Chapter 221 – The Reason Behind Sn Icarus' Death

  Nathan Evenhart:

  I got out of bed after what could barely be called sleep. Even in slumber, my mind found no peace. Beside me on the bed was a crumpled box of chocotes—the gift Chloe gave me before leaving.

  I was still in the Evenhart mansion in Apsalon.

  Chloe had left two days aght after we departed from the academy. She chose to leave without me, without even saying goodbye to our friends.

  She and Kinue must already be on the underground transport heading toward the duchy.

  I sighed.

  I'm sorry, Chloe.

  My cousin had been so upset that she refused to leave with my mother. She didn’t want to see anyone and agreed to leave only if Kinue went with her.

  "Even Kinue was mad at me," I muttered.

  Chloe and I argued, and she demanded an expnation. But all I could mao say was that I didn’t want a retionship with her. I couldn’t muster the ce to tell her about the fear that haunts me—the fear of repeating what I’ve already endured once before.

  "Being human again... is hard."

  Having human feelings again is painful...

  I could have easily justified myself by pointing out that she’s 15 and, iy, I am over 500. But if I think like that, then I’ll never allow myself to have a retionship with anyone. In this world, Chloe and I are adults. Here, I’m no longer Icarus—I’m Nathan Evenhart, a 15-year-old adult.

  Lately, I’ve been pgued by fears and memories of my past. Dreams of moments I desperately waet have returo haunt me. Disc that dark beings regarded as deities exist in this world has stirred a cascade of s. I feel as though I’m walking on thin ice, stantly waiting for it to crad drag everything I cherish into the depths.

  I ’t repeat my mistakes. I ’t have Chloe by my side, nor anyone else.

  I o uncover what the Illuminated are. I o uand the prophecy Sisika gave me before she died. She spoke of a great flict, of the moment when those beings would reveal themselves.

  Sitting on the bed, I looked outside. I chuckled at the irony of the sting outside.

  It’s always like this... I always lose the ones I love during a storm. I lost Helen... then Sisika... and now Chloe has left me.

  I gnced around the room, notig Cyl’s absence. She’s been avoidiely, spending her nights with my mother.

  What do I do, Sisika? I wish I had someone who truly uood me to talk to...

  "I hope you five me, Chloe... but I ’t lose another fiancée," I murmured.

  "It was my fault... I caused Helen’s death. I ’t cause yours. You and our family are what I treasure most in this world. That’s why I ’t risk losing you. You’ve given me something no power in the world could offer—a home."

  Chloe cried, and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even fort her, because I’m the one who caused her pain.

  How I protect those I love when I’m the one hurting them?

  I stared at my hands, feeling the weight of guilt pressing down on me.

  Maybe I’m using these dark beings as an excuse to avoid admitting the truth. The truth buried in my heart.

  I sighed, looking back outside. A deep ache tightened in my chest, a knot f in my throat. Fighting with Chloe... hurt. It hurt my soul.

  Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to move on, Helen? I don’t want to repce you. You were my first love. I don’t want to erase you from my life. Your soul ceased to exist; you ’t even be called someone who died. Your very existence was erased by the bde of a god.

  Do I deserve this? I don’t want tet the person who taught me how to love in another life.

  "Without my sun, there’s no reason to live…" I murmured the words she said to me that day.

  I wiped the tears streaming down my face.

  I tried to end my life to join you, to disappear just as you did. But I couldn’t even do that.

  I’m sorry, Helen… I’m sorry. I failed even at erasing myself from existence.

  I’m not worthy of being called your sun.

  ***

  I could anything that day. A few maids tried t me something, but I refused. I stayed irapped in my own internal struggles, immersed iing within me. Ever since I was reborn, I had tried to avoid thinking about my feelings for Helen, but now... the memories hit me like a tsunami, dredging up everything I had thrown into the depths of the sea.

  ‘Knock, knock.’ Someone knocked on the door, but I didn’t answer. I remained lying there. Night had fallen, and soon, sleep would drag me into yet anhtmare.

  "Nathan…" a gentle voice called. I turoward the door.

  "Mother? Is something wrong?" I asked, watg her step in and close the door behind her.

  She walked over to the bed and sat down beside me.

  "Are you okay?" she asked.

  "I’m fine…" I replied, unvingly.

  She moved closer.

  "What are you doing?" I asked as she leaned nearer.

  "Shush, Nate," she said, pullio a firm embrace.

  My mother held me tightly and kissed the top of my head.

  "It’s okay, I’m here with you. You cry, my son."

  The moment she said those words, I couldn’t hold bay longer. Everything I had kept bottled up inside burst out all at ohe tears came flooding, unstoppable. All the worries, fears, doubts, and failures I carried rose to the surface. I tried to speak, to apologize to Helen, but the words came out in a jumble, and the more I tried, the more the tears fell.

  I don’t know how long I stayed like that, just g while my mother held me in her arms. I cried until, at some point, I fell asleep.

  She didn’t pin, not even once. She stayed with me, rog me gently and stroking my head. Even as I drifted off, I could still hear her humming a lulby.

  "My child…" she whispered. "You are so loved, and you don’t even realize it."

  I was awake in her arms but stayed silent, cherishing the moment.

  "I hate seeing you like this, Nate," she said, gently brushing the strands of hair from my eyes. She sighed, looking at me with such tenderness.

  "Do you care about Chloe?" she asked. At that moment, I couldn’t lie.

  "I do…"

  She shook her head softly, as if scoldihen chuckled.

  "You’re as indecisive as your mother was," she said with a wry smile. "But I’m sure you have your reasons for not reciprog Chloe’s feelings."

  She gave me a gentle fli the forehead.

  "My son, don’t be like your mother. Don’t carry regrets that will e you."

  She caressed my cheeks lovingly.

  I stayed quiet, just listening.

  "I lost your father, my first love, to the war," she said.

  Those words struething deep within me.

  I lost my first love in the war too.

  "How did you get through it?" I asked.

  "I didn’t," she replied. "Your mother lives with this deep pain every single day."

  I haven’t gotte either.

  She took a deep breath.

  "But I o honor the memory of the person I loved. It would be selfish of me to give up on my life just because I ’t cope with this pain."

  Her words pierced my soul, like a thousand arrows striking my heart.

  "Do you know who taught me that?" she asked.

  "Who?"

  She chuckled softly and touched the tip of my nose.

  "You, Nathan. You were the one who taught me that."

  She looked at me, her gaze distant as though recalling a memory buried deep within.

  "When you were born… you gave me a purpose to live. Your cry brought me joy. I had already given up on my life that night, but you smiled at me when you realized I was okay. The midwives had kept you away from me all night to care for me properly, but you wouldn’t st, not even during the storm outside. Your cries were louder thahunder. But the moment they brought you close to me, you stopped g. It was as if you were relieved to see me alive. That little smile dispelled the darkhat had ed me. That tiny baby brought the light bato my world, like a sun to me."

  I was silent, uo find words to express what I felt.

  She leaned closer and kissed my forehead.

  "Nathan, don’t gh what your mother went through. I lost my love because I kept him away from me. But the person you love is still within your reach. Don’t let her slip away. Don’t let your fiancée leave."

  Fiancée?

  She sighed deeply.

  "There was a time, when you were very young, that your aunt and I had to make a difficult decision. Back then, we were in the midst of a noble crisis, just a few years after the st war ended, and the duchy’s ey was in shambles. That’s what fueled the crisis. They saw our family’s weakness and tried to take advantage. We couldn’t let the future of our childreolen, so we stole it ourselves. Your aunt and I signed a betrothal agreement. You and Chloe have been engaged since you were five years old."

  She stopped for a moment, her gaze steady as she looked at me.

  "She is your fiancée, Nathan. You be angry at me for what I did, but that won’t ge anything. Do you want to hurt your fiancée? Do you want to hurt the person who loves you?"

  I didn’t know how to process what I had just learned, but ohing was clear: I didn’t want to hurt my fiancée. I didn’t want to lose her again.

  "No… I don’t want my fiao leave," I said firmly.

  She flicked my forehead lightly.

  "Nathan Evenhart, you hurt that girl’s heart. In fact, you hurt three girls’ hearts."

  "Three?" I asked, surprised. "I don’t uand."

  "If you ’t bring yourself to love even one, how do you think the other two feel? By denying one’s love, you dehem all. You hurt Chloe, Kinue, and Cyl."

  She looked at me, waiting for my rea.

  "How do you know Cyl likes me?"

  "She’s been sleeping by your side since you were five. Of course, she likes you."

  "I see…"

  My mother chuckled softly.

  "Besides… I’ve walked into your room a few times while you were sleeping, and she was hugging you and ughing."

  That’s so like her…

  "Kinue and Chloe are lucky Cyl isn’t human. If she were, I’m pretty sure she’d kidnap you and keep you all to herself," my mother said with a smirk.

  She’s already dohat once…

  I sighed, gazing at the woman who had always been there for me. From the moment I arrived in this world, she was the one who stood by me during my darkest times, when I needed someone who truly uood me. She had always been there.

  "Thank you, Mother. It feels like you always know the right thing to say," I said softly.

  She pinched my nose gently.

  "I have to know, Nathan. After all, I’m your mother. It’s my job to take care of you," she replied with a warm smile.