"The Son must pay the price of his sins"

  The sun has risen from the east, marking that another day has passed. Yet I find myself lying on my bed, sleepless. It has been getting worse. The feeling still haunts me even if I pushed myself to do an all-nighter. I hear voices, telling me about sins. What sins? I have been good to my parents and those around me, but they speak about my blasphemous acts. I grow tired every time the wall clock's second hand moves, it hypnotizes me as if it's singing a lullaby to sleep. Somehow my dearest spirit is not around with me. Maybe Father gave her a task, but I can not be sure about it. It bothers me that she couldn't even rest peacefully after her death, such a dirtbag my so-called Father is. I do not really know what kind of clue will be spilt by my new commander tonight, hopefully, he has something meaningful about my role in the whole scheme.

  Small pressure hugged my chest as I tried to start my day. Usually stepmother would check on my condition. She's a nurse after all, but sometimes I sense something more than just motherly love from his gaze. Unsettling indeed, I have no interest in incest but I guess I have to sit down for a while. At least knowing that she's old means she would die sooner than me. He said it's just how she looked, and that's why he loves her so dearly. The feeling of cotton on my skin is heavenly, or is it just me trying to be polite because I sleep with my chest out? I looked around, trying to recall what exactly happened last night after I got home from the Palace. A gun lying on the floor, is not something I would do. Probably the whole house tried to stop me from taking my own life again, was I not conscious? I never drink, it's a sin. But anyway, this sinner is alive and ready for another day. 17 years old of living for what? Probably would end up in the Netherlands to study, or be a war prisoner. Nevertheless, this morning is the least painful day, though I bartered it out with something else. Perhaps I just need to do my morning prayer, God would understand,

  "Airlangga, it's me... Doctor Hasmuni. Your father sent me for your weekly therapy"

  Is it really that time of the week already? Am I the only one in the house? Where are the maids?

  "Yes, doctor! I will be with you soon, could you please wait at the study?"

  A thunder flashes in the grim sky, raindrops suddenly fall as if the clouds were made from a bunch of ice needles. Surely it is destined to be quite a hassle for her to go to the hospital from our humble house. I can lend her my umbrella, and I can just stay at home. After all, obviously last night was quite a scene for everyone, so staying at home would be the best bet I have. It is truly morning indeed, Father arranged it early so that I can still catch some lessons at school. This time I get up for good, some laziness is there but they're fading away as the stretching begins. Some good cracks, and some good yawns. Slowly but surely I headed towards the study. The eyes of a gifted child always see everything beyond lies they say, but the dreams always give me the worst visual projection ever. Every door in this house screeches, including the one that unfolds the study. The doctor is sitting in a chair made of wood, she gestures at me to lay down on the sofa. It is not as soft as you would imagine, 5% foam and the rest is wood from Jepara.

  "Restless again, I suppose," Doctor Hasmuni said as she noticed the droopy eyes I had.

  "They evolved. I tried to find a shortcut, but they're always one step ahead..."

  "Child, if you keep on going like this for the entire week I cannot guarantee that your brain will function really well"

  "Staying awake is not on my wishlist either doc. But that pain feels so real, I am dying every day"

  The young female sighed.

  "I have found a method that we could try to give you some time to sleep without the 'Nightmares'. But you have to allow me to give suggestions into your subconscious"

  "How?"

  "Do not think of it, just go with the flow. I promise you it is nothing invasive..."

  Hypnotherapy I guess. Although sleep is still the biggest mystery to modern science, it's no secret that you can turn people into slaves using their subconscious. I do not know what kind of thing awaits while my consciousness is gone, some pitch dark with voices I guess. The doctor reached her bag, looking for something significant. Rattles among her things are quite loud for a silent and sound-proof room like this. She pulled out a golden pocket watch, a watch with an eagle and a crown on the top of its head. Some things certainly look eccentric, the Dutch have never been known for eagle insignia. Nevertheless, they still look European. Could it be...

  "Masovian?"

  "Close," she said while showing the back of the watch. A soldier holding a sword and shield, on top of a standing horse.

  "Podlachian?"

  "Yes. I studied in Branickich"

  "Why? The Netherlands rejected your proposal?"

  "No, I just feel that white-red has better value. "

  She's catholic, I see.

  "Alright, my life aside... I would have to monitor your heartbeat once in a while. Follow the pocket watch please," she continued before swinging her watch back and forth like a pendulum.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  I don't think this would work on me but anything that would drive me to sleep without having a dream is generally a win for me. Just some emptiness and nothing would be perfect, a wonderful dream is a bonus. As the watch swings, the room becomes quieter and I can hear clockwork coming from the watch. The sound of rain suddenly stopped, it was quiet and peaceful. I tried to look around to see my surroundings, but at the same time, my curiosity told me to stick with the instructions coming from the doctor.

  "To the person I touch, I am talking to your subconscious. You have been restless... the weight you carry is too heavy for you to continue. Lay down, and feel the breeze across your face as you feel your eyes getting heavier each second passes. Do not resist... do not be afraid... there will be nothing inside your dreams..."

  She's good...

  I have to admit that...

  "On the count of 3, you will fall asleep... and wake up when I told you so..."

  "3"

  "2"

  "1,"

  One...

  ———

  It had never been this peaceful, sleeping. Me practice my death, and nothing disturbs me from it. The

  I opened my eyes, finding myself below the cast ocean, dark and cold. Yet strangely it feels so warm and safe, as if it was my own home. I do not see any other creatures or anything else, just me, darkness, and nothing, just the way I want it. The gravity kept on pulling me down to the ocean floor, the way I sunk was simply amazing, and slow yet I felt that it was progressing. Again, it feels like home, as if I actually originated from this place. But I myself am a human, not some other human being. I have a life and I believe destiny awaits me in the future. Especially what the Princes had told me last night literally kept me awake the entire night. As I gained courage I began to dive head first instead of drowning. Blurry, but these eyes clearly see something red coming from the deep. The heart beats strongly, the cold now pierces my bones, and I shiver but it is nothing related to the temperature. It is ominously cold and dark. The water pressure builds up, crushing my chest as I feel something cold and sharp is stabbing my whole body again and again. Each stab is stuck in between my flesh and they forcefully pull it out from my body. I was nothing but a fish being predated by others. SCREAM, Langga, SCREAM!!! ASK FOR HELP!! THAT THING WILL CONSUME YOU ALIVE!!!

  ——-

  I woke up from the dream begging for air, with pressure on my chest as if I were drowning. I did not recall walking back to my bedroom. Outside of the open window is a familiar view of Sasmita chatting with other spirits. The sun is just rising up, just like the way it was when I woke up the first time. How long have I been asleep? The calendar marks the same day, I would never forget to cross a day before going to bed. As my breathing got better, I reached for my gun from my desk. Rusty marks on some spots, surely because I neglected and refused to clean it regularly. Some seconds later, the conclusion was that I was dreaming in a dream. It was kind of different, so it's probably a sign to rest assured because someone will finally be able to help. Taken with a grain of salt, or maybe a whole giant slab of it for sure.

  The sun rises, and going to school was never an option for today because I would be punished for being late and Indigenous at the same time. Talk about being a privileged local, surely comes at a price, the whites hate you and it works both fucking ways. A teacher sent a local to a coma but his parents apparently had to sit tight and act like a good colonized indigenous while that scumbag is still earning his salary. I decided to begin the day despite the laziness that lingers around. Since I really have nothing to do I will do some extra shifts in the military. Perhaps If I'm lucky I can meet Prince Pujokusumo again, ask him more interrogative sentences. But surely I cannot be as loose as last night. The bird chirps as I walk to the humbling bathroom. The sun gently touches my bare skin, telling me that everything is going to be alright and life is good. But soon the splash of cold water forcefully opens my eyes and sharpens my senses. To me, it is another day to worry about as I deliberately cannot be awake for morning prayer.

  But I guess God hates the sin and not the sinner. If he truly hates you, he could... but essentially it contradicts the fact that he is the most merciful of all. All sins will be forgiven as long as you acknowledge them and promise that you will do better.

  I get dressed, in a normal uniform with some stain that would never come off I feel some uneasy feeling that would not go away. They say the more I resist, the more they get stronger. Should I just finally embrace the finality that this or whatever my birthmother was destined to be is actually my true calling? As the belt and sash hug my abdomen tightly, I become somewhat discouraged to keep on going, the cowardness is there... I want to run, hopefully I can become someone without any importance to the world. But when it happens I would wish for the opposite.

  I put on the outer and the riffle slings. My close range is always concealed behind my back. Mother, If you are here... could you tell me if I am brave enough to fulfil the callings you heed me? I sense danger and yet as far as I can see it is merely a false alarm.

  "I sense distress in you, dear," Step Mother said as I put my hand on the gun that always been my biggest enemy.

  "It was nothing, Mother... I will go to the front line today"

  "Son... I know you are not mine, but would you consider me as a friend who watched you grow?"

  Is it really something personal...

  "Do you have something that bothers your mind, Mother?" I asked her back.

  The bed creaks silently as she puts her weight on top of it.

  "Your dose has been increasing rapidly these past week. You have built resistance to all medication that we have..." The weight of the world and the burden of being a son doubled after she uttered those words. I would never have thought that today is the day nothing can stop my 'monster under the bed' thingy. But essentially she just cares so much about me, maybe my view of her is somewhat wrong. She's trying her best to actually replace what have been lost in our family. I do not blame her, Love is love indeed, yet there is one thing that keeps preventing me to actually embracing her in a hug. Is it respect? Doesn't feel like it. Despise is not an option as well. I probably just have to go for an extreme job and come back wounded to finally understand this feeling.

  "Then you don't have to give me anything"

  Heart to heart, I could not dare to look at myself in the mirror after saying that. Would actually sound harsh but I do guess Mother got the message. Maybe she would think that I would lose my battle to this insomniac event, there is some truth to it but you would never know what kind of grace will be granted tomorrow. But for today, my mind is tired and I would really love to take a break from life. At least getting somewhat busy with war will keep me occupied. As my hand reached for the gun, Mother could only start crying her heart out. I agree that eventually, someone will be able to heal me, as long as I keep on looking. The safest place for now is... the farthest place from home.