Rules of Zarnath Worship, Precept 4

  99- There are no rules.

  45-If you find a rule or law stupid, try your best to disrupt it.

  A- Killing people is less fun than leaving them alive so you can bother them again later.

  56- If you’re causing mayhem out of anger or hate, you’re doing it wrong. It should be funny.

  34- Make sure to stick up for demons. Not all of them are THAT bad, and they can be great allies to the cause of making life a little more interesting.

  Octavia was asleep. Until five minutes ago, when a huge explosion woke her up.

  She was all curled up in her nice little barrel, all stowed away on this ship, ready to emerge at the next port and cause more of her favorite thing- havoc. But that barrel had been thrown every which way, and she was not happy.

  Man. Dad, why’d you send me here? You said there’d be great opportunities for chaos, but I’ve been sitting in a barrel for the last three days! I’m BOOOOOORED.

  The barrel was a tight fit. No matter how much she shifted in an attempt to get a better position, she couldn’t stand it. She wanted to get out, stretch her tentacles, eat whatever trash the sailors left…

  Thankfully, the voices seemed to have calmed down, and she could feel her eyes drooping.

  I suppose I could try to sleep a little longer… I’m TIRED.

  After the boat had finally come to a standstill, Rex staggered to his feet. That device was far more powerful than its size would suggest, and had propelled the boat far out to sea. However, it was in a state of complete disarray. Barrels on the deck were scattered everywhere, the railings were a hairs breadth away from breaking, and everything was soaked.

  We’re lucky to still be above water, after that beating…

  Predictably, his erstwhile compatriots were in the midst of chaos.

  Stephen was busy vomiting off the edge of the boat. “Agh… my fragile constitution can’t take this… and now my suit is ruined… BLECH!!” He collapsed to the deck, seemingly fainted from the strain.

  Celeste was busy praying in the corner. Rex couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, but caught brief bits about needing aid… and fixing her hair. She… can deal with her own delusions, for right now…

  Arandia and Spacey were busy trying to desperately ignore the other, their burgeoning grudge seemingly cooled for the moment. Rex hoped nothing ELSE would set them off.

  Usagi, meanwhile, was totally unconcerned about any of this, leaning against the ship’s helm. Rex approached, dreading what the rabbit would say next.

  “Well, your highness, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we escaped our pursuers…”

  Rex facepalmed. “That much is obvious, yes… what’s the bad news?” He tensed up, waiting for yet another problem in this day full of them.

  “Well, this boat has no cannons, so if any Empire enforcers show up, we’re going to be in deep trouble.”

  He sighed. “Fine. At least we’re safe for now… Now, to business… how do we get back to land?”

  Usagi shifted on his feet, looking a little bit worried. “Um, about that… I don’t know where we are. At all.”

  A long silence ensued. Before Rex could break it himself in an explosion of anger, Arandia did the job for him, groaning loudly. “Oh for fuck’s sake. Now we’re stranded, and have no idea where we are… because of this metal BITCH-”

  Spacey grabbed what little of a shirt Arandia was wearing and yanked her down to her own eye level. “Hey!! I had no idea it would do that!! That was the first time I’ve used it!!”

  “So you literally used an untested magic device, on the boat that WE WERE ON, and didn’t see a problem with that?!"

  “Did YOU have a better plan?!”

  “I’m sure I could’ve come up with one that didn’t involve getting thrown all over the place and LOST!!” Arandia stomped towards her, her hands balled into fists.

  Usagi shrugged. “Oh dear, it appears we already have some infighting. Might want to step in, your highness, before it boils over…”

  Rex was just about to blow a gasket or three. Putting on his best ‘I am royalty and very important’ voice, he bellowed. “SILENCE!!! We have enough to deal with without you both spewing your hot air everywhere! You’re worse than the cleric, which is quite an impressive feat!”

  Thankfully, Celeste was too busy cowering to respond to that. Good. I don’t need a THIRD hysterical fool to deal with…

  Argh! I’m trying to have a sweet nightmare over here!

  Unfortunately, Octavia could not get the rest she was so desperately craving, not in the least because two women nearby were hurling insults at each other. And they didn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon…

  Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! Come ON, some of us are trying to SLEEP around here!

  Octavia didn’t have the energy to get out and blow her cover YET, but if that racket kept up she would. And when she did, she’d be as creepy about it as possible. That tended to get good results.

  Being thrown overboard didn’t matter, she could swim anyway. And breathe underwater.

  Arandia appeared to be cowed by the imperious outburst, grumbling under her breath.

  “Insect butt.”

  “OH, THAT’S IT!” Arandia hauled off and punched the construct in the flat surface that represented a face, but recoiled in pain after the act. Gripping her hand, she grunted in pain. Spacey, meanwhile, was entirely nonplussed by the assault.

  “The heck did you think would happen? I’m made of pure Hihiro’kane, second strongest metal in the world. You could throw me in a volcano and I’d still last longer than you!”

  Arandia gripped her hand. “I could still throw you overboard, you pile of-”

  Before Rex could attempt to separate the seething women phsyically, a webbed hand burst out of a nearby barrel, immediately cutting off the conversation.

  “UgggghhhHHH!! I’m trying to SLEEP. STOP. TALKING. SO. LOUDLY.”

  Oh, not ANOTHER strange person…

  On the one hand, Rex was grateful for the assistance. On the other, he was terrified of what new insanity this person would bring. The mysterious stowaway crawled out of the barrel and onto the deck, grumbling angrily.

  “All those explosions and throwing me all around, you’re RUINING my nightmares!!”

  Her lower half was that of an octopus, with eight long tentacles dragging her out of the compartment. The humanoid top half looked more normal, but not by much. She was clothed in a thick purple robe with a hood, that did absolutely nothing to hide her ample chest. Her eyes… did not look normal, being bright yellow with oddly shaped pupils. Tentacles waved wildly on her head in place of hair, and her skin was bright purple. And she did not look happy to be woken up.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

  “I was having the BEST dream!! It was raining ink, tentacles were bursting out of the ground, and I was pigging out on dead animals!! And then YOU had to wake me up before it was getting to the best part!”

  The octomaid stomped- well, more like ‘slaps her tentacles on the ground while slithering to give the effect of stomping’- over to the arguing women, and crossed her eyes to stare directly at both of them at once.

  “Who ARE you two anyway? And are you DONE? Because if you’re not, I’m gonna squeeze the heck out of you until you are!!”

  Sensing that this could turn ugly, Rex rushed over to intervene. He didn’t need more infighting than there already was on this boat.

  “I… I think we’ve skipped several steps here… who are you, exactly??” Rex stammered, attempting to maintain what little of his dignity remained in the face of this… lunatic.

  “Oh, me? I’m OCTAVIA Z’RATHI, DAUGHTER OF ZARNATH, CHILD OF CHAOS!!”

  Rex could only blink in confusion. I think I feel my migraine coming on again… Zarnath is one of the GODS. How?! What?! Real demigods haven’t been sighted in decades- I- argh!

  Nobody spoke for several seconds. Octavia pouted in frustration. “What? You’re the one who asked!”

  Rex held his head, trying to stave off the stress-induced headache that had been bothering him for the last… several hours, really. “There is… SO much to unpack in that sentence… daughter? Of Zarnath?”

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  “As in, the GOD OF CHAOS?”

  Nodding again, as if what she just said was completely normal. “Yep! Daddy sent me here because apparently some great mayhem would be happening, but all I’ve been hearing is stupid arguments.”

  “Oh my, the mechanics of it must be mind-boggling- OUCH!” Stephen began a tangent, before Arandia’s fierce elbow shut him up.

  We have an actual demigod on this boat!! I don’t care how insane she is, she’d be immensely useful, just think of the power she must have!!

  “Ahem. Would you… be willing to join our party? You see, we could use your… abilities… for my cause-”

  “Uhhhhhh…” Rex could practically hear the gears turning in her head- and they were very rusty. “Are you one of those adventurers who’s gonna complain whenever I do anything? Like… burning down buildings, or breaking people in half, or eating-”

  …this could be a mistake, but against my better judgement… “I don’t think I need to hear the rest of this- but I’m sure we can find outlets for your… um… desires…”

  “Sold! I’m gonna go back to sleep now. I’ll wake up when I’m needed, or not.” Octavia didn’t stay to listen to anything else Rex said, immediately going below deck.

  “Rex, are you sure you should be having HER around??” Celeste said. “She… doesn’t seem like she’s all there…”

  Rex struggled to not chuckle at Celeste of all people saying that. “Her potential power can’t be ignored, she could be a very valuable asset!!”

  “Yeah, but… eh, whatever. If she burns this boat to the ground that’s your problem I guess- wait, is that a ship?”

  Rex whirled around. “A what?!” Celeste was right- another ship was rapidly catching up to theirs, with a bird woman resembling a pheasant at its stern, screeching loudly. “STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINALS!!”

  “Oh, great. An Empire navy ship…” Arandia grumbled. “Great. Just what we needed, an opportunity to get arrested AGAIN.”

  “Oh, for gods’ sake!!” Rex grumbled. “Can’t we get a break?!”

  Usagi, however, looked absolutely terrified. “Oh no. No, no, no, anyone but her!!”

  “USAGI, I KNOW YOU’RE ON THAT BOAT!! GIVE YOURSELF UP OR I CAN’T MAKE ANY PROMISES!!”

  Arandia glared at Usagi, who was shaking. “All right, rabbit, what the fuck did you do?”

  The normally unflappable rabbit had his head in his hands. “It’s my ex, Officer Taka! She’s been chasing me across the world for over a year!!”

  “Oh my! What twists of fate led to your divorce?!” Stephen exclaimed, pulling out a notepad- presumably for research. As always, his priorities were… skewed.

  “First, we were never married. Second, I stole an important object… that she was supposed to be guarding… by…” He sighed. “Getting in her good graces, so to speak.”

  Stephen blushed. “Oh my, how scandalous!!” He immediately started scribbling. “Oh, this will be a great idea to use for later…”

  MORE annoying voices?! Uuuuugh. Can’t these people respect the value of a good nap?!

  Octavia groaned. If these other people were bent on interrupting her rest, she was going to show them that making a spawn of Zarnath angry was a terrible mistake. One that usually tended to end in someone losing their sanity, a limb, or some other intangible concept.

  She lurched out of the bed she’d flopped onto earlier, and staggered towards the deck. Whoever was making that racket would soon have much bigger things to worry about!

  “GIVE YOURSELVES UP, OR WE OPEN FIRE!”

  Quickly turning his attention away from the petty arguing of the other men on the boat, Rex took stock of the situation- unfortunately, there were no cannons on this boat… or any method of offense. At all. He quickly ran over to Spacey, who was still hammering away at the cannon she used earlier.

  “Spacey!! Can you use that thing to blow them away?!”

  Spacey shrugged. “I can’t use it again, the last blast blew out the battery!”

  “Of course. And this ship doesn’t have any weapons. Argh, how are we supposed to get out of this?!”

  As if on cue, Octavia’s annoyed voice rang out from belowdeck, with an eldritch rumble more present with every word.

  “Oh, would you people SHUT UP?! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP IN HERE!!!” Octavia stormed above deck, grabbed a random barrel with her tentacles, and hurled it at the opposing ship!

  Unfortunately, this accomplished very little except riling up their pursuers.

  “OPENING FIRE IT IS!! USAGI, IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE THIS, GET BELOWDECKS!!”

  Stephen turned to Usagi, raising an eyebrow. “Hm. Clearly she still holds some affection-”

  Usagi hid behind Stephen, desperately trying to not freak out. “No, she just can’t give me an earful if I’m dead!!”

  Rex ran over to the annoyed octomaid, his desperation for any way out of this mess. Plainly evident. “Octavia, they’re going to sink our ship!! Can’t you do something?!”

  “Eh? Me? You sure?”

  The last of Rex’s patience bled away, as “YOU’RE A DEMIGOD!! DON’T YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF POWERS?!”

  Octavia rolled her eyes, both of them in different directions. “Oh, of course I do. But are you SURE you’re not going to complain if I use them? Every time I do, people run screaming and wailing, like LOSERS-”

  “JUST USE THEM! GET US OUT OF THIS BEFORE WE ALL DROWN!!” Rex screamed, his voice cracking unflatteringly.

  “Okay. One sec…” After clearing her throat, she began to chant in eldritch tongues, as if her voice was that of an entire choir of profane worshippers!

  “Z???R???A?T???????H??I???? F????????H????_T???????AG??????N_??!???? A?????G?O?????SU?? R???????Y'?L?????A???????H??????!!!” She chanted. “DADDY, BREAK THIS SHIP SO WE MAY ESCAPE!!”

  Five seconds passed, and nothing happened before Octavia spoke up again. “Oh, right, I forgot. PLEASE!”

  Right on cue, a large purple magic circle appeared above the Navy ship, out of which came an enormous red tentacle- which instantly got to work slamming all over the deck and causing absolute mayhem. After which, another one appeared in front of the vessel the party was on, giving it a good shove to send it on its way.

  “Oh, there we go!! Thank you, Daddy!!”

  Rex could barely process what was happening anymore- clearly he was more sheltered than he thought… “What in the gods’ name was that?!”

  “Oh, that’s the Astral Kraken! I can’t tell you his name, otherwise other people would be able to control him. He’s a big softie, aren’t you, cutie?!” In response, the tentacle patted Octavia on the head affectionately, before retreating back into the space hole, which immediately disappeared.

  Nobody could say anything. This was just too weird for everyone, even for the likes of Celeste. Octavia was the only one who didn’t seem to care.

  “Now… I can FINALLY get some sleep! And if ANY OF YOU WAKE ME UP, I WILL CALL HIM TO STRANGLE YOU, THEN EAT YOU, THEN STRANGLE YOU AGAIN!!” She stormed back to the ship’s lower decks in a huff, totally unconcerned with any of the events that just transpired. Rex was at a loss for words for a few moments, but a thought came to him…

  How can anyone so strong be so… so… unhinged?! I don’t know whether I should offer her a job or kick her off the ship, she’s a looser cannon than the artillery on this boat!! …I think I need a nap myself, or at least some alcohol…