Excerpts from Trey Lancaster's Handbook: The Only Official Doctor's Apprentice

  -Diagnostic Rule #1: If the patient can still yell at you, they're fine.

  -Diagnostic Rule #2: If they can't yell at you, go wake Francis.

  -Sometimes I catch Francis staring at his own notes muttering, "That can't be right."

  -Apprentice's note: If the doctor can't read it, we're doomed.

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  Patient Case #40: Ermin Spangley

  -CC: Bloating. (Always bloating.)

  -Ermin (glaring at me): "Not. A. Word."

  -Me: "The illustrious Professor Ermin, defeated by indigestion."

  -Ermin: "Say one more word, Lancaster."

  -Treatment: Francis's herbs + lecture on eating like a civilized human.

  -Conclusion: Must continue "borrowing" his lunch. For science