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  One who likes the sound

  of her own cleverness.

  Collected Unpublished Lyrics

  - Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn, (2782)

  Journal

  Family. I’m not just going to become a citizen; I’ve joined a family. I don’t have good experiences of family.

  Family is why I'm ruined.

  I’m not sure if this is a good thing? I just showed them, or at least Denten and a few others, that I can speak into their minds whenever I want to.

  That I’m cracked, and I'm trying to fix myself, but what is going on with me isn’t a medica problem. If I let go and relax my hold on this sense that I have, I’ll just start invading everyone’s personal thoughts and feelings. That’s just not right.

  But how can I stay here and be a part of a family and keep sitting outside by myself?

  It seems like I’ve been missing a lot of crucial things while I’ve been here. I’ve been so afraid of being a nosy, snooping off sphere, and trying so hard not to offend them, that I’ve pushed away generous, thoughtful people.

  I mean, all I had to do was go up to Sorchen in the library, and she gave me everything I wanted to know and then some. And brought me a fridge.

  And tended… tended me when I was sick… Stars, my thoughts are too slow, like ice melting in the sun. Sorchen was tending me while I was sick, like a mother. A mother.

  Oh stars—stars! They really, actually care. They aren’t just trying to make sure the off sphere medica doesn’t die on their watch and start an interplanetary conflict. They really care about me.

  Stars, I feel naked. I don’t think I like this.

  Is this good? It's a new chapter. There was the old chapter. It sucked.

  My family sucked, but I didn't just bend to their will. I made my own decisions and walked my own path. I have my own successes to celebrate. I'm cracked, but I’m figuring out how to heal.

  Maybe this is just part of healing? Realizing that there are people who are worth trusting?

  Can I do that? Expect that they will be good to me and not strike me in the back when I’m least expecting it? Can I expect kindness and generosity instead of manipulation and betrayal? Am I even capable of hoping for it?

  Asking questions seems to be a good way to start. I never asked Denten my questions tonight. The whole “Let me speak into your mind and tell you exactly what I think of your dinner” plan took over instead.

  So, maybe I can try again? Try having a conversation about family?

  Bend, stretch, lift, tuck, one hand, one foot, I am the breath. The breath is in me. Feel the breath. The breath moves me. I am freaking out.

  I am freaking out. I am freaking out.

  The flow came to an end. I sat on the floor and took another deep breath, Denten beside me. We weren't facing each other, and my jaw worked with anxious tension. I wanted to blurt it out, but I didn’t want to open my mouth.

  I let myself feel Denten sitting next to me, and oh stars! He was calm, and he was patient. He was fine to sit there. If I wanted to speak, I would. If I just needed to sit, that was fine.

  I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to cry. I took a steadying breath.

  When I was ready, I started, “I think I'd like to talk about family.”

  Then words poured out. “Something bad happened to me, Denten, before I came to Shurwinn. I was physically injured, and more than that."

  I took a deep breath and continued, "My trust was broken so deeply that it’s not easy to try again. But I want to. This is how I am trying. By just talking. I want to tell you a story. And it’s a bad story. But I think I need to say it out loud in order to heal the wounds."

  Denten’s presence continued to be a steady rock, and I let that anchor me. "Thank you for caring about me. I’ve only just realized that everyone here at the monastery truly cares. I’m not used to people tending me when I’m sick or celebrating with me when something great happens. I realized last night that this is how you're showing me that you are family. So, I’m going to try to be family too and tell you about me.”

  I took a big breath to brace myself, then continued, “What you won’t find in the public records about me is that I was married. Before I came to Shurwinn, my ex-husband tried to kill me.”

  Denten fell completely still next to me, like a statue.

  I trudged on, telling him the whole story. "I lived, but I wasn’t the same person after that. Darwin is on a prison sphere now, and we're divorced. None of this was publicized, so you don’t have to worry. I don’t think anyone can find out and cause problems for Shurwinn because of it.”

  Denten turned to me, shocked. “You think I’m worried about myself, Ryst? I’m not worried about what the public will say. I’m concerned for you. Your safety. I just want you to be happy and free. Nothing else matters.”

  I looked away. I couldn’t keep going if he kept saying things like that. I nodded, “Thank you. But there’s more, Denten. I keep thinking about how I managed to marry a man who was capable of such violence, such hatred. How did I not know what kind of person he was?"

  "And I think part of the problem has to do with family. My family was—well, on the surface, it should sound great. I’m sure you already know the public information: the business, and all of the data points?”

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  I felt him nodding.

  “But, that doesn’t really tell you much about what it was like to grow up there. Novaceuticals is a cosmetics business empire. Tremendously successful. But it’s all swirling around my mother, who requires constant attention and adoration. And if you don’t do exactly what she wants, if you challenge her, or even accidentally slight her for something you don’t even know she will be offended by, then you are on the outs with the whole family."

  I plowed ahead, and the words just kept flowing. “Everyone thinks you're the bad guy who was so mean to mother and stabs you in the back. It’s sick, and growing up like that meant always being on guard, looking over my shoulder. Never expecting kindness. Never expecting people to be trustworthy.”

  “And I think that’s part of why I married Darwin and didn’t question some of the things he did that should've been warning signs. Because I was used to being treated like trash and didn’t have anything good to compare it to. In some ways, Darwin wasn’t as bad as my family. He ignored me and would change the subject if I asked about something serious, but he wasn’t acting like my mother. Until the very end.”

  I sighed, letting the tension go with my words. “So, I think that, well—I know it isn’t my fault that all of this happened. But, I never wanna go through it again, so I’m trying to figure out what I need to do with myself so it doesn’t keep happening. And I’m hoping that just talking about it is the first step?”

  Denten leaned over and laid three bead bags on the floor in a line. Green. Blue. Purple.

  “What?” I was shocked. This was not what I was expecting.

  It was Denten’s turn to talk. “Really, Ryst, I should've been able to give you the purple beads last night. But I needed to hear you say a few things before I could do that. So, let me tell you more about the beads and the mystical path of Tindin.”

  Mystical path. Mystical. I liked that word.

  “Green,” he continued, “is when the student shares a personal insight about themselves. Blue: knowledge of something larger in the world outside themselves. Purple is when the student demonstrates a connection to a mystical force.”

  I reached forward and picked up the first strand as he explained, “Green: you're thinking about what it means to have family. You want to heal, and you see how past hurts have made you vulnerable to those who would be unkind to you. You aren’t blaming anyone else for the hurts you have endured; you want to better yourself.”

  “Blue,” he continued, holding the beads in one palm. “You see that there are people in the world who are not trustworthy, but you also see that there are people in the world who are worth trusting. You know that you're on a mystical path of healing, and that relying on something outside of you is a part of that journey.”

  I picked up the final string, intertwining it with the green.

  Denten went on, “Purple: last night you demonstrated an ability to connect in a mystical way to other people. You sent a glow of thankfulness out of your body and communicated your feelings without saying a word out loud. You are Talented, Ryst. Have you met other Talented since you have been on Shurwinn?”

  My eyebrows shot up, and I turned to face him. “WHAT?! Talented? You mean, you aren’t afraid of me?”

  He laughed. “No, Ryst! You’re Talented. Have you met anyone like you?”

  I shook my head, rubbing my forehead with my hand. “What? Talented? I’ve been thinking I was crazy for months. I’ve been going mad just trying to control it. And there was this mirka, and it went to sleep on my neck. And I saw all these colors, and I was vast as the desert."

  My voice rose to a fevered pitch, "And there was this old lady the mirka took me to, then I came to the monastery looking for Warrior Nuns. And are you telling me the mirkas are Talented? CAN THEY SEE THE FUTURE!?”

  Denten laughed uproariously, along with me. It felt so good to laugh. All the confusion and helplessness and overwhelm came pouring out of me in gales of ridiculousness.

  Finally, when we quieted down, I asked, “No, seriously, are the mirkas Talented? What's going on? I've been so confused and overwhelmed. It was like I got my head busted open, and something poured out, and I’m not the same anymore. And I’m trying to figure out what is going on with me, but I thought I couldn’t tell anyone because, well, I hardly believed it myself. So, why would anyone else believe me? There are really Talented like me?”

  He laughed a little and said calmly, “Ryst, I don’t know exactly what your Talent is. I only know what I felt from you last night, so we can explore that a little more. But the mirkas aren’t Talented, exactly. It’s the people. The seelees.”

  “Seelees?”

  “Yes, it translates something like, ‘Ones who hear animals.’”

  “‘Ones who hear animals,’” I repeated. “So, the seelees hear animals like I hear people?”

  “I don’t know if I can explain it to you since I'm not a seelee, and I don’t have your gift, so I don’t know what it's like for you. But the seelees hear animals. They know what the animal wants, or they feel it, I’m not sure exactly, but the mirkas really like the seelees, so you'll see them around,” he said, handing me the blue beads.

  “So, Paulo, the mirka, probably that girl who he belonged to— she was probably a seelee?” I asked in wonder.

  “Probably. And I haven’t experienced a Talent like yours before. So I don’t know for sure if there’s anyone else exactly like you. The seelees are the most common Talented, and they are rare. So that tells you how often we see Talented: not often."

  I interrupted him, desperate to put something together. "But wait, Denten, there was an older woman who said something to me about Sibyls and warrior nuns, and that’s how I found Chaludra, are you saying she’s one of the Talented?"

  “Hmm,” his head tilted. “Possibly. I can’t say for sure, Ryst, but I can tell you more about the Tindin path and the beads?"

  I nodded, so he went on. “We know the Talented are here, and we encourage their formation through the Shurwinn code—the isolationist philosophy. It isn’t a marketing strategy alone. We like to let people think that it is, but we're protecting the vulnerable and cherishing them. We are all family, and we look after each other."

  Something in my heart warmed at the explanation.

  Denten continued, "And next is that the mystical path of Tindin is a personal and individual journey that we each go on together. We don’t know for sure, but we think that’s how the Talents develop. Level 4, or Green Beader, is the first step of self discovery. And no one tells the Level 3s, the Yellow Beaders, what Level 4 is. So, the only way to reach Level 4 is by your own individual path. No two people develop their gifts the same way.”

  I nodded absently, listening as I looked out across the dojo.

  “Do you see?” he continued. “It’s the student who creates the journey, even if they don’t know what they're trying to do. So, here in Shurwinn, we have many who are Yellow Beaders, but few who continue to Green. Because it takes a lot of dedication to explore yourself and express that to a teacher."

  This made perfect sense to me; it'd taken me months to get the courage to speak up, hadn’t it?

  "Most of the Shurwinn still believe that Level 4, Green, and above is about martial arts and fighting skills. They don’t understand that endless years in the dojo sparring isn’t going to progress them unless they take time to contemplate in the quiet of their own minds,” he finished.

  “Wow, Denten,” I marveled. “A mystical path of martial arts?" It wasn’t about sparring or forms, it was about experiencing my self, and then demonstrating a connection to an external force.

  “So… I. Last night,” I cringed. I didn’t even know how to describe what I'd done. “Last night at dinner when I, well, I’ve never done that exactly. Did you hear my voice in your mind?”

  His tone was gentle when he responded, “I just felt a warm feeling coming from you. Felt like you were telling me that you were thankful. I felt like you were finally showing me who you are, not like you were invading my mind.”

  I exhaled a breath I didn’t realize I was holding, and twirled my new beads through my fingers.

  “Ryst, my wife and I would like you to come to dinner. Will you come over tonight?”

  I blinked rapidly trying to compute the new information. “Dinner? You have a house?”

  He chuckled. “I don’t live at the monastery, Lirin and I have a house and children and grandchildren.”

  I laughed. Of course he had a family! I'd missed so much. “I would love to come to dinner, but you know I—,” I started, but he interrupted me.

  “Your diet isn't an issue. Lirin is a pastry chef, and we have a shop in town. She already knows everything you eat. You like curries, right?”

  I nodded, “But I don’t expect other people to do what I do. It really isn’t practical, and I don’t think it’s right to ask other people to make the sacrifices—“

  He interrupted me again, “Okay, how about we say that Lirin and I want to have an adventure and try a meal like yours for just one night? Will you let us have an adventurous dinner with you?”

  I laughed, oh stars, he was so good at making all my insecurities seem like quirks to be enjoyed. I started to feel a really odd sensation.

  I decided to call it “acceptance.” That must be what true family was—acceptance.

  “Okay, Denten, let’s go on a culinary adventure. Should I bring something?”

  “How about you bring yourself. Is 6:00 tonight okay? You should take a porter. I’ll send the address,” he smiled.

  “That sounds wonderful. Please tell Lirin that I’m looking forward to meeting her,” I said as I picked up my new beads and headed for the door.

  “She'll be ecstatic to finally meet you, Ryst. Sunshine!” he called as we parted ways.

  I looked down at the beads in my hands. Purple. Only three strands left before I reached Level 9.