Lifetime Regrets

  It did not dawn on Theo how important the request was until he walked past rows of graves in the light of the setting sun. New ones, old ones. Ones with flowers, ones with nothing. Names he had encountered before, names he hadn’t.

  And yet they stopped, far away from the rest of the other graves, in a dark, untouched and unkempt corner of the graveyard, at a grave with no name.

  Stopping several steps away from his classmate, who carefully set down his bag before kneeling down in front of the unmarked grave with his head lowered, close enough to lean on it, he spoke only one word.

  “Faris…”

  The voice that had answered him was shaky. “It’s okay. Stay.”

  Rooted in place, he watched Faris slowly pull a small candle out of his bag, about to place it into a rusted, timeworn lantern next to the grave when he froze.

  The tall grass that he had brushed away to open the door of the lantern—at its base were flowers. Beautiful, striking violet lilies that surrounded delicate white flowers matching those he had seen in the Academy forest.

  Eyes widening, Theo could imagine the smell of the wild, five-petaled winter roses from where he stood. Unbelievably sweet and full of longing.

  She was here.

  The candle dropped from Faris’s trembling hand before he reached out to pick up the flowers. Carefully, one by one, he brought the bouquet up to his chest, lowered his head, and hunched over to hug it. Small sobs slipped from his lips, his entire frame shook, his back curled until his head touched the gravestone, but still he did not let them go.

  Only when a faraway bell tolled six times did he gradually straighten, place the flowers back in their rightful place, and pick back up the candle. He tenderly pried the remnants of the previous one away, set the new one in, and then lit it with an Ignite.

  Illuminated by the candle and the fiery setting sun, Faris gently undid his eyepatch, placed it into his pocket, and spoke. Softly, slowly, each word heavy with grief.

  “Hi, Lily. It’s me again. I’m sorry for not having visited sooner. I’ve been all over the place. Where to begin…after I left the last time…I…I walked for a long, long time across the Lycean Plains. It was beautiful. You could see every color under the sun…deep green, light blues, shimmering yellows, warm violets once it got dark. And every morning, flocks of birds made their way across the pastel sky in every direction. Small pinpricks in the distance, so far high up, so free. The sunrise would reflect off the morning dew on the grass, glittering like those jewels you liked to wear sometimes, even though it was only me who came to see you in them. A-and the sounds…the birds and the water…it was so loud and so peaceful at the same time. It made it easy not to think. Just listen.

  “Oh—I can’t forget—remember when we used to joke that the Royal Capital wasn’t an actual place? You had read it from a book I brought you from the library…I was so small back then, I can’t believe I trusted you. You wouldn’t believe it. I…I saw it. I’ve been there. It’s real. I even brought something back for you.”

  From his bag, he produced a familiar book and propped it up against the grave.

  “I-it’s a book written…um, by a royal on royal history sold by a royal bookseller in the Royal Capital. I…I thought that way you’d really b-believe me, right? Here, I’ll leave—leave it with you so you can…so you can read it. You always—you always loved the books I brought you, especially the ones on Ancient history t-that we read together. That I read to you sometimes, when you…were too weak. Maybe today…I can read you a bit…if I-I have time.”

  It took Faris a few minutes to compose himself.

  “We…we went to so many more places, too. Before all that. We went past Lake Lachesis, which was so, so big. We stopped by the Township of Thaon for a night, where my…my classmates…we went to an inn and played cards. It was fun. Could you believe it? Your little brother’s good enough now at F-Fairakarta to win—a few gold. I can’t…I can’t wait to win against you when I s-see you again.”

  He took a few shaky breaths, forcing down the sobs before resuming.

  “After Thaon…we…we went to the beach. We saw the sea. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it. I couldn’t believe that for…for the longest time…until you passed…that was all you wanted to see, and no one listened to me, and I…I didn’t have the power to—I couldn’t take you there, in the end. I couldn’t believe that you weren’t there with me when I finally saw it. I didn’t feel worthy; I didn’t feel like I deserved to see it. It was…it was supposed to be you. Instead of staying stuck in that room…in that bed, unable to do anything else no matter how hard you tried…where no one came to see you other than your one maid…other than me…you were supposed to see the world. You were the firstborn. You weren’t…you weren’t supposed to be shut away, like a shameful secret. You weren’t supposed to be alone. You weren’t s-supposed to die the way you—you did, left alone for two weeks, found on the floor, c-cold, s-surrounded by your—your fil—”

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  Nothing. Theo could do nothing but watch through his own tears as heart-wrenching sobs seized Faris again.

  The sun descended, wiping away the searing red and leaving a brilliant, deep violet.

  “There…there’s someone I told about you. I…I know you didn’t want me to. I know you…you felt ashamed. But she…her name was Ty…she was important to me. I think…she brought you these flowers…she…” He leaned forward and closed his eyes, resting them on the cold stone as his tears fell onto the grass. “She reminded me of you. She was so bright. Slow on some things, needed a little push for some things, like you were when I first…when I first found you all those years ago…too late. But underneath it all, she…she was…like the sun. She was so full of life, so curious. She was clever, she was kind, and she could read me like an open book. And yet she had nothing but kindness…patience for me. I felt…I felt so warm when I was with her.”

  He brought his hands up to his face, pushing through the pain and tears. “She was a f-fantastic runner, her casting was faster than our professors, and she—she had crazy good aim. She was…she was too good. And I think she’ll—she’ll be gone soon. Her—her people d-don’t live long. And I can—I can feel it. I can f-feel her…drifting away.” He sobbed into his hands. “I-I’m scared, Lily. I’m so scared. I’m scared of leaving behind another regret. A-another regret I won’t ever be able to—to get over in this lifetime. I’m so scared of watching another person I love die.” His hands fell from his face to clutch his chest, his voice rising to a cry. “It hurts. It hurts so much, I can’t take it. I feel like I’m going to die.”

  When his hands finally let go, and the violet skies had turned into a cold, darkening blue, he continued talking again. Voice even weaker than before, though his tears were gone.

  “Being a child…seeing you, watching you…I thought that…if I were powerful, if I could be better, then I could be someone…someday. If I could just be the best, somehow, I could help fulfill…your dreams. See the world. Come back…and tell you about it all. Make you proud of me. But the more time passes, the more I realize…maybe knowing everything…being the best…that doesn’t mean anything anymore, does it? But then…if I…I die a nobody, would that be leaving your story lost to history? Leaving Ty’s story…lost to history? Do I just keep on working hard until I die, hoping that I will have made it, never knowing the fruits of my suffering? Blaming myself, hating myself, hurting myself for the rest of my life…just because I couldn’t live up to the ideal person I aspired to be for you? For Ty?

  “I…I think I came to peace with it…a while ago. It’s…it’s not enough to tell myself that I want to be happy. It’s…a decision I have to make…I’ve got to work toward it…and maybe…the answer isn’t always to keep going up. The answer isn’t always in knowing everything. It’s not in the marks I get from class; it’s not in whether I can please mom and dad, or my past self. It’s…in being content. Happy…with where I am. Happy with myself. Doing what I can. Living another day. Continuing no matter how difficult it is. Because I know…because I know that would make you and Ty happy, not to see me suffer. That even if I end up a failure, even if I never make my mark on this world, at least I would have…I would have been happy.”

  And for the second-to-last time that day, Faris brought his hands up to his face to shield his tears.

  “If only…I could tell you both…how happy you made me.”

  * * *

  “It’s…dark. We should go.”

  Illuminated with the deep blue hue of dusk, and with a tear-stained face, Theo watched Faris get up and turn to him only to pause. The suffering in his expression was unhidden, plain to see when he didn’t have his eyepatch on.

  It hurts. It hurts so much, I can’t take it. I feel like I’m going to die.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No…no, Faris.”

  There was another pause.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” Faris asked gently, the same as that one time.

  Like what? he remembered replying. “Because.”

  As Theo stared into his friend’s soft, red eyes, he waited for him to become impatient. Step to the side. Walk away. Say something else, divert the pain for another day. Run away until nothing remained, until even words weren’t enough to salvage what was lost anymore.

  But he didn’t.

  In the silence, Theo took a single, shaky step at first. And then two more. Steps that he had been afraid of taking before, steps that would have given him more time. This time, he took it. Changing like his friend, even if it was only two small steps.

  Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Faris. Held him tightly, felt his racing heartbeat, felt his tears. Felt arms tighten around him as well.

  And, as darkness fell, the only light around them a lone flickering candle, Theo let go, lowered his head, and whispered what was in his heart.

  “Hey, Faris. Where are you going? If life is about being happy…where are you going? What are you working toward? What your life…what all this suffering is for?”

  After a long silence, Faris answered, his voice tired and low, “A happy ending. A happy ending at the end of countless tragedies.”

  We’d be happy. Everyone would be happy, echoed Em’s words in his mind.

  “Where are you going to find a happy ending…in a world like this? A world without her?”

  Surrounded by darkness, Theo could briefly see Faris turn his head to face him, expression shielded by the night. And then, as he finally turned away and stepped to the side, he gave his answer, his voice steady. Cold, detached.

  “It’s okay. I know Ty was your happy ending. We all knew.”

  At first wanting to hold his tongue, he felt his emotions take over again. He turned around, watching Faris leave. “Then why are you here? Why did you come with me? Why did you bring me here, tell me to stay, say all those things?”

  Expecting him to continue walking, chase after the city lights instead of lingering in the suffocating darkness, Faris stopped instead. He looked Theo straight in the eye.

  “Because you’re in mine.”

  Watching Faris make his way back onto the path, down rows upon rows of graves, toward the faint streetlights adorning the road at the end of the graveyard, Theo wondered to himself who was the one truly walking away. The impatient one. The one who was running away until nothing remained, until no words were enough to salvage what was lost anymore. He wondered if he truly wanted to change, if he knew where he was going himself, if he was so lost he couldn’t even envision himself being happy anymore.

  Those four words—he kept them close to his chest, shut them away as he followed in Faris’s footsteps. No longer close enough to touch, but far away, a bright light under the city lights while he remained buried underneath the suffocating darkness, hopelessly diverting the pain for another day.