Staggy was sitting at the back of the medical tent. He was hunched over and a lot thinner than the last time I had seen him. Blond hair that normally sat in a neat bun hung in greasy tangles around his face. Not only that, his clothes were stained with blood and other substances I didn’t want to know the origin of. He was making an odd-coloured concoction, which I really hoped he wasn’t going to make someone drink. It looked poisonous.

  I sat down next to him. To fit on the tiny stool with him, I had to nearly sit on his lap. It seemed to take a second for Staggy to realise what happened. His hands continued to mix things together; he had moved onto a new concoction while his eyes moved to me. The only emotion I could see on his face was annoyance, I was in his way. “Rico, can you please get off my lap? I can’t see what I’m doing.” He said angrily, putting down the pipette, then paused. Four expressions passed simultaneously across his face. Angry, confused, relieved, shocked. “Wait! Rico! Shit! Is that really you?” Staggy leapt to his feet and grabbed my face with both his hands, pushing his face so close to mine our noses were almost touching.

  A few of the patients looked in our direction, people shouting swears wasn’t uncommon in the medic’s tent, but it had been pretty quiet before. Staggy moved his hands across my face as though he was checking I was real. With his face so close to mine, I really noticed how gaunt and tired he looked.

  “Hi, Staggy.” I said while trying to pry his hands off my face.

  Staggy released my face but flung his arms around me instead. “I’m so glad you’re not dead. Going to be completely honest, I didn’t know if you were going to be able to pull through. I was scared you had given up. But you’re okay. You are okay. You are alive. Stars! You are alive! You don’t understand how worried I’ve been about you. So many terrible thoughts. I thought you had died. Dead. I thought you were dead. Dead! I don’t think I have ever been gladder to see someone in my entire life! You still look kind of sick. No offence or anything, but you just don’t look very good. But you are alive. Stars!”

  By stars, Staggy could talk. He sounded a bit like a little kid when he got excited. I let out a short breath. “Are you done? Also, I’m not the only one who’s not looking good.”

  “Shut up. Let me be happy to see you in peace.”

  “Of course. But are you planning on releasing me? I can’t breathe properly.” Staggy had started squeezing. Even though he was looking thin, he was still pretty strong.

  “One more minute.” I could hear a small hint of tears in his voice.

  “Fine, but can you please stop squeezing?” I said with a fake pained voice. He loosened his grip slightly but didn’t release me. He still seemed to be checking I was real. “But seriously, are you alright, Staggy? You’re not looking your best.”

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  Staggy finally released me and looked away. His entire demeanour changed, he retracted back into his shell. “I’m fine.”

  “Tell that to the bags under your eyes.” I tried to joke with him to bring him back out of his shell.

  Staggy’s tone grew frustrated. He didn’t like my attempts. “I’m fine Fi-Rico. I’ve just been working a lot.” He had picked the pipette back up and added three drops of a mystery substance to the equally mysterious concoction. It had been a long time since I had heard him call me by my formal name. It sounded wrong in his voice. I didn’t like the way it hung in the air between us.

  Staggy looked so dejected. I wanted to comfort him, make the world seem slightly brighter, but I couldn’t find the right words. It made my heart hurt to see him like that. In my mind, Staggy was always the smiley one, the one comforting me. Now the roles were reversed; I appreciated how empathetic and kind Staggy always was.

  I pushed closer to him. I let my head fall onto his shoulder. The right words still didn’t appear to me, but maybe, I thought, he would understand what I was conveying through my touch. Maybe he was all right with the silence.

  I think my assumptions were correct because he didn’t push me off or chastize me. If anything, he relaxed into my touch.

  We allowed the silence to sit comfortably between us. My eyes fluttered closed. I drifted into a state of half sleep. My breath fell into time with Staggy’s.

  When I rejoined the world of the awake, Staggy was gently calling my name. Still my formal name, but it had lost some of its hardness in his speech.

  Staggy had rested a hand on my shoulder. “Fi-Rico, you need to let go.” I was still half asleep. That phrase sounded familiar; he had said it before, but when I couldn’t remember. All that came to the front of my mind was a deep melancholy. “Fi-Rico, please let go of my arm, your nails are digging into my skin.

  In an instant I was fully awake. I released Staggy’s arm. When had I grabbed it? I could see the red marks where my nails had cut into his skin. A wave of guilt washed over me. “Sorry.”

  Staggy shook his head slightly and then turned away.

  We sat in awkward silence for a while. Staggy finally broke it. “You can leave; I’m not a child. Also you seem pretty tired, maybe you should go to sleep.”

  That was a very definite statement. I pushed to my feet. “See you, Staggy.”

  “Goodbye.”

  It was a horrible feeling that settled over me as I left. The only emotion I could put my finger on was guilt. Guilt that I couldn’t help him. Stars, I didn’t even know what was going on. It was an oppressing, suffocating feeling.

  I rubbed my hands across my forehead, trying to dispel the headache. I still felt groggy and disoriented.

  Though after thoughts rushed through my mind. They rolled and darted around my brain. I can’t help. I can’t help myself. I can’t help someone else. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I’m useless. What’s the point of continuing? Trying. Just give up. Give it all up.

  Stop.

  Nothing I do can fix things. I can’t stop. I can’t fix it. Why? Why? I want to know why? I need to know why? What if it’s me? What if I’m the problem? Maybe I should just give up? Make it stop? Give it all up.

  Make it. Stop.

  Stop.