"We, of the Roach Demonic Guild — cowardly in nature but hardier than any other — have meticulously survived since the beginning of this world (100 game years). Even though the Capital is a lovely bathtub-feet-ad paradise, our rivals, the Rat Clan, have desecrated the sanctity of the holy tub. They wish to drink the bathwater of our mistress, not worship it as any sane believer should! These scum are beneath us and deserve nothing less than total extermination.

  *Their unscrupulous tactics may have bested others, but our cowardice has saved us from their overwhelming strats. And now, with great conviction, I say to you my friends: The battle lines have been drawn! We must not permit them to obtain the FREE BATHWATER SAMPLE that was *prophesied by the holy Nocture-sama!!!"

  Rat King’s POV:

  

  "My people — sons and daughters of the Rat Guild — the cheese has been with us since the beginning of time. It has promised us victory even in the most impossible of situations.

  We must respect the cheese because it provides. We must worship the cheese for its eternal compact. We must use the cheese for total victory!

  The promised time has come: the limited edition bathwater is just minutes away, and we must drink it! To become one with our Goddess is our divine right! No Roach will stand in our way — extermination these heretics Is Our Sacred Duty!"

  Both guilds, vying for the destruction of the other, failed to realize the only vermin about to be destroyed… was them.

  GRRAAAHHHHH

  (What the hell are they doing in the middle of town? Looks like two guilds — one armored like roaches, the other with measly rat cloaks — they are waiting for something.)

  AHHHHH

  (Better check on the local vendor.)

  

  Weapon Vendor:

  Special Promotion: 20% off one gear item. Participate and win the bathwater contest loyal followers!

  Whimper, whimper...

  (This contest it smells of such much BS. But my sword turned to dust hours ago. Might as well upgrade wile I can.)

  Just as Hajime starts browsing, a Nocture NPC spawns in the middle of the square. Still distracted by stats and item descriptions, he misses the incoming chaos.

  

  "WELCOME! WELCOME! TO THE CENTENNIAL PROMOTIONAL SAMPLER EVENT!"

  She sits on a throne, looking deadpan. A whip materializes from thin air.

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  

  "RAFFLE! RAFFLE! RAFFLEEEEEE!"

  The crowd whistles until she cracks the whip. Silence!!!

  

  "Only the most loyal of you scum may sample our promotion. So paypigs, your worth will be judged... by how many ADs of my exquisite form you've watched!"

  Lines form. A number appears over each participant's head — even Hajime’s, though he’s still distracted by the expensive prices.

  (GRUUUUUHHH… This spear looks good, but it needs 90+ DEX. Is there a way to re-spec? Gotta explore more before I burn this dump down.)

  Nocture’s Judgement:

  

  
• 
  
    <1,000 ads: Unregistered.
  
    


  
• 
  
    5,000: Whip punishment.
  
    


  
• 
  
    10,000: Stink-eye.
  
    


  
• 
  
    15,000+: Disgusted look and the whip again. Some seem to enjoy it??
  
    


  
• 
  
    20,000+: All of the above — and are called “paypigs.”
  
    


  

  The Roach King: 600,000 Nocture ads — gets a disgusted feet-smack + whipped in the ass with extreme prejudice.

  The Rat King: 1 million ads — achieved using a specialized cheese-technique that increased Nocture ad-spawn rate by 20%. She visibly recoils, whips him repeatedly, and finishes with a well deserved Roadhouse Kick.

  She’s about to call it quits… when she sees him.

  A buff, almost-naked demon, radiating “definitely going to kill you, but also probably soft-hearted on the inside” energy.

  

  His ad count: 6 MILLION.

  

  “THAT PAYPIG OVER THERE!!! HE’S THE WINNER!”

  Everyone turns towards Hajime-san and instantly aggroed the entire plaza.

  

  Congratulations! You won the contest. Discount now in effect.

  GRUUUUH?

  (Did I just get lucky? Everything’s affordable now?)

  KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!!

  (I look at the endgame gear — the Demon King Sword. I’ve saved everything I earned. I didn’t waste a single point… FREE-TO-PLAY PLAYERS FINALLY GET THEIR DAY IN THE SUN!!!)

  Hajime pushes "Buy."

  The sky goes black, tornados of magma rip the land. Earthquakes crack the soil as a sword erupts from lava — bubbling, hissing with cursed runes.

  Around the world:

  

  
• 
  
    Undead rise from graveyards.
  
    


  
• 
  
    Fishing villages silently vanish, leaving only suspicious gold trinkets.
  
    


  
• 
  
    A dragon awakens, rushing to form a covenant with humanity’s last hero.
  
    


  

  

  The worldscape has changed for the worse.

  Hajime grabs the sword. It’s dusty, spiky, and the hilt is shaped like… a dark bankrupt looking whale?

  

  A glowing red aura pulses around it — its definitely the color of sunk costs.

  On it, glowing runes:

  

  Contracted to Walletbreak, “The Weeping Blade.”

  BOOM. Lava bubble pops.

  

  Sword:

  “I’m out of the basement! YATTTAAA!”

  It's chirpy — just like his old cursed sword.

  

  “Hey contractor, use me already! I wanna stretch!”

  Sure. Hajime swings the sword at the merchant NPC…

  

  Nothing happens.

  Sword (nervously):

  

  “Uh… how many store points do you have?”

  Hajime:

  

  “Zero.”

  Sword:

  

  “Microtransactions… are my power. Please… buy a swing when you have $$$.”

  [Sword goes back to sleep with a lava bubble.]

  

  “SUCH a piece of crap endgame weapon.”

  Hajime slings it over his back and punches the merchant out of rage.

  The two guilds gulp in unison, the Naked Asura now turns toward them.

  Their bathwater dreams?

  Evaporated.