I miss it...

  I truly miss the old days. When the wind blows freely, kids play on the streets, mothers chatting and spilling whatever tea they have in the cups. Although I can't say how good it feels to be free, I do long for the days when my life was simpler. Maybe it's because I miss Sasmita a bit too much in her human form, not in something I couldn't feel with my bare touch. It is what it is, my family buried Sasmitha and that's about it, I have to appreciate that part of her persona is willing to be here with me. But if I am grateful for someone else's disturbed rest, wouldn't that make me some kind of a foolish jerk? I hope Sasmitha will forgive me when she's free, and I hope she won't mind if I miss her for the entire week. For today, the wind blows gently but it reeks of spices that were harvested by the blood of Indische farmers. Not to mention the smell of gunpowder and the smoke of European cars that were imported from the land afar. Weightless Sasmita on the back saddle and me cycling through the streets. Thoughts forming on me yet I still have to focus on the street. I passed through the central post office, Royal Square, and turned left after the royal bathhouse.

  "I would appreciate it if you drop me by Mother's place," Sasmita said as I passed the graveyard.

  I hold the brake, the bicycle stops just one house away from the graveyard. Sasmita floats down from the saddle. "Can you come back on your own?" I jokingly asked.

  "Of course! I used to be a human after all"

  We both laugh at it. But for me, it's a bit painful to do. She handles death as if it were nothing. No sadness, no hatred, not even a single negative emotion. I am jealous of her acceptance, just.. a calm and quick death, disturbed but at least her freedom is near. Silence lingers after we are both tired of laughing. I exhaled, emptying both lungs as my heart started to get heavy all of a sudden.

  "I'm going home then... to prepare for work"

  "Take care, I'll be home soon"

  I waved to Sasmita before she continued her business. I cycle through the neighbourhood. It's pretty quiet, maybe because most of the kids are somewhere in the field or taking a nap because their mother told them so. That sleep I took last night was short, but to take another rest could mean another nightmare torture. My stepmother would probably be worried sick and tell my father to revoke my soldier status for good. To think that there would be a place for investigation tonight. I think to myself, maybe these dreams are some kind of training. Do I have to save the whole world? Can I come back alive from it? Thoughts for another day, but surely I cannot wait for the answer to finally reveal itself as time goes by. Now, it's time to go home. A big mango tree stands proudly in our front yard. As I entered the yard, I saw my stepmother sewing my torn uniform on the porch. As she finished patching the hole, she looked at me with a happy face. I got down from my bicycle and rushed to her.

  "Greetings, Mother," I said as I hugged her gently.

  "Welcome home. Your father awaits, there's food at the dining table for you," She walks me down the garden path into the back door of our house.

  "Sasmita told me. I will take a nap, and talk to Father before my shift"

  "Alright, rest well my son," Mother said as she patted my shoulder with her motherly love.

  She's not the one who gave birth to me. But she tried her best to replace the missing figure from my life. She won't ever come close, yet I still appreciate her effort by treating her as if she was the mother I ever had. Nothing was broken from this home. It's just that somehow my Father told me that one day mother was killed in an ambush. After I read her archive, I knew that her death wasn't a common one. Stepmother is kind, I do not have the heart to be mean or just to say that 'you would never replace my mother'. Bah, having both parents is truly a miracle for children nowadays, why do I have to bother hating one of them?

  I stepped inside the house. I would say the air was getting heavier as I walked into my room. I sat down on my bed and I put my satchel bag with books and notebooks down. The pillow is pleasantly cold, but I still doubt whether should I be relaxed or not. I stood up and noticed that Sasmita was back to her favourite branch. Her feet dangling and she's waving to another spirit before finally reaching them. I pulled out my pocket watch to see how much time I had before I needed to prepare some things for my duty tonight. Exactly 7 hours before the meeting time. The watch ticks and I can feel the movement rotating its gear each second. It was peaceful and calm, the tempo soothed my tangled mind. Seconds later my ears are ringing, nothing big, just from the tiredness and lack of sleeping hours. But it grew louder and louder, I tried to ignore the noise by blocking my ears with both hands. It can't go away the louder it is the more it pierces my head. My legs grow weaker as I try to withstand the pain. I reached for the gun from my desk and aimed it at my head...

  Am I ready...

  Is this It?

  Do I have what it takes to spit in God's face?

  Click!

  I sat on the floor, back resting on my bed frame while desperately breathing for air. Whatever it is it's just making my heart beat furiously and my brain is just in total chaos. Everything felt so heavy and I was sweating a river. Fortunately, the gun was unloaded, but imagine if it wasn't. My brain matter would paint everything red. I believe Father unloads them as Trinil, my sister, would come and play with whatever stuff she could find. I will ask for bullets after the talk. Am I suicidal now? It can't be, whatever is controlling me I just could not-

  Knock! Knock!

  "Come in.." I said after a knock cleared my mind. I quickly slid my gun under the bed.

  "I brought you tea, Mother made it for you," Trinil, my little sister walks in with a Chinese porcelain cup in her small hands.

  "Thank you, Trinil. Please put it on the desk..." I answered as I tried to regain my tempo.

  "Mother said to drink it now. She told me to witness you"

  "Sure, dear... you can sit on my chair..."

  Trinil put the cup down the desk, while I tried to at least sit on my bed. I reached for the cup and took a sniff of the tea. Jasmine, with a weird smell of chemicals. Did Mother notice that I haven't been sleeping well and that she drugged my drink? It smells like something that would make me feel better for some time. Could it be directions from Father as well? I don't think the intentions are evil, they just care about me. They're just trying to release my burden off my shoulders for a while. I should trust my Father's decision.

  Gulp!

  All in one shot. The cup is small enough. "You can continue playing now. Don't forget to close the door," I put down the cup and took off my suit, Trinil went off to her room after she closed the door to my bedroom.

  Seventeen years old and should I be drinking this kind of prescription? Whatever Father made for me, It is sure working on me. I took my gun from under the bed, only to find one bullet in one hole just before the trigger. The monster under my bed decided to give me a solution all of a sudden. My body started to react to the chemicals my parents put into my tea. I took off my upper garment, as I felt something stirring inside of me. The bed felt even colder on my bare skin.

  The pain pierces,

  This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  but as the gentle wind blows...

  I found peace in between my closed eyes. And slowly the nightmare dissipates.

  -------

  I clearly do not know how long that 'nap' was, but it surely does refresh my eyes. One more thing is that I didn't remember Mother disturbing my sleep, must be because Father was not home yet and it was her tea time with some of the Dutch housewives. Tonight is pretty pleasant with the breeze constantly blowing. However, when I pulled out my pocket watch, I realized that I had at least 3 hours before duty calls. I got up, and the first thing I remember is to find Father and if I was lucky I would also find Mother with him. I walked out of my room to find our house cat sleeping in front of my door. Just how interesting is it to see his belly exposed whenever he sleeps? But I will not let this coloured personality distract me from my duty to talk with Father. I stepped aside, just enough for me to not step on the cat. The house is bright at night, thanks to the electricity the Company brought. The rainy season is here and male wood-eating termites are dancing around the lights as their bachelorette party before cutting their own wings and mate with a female. Mbok Siti usually will collect them and make peyek crackers out of them in the morning.

  I knocked on Father's office before walking in. A bit dark, with minimized yellow light. Father sits while he types something on his expensive typewriter. The ringing sound echoes whenever he reaches the end of the paper margins.

  "Le, (boy)" Father said in a calm tone.

  "Njih, Romo (Yes, Father)"

  "How are you feeling?"

  "Better thanks to your medications, Father"

  "Apologies for the dosage, but we agreed that your sleepless night has been quite a serious problem"

  "I completely understand"

  The conversation felt awkward for some unexplainable reasons. Father has always been busy, working with his colleagues in Batavia, studying, tea parties, and whatever meddles he has with the birth of Indische Partij and Bram's father. His presence sometimes has negative value inside the house. My uncle from my stepmother always steps in as a replacement for a fatherly figure. However, I still hope we can spend time like a normal family would do. Money can't buy time, money can't buy a true bond with people, and I barely feel any deep connection with him. Everything feels formal and stiff, it disgusts me a little.

  "One thing I would like to discuss with you is regarding your participation in the Royal Army. I appreciate your nationalism towards your country. The King and Queen spoke highly of you, but Prince Pujokusumo and I share the same opinion," his trembling old fingers calmly crushed down the burnt cigar on the ashtray. The smell of this room suffocates me, the exhaled smoke that is ten times more dangerous than the inhale. I guess Dutch pushed him into smoking, and now here he is, an addict.. just like them. "You're not even 20, Le. What kind of glory do you seek in death? Hmm? Day and night you switch roles, you have so much energy yet you decide to exhaust your youth..." he continued.

  Father has a point. A wasted youth is something you would regret indefinitely in the future. But to be fairly honest with everything, being young and educated is such a privilege for an Inlander like me. Most kids are struggling just to feed their own belly, yet here I am. If only those Dutch were never here in the first place, this country could have been a happier place. I do believe every Inlander student has the same opinion as me, they would sacrifice mind and soul just to free the motherland from its oppressive tyrant. Father might think I'm just a teenager in puberty trying to find my life purpose. But the day my birth mother was attacked by a demonic spirit from a faraway land, was the seal of my destiny. The Netherlands, The Company, and The Greedy Dutch are my sworn enemy.

  "I just believe, this is my true calling," I answered

  "This so-called burden is too young for you to carry. What is a 17-year-old going to do in a Special Elite force of Prawiratama? Die, and that's about it. So why don't you quit and go to the Netherlands to complete your studies?"

  "Father, things don't always go as you planned. I'm a grown-up individual and please be aware that I have my own opinion and choice"

  "Airlangga Soedirohoesodo! You do NOT toy with the Dutch without knowing their intentions! I am trying to ensure your safety as a father!"

  Father was clear enough that he demanded an answer, an honest one. Or this is merely just a bait that my father set up. But he never lied to me, I always looked up to him as an honest man and the only way to repay honesty is just being honest.

  "The Prince... believed that something was off with Mother's death. A connection with the location of what was left by ancient Majapahit"

  Father drowned in silence

  "We spoke about this-"

  "Respectfully, Father... I.. I would feel as if I am the most disrespectful offspring if I don't do something about it," I dared to cut him off because I would never let anyone stop me from finding the culprit, not even my father.

  "AIRLANGGA, everything your Mother told you was just a bedtime story!!"

  "AND FOR WHAT REASON YOU BURNED ALL OF HER JOURNALS? You did NOT even feel any emotions when she was lowered. Not a SINGLE sadness came from your face.."

  Silence, Father decided to not utter any word.

  "Sincerely I am not asking for either forgiveness or support, but I think we both know that at some point I would have a different perspective regarding her," I continued.

  "This is something beyond your immature comprehension. It is not the time to play revenge"

  "As far as this conversation goes, the one that's not telling me everything is you, Father. Is there something that you hide from the public? Something about the plague? Or even bigger secrets that you keep just inside your little tea party with The Company!?" I raised my voice.

  My voice echoed throughout the room, even the carpet and objects around me couldn't suppress the wave. Father glanced at his cup of coffee. His fingers were trembling as he lifted his nightly beverage that kept him awake every night. As hot as hell, yet as dark as a night sky. When the earthy roast hit his tastebuds he exhaled before finally setting back his glance towards me. Maybe I have crossed the lines, but I do believe that Father had never been honest about his first legitimate marriage with Mother. If it's something dangerous why can't he just let me know so I can avoid it in the future? How offensive could it be that it became an instant taboo for a famous doctor like him? Feelings are surely important, but would you cross your own sworn oath just to keep your son out of playing hero to avenge your wife? Come on, Father, be with me on this side. Even if it would cost me my own life, I want my Father to be standing proudly that I'd die of honour defending the freedom of our people.

  "A topic for another day-"

  "Really, Dad??? You asked me to be here just to cut off the conversation like that!!? I respect you as the smartest person in the whole country! And thank you for the scholarship but I chose to be a soldier because I would NEVER beg a Dutch for anything!! The past THREE kings had severed their ties with the company yet you still chose to side with them, WHAT IS EXACTLY ARE YOU HIDING!??"

  Father did not fight back. Although anger controlled me for a brief moment, the guilt started to invade my mind in an instant. Father walked into one of his bookshelves. His old fingers pulled a thick file holder and he put it on his table. The sound of slamming paper piles against the table could be heard from every corner of the house.

  "This came in today. The House of Mergangsan awaits, the messenger said to wear something green"

  "We're not done talking-"

  "YES, we are. Bullets in the living room and no, I did not burn your mother's journal. It was a decoy that your mother told me to burn," Father answered the last time before he left the room.

  I approached the file that my father put on his table. The Royal Insignia stands proudly in the top left corner, the file itself is a red-coloured paper file holder with a 'high degree secret' from the Royal Archive. What is the reason for the Prince sending this to me? A duty call, and some journal books.

  Belongs to: Gusti Kanjeng Ratu Sekar Kedhaton.

  Your Highness Queen Consort Sekar Kedhaton died young. Does it have something to do with my family? Curiosity lingers around my brain, it tells me to open the cover of the book. Yet somehow I do know that something is really close to me and it slows me down to a point I hesitate to know more. It IS a brief material for my meetup with the Prince tonight. I have to read everything.

  "To my dearest son, Airlangga Soedirohoesodo."

  My heart skipped a beat after I read. Whose truth am I reading!? Why am I mentioned in something that I could never Imagine!? My mom was not a Royal, she was just a village girl looking for a fortune in the capital city. What on heaven and earth is going on with this world!?

  "As a mother, I terribly apologize for hiding the truth from you. But your father and I agreed that it was probably the best for your future. I was born as Koes Sapariyam, daughter of Ontoseno, the tenth King Advisor from the House of Pakualaman. In early December 1823, the fourth King was on the way back from a 'pilgrimage' before he got poisoned by someone.

  Before his last breath, he told my father some last orders that had to be done in order to 'protect' both worlds. In which are:

  1. To Pronounce GKR Sekar Kedhaton a.k.a R.Aj Koes Sapariyam dead and to give her a new life in the hands of a Bugis Army under the alias of Gusti Tineke.

  2. Restrict any inquiries, discussions, or talk about the Golden Apple of Wilwatikta.

  3. Protect R.Aj Koes Sapariyam at all cost. The Dutch Governors or any kind of alliances with the Dutch Crowns MUST NOT find Gusti Tineke.

  4. When the time has come, Tineke's bloodline shall return to the Royal Family to fulfil his duty.

  The Fourth King was only 19 years old, but he knew what had to be done to keep the world safe. He's seeing all the bad omen that we, commoners, could not see. The Dutch are NOT here for trade, they are up to something else. Something that is hidden inside our bloodline. My son, if you read this, find me... find my fragmented souls underneath the wretched creatures they sew under our motherland...."

  Mother...

  My mother is still alive??