Much like all things, it started with darkness, a chillingly empty darkness. Soon after the darkness came a noise, clattering? Clanking? The sound of wood on rough stone knocking at my mind again and again. I felt like I should be irritated, but I wasn’t. the droning sound was just there, nothing wrong with it.

  How I managed to get into this situation seemed to be a thought growing in prevalence. It didn’t make sense, then again, nothing really did. NOTHING I did made sense, was there even a me? not that that was important. A new sensation returned to me, a gentle rocking mixed with a fuzzy feeling in my legs. Moving, somehow, I knew I was moving.

  Where am I going? Why? HOW? Las t I remembered I met that strange noble and ran away for some reason. After that what happened? Ugh, unable to move It was unbearably frustrating how everything seemed to elude me. with a final tug at my memory something popped into my mind.

  I remembered returning to the manor, but it was strange, Mother had called me… but what for? So many questions kept appearing but fewer and fewer could be answered.

  I shook my head in frustration… I could move. I was stuck there, I knew very little of the situation I was in acting hastily could be dangerous.

  Slowly, I lifted my left eyelid and took in my surroundings. All I could see was red, and that’s when I realised that my face was planted squarely into a seat. I slowly opened my other eye only to be met with much of the same.

  With a deep breath in I turned my head to the side, finally taking in the wooden boards that confined me. there were myriads of patterns and decorations carved into the wood alongside some strange lettering.

  “ah, goodie, goodie, we got a strong one.”

  By the time I registered that someone or something had spoken I had already returned to darkness.

  …

  My eyes drifted open once more and I found myself in a dark room. something was pressing down on me, it wasn’t that heavy, but it had my entire body ensnared. Strangely enough I didn’t want to move, it was almost… comfortable? No matter, I pushed against the weight to find that it was fluffy yet stiff, definitely a pelt of some kind.

  By the time I had gained freedom from the pelt It had dawned on me, the room was fucking freezing. It was almost as if I had been dumped in the south… It couldn’t be, definitely not, ha, who would do such a thing?

  I rose from what felt like a bed and set my feet on the frigid stone floor. Not so carefully I fumbled my way to what felt like a door and gave it a tug, it was too damn cold for caution anymore. The door surprisingly enough flew open.

  “ACK”

  I retreated back to the darkness of room; the outside was filled with warm candlelight that seemed to singe my eyes. rapidly my eyes blinked trying to adjust to the light as I tried to figure out where I was. the time between my blinking grew shorter, little by little. and I took in the outside world.

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  There was a corridor, it had grand tapestries lining the walls and a plush red carpet donning the floor. The choice of carpet made me a little confused as I had thought that the south only used blue, but that wasn’t important. What was important was the frightened girl at the other end of the corridor looking at me like I was some sort of ghost.

  I couldn’t say much, not that I wanted to either, so I just stared back at her. There we stood, gawking like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately for me someone saw the girl standing there and rushed up to check on her, a man a white tunic and absolutely covered in blue. My eyes locked onto the blue, not even caring that he had a sheathed sword in his hand, I just kept staring at that blue.

  My breath grew laboured, each breath I took seemed to be faster and harder than the last. When the man turned his head to look at me, I grabbed the door, slamming it shut. I thought I heard the girl shout and the sudden noise, but I didn’t care. I was in the south, I was definitely in the south, but I couldn’t be, I SHOULDN’T BE!

  I didn’t know what to do, what to think, I had spent my entire life in the barony. Sure I had gone outside occasionally to visit father’s friends, but those were just soulless formalities. I had no idea what to do, I just stood there staring at the door.

  Eventually even standing proved to be too stressful and I fell to the floor, resting my head against the door. Surely, surely Mark and Mr Cedar would come save me… but if they were going to do that then they would have done so earlier… they always were more in it for fun than anything else… NO! they will come, they will definitely get me out of here.

  I don’t know what to do in the south, I can’t go to war and kill people… but I have killed people before… but I had that breakdown… but why did I have that breakdown? What do I do? Why? WHY? FUCING WHY?

  My fingers dug into my scalp, every fucking time I seemed to figure out who I was, my place in this fucked up world she would come to fuck everything up for me. that woman, that barony, those lies, they should all fucking burn.

  For the first time my mind was not a blank canvas for something else, and it was filled with rage. I hated myself for all those times I ran away, I used an apothecary as an excuse to avoid my problems, and for what? They still found me, I ended up in the south so that I could be forced to fight a war for an empire that was on the brink of destruction.

  The world was fucked up, and so was I.

  My eyes burned and I opened my mouth, something seemed to fill my nose. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to stop it, I didn’t know what to feel, what to do, so many times I just didn’t care. So many emotions others expected of me, so many times they tried to console me for regrets I didn’t have. Maybe I wasn’t human… but so what?

  What was so wrong with having no emotions? Why must I feel something? as long as my heart beats then I am alive, and if I am alive then I can do whatever I want: revenge, riches, power, they would all be mine… surely, surely, surely…

  I knew it was a lie, all getting angry did was just exhaust myself. even though I knew that I still pounded my fist against the stone floor, the pain did little to deter me. my muffled whimpers turned to howls and I felt like ripping out my eyes, my chest hurt, and I bit into my arm, however my teeth were still unsatiated. I threw my head at the door, the recoil sending me to the floor, and there I lay.

  After the noise that inevitably escaped the room, the door was opened by a group of five men, the first of which merely muttered at the sight.

  “I swear they only give us the most deranged ones.”

  One of the other men then shut the door, and the seemed to leave. The absurdity of it all seemed to dry my eyes. they didn’t care, no one did. I stopped my body’s violence and just lay on the floor, the tears trickling down into my ear as I just lay there devoid of any thoughts.

  Eventually a single word escaped from my lips.

  “fhuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”