Chapter 2 - A stain on the canvas
That night, a dream disturbed my sleep: I was in the orphanage, but everything was slightly different, from the shaky walls, up to the crosses in the rooms, which had inexplicably vanished.
My body felt out of control, like someone was moving it for me.
I got up. I was tall, much taller than usual.
The room was empty, except for two beds and several items on the shelves.
No rugs, no curtains: everything was kept to a minimum.
The door opened with a muffled sound. I panted. My heart was beating fast, almost like it was about to burst.
I got out in the dark corridor. It was night time.
“Run! Run!” My mind kept saying. “They will take him!”.
The light of several candles brightened up the stairs.
“Why is there no electric lighting?” I thought while descending.
Sounds were getting louder, but I still couldn’t tell a single one of them apart from the others.
I stood on the corner of the stairs, then looked left and right on the corridor that was in front of me: no one was to be seen.
Coming from a door, one sound really dominated the others: someone was screaming in agony.
Only one thought crossed my mind “They tricked us, but I won’t let them take him”.
As I opened the door, immense darkness blinded me.
Everything went silent. I was alone now.
?Elias! Elias! Wake up!? Leo shook me, immensely preoccupied.
I sat there for a second, then I hugged him tightly, weeping like I just lost someone.
?It’s okay, Elias. It was just a nightmare.? His hand caressed my head.
Yeah... that's what it was. I sighed.
It all felt so real, yet, none of the details made sense. That nightmare had shown me a lot, but there was no way any of that actually happened.
?I’m okay now… Thanks? I let him go.
It was dark outside, and rain was knocking on the window like a ghostly hand. The only light inside the room was that of Leo’s flashlight, which he rarely used.
?Were you reading something?? I asked, glancing over at his bed, where the flashlight was still turned on.
?I was.. Only writing? He said, hiding a small piece of paper behind his back.
?Writing what? Lemme see..? I moved, trying to snatch the piece of paper from his hand.
Leo retracted, making me fall headfirst into my sheets.
?S-Sorry.. Are you okay?? His voice trembled.
No answer came from me.
?Elias?? His tone was growing more worried as I kept giving no answer.
?I-I'm sorry. Leave me alone, okay?? He said, getting back to his bed.
I kept my head buried in the sheets: I wasn't going to look at him.
Leo never had any secrets with me. Ever. So what was it behind his back, that he couldn’t let me read?
I coughed a little, tears falling from my eyes. But before my good friend could try to do something about it, we heard a knock at the door.
?What is this commotion, kids?? Said the voice, which we instantly recognized as Brother Matthias’.
?Nothing, Brother. We.. we just saw a spider.? Leo got up and opened the door.
He... tensed up.
His behaviour looked staged, like he was performing for an audience.
?Should I take care of it?? He asked, with that flawless smile he always had when talking to the kids.
?No, I did it already.?
?Did you kill it?? He asked, with a strange interest in his voice.
?Of course not. "God does not forgive murder."? He recited.
Brother Matthias looked pleased by that answer, grinning from ear to ear; but, as soon as he noticed his change of expression, he reverted to his normal, emotionless, smile.
?Oh, sweet child. Killing for a reason is no sin for our good God, but your kind heart is to be highly thought of.?
?Now, go back to sleep children, for the morning prayer will be in four hours.? He added, closing the door behind him.
We went back to sleep, and only woke up in the morning. Leo’s face was sleepy, almost as if he had been up all night.
One of the Sisters knocked on each door to tell us all to get dressed.
We gathered around the small fountain in which we had to shower every morning. Rain was still falling heavily, but we had to perform that ritual regardless of the weather.
?Yes, good job children! The tears of our God will also help cleaning your hearts.? Said the Sister excitedly, while the raindrops were wetting her veil, making it fall flat on her hair.
I waited in line, as each of the children was dipping their face in the ice-cold water.
“To purify your thoughts” they said, but it felt more like a meaningless punishment than a blessing.
When my turn came, I dipped my face without a second thought. I couldn’t avoid it.
Taking out my face, I gasped for air. Water poured into my lungs, making me cough like I had just survived drowning.
We were welcomed back with a towel each, clearly insufficient to dry ourselves.
?You should take a deep breath before putting your face there.? Max said- towel wrapped around his long hair.
?They took you out.? I mumbled, still taking breaths in between the words.
?Yeah, this morning.? He stopped, unwrapping his towel and putting it on his face.
?Time’s up? He whispered, with his face covered.
One of the Brothers walked towards us to gather some wet towels, helping some of the children dry their clothes.
My gaze instinctively looked for Leo, but he was nowhere to be found.
?Go back to your rooms and get a change of clothes? The Brother ordered.
All of the kids got swarmed into the corridor, but before I could follow them, the Brother called for me.
?Oh, Elias!? He called me over with a sign of his hand ?Sister Melody asked me to get a kid to help with folding the laundry. Mind helping out??
I nodded reluctantly.
"Why me?" I thought "I wanna get changed, too".
Of course, I didn't voice any of those thoughts.
I joined the Sisters, who were folding the dry clothes together with a few of the Brothers.
As soon as I arrived, a blonde woman welcomed me with a warm smile.
?Elias, dear!? She rubbed my head. ?Thanks for helping us out?
Sister Melody was pretty much a mother to all of us: beautiful, kind, and warmer than anybody else. She always remembered the names of everybody, and treated especially well those who didn't really fit in with the group.
?I-It's nothing, Sister Melody.? I looked at the ground, with my cheeks turning red.
While we were folding the clothes, she would occasionally chat with me about random topics.
?I'm glad.? She said, out of the blue.
?Huh??
Her eyes were half closed, like she was thinking about something that saddened her.
?I see most of you kids are growing up well. I'm glad you still see us like we are.?
That was so...random. What was she talking about?
?It's just that, as kids grow, they start seeing adults in a different light.? She explained.
I took two of her fingers in my hand, smiling.
?I will always trust you, mo- Sister!?
She was apparently too deep in thoughts to notice my gaffe.
?Some things may make you doubt that this is the right path? Her voice went lower, almost like she was warning me.
?But I only need to listen to you, right??
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Her expression got softer.
?Right.? She patted me on the head- her sweet strawberry scent invaded my nostrils.
The intense scent tickled my nose.
?I-I... Achoo?
?Alright! Alright!? She giggled, picking up yet another shirt from the pile. ?We can manage on our own now. Go change your clothes and eat breakfast, before you catch a cold.?
I smiled and waved at everyone.
The dining hall was still cold, barely warming up from the tubes running beneath the floor.
Before our food was served, I asked to go to the bathroom: I wanted to search for Leo. Why wasn’t he sitting with me, like he always used to do?
The Sister warned me that the food would’ve been served briefly, but I was too focused to listen.
I looked around the room quickly while i left: no sign of my friend.
The corridor outside was so empty that I could hear the echo of my own steps while going to the bathroom.
I ran the water and drank a little bit, then sat down on the cold floor.
Seven: that’s how many spider webs I counted. And each had five to eight insects trapped in them.
I had definitely spent enough time counting them. It was time to head back.
?I didn’t like what you did yesterday, Matthias.? Said an angry voice from outside.
?It’s BROTHER Matthias, Brother Julius.? Corrected another one, with a much calmer tone.
?Don’t treat me like a novice, alright?!? His voice was angry, yet he kept his tone low, almost like he feared being heard.
?Then don’t act like one. You cannot act like that in front of the children.?
Through the keyhole, I saw Brother Julius standing right in front of Brother Matthias, looking at him with a murderous gaze.
?I don't care if you want to become the next Father; but don’t get in my way, Matthias. This is a warning.?
?For the last time: it’s BROTHER Matthias, okay?? He asked, looking down at him with the coldest eyes I had ever seen.
I jumped back. That gaze almost felt like it was directed to me, although he surely had no idea I was there. Or, well… not before I made noise.
I felt the sound of feet coming towards me.
I needed to hide. But where? He surely would have checked everywhere. I was trapped.
The handle of the door started lowering. I was going to get scolded, I knew that.
The fear I felt, though, was much more intense than it should have been. Was it for that gaze, which I had seen earlier?
I was about to voluntarily come out and apologize for peeping, when a feminine voice came from outside.
?Brother Matthias. The Father wants to see you.?
The handle got back up.
?Thanks, Sister.? Said Brother Matthias, then I heard them all leaving.
I stood there in the corner for a couple of minutes. My heart was racing like never before.
I opened the door, pretending nothing happened. My hands, deep inside my pockets, were still trembling.
Sitting at my table, alone, I took a sip of the luke-warm milk, served with a piece of toasted bread with some jam on it.
I could have probably drunk vinegar with sardines and I wouldn’t have noticed.
That cold gaze sculpted in my mind... Had Brother Matthias always been that scary?
I could not remember a single instance in which he gave me reasons to fear him, aside from what had happened just now; yet, I was afraid of him more than I was of Brother Julius.
We got out of the dining room, and went straight to chant our morning prayer.
Sitting on the cold, hard wooden bench, we joined our hands and waited for the Sister to initiate.
?We thank you, our God, for blessing us with a new day.? She started, and we followed like nothing more than echoes bouncing off the walls.
?You are perfection, and we are imperfect fragments of you. Yet, in your holy compassion, you give us the means to improve.?
We all repeated her words, like they were ours. I was unsure if either of us even believed in them, or if we were just taught that those were the things we should have believed in.
?May you purify our hearts, and clear our minds of impure thoughts.? She concluded, standing up with her hands still joined.
We all went out of the chapel, ready to play, but the Brothers and Sisters were waiting for us, with troubled looks.
?Stand here for a second, kids. It will be fast.? Said the Sister that brought us out of the chapel.
Brother Matthias stood in front of them all, awaiting for the kids to get quiet, so he could start talking.
?Things like these are never easy to say.? He started, with a pained look.
Silence followed. For a few seconds, we all looked at eachother, uncertain of what they were going to tell us.
?But your friend, Daniel, who fell sick yesterday, has passed away this morning?
That news dropped on me like an anvil on my head.
"Wasn't he resting?" I thought, feeling like the Brothers had lied to us.
No noise from the crowd. No reaction. I heard some of the kids whispering to each other, but nothing more.
Some of them were clearly uninterested, while others seemed puzzled about how they should've reacted.
Only one kid, Max, was staring at the floor- his fist clenched in anger.
?But be glad!? Continued Brother Matthias.
?For your friend is going to soon reach our God!?
The clapping hands raised, clearly changing mood from the indifference previously shown.
Right! He had completed his path towards God!
I remembered Sister Melody's words: I was growing up, and I needed to be careful of how I saw things, or I'd leave the path of God.
I raised my hands and slowly started clapping. It was the right thing to do.
Max was standing still, his fist now even tighter and his teeth so closed together that they could've broke at any moment.
?Now, kids, lets have a minute of silence for his soul.?
We all pressed our hands together, praying in silence for the departed.
A a few moments, we were all allowed to go. I quietly got up and went to the library to read a book. Not much to play with anyway, since outside was still raining.
The corridors were quiet as always: Brothers and Sisters rarely got out of the rooms where the kids were, so I barely saw any of them passing by.
I entered the library that was opened for us kids, and was not surprised to see it completely empty. No kid would willingly spend their free time reading, after all.
The place was a quite big, square room, located on two floors, with small shelves filled with books all over the place. It was quiet, and relaxing.
I never really felt like reading was my passion, but in that place I really was at ease: something about being immersed in calmness just felt right.
While I was browsing the shelves, I heard the door in front of me opening. Voices started whispering as soon as it closed.
?What did you mean in that letter?? Whispered one of them.
?I’ll explain. Calm down..? Said the other. Then I heard a chair moving and a book dropping.
?This way we know if someone enters.?
“I know these voices!” I thought. I dropped on my knees, removing one of the books off the shelf so I could have some vision on the two of them.
As expected, Leo and Max were standing in front of me.
?So? What about the adults?? Asked Leo.
?Shhh! L- your voice.? Max warned him.
?Sta- talking. I- Max?
After a couple of minutes spent trying to figure out the topic from the fragments I could overhear, I leaned a little bit closer.
No improvement: their words were as incomprehensible as before.
I couldn't get any closer: if Leo caught me spying on them, he would’ve got mad. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to disappoint him.
I laid on the floor, waiting for them to get out so that I could leave as well.
Leo was the last to go: following the conversation, he had collapsed to the ground, holding his head with his hands like he was completely lost.
He spent a few seconds talking to himself, then moved back the chair and went out, allowing me to finally exit my hiding spot.
Finally, during dinner, I was able to see him.
?Hey.?
?O-Oh, hey, Elias.?
?Where were you all day??
?Nothing.. Brother Matthias, uhm.. He asked me to help bringing some stuff to the basement?
Lie. Not even a good one, at that: none of us kids were allowed near the basement, since we risked getting hurt down there.
Why was he keeping me out of whatever him and Max were doing?
?Oh, okay. And.. Are you done, now??
?Yeah, probably.?
?”Probably”??
?Y-Yeah, like, you never know when the Brothers will ask for help again? He squinted his eyes, with a forceful laugh.
I decided to drop the subject, since Leo seemed unwilling to tell me the truth.
Before the bell was rung, and the plates brought out and distributed to the children, Brother Julius stood up and spoke.
?It came to our attention that one of the Sisters found a book on the library’s floor.?
Leo tensed up, hearing those words.
?I just wish to remind you all that the books must be treated with respect. If you get caught mistreating them, there will be consequences.?
No more words were said about this matter. Brother Julius sat, and the Sisters brought out the dishes.
Leo, meanwhile, was looking as pale as his shirt.
Whatever it was that the two of them were hiding, Leo was surely afraid that the Brothers would find out.
?Are you not hungry?? I asked, seeing him staring at a random point.
?O-Oh, yeah. Just.. Uhm.. Thinking? His eyes shifted in panic.
He ate a little bit off his plate, then threw up on the spot.
Brother Matthias hurried to the table and brought him to the bathroom.
After a few minutes, the Brother came back to announce Leo would spend the night in the nursery.
When I gathered the courage to talk, I went up to Brother Matthias. Unluckily, that courage wasn’t enough in front of his tall figure, towering over me even while sitting.
?Can I vi-t Leo..?? I mumbled, keeping my eyes fixed to his neck, where his cold eyes couldn't reach me.
?Oh. Hello, Elias? He said, clearly trying to make out what I asked him.
I responded with a forced smile, keeping my shaking hands in my pockets.
?So.. Do you want to visit Leo?? He asked, after a few seconds.
I nodded.
?Maybe later.. Now he’s resting, you know.? He answered, evasively.
?You could invite Maxwell, too.? He suggested, out of the blue.
Why would he say that? I barely had any contact with Max.
?..M-Max? Why?? I looked up to him.
His eyes lit for a second, like he had found a clue in that confused answer.
?Oh, forget it. I must’ve gotten confused.? He answered, with his eyes turning into thin fissures.
After dinner, we were led to our rooms earlier, and told we could spend one more hour reading or doing whatever we wanted, while the Sisters tended to the sick, and the Brothers had a reunion.
I laid in my bed, trying to distract myself from the thought that my one and only friend was hiding something terrible from me.
Brother Matthias said that he was resting, but would that really have been a problem if I went to the nursery?
I just needed to be quick, so I wouldn’t wake him up, right?
I got off my bed and went on my tippy toes to reach the door, then straight into the barely lightened up corridors, which were much emptier than usual, since the Brothers were all with the Father, on the top floor.
The corner to the nursery was a little bit short of a meter from me, when I heard several footsteps coming to me.
I subconsciously hid behind a pillar, holding my breath so that whoever was coming wouldn’t hear me.
Then I saw the Sisters, compact as an army, crossing the corridor I was about to go into.
Their mouths were shut, their eyes fixed on the direction they were going into, and their feet perfectly synchronised, just like they were one.
As soon as I couldn’t hear them anymore, I crossed the corridor and stopped right in front of the nursery, seeing someone entering and shutting the door behind them.
I went to the door and leaned my ear against it, trying to figure out who was inside.
The muffled sounds I could hear through the thick wooden door seemed like two people whispering.
?Are you f- -kay?? Asked one of them, which definitely didn’t sound like Leo.
?-felt sickly, -of a sudden.? Leo answered.
I could only make out fragments of their conversation, but it definitely seemed like the person in there with Leo was Max.
?You -son in the dishes isn't le-, right?? Max asked what sounded like a rhetorical question.
Dishes? Were they talking about what we had eaten at dinner?
I tried to slowly open the door, to better hear what they were saying. I bent over the door frame and tried to tilt the handle just enough to open it, without making any sound, and pressed my ear against the small opening.
?It’s not that. It's just.. This is all so sudden.? Said Leo, sounding quite concerned.
?It’s not like I was prepared either, you know..? Complained Max, but apparently his interlocutor was too deep in his thoughts to listen.
After a few seconds of silence, Leo finally expressed himself.
?And, how do we know these “nightmares” you have are actually telling you the truth. I mean, it only happened once, after all.?
?And that "one time" a friend of mine died, Leo.? He answered, angrily.
?Y-yeah, I know, but.. It must have been a coincidence!? From the tone of his voice, breaking every now and then, between the high notes it was hitting, I could feel every single ounce of insecurity Leo’s words carried.
Then I clearly heard a slap, followed by some angry whispering.
?Daniel died, Leo! You may not have known him, but I did.?
Max’s footsteps grew closer.
?Anyway, I told you everything I could. I really hope you will make something of it.?
I moved from the door, forgetting to close it before letting the handle go.
I jumped back, ready to go back to the corner I came from. However, before I could move, a female voice called out to me.
?Elias? What are you doing here?? She asked. Her voice echoed throughout all of the corridor.
Startled by her sudden appearance, I froze. What was I going to tell her? Was I supposed to tell her that someone was in the nursery?
I glanced at the door, seeing that it had been shut again: Max was about to exit, so why had he closed the door instead?
?O-Oh, nothing Sister Judy! I came to visit Leo, but he seems asleep.? I shouted, making sure Max and Leo could hear me.
Whatever they were doing there, the adults couldn’t find out. And they wouldn’t have. Not if I was there to avoid it.
?Oh, you sweet child!? She got in front of me, pinching my cheek with her hand. ?Leo must be very tired now; let's leave him some time, okay??
?Y-yes, Sister.?
We locked eyes for a second, both standing still. She was surely going to the nursery, but I couldn’t let her find Max in there.
?Is everything alright, dear?? She asked, without a single drop of concern in her voice.
?I-I… I can’t fall asleep, Sister.. I’m worried for Leo. Could you, uhm, read me a bedtime story?? I asked, since nothing better came to mind on the spot.
She looked at me with a weird expression: it was.. pithy, and disgust.
?Oh, I, uhm.. Let’s go upstairs, and ask one of the other Sisters, since I need to tend to Leo for tonight, okay?? She suggested.
I nodded, taking her hand as we walked down the corridor. I turned for a second, to see a small shadow rapidly getting out of the nursery.
Guilt invaded my heart: whatever the reason was, I had lied to the adults.
