Val massages her forehead, it doesn’t even matter that her head was already half machine—whatever was in front of her just won’t compute. Her optic impnts flicker with static as she tries to process the information.
“So, let me get this straight. Your first internship was with Archangel Michael?”
Felix grins. “Yep! Great mentor. Very smitey.”
“…How?”
“Oh, I was a sacristan for a while, had to save this bishop from being eaten by a demon. Word got around, and next thing I knew—boom! Heavenly internship.”
Val’s processors stall. How do those events even connect!? She exhales, forcing her cybernetics to regute her rising stress levels.
She forces a smile. “Can you expin that with more accuracy? And, preferably, logic?”
The Captain nods. “No, it checks out. Rumors spread fast in Heaven.”
Val gres. “Captain. Not. Helping.”
“What? It’s true! Their break rooms are amazing. People really open up over celestial coffee.”
Felix nods. “Best coffee in existence, hands down.”
“Definitely.”
Val raises her hands in surrender. “Fine. What did you actually learn from Lord Michael?”
Felix starts counting on his fingers. “Sword fighting, smiting, choosing a good prophet—”
Val sighs. She really shouldn't have expected anything different.
Felix suddenly brightens. “Oh! And office politics.”
Val’s brain short-circuits. Office politics. In Heaven. Instead of processing, she just looks down, ignoring the internal warning bells bring in her head.
“How did you go from that to interning under Asmodeus?”
Felix scratches his cheek. “Oh, yeah. Asmodeus got lost in Heaven, I helped him out, and then—uh—I got kidnapped.”
“KIDNAPPED!? You got kidnapped!?”
“Yep. Sent Lord Michael my letter of resignation—signed by Asmodeus.”
Eris, unbothered, perks up. “What did you learn from Lord Asmodeus?”
Felix shrugs. “Seduction, I think? Something about lighting and angles? Also, complete dissection of the human psyche—finding the void in someone’s soul and filling it. You know, standard stuff.”
Val’s eye twitches. Who SAYS things like that!? She forces herself to smile. “Of course. Career moves like that certainly come to mind when switching industries.”
The Captain nods sagely, as if this makes complete sense.
Teddy slides into the conversation. “Forget all that boring stuff—you interned under Merlin. The actual Merlin. How was he? What was he like!?”
Felix purses his lips. “Chaotic neutral.”
Teddy gasps. “Whoa, that sounds awesome! What does that mean?”
Felix smirks. “Yup. That’s just it.”
“…Ooooh, I don’t get it.”
“Exactly.”
Val stares at them, praying—begging—for some kind of logical thread to tch onto. Her yottabyte of RAM screams for mercy.
The Captain shakes his head. “Cssic Merlin.”
Val feels faint. The sheer stupidity of this conversation is killing her, but she reels herself back in, coughing into her hand. “Alright. Moving on. Let’s talk about your skills.”
She squints at his file. “Experiencing Nonlinear Time.”
Felix nods. “Oh yeah, that really changes your perspective. I still sometimes run into my past and future selves. It’s pretty neat.”
The Captain perks up. “Yog-Sothoth, right?”
“Yep! Got it as a boon after my babysitting job with Shub-Niggurath.”
Val exhales sharply. Of course he did. Why am I even surprised?
Her eyes flicker to Everett, who seems deep in thought. Right. This isn’t weird here. If someone can marry an eldritch horror, why can’t Felix babysit one? Clearly, the problem isn’t them—it’s her. She runs a hand down her face. She needs a break.
“Oh! Shubs! How is Shubs?”
“She’s been well, sir.”
“Did she mention me?”
“I don’t think so? Never heard of a Solomon Vex.”
“Oh, wait. How about N???????y??????z??????z???o?????-????K?????a??????e?????l??????”
Val’s processors glitch. The sound of that name is wrong.
Felix blinks. “Oh. Yeah. I’ve heard of you. Something about being a [redacted], [redacted], [redacted]… [redacted] [redacted].”
The Captain sighs. “Oof. Yeah, that tracks. Guess I’ll check back in another thousand years.”
Everett coughs. “Are you still avaible for babysitting?”
Felix beams and pulls out a card. “Oh yeah! I’m free on Saturdays, or evenings if time dition is involved. Just give me a heads-up.”
Everett takes the card. It vanishes from view. “Thank you.”
Even Mawmaw tilts her head, the dark pools of her eyes glinting in recognition. “Do you also, perhaps, know how to cook?”
Felix straightens. “Of course! Uh… Ms. Mawmaw?”
The Captain ruffles her hair. “Yup! Mawmaw! Named her myself. Cute, right?”
Felix nods. “Mawmaw, got it. And yeah, I can cook for you on Sundays—delivery, mostly.”
Mawmaw tilts her head further. The darkness in her eyes deepens. Her jaw unhinges.
“But can you satisfy my endless hunger? The one that devours stars? T????h?????e???? ????M????a????w???? ????t?????h????a?????t???? ????d?????e????v????o???u???r????s?????”
Val and Teddy slowly push their chairs away. Everett clears his throat. Eris grins. The Captain beams like a proud dad.
Felix considers. “That… depends? How eversting are we talking about here?”
Val exhales through her nose. She should have known this interview would be complete nonsense. She flicks a gnce at Eris. “If you’re gonna ask him something, better do it now.”
Eris’s grin widens. “Then, how did you gain Chaos' favor?”
Val’s eyes widen. He gained WHAT!?
She looks down at Felix’s resume. Beneath all the internships, recommendations, and skills sits the sigil of Chaos.
Burning across the paper. Hidden, yet obvious. Real, yet unknowable.
Felix sighs. “I was hoping no one would notice.”
He rubs his eyes, and a sigil fres across his iris. “I don’t actually know what happened. I was in bed, trying to sleep, and then—boom—my eyes started burning. It was excruciating.”
Val should’ve taken the alcohol add-on.
Because this? This bullshit is not worth hearing sober.
Eris cackles. Teddy stares in awe. Everett nods sagely. The Captain gives Felix a thumbs-up. Mawmaw nods, which is somehow worse.
“Okay! He’s hired!” Val cps her hands together. “Anyone against it? No? No one? Great! Let’s not discuss any of the bullshit on his resume ever again.”
She turns to leave, massaging her temples. “I need a break.”
A hand grabs her colr. She gres up at the Captain. “What?”
He winks. “Our newbie needs job experience. And I know just the case.”
He pulls a folder from nowhere.
Val’s stomach drops. “No. Absolutely not.”
He wags a finger. “Nope. Not allowed.”
“Oh, come on.” She groans as he shoves the folder into her hands.
A hole rips open beneath them.
Felix plummets beside her, waving cheerfully. “Thank you for the opportunity!”
Val crosses her arms as she falls through an endless void.
She has paperwork. And now she has to train the anomaly known as Felix Calloway.
Felix scratches his cheek. “Uh… Ms. Val?”
“What.”
“I know I’m hired and all, but—uh—what are our benefits?”
Val squints at him. “That’s what you’re worried about right now?”
Felix grins. “Well, with you around, I’m sure we can do anything!”
She winces. He says that like it’s a good thing.
She ruffles her hair, her eye shifting colors. “Just ask Mawmaw. She can heal you up… more or less.”
Felix brightens. “Wait—so we don’t have dental?”
“Dental?” Val snorts. “Mawmaw is literally a master of all things jaw-reted. Just ask her to fix your teeth.”
Felix hums, thinking. “What about work hours?”
“Overtime’s not a big deal. You can leave whenever you want—just finish your job first or hand it off to a skeleton… on most days.”
“So, mostly fieldwork?”
“Yep. Fieldwork and reports.”
Felix processes this as a screaming soul tches onto his face.
“Okay, but what does that actually mean—”
Val sighs, yanks the soul off, and strangles it with her bionic arm. She shoves the mission report into Felix’s hands. “Just read the damn details. We’ll figure it out when we nd.”
A light blooms ahead.
Felix hesitates. “Wait! What about retirement?”
Val squints at the blinding glow. “No.”
