CHAPTER NINETEEN: Product Pcement“Mara, Brittany, Rose, sorry for getting you up so early this morning, but it’s time for the next challenge,” Erin said, cameras rolling, which was the only reason Sam was standing behind the camera line, having stolen a muffin from the table earlier.

  Mara slumped. “Yaaaay,” she said, clearly not feeling great about being woken up at six, and being brought to the main hall to start filming at seven. Over the past week, she had gotten more tired than usual, which she didn’t know whether to attribute to the Zolodex in her system or Mérida’s Florida-like heat and humidity.

  She was still getting used to her dress, her ft shoes, and yesterday she had nicked her legs while shaving them - it was either that, or wear long socks, and Mérida just was too hot for long socks. At least they were having breakfast while they were filming.

  Brittany, in a purple maxi skirt and matching floral top, which might have looked good if the color didn’t csh with her dark brown beard, nervously asked Jaime to pass the cream cheese over to her. Jamie did so, having opted for an avocado smear on her bagel with a cup of coffee. At Sam’s suggestion, she had trimmed and painted her nails and was wearing a lovely green split-neck popover top and shin-length skirt that she, Sheri, and Sam had bought at a plus-sized women’s clothing store while setting up this next challenge.

  “Where’s everyone else?” asked Rose.

  “They’ll be joining you ter. After breakfast, we’re going to head out to Galerías Mérida, just the five of us.”

  “Just us?” asked Rose.

  “Well, the ‘reality TV’ version of just the five of us. Film crew and security too, obviously,” said Erin.

  Mara refilled her coffee, and reached for the saccharin packets. “Galerías Mérida is huge, how’d you get permission to shut the entire pce down so that we can film?” she asked.

  “We didn’t,” said Erin.

  “The mall’s open. We just put up signs at the entrance saying that we’re filming today,” said Jamie.

  It was Brittany that realized the implications first.

  “Wait. Wait wait wait. You mean, we’re going to be out there… in front of people?”

  “Yeah,” said Jamie, sipping on her coffee.

  “Mexican people?” asked Mara.

  “Why would that make a difference?” asked Rose.

  “It just does, okay?” said Mara.

  “No, I’m not letting this go,” said Rose.

  “Well, I’m a little scared… of getting kidnapped by the cartels,” said Mara.

  Rose rolled her eyes.

  “We’re going to an up-scale shopping mall, in the second safest city in North America,” said Jamie. “We’re not meeting with Tuco Samanca to move product. I think you’re going to be fine.”

  Sam called out from behind the camera line. “There’s a reason we chose Mérida. You’re probably safer here than in any city in America. Plus, we have paid for security.”

  “I try to stay away from the cities,” said Mara. “Just generally.”

  Brittany had not said a word… and had stopped eating. Erin looked over to her. “Brittany, are you okay?”

  When Brittany looked at Erin, there was genuine fear in her eyes.

  “Can I bring a change of clothes?” Brittany finally asked. “Just… just in case?”

  Everyone immediately knew that she wasn’t talking about a different skirt or blouse.

  Erin looked over to Sam, and Sam slowly gave the nod to Erin.

  “You can bring the change of clothes. Just be aware, you may fail the challenge and face additional penalties. But you can bring them.”

  There was a bit of relief on Brittany’s face then.

  ***

  The mall was yet to open for another hour, but the security guard let the cast and crew in. Brittany in particur was relieved that no one was there yet.

  “C’mon,” said Jamie. “This way. We’re going to be over by the C-A-M cosmetics store.”

  “Ah,” said Mara. “Product pcement.”

  Jamie grinned. “Yep. Gotta pay for your prize money somehow.”

  There were already marks on the floor for the contestants, for Jamie, and for Erin. There were three women already waiting for them in C-A-M branded polo shirts. A small waist-high booth was set up as well, with C-A-M cosmetics and the ‘Women Up!’ logo, along with a ftscreen monitor on wheels, also showing the show’s logo.

  “Everyone ready?” asked Jamie, and the contestants nodded. The director called to roll sound, roll tape, and started recording.

  “So, Brittany, Mara. Rose. This challenge is going to be fun. For me to watch.” Erin grinned slyly. “In a few moments, Linda, Aitana, and Elisabet here, will go ahead and show you how to do a basic skincare routine and how to do your makeup. You’re going to want to remember every step of it, because you’re going to have to do this for the next three contestants, and you need to expin what you’re doing very carefully, because they’ll have to do the makeup of the st three contestants.”

  “Oh boy,” said Mara.

  “Oh girl, you mean,” Erin teased. “And that’s not all. When you’ve had your makeup done, you’re going to work at the makeup counter. Your job will be to get as many people to sign up for the C-A-M promotional mailing list, giving out free samples to those who do. For every person who signs up, we’ll add another 100 into the pot. Of course, you’re going to be against the clock. And that’s where Jamie comes in.”

  Jamie waved on cue, and Erin continued.

  “Galerías Mérida normally takes about forty-five minutes to walk the entire length. So, your time will start when Jamie takes off from here, and ends when she comes back - when she does, Jamie will get a fifteen minute rest while you can do the makeup of your fellow contestants to set them up for their turn behind the counter, and then Jamie will take another p. Of course, it might take a bit longer than forty-five minutes for Jamie to make the rounds.”

  “Because she’s a celebrity?” asked Rose.

  “Well, yes. Apparently ‘?Ataque de Tiburón!’ was a bigger hit in Mexico than I knew. But also, because I’m going to be wearing these,” said Jamie, holding up a pair of two-piece block heel sandals.

  Rose immediately scoffed. “Ha! Good luck with that. I hated those things.”

  “Gotta learn sometime,” said Jamie.

  “I have to get back to Casa del Garden to meet up with the rest of the contestants. I’m deputizing Jamie as co-host. We’ll get you in the makeup chairs at nine, when the mall opens. Jamie also has to get her makeup done as well, but you already know our in-house makeup staff. When Jamie’s makeup is done, she’ll take off, whether or not yours is done. One st thing, you get to keep whatever products you use and bring them back to Casa del Garden.

  Jamie nodded. “It’s not hygienic to share makeup, just generally, but especially anything that touches your face directly, or touches a surface that touches your face.”

  Mara raised an eyebrow.

  “What?” Jamie expined. “I’ve worked in television for over twenty years. I know a little bit about makeup hygiene. Granted, I didn’t really cover lipstick or eyeshadow, but I’ll get there.”

  ***

  Back at Casa del Garden, the other contestants were having breakfast, when Sam came by their table.

  “Greetings, contestants. How are you feeling?”

  An army of shrugs.

  “Couldn’t help but notice that my…” Diana looked over at the GenderBuzzer?. “...girlfriend had to leave early this morning. Are they off doing another challenge?”

  “You got it, Diana,” said Sam. “And after you finish breakfast we’re all going to head to Galerías Mérida to meet them.”

  Leia looked down at what she was wearing. “Damn,” she said.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Eine.

  “Just don’t like the idea of being seen in public in women’s clothing.”

  “You’re going to have a really hard time with this show if that’s your breaking point,” Jane pointed out.

  “Hunh,” said Eine. “Interesting.”

  “What is?” asked Gucci.

  Eine shrugged. “Well, as you probably have already guessed, I’m on the autistic spectrum. Or something. Probably. Anyway, I don’t really mind the clothing so much, and I wonder if it’s because I really don’t pay as much attention to social cues and norms as I should. It’s just an interesting distinction. I’d love to talk to Sheri about this, actually, might help her with the research paper she’s writing. And there’s a plus side, it turns out that women’s clothing is softer than the typical equivalent for men.”

  “Too true,” said Diana.

  ***

  “Oh, this is not my day,” said Mara. She pointed at an item that Linda was spreading on her face. “Que?” “Que… ist das?”

  Linda spoke slowly and deliberately, looking at Mara like she was stupid. “Hidratante facial.”

  “Hidratante?”

  “Si.”

  “Hidratante.”

  “Si.”

  “Rose, what does ‘hidratante’ mean?”

  Rose rolled her eyes. “I have no idea, but that’s obviously a moisturizer.”

  “What? How do you not know Spanish?” said Mara.

  “Because I took Latin in high school, because my parents wanted me to get a good score on the SATs. Which I did. Didn’t matter, because I went to film school.”

  “Right, but you’re Hispanic.”

  “Yeah, I am. My grandparents were Mexican, my parents emigrated to the United States, but I’ve lived my entire life in L.A. This is my first time in Mexico, actually.”

  “But… wha…”

  Elisabet giggled, and continued working on Brittany, while sticking a thumb out to point at Mara.

  “La chica en el asiento de al do es tonta, ?no?" (“The girl in the seat next to me is dumb, isn't she?”)

  “Si,”(“Yes”) Brittany replied. "Es un poco tonta, sí. Sabe poco del mundo." ("She's a bit stupid, yes. She knows little about the world.")

  Rose and Mara turned their heads to Brittany.

  “You speak Spanish?”

  “Poco Espa?ol.” (“Little Spanish”) Brittany said. “Muy poco. (Very Little) I work construction in SoCal. You pick stuff up.”

  Elisabet smiled. “Tu barba es muy suave y esponjosa,” (“Your beard is very soft and fluffy.”) she said, stroking Brittany's beard.

  “Ooh! Suave! I know that one,” said Rose.

  “Everyone knows that one,” said Mara. “It means cool.”

  “It means soft,” said Rose. “God, how can you be so ignorant and so confident at the same time? Pisses me off.”

  "?También huele bien!” (“It smells good, too!”) said Elisabet.

  “Gracias,” (“Thank you.”) Brittany replied, and then thought. "Espera, ?esto es… es…?" (“Wait, is this…is…?")

  “?Coqueteo?” (“Flirting?”) said Elisabet, who batted her eyes.

  Mara and Rose couldn’t turn away from Elisabet, who turned flirting into a universal nguage.

  Brittany frowned and blushed.

  “Lo siento. Soy gay.” (“I’m sorry. I’m gay.”)

  Elisabet sighed, frowned and continued to work on Brittany.

  “Oh crap!” said Mara. “I got distracted by the telenove happening with Brittany. What was that st thing that just got put on my face?”

  With horror, Rose realized she didn’t know either.

  ***

  Erin stood in front of the remaining six contestants back at Casa Del Garden, in front of a screen which was showing a live feed of Mara, Rose, and Brittany getting makeovers, but without the audio.

  She addressed the contestants: “Jane, Eine, Victoria? When Jamie completes her first walk around the Galería, that’s when your clock will start. Jamie will take a fifteen minute break, and Mara, Rose, and Brittany will do your makeup. You’re going to want to pay attention. After that, it’ll be your turn to get people to sign up for free samples. Finally, Gucci, Leia, Diana, it’ll be your turn. Jane, Eine, and Victoria will do your makeup, and you’ll have one more Jamie-walk’s worth of time to get more signups. Each signup adds another 100 to the pot.”

  “Oh, it’s like a game of telephone, but with makeup,” said Gucci. “And if we’re not good at doing each other’s makeup, no one is going to want samples from us. Erin, you devious minx, you’ve pced us into yet another one of your sinister mind games!”

  “It’ll be fine, I can do my own makeup,” said Diana. “In fact, I’ve already done mine.”

  “Yeah, Diana, nice try,” said Erin. “But this game doesn’t work that way. You’ll have to trust your teammates.”

  Diana looked over to Jane, Eine, and Victoria, sizing up their makeup abilities.

  “Oh no,” she said.

  ***

  By this time, Jamie was out of her makeup chair and walking, very slowly, in the heels provided, across the mall. Sam was accompanying her, though staying out of the camera line-of-sight.

  “How are you holding up, Jamie? How do the shoes feel? Uh, you should also treat this like a confessional, but I’m also genuinely concerned,” said Sam.

  “It’s weird to walk in these - all my body weight is on the balls of my feet, and I can’t take long strides. Yeah, this isn’t fun. How many times did I agree to walk around the mall again?”

  “Three times.”

  “I agreed to walk around the mall three times in these? No, that can’t be right.”

  Already, there were some awkward stares from passers-by, but if it was because Jamie was an obviously non-passing trans woman, a celebrity, or was being followed around by a TV cameraman and a boom operator, who was to tell?

  “Well, I’m not going to carry you,” said Sam, “so if you feel you need to take a break, take a break.”

  “I mean, I might take a break. Especially if I see something nice. Dammit, I wish I brought my wallet with me, but this dress doesn’t have any pockets in it. How the hell do women make do without any pockets?”

  “You’re kidding, right?” said Sam.

  “No. Do you just carry everything in your hands all the time, or…”

  “Jamie!” said Sam, ughing. “Just… just look to your left.”

  To Jamie’s left was an accessories store with handbags and purses in the window.

  “Oh. That one’s cute. Do we have time to stop in and get one?”

  Sam grinned evilly. “It begins…”

  ***

  Over at the makeup counter, Brittany, with impeccable makeup and suave beard was cleaning up. It had been less than ten minutes, and already she had gotten four signups, while Rose had one, and Mara had a big ol’ goose egg.

  “How the hell does she do it?” asked Mara.

  “Isn’t it obvious, Mara? She’s a hunk.”

  “And what am I, chopped liver?”

  Rose nearly doubled over ughing. “Oh dear god, wow. Oh. Okay. Wow.”

  “Okay. Screw this,” said Mara, and took out her Garden Telpha, then stepped out from behind the counter.

  “EVE, py some salsa music,” ordered Mara.

  EVE then proceeded to comply with the request, as its massive electronic processing had determined it best proceed, and then sang a nursery rhyme it made up about salsa.

  “~Four medium ripe tomatoes, diced! ~ One small onion finely chopped. ~One to two jape?o peppers. ~Seeded and finely chopped.”

  “EVE, no, I…”

  “~A quarter cup fresh cintro. ~The juice from one lime. ~One to two cloves of minced garlic. ~That st. ~Bit is optional.”

  Mara reached over to the phone and silenced it, then manually selected some salsa music from GardenMusic, and began to dance, aggressively.

  Not well. But certainly aggressively.

  “It’s like she’s having a Racist Disney Princess moment,” said Rose. “This is a nightmare.”

  ***(In post-production, a keen editor, on the advice of one Mr. Roen, would seamlessly edit out the word “Disney.”)

  ***

  Production Van #2, carrying Eine, Victoria, Jane, Sheri, a camera operator and a sound engineer, were heading towards the Galería, with Sheri in the passenger seat, and the sound engineer driving.

  “How’s your paper going, Sheri?” asked Eine.

  “Well, it’s been a week,” said Sheri, “so basically, all I have is a cover page.”

  “Ah.”

  Silence in the van.

  “I’m sorry about your friend,” said Eine.

  Sheri was confused. “Sorry, which friend?”

  “Oh, sorry. I uh, you can’t see me back here, but I switched conversational targets. I should have crified. I was talking to Victoria.”

  Victoria, who wasn’t paying attention, suddenly perked up now. “Sorry, what now?”

  “Sorry, I… right. Victoria, I’m sorry. Leia told me that you lost someone close to you. I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry about that.”

  “Oh,” said Victoria. “Right. Thank you.”

  “You lost a friend?” asked Jane.

  “Best friend. A couple of years ago. Motorcycle accident,” Victoria answered curtly, choosing to observe Merida as it passed by the van’s window.

  “Jeez, that sucks,” said Jane.

  “Indeed. You know, if you ever want to talk about it, I’d be happy to,” offered Sheri.

  Victoria thought about it.

  “Maybe. I’ve been thinking about Jack a lot tely. I mean, since I got here, you know? Don’t know why.”

  “Well, cause you’re kinda doing this alone, right?” said Jane. “Sheri, forgive me if what I say sounds psychologically stupid, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that of the nine of us, six of us came to the thing as pairs. What we’re doing, it takes balls.”

  “Not until month nine,” said Eine.

  “Cute,” said Jane. “What I mean to say is that what we’re doing takes mental fortitude. And it’s a lot easier to have that when you know someone’s got your back, you know? Sheri, what do they call it?”

  “Support networks,” Sheri said. “And yes, that is an interesting observation.”

  “But you’re kinda doing this alone, right? Gotta be at least a little bit tougher to do it alone, so of course you’re thinking about your friend. You know, it was really tough for Gucci until we met in high school. Of course, she was really weird back then.”

  “She’s not really weird now?” said Victoria.

  “Yeah, but she’s… she used to be weirder. Like, the first time I met her in high school, she was trying to expin to everyone how she was a prophet.”

  “A what?” said Eine.

  “A prophet. She had a vision when she was five years old, ciming that God came down to talk to her personally. It was very important to her that Gucci spread his word, because people were making a huge mistake and it was really important to God that Gucci correct that mistake. So for the next ten years, she would tell anyone that listened that it was pronounced ‘Jod’. With a soft ‘g’.”

  “Sweet Geesus,” said Eine. “Still, at least nobody got killed over it. So, actually, that’s like, on the ninety-fifth percentile on the sliding scale of religions?”

  Victoria nodded and pointed to Eine in agreement.

  “Well, I mean, part of why we started hanging out was that Gucci was just so damn interesting,” said Jane. “Like, never a dull moment with her. My parents didn’t approve, at first, until they saw Gucci helping me out with math homework, and knew she had a kind heart underneath all the good-crazy.”

  Victoria nodded. “I see. It’s good to have friends. And family. Must be nice.” She then returned to staring out the window.

  And Sheri made a mental note to talk to Victoria one-on-one as soon as possible.

  “My family doesn't know I’m here,” said Eine. “Mom and Dad would never approve of me doing this experiment. And my sister would just be a big… she wouldn’t be kind about any of it.”

  And Sheri made a mental note to talk to Eine, one-on-one, as soon as possible, too.

  “Yeah,” said Jane. “There’s some things that you can’t really share with your friends, or your family. Things you know aren’t really harming anyone, but which you know they wouldn’t understand.”

  Sheri realized that she was going to be very busy in the upcoming days, and figured she should stop making mental notes and start writing the notes down.

  ***

  Mara was quickly making a spectacle of herself, and in fact, a small crowd had gathered to watch the gringo dance like Napoleon Dynamite’s even whiter sister.

  But that was, astoundingly, working, as Rose took the opportunity to start going around and getting sign-ups among the patrons.

  “Mara!” called Rose. “Do you think you can humiliate yourself for another ten minutes, or do you need to take a break?”

  “Oh, I’m fine for now. Little tired, but I can go another ten minutes. You know, I think I’m starting to see why Diana enjoys this.”

  MARA: I looked ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. Why not go three for three and be ridiculous? Honestly, the more I turned it into a performance, the less worried I felt about how I looked. It took a lot out of me, though. “Better you than me, pal,” said Rose. She was already getting uncomfortable, as not all of the attention that the group had gathered had been from women who (at least from their perspective) were interested in the crossdressing hunk and dancing fool. She was already starting to notice the male gaze from people in the crowd, and so tried to stick to doing the scut work of signing people up and handing out samples.

  ROSE: Those guys out in the mall, I really didn’t like them looking at me at all. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I like when a guy is looking at me, but it’s so different when they look at me as a man. When a gay guy is attracted to my masculine qualities, rather than my feminine ones, I feel… more like an equal? A partner in that exchange. But when men look at me like a woman? It doesn’t feel like an equal partnership at all. It’s invasive. Predatory. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like looking at hot men myself, but it’s not a predatory thing. Eine, Victoria, and Jane started heading up from the entryway to the C-A-M store with their respective crew.

  “Whoa,” said Jane. “They’ve got quite a crowd built up.”

  “Wait,” said Victoria. “Is that Mara?”

  Mara spotted them from her dancing, and waved.

  “Rose, Brittany, our relief is here. How are we going to organize this?”

  Rose looked to her left, to see Jamie coming up the Galería walkway, now carrying a handbag (with some gaffer tape stuck over the logo), some cool sungsses, a great neckce, a bracelet to match it, and a shawl.

  ROSE: I can’t believe it. Jamie stopped to shop.“Hey Brittany,” said Victoria. “Looks like you’re doing a great job.”

  Brittany looked over at Victoria with worried, lost eyes.

  “Vicky, I’m barely holding it together. I feel ridiculous out here.”

  Victoria looked over to Mara’s… it would be too generous to call it dancing.

  “How soon can you tag in?” Brittany asked.

  “As soon as I cross that line on the ground there,” said Jamie, now within earshot. "Then I get a fifteen minute break and you get to swap out.”

  “Thank Christ,” said Brittany. “Mara, Rose, can you take Jane and Eine?”

  “I think so,” said Rose. “Just let me get these st few signups!”

  Jamie crossed the line, and immediately took a seat. The nearby video screen started counting down fifteen minutes.

  “Christ, that was tougher than I thought it would be,” said Jamie.

  “Only two more ps to go, Jamie,” said Sam.

  “Sam, if I come up with a stupid idea like this again, you have to talk me out of it.”

  Sam grinned, ruffling Jamie’s hair.

  “Yes, because we all know that you would absolutely do the same for me, if I came up with a stupid idea. You would absolutely, positively talk me out of it. You wouldn’t encourage me to pursue it, far beyond the point of practicality or reason. To actually get me to do market research and pitch the idea and rent a soundstage and hire staff and to start an LLC production company around the stupid idea. You’d stop me before my stupid idea got us so committed that we ended up having to spend a year in Mexico seeing the stupid idea come to fruition. You would absolutely talk me out of something like that.”

  “I’m detecting a hint of sarcasm,” said Jamie.

  Meanwhile, Brittany was already leading Victoria to the makeup chair, and started what she could remember of the routine.

  “Hold it,” said Victoria. “I’m pretty sure it’s cleanser first, then moisturizer.”

  Brittany looked down at her shaking hands, which held the moisturizer.

  “Right. God, I don’t know what I was thinking.

  BRITTANY: At this point, I’m barely keeping it together. I’m just so nervous, and the adrenaline was starting to leave me. I’m like, get me out of here. And then Victoria, of all people, starts talking me down from there. “Hey, hey, buddy. Rex. Take a deep breath. Okay. Now just go slow, forget the clock. Pretend it’s a role you’re pying. That none of this is real, that you’re just an actor on a stage. That helps me sometimes,” said Victoria.

  Brittany closed her eyes, nodding, breathing in and out.

  “Let’s take it from the top,” said Victoria. “Pretty sure you start with a facial cleanser. Let’s do that.”

  And step by step, Brittany started doing Victoria’s makeup.

  Over at the other chair, Rose started applying makeup to Eine.

  “Alright, Eine, I’m sorry, I didn’t get all the instructions, but I’m going to try my best,” said Rose, starting in on the cleanser.

  “Okie dokie!” said Eine, smiling.

  Rose furrowed her brow. “Did you just say ‘Okie Dokie?’”

  “I did.” Eine paused. “Should I have gone with, ‘You the boss, hoss?’”

  “That’s not better,” Rose said. She tried to concentrate on her work with Eine’s face, but she kept looking over to Brittany, who was really having a rough time of it.

  “You’re looking over at Brittany a lot, Rose. Are you concerned about her?” asked Eine.

  “Yeah, I think the dysphoria has started to hit her. Hard. I’m feeling it a little myself, but I’m more used to it.”

  “Gucci has a theory that she may be a bit co-dependent on Diana. I forget the exact words, something like Brittany is a chicken, and Diana’s got her by the pecker?”

  Rose paused, entirely unsure if that’s merely Eine’s interpretation of whatever Gucci said, or if Gucci actually said that and it was reyed accurately. Either one of those was equally probable.

  “So, when you’re done doing my makeup, I think you can help her.”

  “Really?” said Rose. “How?”

  “First, you need to get her to y down so that her head is touching the ground…”

  Meanwhile, at the final chair, Mara was working on Jane.

  “Hold still.”

  “Wait, Mara, aren’t you supposed to be teaching me how to do this for the next group?”

  “I’ll be honest, I kind of lost track trying to remember everything, I’m pretty much pying this by ear.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t even know what’s in these tubes and tubs and things, all the instructions are written in Spanish.”

  “Then why not transte them?”

  “Transte them?”

  “Our phones. Garden Transte.”

  Mara spped her forehead. “Of course! Garden Transte!” She took out her phone and took a picture of the bel on one of the bottles.

  “Enter Glow Serum. Foundations that combine our expertise in skin pigs. Provides +209% more water babies for skin that slides down.”

  As Mara read the transtion aloud, Jane had to ugh. “Alright then, let’s sp on some water babies, skin pig!”

  MARA: I swear to god, if people start calling me ‘water baby skin pig’ when I get back home, I will sue this production into oblivion.***

  Eventually, Jamie took off on her second p, and Eine, Jane, and Victoria started their rounds as makeup sample saleswomen. It wasn’t going quite as well as before.

  “Hmm. We need a gimmick. Like Mara had,” said Jane.

  They thought for a few moments.

  “I need a human skull,” said Victoria, after a few minutes.

  Eine and Jane turned to her very slowly, as one would if the person next to you suddenly decred her desire for a human skull.

  “I could do my Hamlet,” she expined.

  “Unless you can do ‘Hamlet’ in Spanish,” said Jane, “I don’t think that’s going to work.”

  “Don Quixote?” said Eine. “Cervantes is basically the Spanish-nguage Shakespeare.”

  Victoria got a funny look on her face, then looked over to Mara, who was chilling and rexing nearby.

  “Mara?”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you busy?”

  “Uh, no. What’s up?”

  “You see that shop over there, the one that looks like a toy store?” Victoria pointed to a store one level down with logos for Hasbro and Mattel on the side.

  Mara peered over the side to where Victoria was pointing.

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you go down there and see if you can find a fake goatee? Doesn’t have to be good.”

  “Okay? But I don’t have any money on me.”

  “Neither do I, but…”

  Eine walked over, and silently pced 300 pesos in Mara’s hand.

  Vic and Mara looked at Eine.

  “Eine, where were you keeping that?”

  “In my training bra. I thought if we were going to the mall, I might get a cinnamon roll while I’m here. I’ve been craving cinnamon rolls ever since Leia decided to go as Leia.”

  A pause.

  “Because of the hair. In Star Wars. Princess Leia’s hair was…”

  “Ah, yes, I get it,” said Mara. “Right, I’ll be back as soon as I can,” and she took off, with a camera operator following her.

  It was only after Mara got halfway to the toy store that she realized she had no idea what Victoria wanted with the goatee.

  ***

  Brittany was sitting on a folding chair in the far corner of the C-A-M store, and had already pulled out the hoodie and sweatpants she brought from home, putting it straight on over her dress. It would incur a twenty dolr penalty, but right at that moment, Brittany considered it money well spent. He batted at her face with a makeup remover wipe, trying to get every st bit of makeup out of her face and beard.

  Rose came over to her, leaning up against the wall.

  “Hey,” she said.

  Brittany looked up at her. “Hey.”

  “Figured I’d come over. I’ve been where you are.”

  “You have?”

  “Yeah. You should talk to Sheri about it, but what you are experiencing right now? Cssic gender dysphoria. I’m sorry Brittany. But… and I’m well aware that the GenderBuzzer is listening, so I’m asking for special dispensation here, you’re a guy.”

  “I mean, I should be fine with this. I should. Je– Diana does this all the time. It’s just clothing.”

  “It’s the wrong clothing. Well, the wrong clothing for you.”

  “How do you deal with it?”

  “I don’t. Back at home, I wear a binder, I take testosterone so that my hormones are right. I do what I know I have to, not what society says I should.”

  Rose pulled up another folding chair and sat down backwards on it, leaning on the backrest.

  “This is going to sound a little weird, but maybe it’ll help. Can you get down on the floor, and pce your head on the carpet?”

  “What?”

  “It’s something Eine said that Gucci said that… you know what it’d be easier to do, than to expin it.”

  Brittany looked at Rose, quizzically, and did that. Rose kneeled down and started tracing her finger around Brittany’s head, making calming noises.

  “Shh-shh-shh.”

  Surprisingly, it was working. Maybe it was that Rose’s arm brushed against Brittany’s hair and face as she traced her finger. Maybe it was just the absurdity of the situation. But Brittany did start to feel calmer.

  “Feel better?” asked Rose.

  “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a hell of a trick.”

  ROSE: Well I’ll be damned. “I think if you’re having this much trouble, this early? Probably should consider calling it quits.”

  “I’d love to. But what about Diana?”

  Rose sighed. “It’s clear you care about her. But… and maybe I’m just saying this because I am incredibly envious of her, I don’t get the impression that Diana cares about you very much.”

  “She does. She’s the only person who ever… she…”

  “Oh, Brit.” Rose pulled Brittany into a shoulder hug, and just let him stay there. “You absolutely need to talk to Sheri. This is beyond my pay grade. But as for the contest? It’s only going to get worse, you know. For both of us. And I hate to see you in pain like this. You’re a good person. Maybe a little co-dependent on the World’s Most Annoying Twink, but…”

  “Co-dependent?”

  “I see your face when Diana misgenders me, but you don’t say anything because you’re afraid of losing her.”

  Brittany nodded. “I know someday he’s going to leave. I know. Everyone… I mean, when they get to know me… I mean, what the hell do I have to bring to the table in a retionship?”

  “Kindness, empathy, humor - don’t forget the humor - you’ve got a hell of a beard and you’re built like Conan. What more could a gay boy want?” said Rose, smiling warmly.

  ***

  “~To Dream. The Impossible Dream.”

  “~To Fight. The Unbeatable Foe!”

  “~To Bear. The Unbearable Sorrow!”

  “~And to run, where the brave dare not go!”

  JANE: “Wow. Okay, I have to admit, Victoria’s got some pipes on her.”The karaoke version of “The Impossible Dream” from “Man of La Mancha” pyed from phone speakers. Victoria, cd in a ridiculous kid’s fake goatee, had, in fact, managed to gather a decent sized crowd around the C-A-M booth. Maybe the majority of them didn’t speak English, but they were certainly familiar with the story and the song.

  “~To reach the unreachable.”

  “~The unreachable.”

  “~The unreachable star!”

  “~And I’ll always dream the impossible dream!”

  “~Yes, and I’ll reach the unreachable… star!”

  The crowd actually appuded and wolf whistled at the end of the performance. So did Jane and Eine. And some of the crew.

  VICTORIA: Honestly, I don’t know how I did that. I was just thinking, you know, about doing this performance, and how I’m hoping to be famous and all that and I was just like, it’s a quest. Like - I don’t know. Like I felt like I lost something and that I know I’m never going to get it back, but I’m searching for it anyway, because that’s the right thing to do, and I’m like, oh, crap, this is how Don Quixote felt at that moment in the py. Jane came up to Victoria and shook her hand.

  “Victoria, that was amazing! Where the hell did that come from?”

  Victoria shrugged. “Well, can’t go wrong with the cssics.”

  ***

  By the time Jamie completed the second p, Gucci, Leia, and Diana had arrived, and as Jamie was taking her second fifteen minute break, Victoria worked on Diana, Jane worked on Gucci, and Eine worked on Leia.

  Eine turned out to be surprisingly good at doing Leia’s makeup. She even did a little bit of very light contouring.

  “Eine, how the hell did you get so good at this?”

  “Oh, Rose told me that she couldn’t remember all the things she was taught, so I just decided to watch some online makeup tutorials on double speed when we didn’t have any customers.”

  Diana was not having as much success with Victoria. Mostly because Diana was being fussy.

  “You’re doing it wrong, Victoria.”

  “I’m doing it the way that I was shown to do it,” sighed Victoria in response.

  “I’ve been doing my own makeup since I was a teenager. Just give me the gear.”

  “That’s not the challenge. I don’t want to get disqualified, you don’t want to get disqualified, we do the challenge according to the instructions.”

  Over in the corner, Brittany was still sitting over in the corner, still upset, still being comforted by Rose.

  And he noticed something.

  Diana didn’t care.

  She was having a real, honest to god, hard time, and Diana just didn’t care. Diana wasn’t rushing over to comfort her - or even ask her what happened. Diana was just compining about how she wasn’t getting what she wanted, right at that moment.

  She looked down at what she was wearing under the hoodie. At the ridiculousness of it. At the wrongness of it. And why?

  “Rose. I’m so sorry. I’ve been an idiot.”

  Brittany got up, and headed over to Sheri.

  “Brit. What’s up? I see you’ve put your old clothes on, is everything alright?” Sheri asked, knowing damn well that the answer would be ‘no.’

  “I know you’re busy, but I’d like to take you up on the offer to talk one-on-one? Privately? Away from the cameras?”

  “We can do that, of course. Do you want us to find a pce here, or can you wait until we get back to the Casa?”

  “Let’s wait. I’ll be fine for now.” He motioned to his hoodie and sweatpants. “Twenty dolrs well spent.”

  Sheri smiled at him.

  “Bradley,” she said, “you’re a good man. We’ll talk ter.”

  ***

  The third shift of contestants relied on the same strategy, mostly relying on Diana’s busking talents to attract the crowd, while Gucci and Leia went around getting signatures and handing out the samples.

  Finally, Jamie crossed the finish line for the third time, and the challenge was over, as the middle-aged trans woman could not wait to take those heels off, and get off of her feet.

  “I am going to be sore for days,” she said.

  Sam spent the next few minutes rounding up the contestants for the end of challenge review, and then finally, the remaining contestants stood together, taller girls at the back, as Erin stood in front of the portable dispy monitor, and the cameras rolled.

  “Okay. So, before we start tallying up the results, what did you all think of your first time out in public as women? Or, in the case of Rose, your first time out in public as a woman since coming here?”

  Bradley raised his hand.

  “I hated it. Just… awful. Everyone looking at me, knowing I look ridiculous, that I, like, was a freakshow. It felt really weird to have makeup. I’ve been wearing dresses and things at the Casa, and that was… okay, but being out, seen by people? Seen by strangers? It’s torture.”

  Erin nodded. “I noticed that you’re wearing a hoodie and sweatpants over your dress, Brittany.”

  “Yeah, well. It was the only way I could feel normal again.”

  Erin then turned to the rest of the contestants. “Anyone else feel like Brittany?”

  Rose, Leia, and Jane raised their hands. Erin nodded to Leia first.

  “Obviously, I’m not as affected by it as Brit is, but yeah, if I had to do this day after day? I don’t know. Maybe it’s one of those things that gets worse over time. Maybe it’s one of those things that you get used to. But yeah, if I had been given the option to do this challenge in guy clothes, I would have taken it.”

  “Interesting,” said Erin. “Jane, you?”

  “I’m somewhere in-between Brit and Leia. Like, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. But I’m not, you know, breaking down over it.”

  Erin nodded. “And Rose. I’m really interested in your perspective.”

  “This is… I’ve done this. I hated it before, and I hate it now, and I’m going to hate it in the future. I think the worst part for me was that I felt… like, people staring at me. Like… in a bad way.”

  Erin nodded. “I noticed that three of you relished the attention. Victoria, we’ll start with you.”

  “Thanks. Well, I… I don’t know. Can I take a moment to try to put this into words?”

  “Sure.”

  Victoria went deep into thought, and came out the other side with something approaching an epiphany. “I think my worst feelings all got sublimated once I was able to lose myself in the role, you know? Like, me being… can I ask G.B. for an allowance here?”

  “G.B.?”

  “GenderBuzzer.”

  “I think we can allow one.”

  “Right, so, Victor was my identity. As part of this game, Victoria is my identity now, and it’s a new one, but it’s still an identity, and one that chafes. Especially around the bra straps, I think we might need to get those adjusted.”

  “Vicky,” chided Erin. “The point?”

  “Oh, right. So - when I put the goatee on and started performing as Don Quixote, I felt more comfortable because for that moment, I didn’t have any identity. I wasn’t Victor. I wasn’t Victoria. And I was Don Quixote, but he’s not an identity, he’s just a character.”

  Mara nodded, snapped her fingers, and pointed to Victoria. “That, exactly that! I don’t know if I could put it in words as well, but when I was dancing, I basically thought, it’s the difference between ‘I look ridiculous’ and ‘I look ridiculous on purpose!’”

  Leia thought for a moment. “You know, I don’t know much about trans people, but I would imagine if you feel off in your own skin, a lot of people might develop characters or retreat into fantasy worlds in an effort to, well, obliterate their sense of self. Like, dissociating, but on purpose?”

  “That’s an interesting observation, Leia,” said Erin.

  “What, are you kidding me?” said Diana, a little disgusted. “It’s… it’s just performance. That’s all this is. Gender’s just performance. Reality check: What turned out to be revetory life experiences for Tammy Wiseau and Lindsay Graham over here? That’s what I do on a Tuesday.”

  “You really don’t think it’s a big deal?” said Erin.

  “Of course not. Look at Jamie.”

  Jamie, who at this point had been sitting down, out of frame, got up, and headed over to the group.

  “What do you mean, ‘look at Jamie’?” Jamie said.

  JAMIE: In show business, this is what we call giving someone ‘just enough rope.’“Well, this!” said Diana, gesturing. “You’re putting on a performance. Putting on a show! Same as me, same as Erin, same as any performer. It’s all an act. Victoria gets it, right Vic?”

  “Please don’t involve me in this,” said Victoria, ftly, to Diana.

  “That’s it, isn’t it?” said a voice behind Diana. “That’s all it’s ever been to you. An act.”

  Diana turned around to take a look at Brit– Bradley’s face. Bradley was pissed.

  VICTORIA: “Look, there’s a part of me that knows that this is a perfect storm of Reality TV Css-A drama. And I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t still relish it a little bit. But the taste of it is just a little bitter in my mouth right now, and I’m not sure I can put into words quite why.”“You acted like my friend. You acted like you cared about me. But you don’t, do you?” said Bradley. “You just acted like you did.”

  “No… no, of course not baby! How could you think that?” said Diana. But Bradley wasn’t buying it.

  “Erin, can we move onto the pot, I just want to get back to Casa Del Garden right now.”

  “Alright, Brit,” Erin said, picking up on the more masculine sounding nickname for Brittany that the contestants had started using. “The pot started at 37,980. Team one, Brittany, Mara, and Rose, got 81 signups. Team two, Victoria, Eine, and Jane, got 77 signups. Team three, Gucci, Leia, and Diana, got 78 signups, for a total of 236 sign-ups. At 100 a signup, that adds 23,600 to the pot, for a total of 61,580, and a cash-out amount of 3,421.”

  Bradley made a little ‘T’ with his hands. “Time out?”

  “Er, okay?” said Erin.

  “One sec, I’ll be right back.” said Bradley, then headed off, heading over to Sheri, who was waiting in the wings, and whispered something to her. Sheri pced a hand on Bradley’s shoulder and nodded back to him. Bradley then headed back to his mark.

  “Sorry about that,” said Bradley. “Erin, you were saying?”

  “Er… yes.” Erin looked over to Sam “Where do you want me to start from?”

  “Take it from the total?” asked Sam. “I think we got it on the first take, but let’s do a safety.”

  Erin nodded, and waited for Sam’s cue, before resuming the summary. “That’s a total of 61,580. If you cash out now, that amount would be 3,421.”

  “So…” said Erin. “Is there anyone that would…”

  Bradley immediately raised his hand.

  ***

  ContestantStatusWinningsPenaltiesCash-outTotalPyers Remaining: 8Diana (Jett)Active100-5 95Prize Pot: 58,159Eine (Ethan)Active500 50Cash-Out: 3,421Jane (Jacob)Active2000 200 Judi "Gucci" (Jude "Gooch")Active2000 200 Leia (Leonard)Active500 50 Mara (Oscar)Active250-5 245 Rose (Rafael)Active300-25 275 Victoria (Victor)Active250-105 145  BradleyCashed Out: Month 1100-203,4213,501