Excerpts from Trey Lancaster's Handbook: The (Most) Official Doctor's Apprentice

  -Patients in Pine Hollow: 90% self-inflicted, 10% random.

  -I once tried copying Francis's notes. Turned out I was copying his scribble, so I stuffed the page into his ledger— for science.

  -Francis (two months later): "Is this mine?"

  If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  -It was mine... and to this day he still hasn't found out.

  Patient Case #74: Bluebell Bouquet

  -Reported symptom: Dying.

  -Reality: Tongue blisters from trying to put out a candle with a lick.

  -Francis stared into space for a full five minutes.

  -Me: "Congratulations. You've invented a brand-new way to torture yourself."

  -Apprentice's note: I offered to stitch her mouth shut. Ended up with a split lip instead.