The S.C.U.M. Army and its hangers-on were disbanded and the 10,000 teens were sent home to their mamas and pops. On promise of good behavior Rebekkah Earwax was likewise released into the custody of her parents. When turned 18 she moved to a chalet in the rural part of Schling Quadrant and devoted herself to channeling her rage through the arts of painting, puppetry, tarot, mime and gun collecting.

  Our friends were standing in front of the Videotape Palace next to the Humpty Hump Dumpster, or “Humpster”, waving goodbye to Nobgoblin and her army as they marched out of the city.

  “Well, we set things right,” said Ratsack.

  “Thanks for being such good friends,” Titi said to Foulfinger, Ratsack, and Cydroidobot. “And thank you, Nate and raccoon bench--”

  “I’ve decided my name is Gashmouth, after my mouth gash,” said the raccoon bench.

  “Nate and Gashmouth, a few days ago I had no family and now I have you two.”

  “I am grateful someone as funderful as you is my mother,” said Nate, giving Titi a hug.

  “And we can’t forget the Humpster!”

  “We couldn’t have saved the country without the Humpster,” said Titi, patting the humpty hump head affectionately. “I wish they could talk so they could tell us how best to reward them.”

  The humpty hump head began making huge raspberry noises and more moldy sawdust spurted out the tip of its trunk. Then a particularly bulky clump of plopped out and the head cleared its bony throat.

  “Bleechh! There, that’s the last of that horrible stuff. I can finally talk, and I wish to say that I did not wish to be brought to life, and have not enjoyed the experience very muchly.”

  “I apologize for that,” said an abashed Titiana.

  “I am greatly ashamed of my body,” continued the humpty hump head. “Please take me to pieces. I beg to be dismembered.”

  So they had the Humpty Hump Dumpster taken apart. The humpty hump head was again hung in the foyer, the ironing boards were returned to the laundry room, and the dumpster was placed back on the roof. The toilet plunger resumed its accustomed duties in the restroom off the side of the throne room.

  You might think that was the end of the Humpty Hump Dumpster; and so it was, as a flying-machine. But they continued to talk whenever they took a notion to do so, and they frequently startled, with their abrupt questions, the people who waited for an audience with the tremorroid.

  After dismantling the Humpster Ratsack declared it was high time that Titi, Nate, and Gashmouth saw their first movie in a theater. So our friends walked from Videotape Palace down the street to a huge single screen movie palace called the Cinesoteric Videodrome. Titiana gaped in awe at the theater’s enormous lobby and huge, vastly stocked concession stand featuring all sorts of great things to eat and drink including popcorn, iguanaburgers, Plotz fries, hog logs, chili hog logs, chili hog logs with cheese, foot long hog logs (with optional chili or cheese), alien feces nachos, Chilly Dilly brand pickles, grilled cockadoodoo nuggets, fried cockadoodoo nuggets, steamed cockadoodoo nuggets, pizza by the slice (cheese or cheese and scrapple), wazzfish sandwiches, seventeen different flavors of self-serve fountain soda, and candy from all over Sifillis that Titi had never heard of like Gummy Bladders and Caramel Snot.

  After looking at all the advertisements for coming attractions (including a cardboard cutout for a saucy comedy called “Sindy and Mindy go to Science School” that featured two college-age females in bikinis holding test tubes and beakers) the adventurers made their way to the front row of the giant auditorium that was filled with Schmegma Citizens. Once they were settled the owner of the theater, an elderly pink humanoid- clean and smartly dressed with a handlebar moustache and a Quirkian accent- shuffled into the theater and up to the 1000 inch TV facing the seats.

  “M’lady, tis indeed an honor to host the one true ruler of Bonertania for a motion picture feature film screening in my humble amphitheater.” Titi blushed.

  You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

  “It’s her first time seeing a movie in a theater!” volunteered Ratsack.

  “And mine!” ejaculated Nate.

  “Me too,” sighed Gashmouth, who was standing in the aisle next to the front row.

  “Well then, this is an extra special occasion, please accept these enamel pins as a memento of this blessed evening.” He handed Titi and Nate pins, featuring the Cinesoteric Videodrome icon (a videotape with the CV eye logo). Titi pinned hers to her hoodie and then helped Nate put his on his flannel shirt. Then the theater manager shoved a pin into Gashmouth’s wooden chest. The dour wooden raccoon almost smiled.

  Then the theater owner, whose name was Jones Vickers Jones, shuffled over to the VCR that sat on top of two stacked iguana milk crates. He reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a plastic case. He snapped it open, removed the tape inside, and inserted it into the machine. It began playing immediately.

  Titiana was filled with excitement and wonder as the Soavi Sisters Studio logo filled the enormous screen. Then came five or six more studio logos including Interrobang International, Lumpycheek Films, and the hilarious animated logo of the Pig’s Butt Company. Then the screen faded to black, and then faded up on a summer camp.

  Titiana’s first movie in a theater was a slasher movie made in 2087 called “Butcherblock Summer” about a summer camp for aspiring teenage butchers. The cast was mostly four and six legged yokai and two token humanoids. The killer was a sort of octopus/otter hybrid wearing a filthy apron who killed with a comically oversized cleaver. Titi loved watching the movie with a theater full of people reacting enthusiastically. It filled her with energy.

  About halfway through the movie, when the seventh murder was about to happen (Titiana was keeping count) B.M. Foulfinger started coughing and hacking and stumbled up from his front row seat, grasping his throat. He was choking on a mouthful of Caramel Snot! Thinking fast, Cydroidobot lept from his seat and quickly did the Scheimlich manuver. However, he didn’t check the power of his strong metal arms and squeezed too tightly, so not only did the chunk of caramel scabbage fly out of the emancipated finger’s mouth but so did copious amounts of candy-and-cherry-cola vomit! It projected out of his mouth and all over the theater’s VCR. Sparks began flying out of the machine before it burst into flames. The fire spread down the AV cable that connected the VCR to the TV and suddenly the TV was on fire too! The audience paniced and stampeded out to the lobby.

  “Fire! Fire!” they called out. Jones Vickers Jones shuffled out from behind the counter wringing his hands. He cried: “Someone must fetch the Schmegma City fire department!”

  Ratsack lept onto Gashmouth’s back and said:

  “We’ll be there in a wink! Cheezit, Gashmouth!” said Gashmouth.

  The raccoon bench ran out the front doors of the theater. By this time copious amounts of smoke were billowing out of the auditorium doors and audience members were flooding into the streets. Jones Vickers Jones was coughing and light-headed so Cydroidobot picked him up and carried him outside to the sidewalk. The others followed.

  “My beautiful theater will burn down before that accursedly slow fire department gets back here!” And just then the videodrome’s roof became engulfed in flames.

  Titiana felt helpless, and shoved both hands into the pockets of her hoodie. She felt something in the left pocket and pulled out Stephen the Kaiju’s folded nipple.

  “Holy geez, I forgot all about this!” Titiana exclaimed. She unfolded the nipple and tweaked it three times, and Stephen appeared with a loud fart noise.

  “Stephen!” shouted Titiana.

  “Who are you?” asked Stephen.

  “I’m Titi, the one who freed you from the meatidong trap!”

  “You look different. More willowy.”

  “It’s a long story! Look, do you think you could pee on this fire and save the theater!”

  Stephen yawned and scratched his butt through his dingy Y-fronts with his razor boomerang hands, then said:

  “You’re lucky I just drank a submarine full of alien feces ale.”

  And then the kaiju exposed his purple member and urinated on the theater until the flames were extinguished.

  “Thank you, Mr. Kaiju!” called Nate.

  “Yes, thank you so much! You saved the theater!” added Titiana.

  “Okay, so we’re even now. Give me back my nipple.” He bent down to retrieve the nipple from Titiana’s outstretched hand. He slapped it back on his chest. “Catch you later!,” he said, and stomped away towards Plotz Quadrant, being careful not to step on any buildings on his way out.

  Just then Gashmouth arrived with Ratsack holding onto their ears for dear life, followed by the Schmegma City Fire Brigade, which was just Agent Orange dragging a huge hose. Orange was relieved that the fire had already been extinguished. Titi knew going into tonight that she would never forget it, she just hadn’t counted on how eventful it would be! However, she was dying to know how “Butcherblock Summer” ended and if the octootter got his comeuppance. Cydroidobot assured Titi he had a copy of the movie in his collection.

  “When I get home I shall have this dent in my noggin mended by the royal botsmith,” said the Robotic Emperor, “and then I shall be glad to have all of you pay me a visit for a viewing party.”

  They all agreed that sounded fine.

  Once they reached the palace B.M. Foulfinger, still embarrassed that his barf caused the theater fire, excused himself and went to bed. Titiana was wired and Nate, Gashmouth, Ratsack, and Cydroidobot didn’t require sleep so they went into the royal home theater, where they had a horror movie marathon on the 100-inch TV. They managed to squeeze in six R-rated horror feature film motion pictures before dawn.

  THE END