DetectiveRed

  "I missed you, too,” Kay says.

  My heart skips a beat. Finally, after five years of acting like we weren't close, she actually acknowledges it. I don't know if it's an effect of this body, but I want to pick her up and squeeze her. She’s given me permission to see her as a girl when she asked to be called Kay and I’m not going to object or question it. It’s easier if we just have a good night.

  The waitress takes our order and not much is said between us. It’s not a silence I really want to fill. She’s staring at the empty table and occasionally gncing up at me, so she’s probably thinking about me more. Which should not make me feel things. I’m gd she’s not running away or forcing me to come up with excuses for us staying together, at least.

  "I can't tell you what's wrong with me." She’s avoiding looking at me. Is it guilt or embarrassment? Maybe she’s feeling simir right now and her heart has been pounding too.

  "Why not?"

  "Because I'm still figuring it out."

  "I'm happy to hear anything you've got already."

  "I'm not sure it would be good for either of us if I told you. If we both end up at Lakeside, I'll tell you then."

  The idea of being protected from information has annoyed me in just about everything I have ever read, and I’m starting to realise why. It’s almost never for the benefit of the person they are trying to protect. It’s a way for them to avoid having a hard conversation and feel justified for avoiding it. At this point, though, I’m just gd that she’s acknowledging that she’s not alright. Lakeside is as good as any other school for me, and I can probably bump my grades up to get in.

  "It's a deal. Will you be okay until then?”

  "I’ll make it,” she says.

  “Do you still want me to leave you alone?” I don’t want to let her go again. Especially not after discovering this side of her. She’s like a new person and that person is someone I want to know. “I don’t want to, but I did make that promise earlier to stay out of your way. I’ll honour it.”

  She’s thinking again. That face has meant mostly good things, but my heart is smming against my ribs regardless.

  “I can’t be around you at school.” She continues thinking. She still doesn’t trust me. It makes sense, trust isn’t rebuilt in a day. It still hurts. “But this was nice. I’d like to do it again.” She’s shuffling in her seat.

  “How does next Saturday sound?”

  “It sounds great,” she squeaks.

  What is she making me feel? That's my body sitting in front of me and yet my brain is frying. The moments where Kay breaks through this shell she’s built are vaporising my ability to remember that she is Percy and that’s my body. Is there something in this current body that’s making me feel like this? Am I a narcissist?

  “Perfect, what would you want to do?”

  "Whatever you want to. Only condition is that we pretend to be a normal guy and a normal girl." It's her, it's got to be her. How does she go from frustratingly dense and rude to almost sweet. Which is the real her? Will she still shine when she’s back in her body?

  "Look, I'd be fine if we pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend," I joke. It’s mostly a joke. It did feel nice to be mistaken for her boyfriend today and it feels like a date, but this might be too far. I'm an idiot. This is just flirting at this point. I'm not even good at it.

  "Okay," she says with a smile. “Does that make this a pretend date?”

  "Are you serious?"

  “No. Were you?” She’s smiling like she’s got me in some kind of trap. I didn’t mean to sound excited.

  “Shut up.”

  “Make me.”

  She pokes her tongue out at me and for a second I know what she’s making me feel. I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her so her mouth is preoccupied with something else. I want to kiss her because she looks cute when she acts like this. I want to kiss her because I’m starting to like this new Percy. Her hand is on the table and I just want to grab it and hold it. I want to just lean across the table, kiss her and never stop. I can’t concentrate properly.

  “Are you okay?” she asks. I must have been quiet for too long. She seems so genuinely worried about me and it makes it even harder to keep my brain on track.

  My heart keeps banging against my rib cage like it wants to get out. The rest of me is starting to react, but it feels very different.

  “Max?” she asks sweetly. “What’s wrong?”

  She reaches for my hand, and a wave of nausea washes over me as we swap pces. Fuck. I panicked, and now she’s going to know. And worse, she’s going to hate me. I panicked and we swapped. I need to calm down.

  “My heart’s pounding. Max? What happened?” I look up at her. That feels wrong. She should be shorter than me. My body feels heavy. Can I tell her that I was panicking? Or why? I shouldn’t. I should take it to the grave.

  “I’m fine, Kay.” I shouldn’t call her that. Or him. A small smile creeps onto her face. Maybe it is Kay. This shouldn’t be confusing. I made this so much more confusing than it needed to be.

  “Oh,” His face turns red. “Oh. God, I am so sorry.” She realises. God, this is ridiculous. Why is she apologising?

  “It’s not your fault, Percy. It’s mine.” The panic and feelings he is failing to hide are masked almost immediately as I say his name. I should probably treat him as a guy when he’s back in his body. Even if it is the same person on the inside, he probably doesn’t like being treated like a girl. Why would you want to be treated like a girl? I shouldn’t be worrying about this now. I should be worrying about him.

  I regret the clothes I picked out for Kay. This dress, with only underwear underneath, is a problem. This tiny body of mine is a problem. Percy towers over me like this, even as he’s thumping his feet against the ground and slouching to make himself as small as he can. I didn’t think any of this through in the moment because we were having fun, and avoiding going home, but now it’s a real problem. How am I going to make it home like this? How am I going to rex like this? I can see my bare legs under the table. I feel so naked. How did she put up with it? This isn't right.

  “We should go.” Percy says what I’m thinking.

  “We can’t, we’ve already ordered food,” I argue. I want to leave as well, but I’m not ready to let her go.

  “I’m not hungry,” he lies.

  “I know that’s not true.” I didn't eat much at lunch. She's probably starving.

  “You're not feeling well either.”

  “Well, what do we do?”

  “We leave and apologise on the way out.” His voice is really quiet. I want to agree. I didn’t mean to swap back. That wrong feeling is back with a vengeance and the nausea is barely subsiding.

  “You need to eat, though,” I argue.

  “I can skip a meal.”

  “Percy…”

  “We need to go,” he says more forcefully. The girl I was talking to has disappeared.

  “I don’t think I could walk to the car right now. How long has my body been like this?”

  “I felt fine.”

  “You mean you didn’t feel like the world was spinning?”

  “No, I didn’t,” he growls. What is happening with him? He went from accepting that I care about him to square one. Again.

  “Well, whatever it is, I can’t walk. How about you?”

  “I’m fine.” I don’t believe him. He’s completely shut down again. Whatever is happening to me is probably triggered by the transformation. Is he feeling the same thing? If he is, why isn’t he telling me?

  His hand is on the table. It might not work and this is really selfish, but I should try. I can’t deal with him going back to how he was. He needs to eat. Will it shock him? Probably. Hell, if he wants to leave after this, I can understand it, but swapping is the only way I can fix this.

  —

  “I’m sorry, Percy.”

  I should have known that she would default back to seeing me as me once I was back in that body, but I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did. I’m not sure how I am going to manage from now on. Pandora’s box has been opened. I was only in my old body for a minute, but it felt longer. Every second was excruciating. I was barely able to numb it. I let my guard down and she put me through that.

  “Percy?” It’s like an arrow directly to the heart. I shouldn’t ask her this. She can’t know about how messed up I am until we leave, but I can’t take her calling me that.

  “Call me Kay.”

  “What?”

  “Call me Kay. When it’s just us. Whether I am in your body or mine. Call me Kay.” She should be able to get it. Hell, maybe she’ll guess the full story, but I can’t stand being Percy right now. Or ever.

  “Why?”

  “Just do it,” I say coldly.

  “Okay. Well, I’m sorry for swapping us back and forth.”

  “You should be. I don’t care what happens when you're in my body. Just don’t make it my problem.” I told her I could make it. I'm not sure now.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not okay!” I shout.

  “Then why did you say you were?!”

  “Because I didn’t want to talk to you!” I sound like a petunt child.

  “And what, you do now?”

  “I’m more okay with it!” If only we could just forget and try to move on with the night. It's been fun being around her again. I missed her. She is being so understanding and I'm shing out at her like an asshole. It's not her fault she got flustered and my body reacted. It's fine. That body is a curse and she gave me a brief respite; it's not fair to get mad at her for wanting her body back.

  “Why?”

  “Because I am. Nothing more to it.”

  “So you don’t feel sick?” she asks.

  “I feel fine.”

  “If you feel fine, why are you yelling?”

  My brain grinds to a halt. I didn't even notice. What's wrong with me?

  "Sorry."

  "It's okay, Kay."

  "I'm sorry." A pit forms in my stomach. Did I scare her? She's going to leave me alone again.

  "You didn't do anything wrong. Are you okay?" She's being so gentle with me. She wouldn't be treating me like this if I was in my old body.

  "No." I can't lie when my eyes are stinging and my head is pounding. I'm so weak.

  "Is it because we swapped back while I was–"

  "No."

  "Do you still want to leave?"

  "No." I whimper. I want to stay with her longer. I want to be free for a few more hours.

  "I'm sorry."

  "It's not your fault." I assure her. It's mine. If I was just normal she wouldn't have to deal with this.

  "Can I give you a hug? You look like you need it.

  "Please."

  She shuffles around to my side of the table and wraps her arm around me. For obvious reasons I'd never really paid attention to how I felt to hug, if that's a thing people pay attention to. She’s comfortable. l always tried to keep a little muscle in case of emergencies and as a reason to leave the house and it paid off. My eyes sting, my face burns and I cry into her.