First, the path to ascension requires a pure heart, a disciplined mind, and the kind of stubborn determination that makes mules look reasonable.
Second, the final ascension trial is the most dangerous challenge any cultivator will ever face, requiring utmost focus and perfect execution.
And third—perhaps most importantly—chickens are the natural enemies of immortality.
Su Lan Yi, after one millennium of cultivation, was about to learn that third truth the hard way.
"One thousand years," she muttered, fingers tracing the intricate lines of the ascension array she'd spent the last decade carving into the summit of Mount Aocang. "One thousand years of eating nothing but silver spirit grass* and raw qi*. Of being called 'that crazy oddball on the mountain.' One thousand years without a single drop of alcohol."
She glanced at the small clay jar sitting just outside her array. It glanced back at her, tempting her with sin. "Well, after today, I'm going to drink myself into a spiritual coma. No hesitation."
The sun was reaching its highest point in the sky. Perfect. Su Lan Yi took her position at the centre of the array, her white robes billowing dramatically despite the complete absence of wind in her surroundings. (A little vanity spell never hurt anyone; Su Lan Yi reasoned that if she was becoming immortal, she might as well look good doing it. There would be stories and gossip, and it was way better than the few unlucky immortals that hit their ascension while… well. The Heavens hadn’t appreciated the nudity, after all.)
"Begin," she commanded. The array lit up with golden light, ten thousand years of cosmic wisdom activating under her fingertips. The Four Divine Beasts*, made up of pure energy rose from the cardinal points, circling her like celestial guard dogs. Majestic, if you could ignore how sleepy and bored the Black Tortoise seemed. She’d give it a stern talking-to.
"The Heavens open," she intoned, raising her hands. "The mortal coil breaks. I, Su Lan Yi, have walked the long and arduous path of a thousand years and now claim my—"
"BAWK!"
Su Lan Yi's eyebrow twitched. Surely, that infernal sound wasn't a—
"BAWK-BAWK-BAWK!"
A plump white chicken waddled into her field of vision, pecking enthusiastically at a glowing line in her array. An IMPORTANT line.
"What the—" Su Lan Yi's eyes widened in horror. "NO! Shoo!”
The chicken looked up at her, then at the four equally flummoxed Divine Beasts with tiny, soulless eyes that somehow still managed to convey complete indifference to her years of experience of cultivation and pursuit of immortality. It also hadn’t considered that the pretty lady on the peak might want to eat spicy chicken after she was done with her elaborate array stuff if it continued to annoy her.
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
"BAWK?" it questioned, cocking its head to one side before resuming its enthusiastic pecking at the EXTREMELY DELICATE AND COSMICALLY SIGNIFICANT array. The one housing said hungry immortal.
"You idiot! That's not food! That's the convergence point of TEN THOUSAND YEARS of cultivation theory!" She couldn't move from her position—the ascension was already in progress. One wrong step and she'd explode into a cloud of spiritual confetti, raining down on the villagers in the valley for the next century. They’d probably turn it into a festival. Probably.
Above her, storm clouds had begun to gather with supernatural speed. A heavenly tribulation—right on schedule.
"Okay, okay, Su Lan Yi," she tried to calm herself, muttering under her breath. "It's fine. You just need to—"
Divine lightning split the sky.
"—complete the final incantation before—"
The chicken, that blasted bird, pecked through a critical line in the array at that very moment..
"—OH, HEAVENS, NO—"
The array flared blindingly bright as the Four Divine Beings twisted in confused, chaotic patterns, the Black Tortoise suddenly awake. As the Azure Dragon lunged for the White Tiger, the Vermillion Bird stopped glowing, dissipating entirely. Finally realizing it had perhaps made a poor life choice, the chicken gave one final indignant "BAWK!" before being launched into the atmosphere by a column of spiritual energy which rejected the negation of the array.
"This isn't happening," Su Lan Yi hissed as the array beneath her began to crack. "One thousand years. Starvation. Abstinence. Being a good person. RUINED. BY. A. BIRD."
A small hole in reality tore open beneath her feet. The array had reversed, consuming the Divine Beasts’ energies first, and it would now consume her soul as a price. The ominous black and purple glow clashed horribly with her white robes.
"I hate everything," Su Lan Yi declared, with the dignified resignation of someone who had spent their whole existence preparing for a moment that was now going spectacularly wrong. There were onlookers, and she couldn’t throw a tantrum. The Heavens would be watching her, and she knew she’d be their subject of jokes for a few centuries.
Lightning struck from above at the exact moment the array completely collapsed below her, crumbling into the void. Su Lan Yi found herself suspended between cosmic forces, being simultaneously electrocuted from the Heavens and being sucked in from below.
"When I get another chance," she vowed as her consciousness began to fragment, "I'm going to be the most chaotic, unrepentant, GLORIOUS villain the universe has ever—"
Everything went white.
Then black.
And then...
[SYSTEM INITIALIZING...]
[WELCOME TO SYSTEM 666: VILLAINESS EDITION]
[DOWNLOADING PERSONALITY...]
[MISSION OBJECTIVE: FIX THE DAMN PLOT]
[INITIATING FIRST WORLD TRANSFER...]
[WARNING: USER MANUAL CORRUPTED. WINGING IT INSTEAD...]
The universe held its breath.
Somewhere in the cosmos, a slightly singed chicken landed on another immortal's head, and burped.
And Su Lan Yi's new disastrous existence was about to begin.
Ascension Array (升仙阵 – Shēngxiān Zhèn)
A super fancy magic circle designed to launch a cultivator into immortality. Requires precision, cosmic energy, and ideally zero poultry interference.
Silver Spirit Grass (银灵草 – Yín Líng Cǎo)
A sacred herb full of spiritual energy. Tastes like despair and regrets. Ten out of ten doctors recommend it for ascension. Zero out of ten taste testers approve.
Raw Qi (生气 – Shēng Qì)
Not to be confused with anger (though that’s involved). This is the essence of the universe, consumed by cultivators in place of normal food. Not recommended as part of a balanced diet.
Mount Aocang (奥苍山 – ào Cāng Shān)
A prestigious, spiritual mountain where Su Lan Yi spent a millennium in isolation. Also, apparently, home to one very disruptive chicken.
Four Divine Beasts (四大神兽 – Sì Dà Shén Shòu)
Ancient mythological guardians of the world, revered in cultivation lore. They include:
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Azure Dragon (青龙 – Qīng Lóng) – Majestic, powerful, probably judging your life choices.
-
White Tiger (白虎 – Bái Hǔ) – The embodiment of strength, honor, and "why is that chicken ruining everything?"
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Vermillion Bird (朱雀 – Zhū Què) – A phoenix-like bird of flame and rebirth. Sadly, not immune to the Chicken Effect.
-
Black Tortoise (玄武 – Xuán Wǔ) – A combination of tortoise and snake, supposed to be wise and patient. Frequently sleepy.
Heavenly Tribulation (天劫 – Tiān Jié)
A divine lightning strike that tests cultivators on their path to immortality. Most pass by sheer determination. Su Lan Yi, on the other hand, got poultry-sabotaged.
System 666 (系统六六六 – Xìtǒng Liù Liù Liù)
A mysterious, possibly unhinged system forcing Su Lan Yi to fix broken worlds. The “666” part probably does not mean smooth sailing.
The Chicken (鸡 – Jī)
A common farm animal. An uncommon destroyer of fates.
If you spot any other confusing cultivation terms, don’t hesitate to ask! Unless it’s about why the chicken did what it did. We don’t know. No one knows.
P.S. You local Chicken Immortal is yet to appear for her HSK 4 exam. If I makes an error, and you spot it, don't hesitate to let me know! Life (and immortality) are learning processes.
And that’s the start of Su Lan Yi’s glorious descent into absolute chaos! What did you think? Got a favourite moment? Drop a comment below! I read them all!
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