The world around me was rather different than anything I’ve seen in person. The deep orange sun battered me with heat and the grass was a deep, rich blue-violet that grew in long, willowy strands, and the land in the distance was nearly untouched by human life, besides long, enormous, broken arches sticking out of the ground. Some parts of the land jutted in terraces like a staircase meant for giants, and others were sections of flat prairie and smooth, rolling hills covered in dense forest. Then, behind me there was the unmistakable half-hollowed out buildings of an almost obliterated metropolis the size of Atlanta. All the while I stood in the ruins of a two-story building on the edge of town still trying not to shit myself.

  I gave the minifigure corpse a second glance and groaned. I didn’t just need to eat it, I needed to eat most of it. But, I didn’t want to get any diseases, I mean hell, I ate one experimental bite of the thing and I could almost feel the parasites crawling through my body, good news though, I knew how to make a fire.

  First things first, however, I slung the corpse over my shoulder and popped it in the corner of the ruined building– the remains of the first floor ceiling providing a miniscule amount of relief in the shade. I’d need to move fast. First, I waddled out the ruined building to find myself in an abandoned, almost quaint thoroughfare. It looked like the kind of place you’d see in a movie about a murderous vampire turning a bunch of small-town assholes into his minions ‘cause for some reason he thought it’d be best to set up in Cumberland County, Maine.

  One of the buildings caught my eye, ‘cause even though the small town looked like it’d had been at the business end of the tsar bomba, this crumbling orange building still had glass windows. So naturally, I punched one of them as hard as I could, shattering the glass with my bare hand, and taking a large square shard and a thin, long one. Easy as pie.

  Step one, complete.

  Next I turned towards the nearest tree, which was dead as a doornail, and used my new-found strength to rip off a couple of large branches, three large strips of bark, a particularly thick piece of the trunk, and some kindling.

  From then on it was like I could do it by rote. Making the fire had some fuck-ups since my sphincter muscles were holding on for dear life. But all I had to do after getting the kindling and branches ready was hold the square piece of glass up to the sun until the kindling began to sizzle. Then as the fire began to burn, I started to prepare the meal.

  While the minifig had tasted like venison and crab, which is a bizarre combination, and that pattern continued while I prepared the creature for cooking. While forced to adhere to minifigure design, it had little segments where the muscles could move more freely. Unfortunately, it was like The System didn’t quite understand that partially fusing the anatomical concepts of multiple creatures didn’t work, so the shell, which mimics hard plastic well enough, cracked when the minifigure tried to use its arm or leg joints, and a thin, humanoid skeleton helped it despite the exo-skeleton. Overall, it was a disgusting, confused little abomination and there was no doubt in my mind that it would’ve been in extreme pain if it weren’t for the lack of any sort of visible nervous system. I chucked the torso and head, keeping the legs and arms, and threw them on top of the cinders.

  I’d hate to admit it, as just the thought of eating anything relatively humanoid made me sick to my stomach, but at some point they started smelling delectable. As the hours passed and the sun began to set, I started feeling complete and utter exhaustion, like my very own skeleton was weighing me down.

  Then something moved, I jumped, fists up in a butchered boxing stance, immediately gasping for air, looking around like a corner wild animal— I couldn’t kill any more of these things. I just couldn’t. I prepared to get ready to flee… then I saw them. Two other people. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel any more safe.

  The taller of the two, who had been walking blankly towards the fire– the woman– stumbled back as she finally noticed me and the guy froze as she nearly fell back into his arms.

  “Shhh-fuck!” He yelled.

  “S-sorry.” She said to no one in particular, getting herself under control.

  The man and I looked at each other for a minute, and I lowered my fists. He nodded.

  “Yeah, no worries. You just scared me.” I said, not quite relaxing. These could be mimics or something for all I know, had to air on the side of caution. I swore to myself in that awkward silence– in profound seriousness– that if either of them were named Zorgblat or some shit, I smear their brains all over the wall.

  In false cheer, I introduced myself, “name’s Guillermo.”

  The woman cracked a slight smile, “Irene, nice to meet you… hombre.”

  That turned my smile a bit more genuine for a moment, it was just so unexpected and with that thick accent– Greek maybe? I even let out a little giggle.

  She responded in a spacey, slow laugh of her own, which broke whatever tension there was.

  “Sorry about that, kid.” The guy, who was a bit shorter than me, rubbed his fingers through his thick ginger hair. He didn’t move forward and he grabbed Irene by the arm whenever she tried to move towards the fire. “She got bit by one of those lego guys.”

  “--Minifigures.” I cut in without thinking.

  “What?”

  “Huh?” I pretended I didn’t say anything.

  He gave me a dubious look and continued, “apparently they make you loopy.”

  Oooh. I can’t believe I’m gonna do this. I showed him my leg. “Me too. I think they have different effects, I’ve been holding in the worst of it. Did it look like that?”

  I pointed to the pile of minifigure guts and body parts. He waved his head side-to-side, “ours had green shirts and long fangs.”

  “Okay. Well, the system told me that eating mine will cure me. Maybe yours’ll do the same.”

  Apparently, that wasn’t an option. “No good. I atomized those fuckers.”

  I whistled, and my shoulders slumped as I looked at Irene’s puppy dog eyes. “Well, looks like we’ll have to share.”

  ***

  We all had a limb each, and split the fourth evenly. I learned that day that there wasn’t anything that made you more hungry than a fight. Cooking the limbs enhanced the cure affect, immediately removing my urge to shit. It didn’t completely cure Irene of whatever was going on there, but it did help, with her mostly sobering up, and nearly passing out immediately. I didn’t try to keep her awake, though Callum was occasionally poking her.

  The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  “Thanks again, by-the-by. Needs some garlic butter, though.” Callum yawned.

  I shrugged, it did need some garlic butter. Or Cajun seasoning. “We gotta do what we gotta do. Sometimes that means helping people.”

  “Ha! My priest would’ve loved you.”

  “Catholic?” I looked at his red hair.

  He beat his chest with his fist, “Heavenly Savior, Basketball Coach, best in the Archdiocese of Boston.”

  I laughed, “please don’t tell me I’m breaking bread with a walking stereotype.”

  He lifted his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Larry Bird meditating like the Buddha on his belly.

  I rolled up my sleeve and showed him a tattoo of my own, three lines that said: ‘The Lord had two sons, one saved us from our sins, another saved the Spurs.’

  I winked, “drunken bet. But you don’t need to be drunk to tell the truth.” It’s odd what a day of risking your life makes you say and reveal, but there you go.

  He roared with laughter, which shocked Irene awake.

  “Sorry, ‘Rene.” He said bashfully.

  She smiled. Her expression didn’t have the same whistful spaceyness as before. Now it was burdened and tired, even after a deep sleep.

  “That’s fine. I did not, eh… dream well.”

  We sobered at that. None of us would for a long time. Callum diverted attention away from that immediately, and squared it on me.

  “Our new friend here was about to tell me about himself.”

  “I’ve lived in Montgomery for a while,” I said, “Moved there for a job and didn’t think about leaving. Didn’t even like the place– I don’t think I’ll complain about that shithole for a long time.”

  “I feel ya, it’s strange, knowing if I’ll ever go back home to the best city in the world,” Callum said, taking a drag from a waterskin.

  The endless chatter seemed not to interest her, and she switched the subject to a different matter– a much more worrying one. “Have you met anymore of these creatures, Guillermo?”

  I shook my head, “I don’t think there are any more around. Maybe we were just given one today as part of the Tutorial? Did you use your tutorial tokens to ask?”

  “No. I used all three trying to decipher this “base card” and “deck” business. It was quite unhelpful, as you can imagine.”

  “Yeah, by the way, what were yours?”

  They looked at each other, then looked at me. Ah right. They wouldn’t want to share first.

  “I got Tank.”

  Callum grinned ear-to-ear, “I got Battle Mage. It’s crazy shit, kid. I’m a regular Dumble-a-dor. She’s a Duelist, whatever that means.”

  “Really? Did y’all’s come with any abilities?” Callum nodded, and Irene shook her head.

  Interesting, magic base cards may come with spells, and simpler ones like melee did not. I didn’t know how specific the Base Cards were, but Tank, Duelist, and Battle Mage would be considered subclasses in typical RPGs. I started to zone out as I considered the probability of surviving this mess when a prompt popped up.

  —

  [END OF DAY WRAP UP: DAY 1!]

  A tutorial-exclusive feature, END OF DAY WRAP UP forces you to look at previously unchecked achievements, cards and bonuses as notifications are silenced when in fights or conversations as default. Additionally, while The System tries to find an opportune automatic pop-up opportunity (OAPO) if it is unsuccessful, this will automatically pop up (turning off this feature is available to premium users only.)

  [Achievement Unlocked!]

  [The Kind Gourmand]

  Despite being a fat idiot, you cooked a disgusting creature until it was safe to consume, then you provided it to those in need. Not only that, but you were the first to do so in your Tutorial Instance and you were the ninth person to achieve this in your whole universe. To keep the effect of this card, you must continue to cook experimental items for yourself and others. (If this achievement is maintained, it can become a Special Trait!)

  Effect: You are now more resistant to poison and venom, though not immune. You also have increased proficiency with shortswords and knives.

  Rarity: Rare

  [Card Gained!]

  [Conditional Dysentery]

  Steel isn’t the only way to win wars, some win it with poison, others win it with disease. Channel your inner Janibeg, Ruler of the Golden Horde, and father of biological warfare. Just don’t end up being assassinated by your greedy heir, and helping spread a deadly plague that ends up wiping out a third of the world’s population.

  Effect: Whenever you cut someone with your blade, they have a 2% chance of getting dysentery, this chance increases by 2% with every attack. This effect lasts 14 hours. Additionally, you are not allowed to retreat or take a step back while this card is activated, doing so will nullify the effect of the card and clear the effect. Stand proud, or don’t stand at all!

  Rarity: Rare

  This card has too high of a rating on the [Interesting Index] to be ignored, as such it is automatically added to your deck. It may be removed when you have a card of equal rarity to replace it.

  —

  For a moment, I was angry, but attention turned to a much more concerning issue.

  Fireworks lit up the sky, exploding, and coming together like a Van Gogh painting, until it formed a giant smiling face of a blonde man in an ascot with a horrible bowl cut.

  “HEEELLOOO EARTH!”

  The sky vibrated with his voice.

  “CONGRATULATIONS ON SURVIVING DAY ONE OF THE TUTORIAL!” He put his hand on his cheek, “Well, most of you. A lot less than most actually.”

  He stopped himself. “Anyway, you all should have your bearings by now. At least four cards, a weapon, Level 2…”

  I think we all began to panic when he said that. I did not meet the requirements at all.

  “Now, I present to you, your first quest!”

  As he said that, a button prompt popped up.

  [Accept/Decline]

  “Your goal is to reach level 10 in eight days. You can gain levels from fighting, lots of fighting. And crafting or whatever.” He waved that away like it didn’t need to be explained, “There’s only one problem kids, there’s not enough XP to go around! There is no possible way all of you can get to level 10. Get it? Good!”

  He pulled out a note card made from the same fireworks from the jacket pocket of his purple pinstripe suit.

  “Fear not, petty mortal!” he said, reading the card, “for there is one way to guarantee your ascension. You can go to the Dungeon!”

  There was a flash and a giant pyramid appeared in the sky.

  “On day six, the Dungeon will appear in a random location, and whichever group controls the dungeon will be able to ascend into it and they will be given the chance to reach level 10 and beyond! Now, you have one minute to accept the quest, otherwise you die.” He bowed, “and now, I wish you adieu.”

  Before even thinking about it, I pressed accept.

  “Who the fuck was that?!” Callum screamed.

  I ignored him and called up the quest screen.

  —

  [Tutorial Quest (1/8) - Call to Adventure!]

  Objectives:

  Reach Lvl 10

  Survive (optional)

  —

  1/8? There was no way I was going to survive this.