“How to Supervise Humans in Laboratories While Hating Everything: A Guide by Dixie Bell, Familiar (Professional, Exhausted)”
Dedicated to Trixie Bell, my witch, who is doing her best in spite of being surrounded by dangerous idiots. And to Nolan Pierce, who has the survival instincts of a wet paper bag but insists on still being alive.
Chapter 1: Pick Your Human, Pick Your Battles
Every familiar knows that humans must be supervised at all times.
But supervising humans in magical laboratories?
That is a special purgatory.
You will develop a tic. Your whiskers will poof. Your soul will briefly consider reincarnation as a goldfish.
Pick one human to protect (your witch), one human to tolerate (your witch’s emotional support cop), and ignore the rest unless necessary.
If you try to supervise everyone, you will die.
Chapter 2: The Five Lab Hazards
Hazard #1: Open Sigils
Humans think circles are “just shapes.”
Incorrect.
Circles are doorbells to forces that think your witch’s ribs would make excellent wind chimes.
Bite them if they reach for one.
Hazard #2: Copper Instruments
The Council claims they sterilize them.
They lie.
Everything here smells like disinfectant and dread.
Do not step on the tables.
You will get copper dust in your fur and then your witch will cry.
Hazard #3: Apprentices
Apprentices are baby ducks with access to arcane solvents.
They will ask if they can pet your tail.
You must stare directly into their soul until they reconsider.
Hazard #4: Wards on the Floor
Humans step on things without looking down.
Your job is to give them a look that says:
“Step on that glowing line and I will personally stroll into the Hollow King’s realm and drag your soul back just to yell at you myself.”
Hazard #5: Emotional Humans
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
The laboratory magnifies emotions. Witch emotions? Atomic.
If your witch cries in the lab, every sigil in a five?meter radius will flicker sympathetically.
You must sit on her chest immediately. This is mandatory.
Chapter 3: Monitoring the Bonded Idiots
Ah yes, the tether.
The glowing, pulsing, utterly unnecessary umbilical cord between two bipeds who refuse to admit they are in love.
The tether means:
- If Trixie hurts, Nolan hurts.
- If Nolan hurts, Trixie hurts.
- If Nolan thinks too loud, Trixie jumps.
- If Trixie breathes funny, Nolan thinks he’s dying.
It’s exhausting.
To manage this:
- Sit between them at all times. You are the buffer. The bridge. The traffic cone.
- Hiss when they get too close to magical equipment. Not because it’s dangerous — because it annoys you.
- Headbutt both their knees simultaneously. This grounds their patterns. Also keeps them from spiraling.
Nolan thinks he’s not magical.
Nolan is wrong.
He is now 40% witch nonsense by volume.
Chapter 4: Interacting with the Council Without Committing Crimes
The Academy laboratories are filled with witches who think they’re in charge.
They are not.
You are.
Rules:
- Harrow: Do not bite her. She might deserve it, but she is useful.
- Grimm: Bite him if he gets too close. He’s brittle.
- Vance: Purr at her; she is reasonable.
- Calder: She is one startled noise away from tripping into a containment ring. Keep your tail on her at all times.
Chapter 5: The Archivist Danger Index (ADI)
If the Archivist appears:
- raise your fur
- hiss like the world is ending
- wedge yourself between your witch and all known dimensions
- scream if necessary
- bite if possible
If he smiles?
Run.
Tell the humans later it was bravery.
Chapter 6: Emotional Support, but Make It Threatening
Your witch will tire.
Your witch will shake.
Your witch will look like she’s lost inside her own bones.
During these moments, you must:
- climb into her lap
- press your forehead to her chest
- purr a note that harmonizes with her heartbeat
- flex claws lightly (reminds her body to stay present)
- glare at anyone who looks like they might speak
If her tethered cop approaches:
- allow it
- but judge him
Severity varies by day.
Chapter 7: Final Notes
- Humans in labs are hazard-prone.
- Witches in labs are emotionally radioactive.
- The Council in labs is smug and tired.
- The Archivist in labs is unacceptable.
- The Hollow King in labs is… not allowed under any circumstances.
Thus:
Familiar Rule #1: Cats belong on the table. Familiar Rule #2: Humans belong nowhere near anything glowing. Familiar Rule #3: If all else fails, knock over the nearest artifact. Familiar Rule #4: Blame a poltergeist. They never get fair representation anyway.
And finally—
Protect your witch. Protect your witch’s human. And if anyone threatens them, commit the crime and argue ethics later.
— Dixie Bell, Professional Familiar, Endlessly Overworked, Still the Smartest Person in Any Room