Twas the morning of Christmas when all through the town
Not a creature was stirring, not even a clown
Except for, of course, the queen clown of them all
Maven Alice, the demon, still hooked on the mall
She was enraptured by clothes and by books that were free
Tearing through shops with such fervor and glee
She ate such fine foods, drank fruit juice with ice
And raided the game store for fresh maps and dice
Yet as she paraded past shop after shop
Her ears took attention of the strangest backdrop
There was music, she heard, not noticed before
That was set to a truly most terrible score
Mariah Carey, on blast, singing praise of the season
All pumped up with cheer for nary a reason
It seared Allie’s soul, it boiled her blood
And hate filled her heart like a great bursting flood
Alice gnashed and she seethed, “What a terrible sound!
“There must be a way to see that noise drowned!”
Cheshire popped into a view with a hand on her chin
“When,” mused the cat, “did that singing begin?”
Alice hated the holidays, Christ’s Mass most of all
She’d hated it since she was ever so small
Was it trauma, one wonders, or contrarian edge?
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
Perhaps it was both, but her past we won’t dredge
Anymore, say at least, than was already planned
In last book and the next in Act One: Wonderland
She raged and she ranted about what she had heard
But then a thought came to mind and to speech she was spurred
“Wait,” she called out, “now why are we rhyming?
“And just as important, who’s dictating this timing?”
Alice looked ‘round and beheld awful sights
Ornaments, wreaths, and blinking Christmas lights
The whole mall was ablaze with holiday cheer
But Alice the Scrooge looked on with a sneer
"This situation is fucked, and I know who’s to blame
"It’s Nyara, that ass, with yet another sick game!"
“She’s done it this time, she’s gone too far I say!
“All the stockings and singing and bells of a sleigh!
“I hate it, I hate it, I hate Christmas the most!
“I’d scream it aloud to every Christmas movie ghost!”
Then came a new sound that rose from below
From the mall’s first floor came a hearty “Ho ho ho!”
Alice rushed to the railing and gripped it knuckles white
And saw yet another horrid holiday fright
It was Santa, oh yes, a fake mall Santa Claus
And at last Alice realized this broke setting laws
“It’s not real, it can’t be,” she said to the cat
“It’s too silly and stupid to take just at that!
“God’s cruel and a troll, always pulling our yokes
“But would she ruin her setting for a bunch of cheap jokes?”
"If it's non-canon, let's fuck!" the catgirl insisted
For her Christmas wish was to be firmly fisted
"No, sex is cringe," said the cringe demon doll
"Now get in my shadow, we're leaving the mall."
So they rushed from the mall and out to the street
Where snow fell from the sky and laid a soft white sheet
Maven’s heart, cold and black, nearly warmed at the sight
But she clung to her hatred and her petty, grumpish spite
The whole city was festive, overflowing with merry
But that just made Alice ever more wary
She raced to the temple, to the Myriad’s tree
And found something worse: a decorating spree
Christmas had claimed it, from bottom to top
And the horrors of Christmas would simply not stop
Inside were gathered a most unlikely array
Artificers and imps and even the fae
They were smiling and feasting like they’d always been friends
Like they hadn’t tried to bring each other dark, grisly ends
They offered gifts and warm tidings, a place at the table
A roast beast to cut, like out of a fable
And at last with a sigh the demoness relented
To attending this banquet she found most demented
"I will devour God and sit on her throne
“Now silence the music and pass me that scone."
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