“Cower, brief mortal before I, the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell, Xyxxzomxix.” Bellowed the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell, Xyxxzomxix. Filling the barren stone basement he found himself in with his thunderous voice.

  “I’m good.” Meekly said the small cultist.

  “What is your deepest desire, and in exchange for your soul I could make it reality.” Once again causing every single stone brick to tremble.

  “I’m not here for a trade.”

  “Then what are you here for?” His voice reverberating throughout the room, the large demon’s horns scraping the ceiling.

  “Just an inquiry. Those are free right?”

  “What!? And inquiry? And you summoned me? The most powerful crown prince of hell to answer a mere simple question!?”

  “Well you don’t know the question.”

  “I don’t care, you should’ve just summoned a lesser demon from the public relations and customer service department to answer your question, saved on my time and energy better spent on soul stealing.”

  “Well, I figured since I could, I should just skip straight to the top.”

  “You could’ve at least interrupted the pomp and circumstance to save some time.”

  “But you were so good at it. I didn’t want to interrupt your act.”

  ". . ." "Thank you. What is your question, Mortal."

  “Well first, double checking, inquiries are indeed free, right?”

  “Yes, according to section 2, page 49, paragraph 176 of the tomb of basic demonic decency all inquiries should be answered for free, without punishment, so that the client Ie. you, the person inquiring and potential future soul provider can make the best possible decision on what is right for them to do with their future, and or their soul, so they can get the most out of the demonic services we offer so we don’t accidentally steal someone’s soul and give them something they don’t actually want.”

  “Good.”

  “So what is your question?”

  “Well, this is going to sound kind of embarrassing.”

  “All questions are kept completely and totally confidential.”

  “I suppose that’s good.”

  “Yes, otherwise no one would ever utilize the demonic assassin service for legal reasons, or the you know, the more intimate. . . err. . . extra-marital activity services.”

  “I know.”

  “So was yours one or the other, or both of those?”

  “No.”

  “Oooooo. . . Something worse, more terrible, dark, and depraved? What is it then?” Gleefully said the gigantic demon.

  “Well, how do I phrase this exactly. . . I want to know how to make friends with people, or how to tell if the friends you have are actually true good friends?”

  “That’s it?” A frown spreading across his face, disappointed at the rather tame nature of the question.

  “I’d think so.”

  “You asked two separate questions, not one, one implied, one explicit, which one do you want me to answer?”

  “Eventually both.”

  “Which one do you want me to start with?”

  “How about just in order.”

  “Alright, how to make friends? Go be around a bunch of people, and do the things you like to do, but in public now, and ask random strangers who are doing the same things in similar places their names so they stop being random strangers, then ask if they want to go do things together.”

  “I was afraid you’d say that.”

  “Just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it’s easy. Now for question two, well, for this question I am going to ask another question: If all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you?”

  “Huh? Heck no! Of course not.”

  “Well why?”

  “Because that’s ridiculous, jumping off a bridge? I don’t want to die. If all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you?”

  “Well of course.”

  “What!? Why?”

  “Well I’d like to think my friends to be perfectly reasonable demons who’d never jump off a bridge without a good reason. Or they can fly, something I am also capable of.”

  “You’d die!”

  “Not if the bridge was only one or two feet above the riverbed, also I can fly and so can most of my friends.”

  “I see your point. But how does that answer my question?”

  “It doesn’t really answer it for you I guess, but it was my answer to my problem when I had said problem, as I am a demon and thus had to acquire very low standards for friends because I don't and didn't have that many options given my particular situation. But it is one of the questions I use to judge how much I trust a potential friend’s judgment now and in the future, and the fundamental bar on whether or not I can trust them on a basic fundamental level, and whether or not they have both your and their own best interests in mind.”

  “Should I adopt that question?”

  “Only if you want to. It isn’t the only question I ask myself, there are more and if the answer to most of the questions in my head is yes more often then it is no, generally a better and closer friend I consider them to be, so just find your own set of questions to ask, then fire away.”

  “Ok, what are some of the other questions?”

  “Do they avoid drinking, smoking, gambling, or doing drugs? Do they avoid hurting of people, demons, or animals and are repulsed by it? Are they generally on the upswing in life? Stuff like that, pretty basic, to be fair I am up for just about anything with anyone, provided my scruples are met. Though that doesn’t really answer your question about good friends, and how to identify if they are good or not. How you do that is by asking yourself, do you both mutually reinforce each other so you both become better demons, or in this case people, and do you and them both genuinely enjoy being around each other?”

  “Sounds great! The lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell, Xyxxzomxix. Go forth back into the depths of hell-

  “Wait! You’re just going to summon me again to ask another question, I can feel it.”

  “Yeah probably if the advice doesn’t work.”

  “How about at the moment, I could use a vacation from this whole demon-ing thing for a bit. So how about you save your energy and resources and I just get to stay here in your basement.”

  “Do you not want to be banished back to the land of fiery spikey flaming pits of screaming souls, where it rains acidic fire, where the wicked labor and torture each other forever drenched in their own bloody sweat from the unfathomably high temperatures of the core of the earth, and rattle of chains can be heard from every nook and cranny, and also, there’s no plumbing?”

  Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

  “I’d like you to think about all the things you just described for a second.”

  “Oh yeah, I suppose indoor plumbing is nice.”

  “Oh indeed! It’s my favorite thing I get to interact with any time I get to come up to visit humanity. It’s wild! Water anywhere, anytime, on command.”

  “Yes! Oh, well, I am sorry I didn’t summon you in the bathroom then.”

  “It is perfectly fine, the basement is perfectly adequate, nice and quiet, cool, and dark.”

  “Do you want anything to read? It is going to take me a while to apply your advice.”

  “Sure mortal. Bring me tales of terror! Of bloodshed and CARNAGE! Of lust and tragedy. Where the soul of the artist is on full display.”

  “Umm. . .”

  “Whatever you have upstairs I am sure is perfectly acceptable.”

  “Ok good.”

  A perfectly adequate amount of time for making a friend later. . .

  “Ah! All done.” Said the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell, Xyxxzomxix, who’d now finished every book the cultist owned. “I wonder when the little fellow will be back to banish me.”

  As on cue, the trap door to the basement opened, the ladder flew down, and with it, the cultist.

  “Ah! How’d it go mortal?”

  “Badly, it didn’t work. I asked people there names and if they want to go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, or build an autogyro.”

  “And?”

  “Well about half of them said yes.”

  “Well?”

  “Well what?”

  “Did you go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, or build an autogyro?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because none of them offered to.”

  “I’m confused.”

  “Well they said they wanted to, but they didn’t do it.”

  “So I have a question. Was the extent of your interaction essentially walking up to someone and asking ‘Hi, what’s your name?’ They respond, then you ask ‘Want to go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, or build an autogyro?’ Then they give their response of yes or no, then you just kind of say ‘Cool, me too.’ Before wandering off?”

  “Yep.”

  “You do know you have to actually do the things right?”

  “. . .”

  “. . .”

  “Oh! I have to do all the things before I ask people if they want to do them, and then they will want to be my friend because I do cool stuff. Got it!”

  “Wait no-

  “I’m off to make new friends!”

  “I think you misunderstand-

  “No time to waste!”

  “Are you not going to at least banish me first?”

  “Well, no, at the moment I can’t exactly afford another ritual. So I am just going to wait until I have more questions.”

  “So you are going to trap me the crown prince of hell in your basement all alone with no food, no friends, and nothing to do until you have more questions for me?”

  “Well yes, that’s the plan.”

  “Hm. . . Well, good enough for me. Extended vacation time, more PTO. Though could you at least give me another stack of books to read or something. Maybe some art supplies, or some of those little connect-y plastic building block toys for children?”

  “Sure, also I have a cursed magic mirror if you want it?”

  “How is it cursed?”

  “It doesn’t understand high context communication.”

  Some time later. . .

  “Mirror mirror on the, err, you’re a free standing mirror, so. . . Mirror, mirror on the floor, who is the fairest of them. . . well crap that doesn’t rhyme. Could this be technically construed as a hall? Mirror Mirror in the basement of a hall, who is the fairest of them all?”

  “The fairest of them all is the 7th lord minister judge of the tertiary high court.”

  “Huh. Mirror mirror in the basement of a hall, who is the most handsome of them all?”

  “The most handsome of them all is the orthopedic surgeon and prosthetics designer Manus Handson with his collection of over 600 different hands from various creatures including orks, orcs, demons, devils, mummies, humans, aliens, with the most impressive item in his collection (which isn’t visible to the naked eye) being the hand of god.”

  “Mirror mirror in basement of a hall. . .

  Some more time later. . .

  “Mirror mirror in the basement of a hall, of a sample size of one, the sample containing the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell, Xyxxzomxix. Who is the hottest, sexiest, most handsome, smartest, most deserving of a raise, and has the largest **** of them all?”

  “The hottest, sexiest, most handsome, smartest, most deserving of a raise, and has the largest **** of them all of a sample size of one, the sample containing the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell, Xyxxzomxix, is Xyxxzomxix, the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell.”

  “Finally!”

  The trap door to the basement swung open and the friend maker returned.

  “Well it’s about time you returned. I was about to get bored, I reread all the books you left me, built 7 different castles from the blocks, and finally tricked the mirror into complimenting me.”

  “Wait how? I’ve been trying to do that for months.”

  “You just have to limit your sample size and cherry pick your data.”

  “Great! Anyways, it didn’t work. I went sky diving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and built an autogyro and still don’t feel satisfied with my friendships.”

  “I feel as though you have taken my advice too literally and misunderstood and are also cursed to not understand high context communication, and if you do you're cursed to always misinterpret it.”

  “I have done so much and asked so many people their names, and asked so many of them if they want to go do things. So many of them have said yes, and yet none of them have actually gone out and done any of those things they wanted to do, let alone invite me to go do them. Instead I’ve just had to go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and build an autogyro all on my own, and still no one has offered to be my friend it’s terrible.”

  “Uh huh. . . But you didn’t actually invite anyone to go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and build an autogyro with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “So you didn’t actually indicate you want to be around let alone be friends with with any of the people who you asked their names and asked if they wanted to go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and build an autogyro.”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you see the problem yet?”

  “No.”

  “Do you need me to explain it to you?”

  “Yes.”

  “If you want to be friends with people, you need to do things with them, and to do things with them you need to ask them if they want to go do things, and if they want to do things with you, if they say yes, you then have to make the plan, and help them along towards doing the things with you. You have to be the one who takes initiative.”

  “Ugh! But that is so much work.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes!”

  “More than skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and building an autogyro alone?”

  “Ok maybe not. But equally as intense.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes!”

  “Definitely more than skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and building an autogyro?”

  “Well if you put it like that.”

  “Exactly. Can I be banished now?”

  “Not until I’ve made a friend.”

  “Fine.”

  “. . .”

  “. . .”

  “Well.”

  “. . .”

  “Hey Xyxxzomxix, the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell. Want to be friends?”

  “You know what? Sure.”

  “Thank you. You may go Xyxxzomxix, the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell back to the dark-”

  “Woah woah woah. I think you’re forgetting a step.”

  “Well, Xyxxzomxix, the lord of the pits, torturer of kings, crown prince of hell. Want to go skydiving, bungee jumping, squirrel suiting, rope swinging, cliff jumping, trampolining, hang gliding, ziplining, paragliding, ski-jumping, parachuting, and build an autogyro?”

  “Sure, let’s go.”