“There’s just something wrong with heterosexual relationships.” Slimy Joe said as we walked. “I mean, there’s this demonic presence that you can spot in people who are in a heterosexual relationship. This sense of intense pride as if they’ve succeeded in something few people could do.”

  “Are you coming out?” I asked because it sounded like he was coming out of the closet. I suddenly felt worried at what to do in case he was coming out. Do I congratulate him? Or do I pat his back? Patting his back felt like it’d imply something negative because of all the bareback stuff.

  We were heading over to Big Tim’s who was the only person with a DSTV where we could watch the football matches of the day like a bunch unemployed heretics would do. The sun was out and people were walking about fast as if there was a deadline for something Slimy Joe and me didn’t know of.

  “I’m not gay. But I understand the plight of the LGBTQ, they are the common hunted, those who are deemed ubnormal stand out and are purged by that demonic presence heterosexuals have.” Slimy Joe said. He always had this way of speaking like he’d been to Havard and not Kithingiri University.

  “Say isn’t that Big Tim’s girlfriend with that guy?” Slimy Joe said and pointed. I followed his index finger and indeed it was Big Tim’s girlfriend, Maria. I wondered whether we should go and greet her and suddenly found myself hoping it won’t be something we’ll have to do.

  The guy she was with looked cool. Like movie actor cool. And I thought it odd that they were holding hands being that Maria was the love of Big Tim’s life. Then something shocking happened, Maria kissed the guy. There in the middle of the streets with no shame, as if they were in New York instead of Nyandarua.

  I turned to Slimy Joe and found his mouth agape. “What the fuck?” He spoke my mind. “We should do something!”

  Do what? I wanted to ask. Go and kiss them? One thing I’ve learnt is not to interfere with the business of people who are having sex.

  “We are going to Big Tim’s to watch football.” I told Slimy Joe. “This is none of our business.”

  “But... But that Guy!”

  “Is she your girlfriend?”

  This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

  “No but Big Tim!”

  “Do you participate in sexual acts with them?” I asked Slimy Joe who just parted and closed his mouth like a fish. “This is none of our business. We stay out of it. We’re going to Big Tim’s to watch football. Not a word about this to him.” Which goes to show how activity oriented I am over snitching.

  And so we went and found Big Tim in a vibrant mood, he wore a white singlet and shorts, the games were already going on and he handed us two beers.

  “How’s the going Big Tim?” Slimy Joe asked while making himself comfortable on the couch. I chose the chair.

  “Well Slimy.” Big Tim started. “You know how you once told me that heterosexuals have demons?” I rolled my eyes. Slimy Joe nodded. “Well, I am here today, as a living testimony of the opposite of your beliefs. Heterosexual relationships are the work of angels. I consider myself blessed beyond anything.”

  “You found another girl?” Slimy Joe asked while smiling. I glared at him.

  “What do you mean another girl?” Big Tim sat on the couch beside Slimy and took a sip of his beer. “I am in love with Maria. She is the apple of my eye. The very breath of my lungs. I am in love boys goddammit! In love and proud and without a fear in the world.”

  I scoffed and earned their attention.

  “And so the doubter scoffs. The one without a beat to his heart, the one who claims to be dead inside. Incapable of feeling let alone gleaming what a wonder love is.” Big Tim started. And that’s the thing about him that I disliked. How he never stopped, how it always went on and on. He is in love! We get it! Why do you have to wrap yourself up in tinfoil and pour glitter on yourself to catch our attention. “Let me tell you something Junior. Time goes by, in future you’ll be an old pale man, wrinkled skin and brittle bones and you’ll sleep alone in a bed and wonder why you never chose the path I trod on—” God he wasn’t shutting up!

  “We saw Maria kissing some guy on our way here.” I said. Pour the gasoline then light the match. Big Tim turned to Slimy Joe who chocked on his beer as he nodded.

  “Yeah. She was really kissing him hard. Tongue and everything, like in the movies.” Slimy said.

  “Yeah…” I started. “Soooooo…” I turned to either of them smiling. “That’s that.”

  Big Tim hurled his beer at the TV. Smashing the screen that we had come all the way to watch. He started sobbing hysterically and punched Slimy Joe right in the face before flinging the TV remote at me. Slimy Joe and I ran for our lives, screaming all the while. He chased us. The bastard chased us.

  “We just delivered the news why does the bastard chase us!” I asked aloud while on full sprint.

  “He has gone mad!” Slimy Joe said.

  We ran for quite a while and every time we looked back, Big Tim was running towards us in that white singlet vest and shorts. He chased us for quite a while before he started throwing rocks. And I understood again why you should never interfere with the business of people having sex.

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