> [SYSTEM BOOTING…]

  [Status: Deceased. Cause: Truck. Motivation: Cat. Intelligence: Debatable.]

  [Welcome to Morlune! You have been reincarnated. Whether you wanted to or not.]

  Ren Kazuki opened his eyes to the smell of dirt, grass, and poor life choices. He sat up, groaned, and immediately noticed three things:

  1. The sky was pink.

  2. The birds were singing in autotune.

  3. His clothes had been replaced by something that looked like it was stolen off a scarecrow during clearance season.

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  “Where the hell…?”

  > [Correction: You are not in Hell. You are in Morlune. Though the customer service is similar.]

  [I am your System. I live in your head now. You're welcome.]

  Ren looked around. Fantasy trees. Fantasy mountains. A fantasy bug the size of a small dog buzzing past his face.

  “Oh good,” he muttered. “I died and got sent to a bootleg fairy tale.”

  > [Incorrect. This world is top-tier. You, however, are not.]

  “Can I get a refund on reincarnation?”

  > [Only if you can find a god with a receipt. Spoiler: you won’t.]

  Suddenly, something slimy flopped onto the path ahead. A blue blob. It wobbled. It jiggled. It made a fart noise with its body.

  “…Is that supposed to be a monster?”

  > [Yes. Slime. Classic starter enemy. Danger level: low. Embarrassment potential: extremely high.]

  The slime bounced toward him like it had beef.

  > [Emergency Quest: Survive.] Reward: 1 EXP, Rotten Apple, Basic Underwear (finally). Penalty for Failure: Death. Again.

  Ren grabbed the nearest stick he could find. It broke. In half. Instantly.

  “…Okay. Round two, universe. Let’s dance.”

  ---

  Twelve Seconds Later

  Ren lay flat on his back. His stick was snapped in two. His tunic was stained with goo. And the slime? Gone. Probably off to terrorize a cabbage.

  He stared at the sky, dead inside.

  > [Congratulations! Quest complete. Somehow.]

  [You earned: 1 EXP, 1 Rotten Apple, and Underwear. Basic. Elastic questionable.]

  [New Title Unlocked: “Survivor (Barely).” Effect: +2% EXP when victory is accidental.]

  Ren sat up and groaned. “This world sucks.”

  > [Correction: You suck. The world is fine.]

  ---

  And that’s how it all began.

  No sword. No magic. No pants.

  Just Ren, a sarcastic System, and a world ready to kick his butt for laughs.

  ---