Journal 4

  Sol 32

  It rained for the first time on this cursed rock.

  It was a heavy rain that nearly caused a sludge-like mudslide on our ships. Luckily, my fighter had just enough power to use the emergency anchors to hold it down and James’ fighter was hooked to mine with a titanium cable. We both had to take turns manually anchoring his fighter’s landing gear in an arduous and painfully annoying process. It got done, but at a cost. James’ laser rifle was washed away and our initial fire and cooking area was washed away as well. As a result, we both became forever sand and dirt covered.

  Despite the rain and hardships with it, there was a spiritual beauty to found across the dunes. Lighting struck down in a brilliant display. Ball lightning formed as it struck the sand with a red flash as if the demon of Hrack was battling Golo in heaven. It was both magnificent and terrifying in ways my words cannot properly describe. I stood outside in the heaping rain watching this natural wonder with an intense curiosity and wonder.

  I found myself as a youngling once again listening to my father’s stories of the universe. He would always find the time to tell me tales of the things he saw as a freighter pilot. For that minuscule moment, I missed him. But the tenant forbade this feeling. I wanted to cry.

  James walked up to me and asked, “Can’t look away?”

  “No.”

  “Same.”

  “It’s…”

  “Beautifully scary yet awesome.”

  “Yes,” I said softly.

  I’m glad it was raining and my helmet covered my entire face and neck. I did not want James to see me cry. This is an admission of failure to uphold the Tenet I swore as a soldier and officer. Yet, I felt I was okay with breaking it. I looked over at James and was amazed he was shirtless watching this entire thing. He had a soft smile and child-like eyes of wonder. I believe he felt the same as I was feeling. Despite the rain, he openly cried and admitted it.

  James explained, “Never thought I would see such a thing… As a space marine pilot… You would think you will see wonders like this, but… You see only the harshest of planets and the same empty blackness as you carefully maneuver to attack an enemy vessel or dodge enemy plasma missiles… Even on the two planets I have been on, none ever looked this breathtaking… Ironic isn’t it?”

  “Hmm?”

  “A desolate, desert planet with some water and ocean with harsh creatures and an unforgiving landscape produces the most awesome display of nature.”

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  “Yeah,” I whispered to myself turning my head back to look at the red lightning storm. I don’t know why but I told James, “My father… Used to tell tales of these wonders to put me to sleep when I was a youngling.”

  “Really?”

  “I just wanted to see the universe like my father before me… Not kill. Not in this war.”

  “Yeah,” James sighed. “I wish I could tell my wife and daughter about days like today.”

  “Maybe you will.”

  “Only a maybe,” he said turning around and walking back to the ships. I stayed out there watching the distant storm.

  Each crack reminded me of the plasma canons firing upon the human mega-city of Alexandria on the human colonized planet Faith. It was my first mission. It felt like it was yesterday. It was actually 5 Earth years (4 Dyglo in Thorg) ago for me, but probably around a hundred and two Earth years due to time dilation (Roughly 100 Dyglo in Thorg). The humans were not as well-equipped as us at the time. They had no plasma or laser capabilities at the time. Only rail guns and slug-throwing weapons of black powder.

  Primitive savagery was the main course for fighting during that mission. "No mercy" was the order from the Council. I still hear the human civilians screaming. I felt nothing at the time thinking of them, more or less, as vermin. But as the war dragged on and my mastery of the human language and history continued, the more I began to understand and feel empathy for them. It is not their fault that they are so behind us in technology. Our species was just more advanced. In a war that was started due to a misunderstanding, we created a worse enemy. An enemy that will not relent or quit no matter how many victories we have made. No matter how many planets we conquered and destroyed. They will always fight back.

  I was taught and indoctrinated to believe the humans are like an infectious vermin that multiply rapidly like a flesh eating disease. It wasn’t until I earned my captain rank and was exposed to learn of the more classified nature of humans, that I got learn the truth of them. A shadow guardsman talked to me in private about the things that make humans so deadly and why they will never quit. It baffled me and I thought this guardsman was insane speaking against the Tenet of The Council.

  Humans fight because of fear, survival, or any basic instinct. They love and have compassion like any other intelligent and civilized species. In fact, we are no more better or worse than the humans in a sense. It was during my third year of being a captain did I began to feel pity and empathy for humans. I began to see myself in them. I surmise this is due to me fully grasping their language. The ones I interrogated all gave me the same feeling afterwards: understanding with empathy.

  I never felt proud of killing one from then on. I always found myself remembering and crying over them.

  In fact, I began to dream of their deaths and wonder what their lives were like before I took their souls away. What families and loved ones they had back on their planets. Their backgrounds, interests, and so forth. That’s when the nightmares started.

  The Echoing Chamber of Solace aboard every ship for officers only was the best way of coping with these esoteric feelings. For at my rank, emotion must be suppressed and logic must outweigh everything. However, our species understands the need to express these feelings. It is unnatural to rid oneself of it. The chambers were where one like me can cry and scream in peace without anyone knowing or hearing. But on this desert planet I find myself in, I cry in my sleep every night and so does James. He screams and I understand. He hears me cry and never makes a fuss about it. I guess it is safe to say, I have more in common with a human than I thought.

  I do wonder what nightmares he has. I know mine. I can only assume we have the same... War.

  I just hope we manage to safely get off of this rock and back to our home planets with the war over…

  I hope.