again.

  "Now you're getting the hang of our humor," Red said. "We're dwarves. Of course, we have smithies. But is there a point to this amusing observation?"

  "I'm sure your craftsmen can make an axe that stays sharp even after sitting on the ocean floor for a decade. And hammers that can crack skulls as easily as they break walls. But one thing I've never known a dwarf to be good at is magic. I happen to be a decent enchanter. If you deliver me the ale I need, and not mention anything about it to the magistrate while you're at it, I can turn your masterwork weapons into real relics, something worthy of passing down through generations."

  Now, this got the dwarves going. They whispered among themselves for a while. With their beards muffling whatever sounds they were producing, Gaius had no idea where they would land.

  Finally, Red said, "What can you do, lad?"

  Now he had them. "I'm good at the elemental stuff. I'm even better at lights and illusions, but from what I know, you guys don't need illumination that much. I can also make sure that your weapon makes anyone who holds it a better warrior." Seeing the excited glint in the dwarves' eyes, Gaius added, to lower their expectations, "It won't make you a one-man army or tough enough to wrestle with a dragon, but it will give you a good boost, you can trust me on that."

  "That so?" Grey said. "And what are you doing being a merchant then, if you're this good?"

  "Didn't want to get bogged down in the family business," Gaius replied.

  Following another round of hushed whispers, Grey took the axe from his back and handed it over to Gaius.

  "Here. Take this. Work your magic. We like what we see and you'll get your ale. No license required."

  Gaius grabbed the axe and put it on his shoulder. It was too heavy and unwieldy for him, but he wasn't about to show any weakness in front of the dwarves.

  Putting on a casual smirk, he asked, "And are you guys sure you can make this decision? Shouldn't you consult with your elders? Every dwarf I've met before was all about listening to elders."

  Red shook his head. "Nah, lad. Those must have been those uncultured mining first, ale second dwarves."

  "We are the ale first, mining second dwarves. A much better way to live."

  Preempting what was about to happen, Gaius held the dwarf's axe in front of him and said, "I swear, if you two start laughing again, I'll turn this thing rubber."

  Story Facts - Chapter 12