Velhari

  Mention of Suicidal Thoughts

  [colpse]

  “The situation has been handled internally.” Detective Hodgins looked up from the report Kate had handed her.

  Kate shrugged. “Yes, that is exactly what we did.”

  “How does one handle religious extremist terrorists internally?”

  “With a centuries old treaty and backed by a niche government agency with a lot of authority.”

  “The Royal Institute of Complex Affairs. Yes. I have talked to their superintendent Muller. She was as evasive and vague as your report is. What the hell did you do that you aren’t suing anyone or even letting anyone outside your little librarian support club into that office. And how is your building still standing?”

  “We have found a solution that RICA supported and cssified. As for why only the office was damaged… well, if we built shoddy buildings, the library wouldn’t predate this city, now would it?”

  “You expect me to believe that?”

  “No, but a girl can hope.”

  Hodgins chuckled. “I get it. Your entire operation is some cndestine shit and you need to keep things secret. Muller showed me some heavily redacted bits from this treaty of yours. Looks like your duty is to make my job harder and my duty is to make yours harder.”

  “So, we are at an impasse?”

  “Not at all. All I am required to do is ask questions but if you tell me that it’s cssified and can point to a thing that confirms that, there is nothing I can do and my superiors can’t either, even if it annoys them.”

  Kate nodded approvingly. “Reasonable, yes. What questions do you still need to ask?”

  “You? None. But I need to ask a few other librarians, and I think you should have the chance to prepare them for my visit.”

  “Alright. Thank you for being so cooperative.”

  “Not my first time dealing with government bullshit and cssified information. I’m just happy that you haven’t waltzed in here trying to take my paperwork with you and are actually giving me something to work with. That’s more than a lot of people do.”

  “Yea, the st thing we want is to antagonize you. I would prefer to consider you an ally if not a friend of the library.”

  “As far as I can tell, you are doing good for this city. I’m sure we’ll be happily working together one day.”

  “I’m certain we will. If you ever need our help, you know, in case you run into any religious fundamentalist cults or something, you know where to find us.”

  Hodgins ughed. “Let’s hope I only need your services for my weekly fix of raunchy romance novels, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

  A quick gnce down the romance section on the following Saturday confirmed what detective Hodgins had joked about just a few days earlier: she was indeed enjoying some raunchy romance novels and had been for years. She was a familiar face, now that she wasn’t wearing her suit, having come to visit every Saturday to enjoy some light reading.

  Kate loved seeing people come here and read. Every new face was a joy to welcome, every old one was reassuring.

  “Kate?”

  “Adelina, hey.”

  “You got a moment?”

  “Of course, what is it?”

  “We haven’t had the chance to talk after, you know, the thing.”

  “Yea…”

  “Are you doing alright?”

  Kate shook her head. “Honestly? Not really. It’s not even the attack itself or what we did afterwards. It’s what it made me think about and Lizzy managed to drive a cymore into that wound unintentionally.”

  “Do you want to talk about it? I would also love to do anything to help if there is something I can do.”

  “Not sure if you can do anything about the mortality of people I love but maybe talking helps. You know the new magical entity who comes here and just reads random fiction books?”

  “Ara, yes.”

  “The avatar of finality. I spoke to her about lots of things and she is so damn nice. I never expected her to understands, she is literally the embodiment of endings after all, but she did. I don’t know what’s worse. Thinking that she doesn’t or knowing that she does.”

  “Why?”

  “Because fearing loss is fearing what she is at her core. I can’t read her mind, but I suspect that it hurts to know that people fear the very thing you are embodying.”

  “That has to be such a lonely existence. But we are not like her and that's good for all of us, including Ara. Her existence would be misery if her mind worked like ours." Adelina sighed. "I was fifty-four when I lost my mother. My father had passed two years earlier. I looked like I do today, like I was in my early twenties. From one moment to the next, I was alone. No more family, nothing. I had no friends either, just Nirrti who came to check on me once every few months and deliver new blood. After finishing my studies at the time, I returned home to an empty building. I spent two years there contempting taking my own life. I was reliant on the generosity of some demon and had no one to live for. If you told me that I would happily embrace immortality one day, I would have called you insane. I felt as alone as you suspect Ara feels, but I don't anymore. Now, I remember my parents fondly. I cherish everything they did for me, even if they didn’t understand what happened to me. They tried their best to make my life worth living.”

  “Was it worth living?”

  “Absolutely. Even if I couldn’t go out during the day without hours of preparation, every day was worth it and still is. I try to go through every day in a way that would make them proud. I miss them both so dearly, but I will always carry their memories with me and knowing that the one watching over them now is such a wonderful being helps.”

  “Yea, it does help a lot. I just… I can’t imagine a world without my parents, without Oliver, without Euphemia or even the grumpy neighbours just down the road from my parents’ pce. I don’t think I’ll recognize this world without them.”

  “It is a different world without your family and it will never be as whole as it once was. Still, as demons our memories are clearer than most human minds could ever manage. Apollyon told me stories about the desk, about scratches on it that are older than humanity. She remembers all of them vividly and I trust that our memories will be the same. We are eternal and the part of our loved ones we carry with us is too. The sparks they light in us will burn long after the stars have stopped.”

  Kate didn’t say anything and simply hugged her friend.

  Adelina reciprocated. “Did that help a little bit?”

  “It did, at least for today.”

  “That’s all I can do. One moment is all I can offer, but if enough moments come together, maybe they will st.”

  “Yea… life isn’t a story where one sentence can drive out the negativity in your heart. But if you keep nudging, we will eventually just roll onward into a bright future on our own.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I need to go back to something you said though, something that bothers me…”

  The vampire raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

  “You said it took you hours to get ready to go outside every time. You came to uni every day, how did you manage that?”

  “With a lot of discipline. My education was always something to give me a reason to be and to go outside. My family was always rich and capable of funding my prolonged studies, they just insisted that I achieve something. Anything. That’s what made me pursue my first degree, and then routine began to set in. I couldn’t just stop doing the one thing that got me to have a life outside the confines of my home. So, I signed up for another… and another and another and now I’m here preparing to go to a different world for the next one. I just forced myself every morning.”

  “Was it worth it?”

  “Absolutely. Fuck knows that there were too many days starting with me sitting in the shower for an eternity rethinking my life, but I pressed on. Even without my massive inheritance and the money I’m getting from renting out the family castle as basically a hotel, Nirrti promised me that she would make sure I could live whatever life I wanted. It was the demons’ fault that I was suffering from vampirism she said. I never bmed her or any of the others. I bmed the guy who infected me. Oh, I also would have never met you if I didn’t force myself to go out every day, if I had just given up.”

  “I’m gd you did. Hopeful your morning routine isn’t as tedious anymore. What even made you take so long?”

  Adelina shrugged. “All the sunscreen and yers of clothing mostly. These days I take a few minutes. Eversting magic shampoo into dry hair to make everything look pretty, maybe some minor makeup if I feel like it and whatever clothes I want. I love being zy about how I dress now. I expected the opposite to be honest. Now that I have all the options in the world I prefer to just throw on a tank top and shorts.”

  “I mean, you always had to think about clothing and now you don’t. It just makes sense.”

  “I suppose it does. You know what also makes sense?”

  “No?”

  “Lunch. It’s almost two and I haven’t eaten yet.”

  “You skipped breakfast?”

  “I usually do. I’m just not a big morning person and don’t have much of an appetite right after getting up.”

  Kate chuckled. “Fair enough. Let’s get you some proper lunch then.”