Nanoc and his friends edged their way slowly down the spiral staircase. Rotcel' Loc was several steps in front, her eyes looking for any trap or trigger that would reveal their stealthy approach. Not that it took traps to stop them: Dren's eyes grew large when he saw the intricate carvings on the stairwell, and he started taking notes right away. He was halfway through filling a notebook before Nanoc noticed and turned back to get him.

  "But these are fascinating," Dren protested.

  He'd summoned a ball of glowing light to better see the inscriptions.

  "Can you see here? These inscriptions are truly ancient. They must predate the manor by many years. Look here, these lines tell the story of how the goddess Chaos rebelled against the gods—"

  "Gods," Rotcel 'Loc groaned from further down the stairs. She knew how Dren could be when faced with the temptation of ancient knowledge.

  "And Chaos leading her army of mortals against the heavens… and this part, about the murder of Essence… although here it says she attacked Chaos rather than the more canonical version of—"

  "Dren? The vampire?" Nanoc prompted.

  "Yes, yes. But do you know, this is most interesting! This version is heretical to the empire, and—"

  "Dren! The vampire!"

  Dren dropped his pencil, stooping to pick it back up. He turned back to the inscriptions, but Nanoc reached up, took the pencil, and snapped it. Dren patted his pockets, looking for another, when he saw Nanoc's expression.

  "Oh, all right. Do you know, I'll come back to make notes later. What are we doing with the vampire?" Dren said, staring at the walls. "Interviewing him about these carvings?"

  "Killing him, Dren!"

  Dren blinked a few times, then he turned away from the carvings, regret in his eyes.

  "Right. Right. Of course. So do you think there might be time to interview him first, or—"

  "Do you have Death's hair?" Rotcel' Loc whispered, sneaking back to her friends.

  "Got it," Nanoc said, holding out the thin hair like a knife. "This should be easy."

  "And are you sure this will work?"

  "No."

  "This plan is terrible," Rotcel 'Loc muttered, although she hadn't thought of a better one - unless running away counted.

  They reached the final turn in the stairs and, peeking around, they could see that the stairway opened into a large cavern. The vampire was at the far end, sitting on a throne of carved black stone that stood head and shoulders above an army of slavering ghouls and lean, pale accountants. It was not so strange to see accountants in the cavern's depths – their class generally served Profit, third born of the second generation of gods, god of taking advantage. The agents of Profit could be found wherever there was gold and vampires were rich.

  Nanoc didn't even pause at the sight of the skinny accountants and their abaci.

  "Do it!" he said to Dren.

  "Well, are you sure? It's still a bit experimental."

  This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

  "Do it before the vampire sees us!" Rotcel hissed.

  "Right," Dren said. "Are you ready? Gnome shot!"

  A huge magical hand formed around Nanoc, picked the gnome up, and flung him forward like a missile. He soared over the ranks of ghouls and bean counters, holding the hair of Death in his hand like a sword before him. Dren's magical throw was perfect - Nanoc landed on the vampire's chest and grabbed the villain's collar. He held the hair of Death like a tiny spear and stabbed the vampire right in the neck with it.

  "Take that!" Nanoc shouted victoriously. "Gnome-ageddon!"

  There was a moment of perfect stillness. Silence. Even the dust in the air seemed frozen in place. The hair bent. The vampire did not die. Instead, he grabbed the gnome and held Nanoc before him at arm's length as if he were inspecting a sewer rat.

  "Didn’t I kill you already?” the vampire asked, surprised. “Take a hint, gnome!”

  He flung Nanoc back towards the stairs with far more force than Dren’s gnome-shot had provided. The vampire had meant it to be a killing blow, and it nearly was. Nanoc flew headfirst towards the stone stairs. He had nearly reached them when Dren muttered a spell.

  “Ytsats Mallowfy!” the elf shouted desperately.

  The stones glowed white, and when Nanoc landed on them he bounced on soft sugary goodness of marshmallow instead of bone-breaking stone. He slid down to the ground, spitting out bits of fluffy mallow, and hit the ground, rolling towards his friends. Rotcel ‘Loc put a foot out, stopping the gnome. She didn’t help him up.

  “Do you know, that didn’t work at all,” Dren pointed out.

  Followers of Knowledge always helped by pointing out the obvious. That’s why they had trouble making new friends – or one of the reasons, anyway.

  “And now the vampire knows that we are here,” Rotcel ‘Loc added. “So… can we run now?”

  It was too late. A snake made of bones burst out of the darkness, sliding up the wall and onto the stairs behind them, cutting off their escape. The snake seemed endless. It circled them, forming a wall of ever-moving bones that trapped them.

  “Well… this is… most… WONDERFUL!” the snake shouted. “This is… PERFECTION! This… is… POETRY!”

  Nanoc shuddered. He hated poetry.

  “Wait, that voice is familiar. Don’t we know you?” Dren called out.

  “I… will… CRUSH YOU!”

  “Mary’s little lamb,” Dren and Rotcel said at once, nodding.

  “Not… ANYMORE!”

  The wall of bones grew taller, the snake winding around them at great speed. There were no gaps in the bones and no escape. The snake constricted and grew closer until they were in danger of being crushed by it.

  “Didn’t you say you had a plan for this?” Dren said, nudging Nanoc.

  “A plan? No, that doesn’t sound like me.”

  Rotcel yelped as a spur of bone caught her across the face. She stepped backward, but there were bones on every side.

  “Do you know, you definitely said something about having a way to deal with this monster,” Dren said reproachfully. "I certainly would not have come all this way if the only plan we had was shooting you!”

  “Shooting me should have worked,” Nanoc grumbled. “Let’s try it again and see—”

  “Nanoc!”

  “Oh, all right. Here goes nothing!”

  He held his middle finger up into the air – the classic sign of a Chaos ritual – and used his newest and most dangerous ability.

  “Hello, old fiend!” he screamed.

  Hello, old fiend

  You may summon a random monster you have previously defeated to join your fight… but on whose side? They might help you. They might eat you. They might ignore you. There is only one way to find out.

  This sounds like a bad idea.

  There was a burst of ragged red energy above him. The light formed a circle, a portal. There was the sense of a distant land opening up and Nanoc’s eyes popped from the change in pressure.

  An enormous, webbed foot emerged from the portal and flailed around for a few seconds, finding no grip. A moment later, a gigantic toad plopped out of the portal and fell to the ground with a thump that shook the manor like an earthquake, shattering the wall of bones around Nanoc and his friends. Everyone in the room reacted at once.

  “GLUP!” the newcomer roared, kicking out at the bones. “GLUP!”

  “What… is… THAT!” demanded the beast of bones as it retreated from the stairs and back to its master.

  “Oh, no!” Rotcel groaned, and Dren dropped his pencil.

  “A toad?” the vampire hissed. “You threaten me with a toad?”

  But this was not just any toad, nor just any old fiend. Nanoc had summoned the massive Boss Bane Toad, GLUP!, who was furious at being dragged from his ancestral forests and looking to hurt whoever was closest. He was so large that his head rubbed on the cavern’s ceiling. GLUP! gave a roar so loud that even the vampire winced. The toad pawed the ground in anger.

  He turned one enormous eye on Nanoc.

  “GLUP!” he demanded.

  “Hi!” Nanoc said cheerfully. “I—"

  GLUP! shot out an enormous purple tongue that wrapped itself around Nanoc. The toad pulled Nanoc into his mouth and bit down on his waist, leaving him dangling in the air like a gnome lollipop.