I wanted him. My body hurt.
I love you, I felt him say.
I don’t know what to do right now, I sent back.
“Just kiss me,” he said.
“Do you want to?” I asked.
"You’re sitting on my lap, kissing me, asking if I want to?” he said.
Chuckling. I felt him laughing.
“Do you need me to?” I asked.
“Unh uh. No. Not if you can’t come with me,” he said.
Not while your body hurts you. I love you, I felt him say.
“Does it bother you?” I asked.
No. It’s just there, I felt him say.
“Let’s just kiss,” he said.
I decided. I could just kiss him today.
We decided. We could just kiss today.
It was okay.
I was okay.
We were okay.
- Within and Without: A Tindin Journey With Erotica
“Ryst! You’re here!” Lirin said, pulling me into an embrace.
There was no formal bow. There was just the short, round woman with a loose braid and bare feet welcoming me to her home as though I’d been there hundreds of times.
And it struck me that I had passed through the doorway and into the real Shurwinn. I was in someone’s home—Denten’s home—hugging his wife! And I didn’t feel awkward or clumsy.
It was impossible to feel nervous around Lirin. She was just a jubilant, lively woman full of energy and brightness. Such a contrast to the staid, quiet Denten I’d been greeting the sun with in the dojo.
I kicked off my slippers next to their shoes by the door and followed my hostess.
“I love your home, Lirin! Thanks for inviting me over.”
“I’m so glad you’re finally here for dinner, Ryst. And this is so fun. I love having new things to try, and I can’t wait to see how you like this pepper veg. I think everything turned out great,” she said, heading towards the low tatsu table.
There were shiki benches that sat directly on the floor, the kind with backs so you could lean when you were sitting on the cushions. No formal dining table, just this comfortable, lived-in space where children had run around, and people lounged.
It was all so laid-back and cozy. I wasn’t just having a culinary adventure, I was having a whole new life adventure. Gone was the aloof off sphere, afraid to talk to anyone because I didn’t want to offend Shurwinn ways.
We loaded plates with salads and fruit and veggies, and I decided to ask questions. We talked about citizenship and employment, and the Shurwinn Code, and things that I couldn’t read about on the stream.
When I asked why they were answering my questions so openly when I was still an off sphere, Lirin said that I couldn’t really decide to live on a sphere properly if I didn’t know anything about it, could I?
“But aren’t you worried that I’ll leave and tell everyone all about Shurwinn?” I wondered.
“Ryst,” Denten explained in his patient teacher voice, “If I thought you were going to leave Shurwinn, if I thought you were the type of person who betrayed her friends, if I had any doubts about you at all, I wouldn’t have offered to be your Guarantor. And that’s what it means to be a Guarantor. I wanted you to become a citizen because I already saw you as a part of the Shurwinn family.”
So, I had passed a test I didn’t know I was taking. Again. I hadn’t known that the Yellow Beads were a mystical path until I started opening up about my inner self. Now, I had been an outsider, and I'd started asking questions about citizenship, and that was a signal that I didn’t know I was giving.
The whole time, everything had been up to me. No one had pushed me or even led me because my path to Shurwinn citizenship had always been self directed. I wanted to laugh at myself. All those months, the whole village had probably known who I was, and all I needed to do was ask if I wanted something.
“What if I don’t stay on Shurwinn long term?”
Lirin said, “‘Isolationist' doesn’t mean 'penal colony!' No one is trapped here. We come and go as much as we want to."
She paused, offering me a scoop of curry, and I held up my plate. Lirin kept talking, "The difference between Shurwinn and other spheres is the visitation requirements, but for citizens, it’s just like everywhere else. Do you know what you want to do next? Do you want to go back to your job on Starlend, Ryst?”
Swallowing the spicy curry, I shook my head, “No, I definitely don’t want to go back to Starlend. But I don’t know what I want to do next. It’s really hard to think about being a medica again. I— I’m not the same person, and I can’t just pick up my old life like it’s a comfortable jacket. Because it’s not."
I wiped my mouth with a napkin, then kept going, "But I don’t know where I’m going, Lirin. I just found out today that I’m Talented. That this is something that you know about, and that’s a lot to wrap my head around.”
Lirin asked, “So, is that something you’d like to do next? Practice with your Talent?”
“Like in a dojo? Are there Talented classes? Have I been missing something major at the monastery? It seems like I was clueless about so much!” I sniggered.
They chuckled, and Lirin explained, “No, it’s not like that. But I meant that you could practice here, with us. I’d like to see what you can do.”
“Oh no. No way. You don’t want me to just let go and start reading your mind. It’s bad enough that I already know that you're happy right now and content, like I’m one of your family who has been away and has just come home. It’s way too personal, Lirin, and it’s really hard to control it in situations like this,” I said, brow furrowed.
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“Control it?” Denten gently probed. “What're you trying to control, Ryst?”
“I—well, I’m not entirely sure. I’m still working on figuring that out.”
Lirin hummed to herself and nodded. “Maybe it’s like a new dessert you want to make. You gather all the ingredients, think of how you want to approach it, and then start making different renditions. You try this and that and keep doing it until you’ve got it the way you want it. And by then, it’s familiar. What if you thought of it like that, Ryst? What if it’s an experiment, and you try a little of this and a little of that?”
Hmm. An experiment. That sounded like something I could do. Wasn’t that what I was doing with the uncooked diet? Just trying it out, taking a relaxed approach?
“I think—I think I could maybe try. But I still feel like it’s unnatural. I mean, I shouldn’t just know what people feel or hear their thoughts. It isn’t right. If you want to tell me something private about yourself, then you should have the choice to tell me.”
“Would it help if I explained what it was like at dinner the other night, so you could research the subjects and know both viewpoints?” Denten asked gently.
I nodded, and he continued, “For me, there was nothing invasive or unwelcome going on. I was sitting with my friend, and we were all celebrating her citizenship—that she had decided to join us formally. And then you were moved, and for the first time since you’d been at the monastery, you were yourself. The real Ryst Nova stepped forward. We could finally see past the curtain that was blocking the windows.”
“But what did it feel like? Wasn’t it too personal?” I asked softly.
“Why wouldn’t it be personal? When you are a medica, you need to be distant from your patients, Ryst.” Denten used his patient explaining things tone. “We need professionalism in a business setting. We need distance so we can be objective and make decisions.”
Or we need to be teachers who have pulled back into a different tone and are talking from a place of authority rather than familiarity, I thought to myself.
“But when we are casual, when we are with friends and family, we're warmer, right? We let down our guard. We can relax and just be ourselves. And I understand that you were new to this world. You needed time to learn our culture and language, to get comfortable with our ways and customs, and to practice a whole new martial art. But once you were participating in our daily lives, using our kitchen, cleaning our toilets! Cleaning the toilet definitely isn’t for guests!” he joked.
We laughed, and I felt ridiculous! "When you put it that way, I spent a long time being invasive! Barging into a stranger’s house and tidying up! ‘Here, your toilet’s a mess, let me take care of it for you!’”
Denten moved the plates away as Lirin set a small plate between us. It had three diamonds of something dark brown and rich. I smelled a fragrant aroma that I hadn’t tasted in months—chocolate! Real, Shurwinn chocolate. Best in the galaxy. There were two layers with a thin, dark ganache on top.
Lirin must have been talking from experience when she’d described experimenting with making a new dessert. It was perfection. There were no dessert plates, and Denten and Lirin were both just eating the chocolate straight off the serving plate.
Intimate, indeed. It seemed like it would be rude not to, so I joined in and took a forkful as Lirin started talking again.
“If it’s an experiment, then you need to start somewhere, right? Don’t you need someone to study? Could I be your first subject? I’d like to see your Talent,” she said.
I took a bite of the chocolate. It was rich and dark, slightly bitter and lightly sweetened. The bottom layer was dense, not light and fluffy like cake. Chewy, possibly made of dates? And the top layer was thick cream, similar to the cashew fruit tarts I made for myself, but richly chocolatey.
I closed my eyes and savored the bite. Mmm, chocolate! And I let my control slip; just felt how good it tasted. I didn’t even have to try. It was sensual and natural, and the creamy dessert melted against my tongue. She wanted to see what I could do?
Okay, Lirin, brace yourself.
I reached out. Something in me stretched. I was full of chocolatey happiness, and there were two people around me. They were curious and delighted. I was their granddaughter, and they were proud of me.
I had them; they were in my mind. They were mine, so what was I going to do with them?
I observed. We were sitting at a table on the floor. There was one plate of chocolate in front of us, and we were all eating it together. It was intimate and close, and I was in their minds. And they were happy about it.
How did I feel? Comfortable; welcome, not weird. I felt. . . accepted.
Something in me shifted, and I realized I was saying with my heart that it felt good to be accepted. I was—pushing? Pushing with my heart? Pushing out a feeling? Was I saying to them, somehow, that I belonged?
I opened my eyes and pulled back, asking breathily, “Okay, did you feel it?”
Lirin giggled, “Ryst, that was wonderful! You were so happy, and you feel like you belong here! And you do, Lemda.”
“Lemda?”
“Grandchild, granddaughter, the casual word, not the formal. ‘Lemda, I’m so glad you’re here.’ Not ‘My granddaughter is coming to dinner.’ And this is such a wonderful, wonderful Talent, Ryst! So, it must go both ways. You can say your feelings, and you can what, you can feel what I’m feeling? Is that it? Tell me, what was happening to you. Explain it all.”
So I explained. About the chocolate, and the feeling, and the reaching. And how most of the time I couldn't control it, it just happened, and I didn't really like it because I got overwhelmed, like on the starliner.
But as I told them my story, I started to realize that I'd been getting better slowly. That it wasn’t so bad anymore.
“I wonder—I wonder if being in Shurwinn… If leaving the city of Jensen and the noise and the crowds and the constant busyness, and going somewhere quiet helped my mind? Or maybe the Tindin and the gardens? Or the diet?"
I looked at Lirin for reassurance, "I wonder if I’ve slowly been working on the difficulty of being around people’s emotions and thoughts without realizing? Do you think that maybe just working on myself made a difference, so I’m not so overwhelmed all the time? Would I feel panicky on a starliner now?"
Lirin's face was open, soft, understanding, and Denten chimed in, “Maybe it was an adjustment period, Ryst. Like learning a new martial art. There are new muscles to move, new ways to position your body. It's awkward and clumsy at first. And it was always going to be."
His words soothed my rising discomfort, and I settled back on the cushion.
“With time and attention, you mastered the Tindin flow. It’s a part of you now. And your Talent is another skill. A new set of muscles you're working. There’s no one to show you exactly what to do or how to place yourself, but you are creating the dance. Like your first sparring session after you're proficient at the flow,” he finished.
I nodded, following his train of thought. “Like the first time sparring. You need to be so familiar with the forms that you aren’t thinking about them. You're aware of your opponent, and you focus your attention. You move, they move, you react, you assert, respond, react, defend, progress forward. Is it like sparring then?"
I realized I had closed my eyes without intending to. “Is that what I’m doing? Dancing with people without using my body? Using some other part of me? Interacting with them, like dancing, but more?”
I wasn’t sure. I was reaching for something, trying to understand a part of me that couldn’t be touched. Trying to hold something that couldn’t be grasped. Like water flowing from my hands. It wasn’t clear to me, but we were getting close to something. I pulled back into myself and opened my eyes.
“This chocolate is amazing, Lirin. Tell me about it?”
RAW CHOCOLATE DROPS
- 1 cup raw macadamia nuts (sub walnuts or almonds, if preferred)
- 1/3 dried vanilla bean, cut into bits
- 15 pitted dates, torn into pieces
- optional: 1/3 cup honey
- 1 tablespoon raw cocoa butter, diced
- 1/3 cup raw cacao powder
INSTRUCTIONS:
- Add the macadamia nuts to a high-speed blender and process until they start to turn smooth. We are making nut butter, so you’ll need to scrape down the sides of the container.
- Once the nuts are starting to turn buttery, add the vanilla bean, dates, and honey. Process until smooth.
- Add the cocoa butter. Your nut mixture is likely going to be warm at this point, which will help the cocoa butter to melt. Cocoa butter is ornery, and if it gets too warm, it will separate. If this happens, don’t worry about it. Your chocolate will still taste amazing and have a lovely nougat texture. It will just be a little waste since once separated, the cocoa butter won’t mix in with the rest of the ingredients. Yeah, it’s a mess. We’re experimenting here. Perfection isn’t the goal.
- Add cocoa powder and blend until mixed well.
- Transfer the chocolate to parchment paper or a Silpat. Shape into an inch-thick little block with your fingers or the back of a spoon or spatula. Refrigerate for an hour or until cool. Slice into bite-sized drops of deliciousness. Store in a container in the refrigerator.
- Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn, (2764)