Bad Plan

  Chapter 5 Suicide Plan

  This is not something new in my life for I have gone through a few plans. I tried to stab myself in my heart when I was 5 years old. That didn't work. I just started crying and wasn't able to do it. Then when I was 8 years old I laid down in the middle of the road during the summer and ended up falling asleep. I woke up and rolled out of the way, before I could get hit. I had good instincts and the plan was flawed because there were not many cars. Growing up we lived out in the country 3 miles outside town limits, so there weren't many cars passing by.

  Then I spent 4th grade begging god to kill me and stop my suffering. I had given up for I had failed the first 2 times and didn't see a way it would get better. These past few months I have been a lot better, because of my medication. I went up to 20mg so it helped a lot. This morning has not been good since when I normally feel a 1 on the suicidal scale I'm at a 10. So when I just would want to cut but not kill myself at was at 1. At 10 if I leave my bed right now I will kill myself.

  I don't need to make a plan for killing myself on my 18th birthday. I had been planning it for most of the year and was only holding on because I would die soon. I would die if I couldn't get my name legally changed. My sister agreed to it so I didn't kill myself, but it has been such a long time since than. It really wasn't anyone's fault for Naomi having the car and getting home late. We tried to do it on the same day she went to the courthouse to get married. It didn't happen.

  I didn't know we were supposed to fill out and have papers beforehand. Then we had to wait to get them all printed out after finding the right ones. Before that we tried to go, but I had the wrong time for when the courthouse closed. I would have to miss school to go to the court house, so we would have to wait till break from school. It didn't get done because we were busy around the holidays. I started to cut again because I kept on giving up on it ever happening.

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  I had to wear something around my neck for a week to let it heal. I had cut myself that day in the park with my dog. I wore a jacket so I could cover it up and showered so no one saw the blood being absorbed by my jacket. I had cut myself were I had planed for killing myself.

  So one on my neck where I should have had an Adams apple, then on both of my thighs where my dick should have been, and on my chest for I should have one. I can't describe it more than that because of my body and gender dysphoria. So if I move I will cut across my throat, chest, thighs, and across my wrists for good measure. I really need my medication to be functioning, I tried talking myself out of it.

  That didn't work because I wanted to die, this was caused by a dream where I still had this body and depression. In my dream I still had my abusive parents past, with just something added so it was a dream and not memories. In my dream I killed myself because of my dysphoria, and woke up crying.

  I really need to get ready and might be able to because I wrote all of the negative feelings down. I'm still cutting myself, and cutting my body into my arms. I mostly do it because I want evidence and proof, also a way to pass time. I have to wait till 19 for Medicare to get testosterone so I need a way to stay alive till then. I can't get my name changed even with the forms filled out because of the coronavirus and I had planned for spring break.

  So I can't get anything done that will keep me alive and it has delayed my counseling. I need to meet with my counselor to continue functioning. The coronavirus has just made my life worse on that part, I don't have school though. That means my dysphoria caused by school is way down. I don't go outside, so I distract myself with finishing books, and TV shows.

  That was something on my list to do before I die, because I had to fill my days with something. I'm cutting a lot more because I don't have to hide it, since I'm not going to school. I have stopped cutting my chest, because it might cause me to not be able to get surgery. So that I can finally get them removed, that's what is stopping me from trying to cut them off myself. I haven't stopped cutting l, I don't know if I really will even if they scar.

  It's 1:50 pm on 4/19/2020 with 881 words.