Chapter Two

  I stand at the top of the stairs to our ft… her ft, beyond the door I can hear her pacing, waiting for me to get home, something she always does when she’s anxious, when there's a big decision to make. But at this point I feel the decision has already been made. I can assume the door has been locked, something that she seems to do when she is home, even more so now as I’m sure she will want to prepare herself when she hears the key in the lock, as it turns, probably wanting me to walk through the door begging her to stay.

  I feel broken by today, but shattered in all the right pces. This time the break is in my mind, not my spine, and I wont be walked on. I have a list, and I'm going to follow it through. Besides, the movers will be here in an hour to take all my things out of the apartment. So… first things first. I breathe deep and clear my mind of all except those numbers, not letting my feelings out this time, there is too much going on and Jane is taking a backseat for this ride.

  I insert my key in the door and feel it give way as it turns in the lock, it opens slowly, intentionally, the sound of Denise as she stops pacing and instead sits down, trying to make it look like she is doing great. I'm gd for her doing so well.

  I enter and put down my box of goodies from work on the counter, not even looking at her, not avoiding her, just as if she wasn't there. I can practically hear her fuming from where she nguishes. “Jane… Jane look at me.”

  I do, with thinly veiled disgust to even hear her voice. “Are you taking the apartment and signing a new lease or will we not be signing it when I leave? I need to know tonight so I can let our ndlord know, Agatha has been wonderful so letting her know tonight will be better.”

  She stares at me, a scoff on her lips as she tries to compose herself. “Is that all you're going to say to me?!”

  I pause as I watch her, the look on her face screams it's not her fault that this is happening, that I could cw and beg, at least try to win her over. “You, Denise Far, are cheating on me.” The words come out easily, without remorse for saying them, with considerations going through my head about if I should spit in her face or not, if it wouldn't be considered assault I might. “With your own admission… Now are you keeping the apartment or are we both leaving so I can tell Agatha.”

  “So you're just out of love with me like that? Y-you're not even going to fight for me?!” I smile at her with emptiness, apathetic at the thought.

  “I lost my job, then found out my girlfriend was cheating on me… maybe if that was all I might beg for you to not leave me for another woman… oh I hope it's a woman, please don't tell me you're suddenly exploring that side after all your admissions of being a gold star lesbian, which is very toxic by the way.”

  “What?! No, it's a woman, someone more woman than you could ever be!” I lean backwards at her words, why is she attacking me so hard over this… is her self-worth that low… I know the answer, it always has been… no matter what I tried to give her, she always seeked attention elsewhere, from other women, even men when she was drunk enough. But I loved her, and looked past it… bmed myself. But I won't anymore, I Jane have a list, and I will tick them all off before this week is done.

  “That's something at least… If after all that, yes, I might have come home ready to throw myself at your feet to be your dog again. Instead, I was given a present that made it all okay to stop feeling. I was told my mother died. The woman that beat me and tried to kill me, hated me for existing and drove me out of my home is now dead. And I get to dance on her fucking grave. So you see Denise, I am done here. Now. Are you taking the apartment or not?”

  “N-no I don't want it. Wait, your mums like dead… I mean I thought it was just your job but… my condol-“

  “SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. DENISE.” I scream at her words, thinking that I may now have to tell people in advance that if they try to comfort me I will retaliate with force. “Now, excuse me while I call our ndlord.” I move into the bedroom with my precious cardboard box and grab out my suitcases before opening them and putting them on the bed. I will have to strip the sheets and put them separately for storage too… ahh my next hour or so is going to be a lot of work. You know what, no fuck it, she can have the sheets and the fucking mattress, who knows how many other people she has fucked in them.

  Ring… Ring… Ring… Click… “Hello, Jane, is that you?” Her voice crackles through the speaker, older and dignified. I can imagine her sitting in her chair looking out into the city, the record pyer softly wafts through from the background.

  “Hii! Agatha, I’m sorry to call you like this, but Denise and I have broken up.” I hear the skank at the doorway, listening, at least trying to be sneaky, but she never was, despite what she thinks about herself she never was a lot of things.

  “Oh… that's not good dear… I'm sorry to hear that, a-are you calling me about the lease… or maybe we could have a chardonnay on the balcony and listen to my tapes.”

  “Both would actually be amazing, yeah it ends in a few months, neither of us will be renewing. Although if Denise changes her mind I'm sure she will contact you. I will be moving out of the city as well. I've already found another pce but I will continue to pay rent so there's no worry there.”

  “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that Jane… you are a wonderful woman and fantastic tenant… make sure you come by before you leave, I can get your signature to make sure you're all settled… and Jane… You always deserved better.

  “Hah I wish I realised that earlier myself Agatha… And of course, I will be over once the movers are here, should only be a few hours and then I’ll be heading off after that.”

  Denise barges in confusion and annoyance on her face. “Y-you're leaving tonight?! What movers?!” I cover the phone, trying to shield Agatha from Denise’s yells, before staring at her in anger and then getting back on the line.

  “I’m sorry about that Agatha, I will see you soon, bye bye! … Excuse me, I was on the phone.”

  “What fucking movers?!” She yells again. I look at her bnkly like she is an idiot, like she didn't realise that her actions would have consequences.

  “You broke up with me, and then told me you were fucking someone else, and now I’m moving out and taking my things, obviously… did you think I would be staying here? That I would just let you walk all over me again?!” I stand back up and tip the cardboard box’s contents into the top pocket of one of the suitcases, before pulling out all the clothes from the closet.

  “Yeah but why movers?! You only have a few suitcases and things… right?!” I look up at her from the bed and crease my brow, shaking my head as I look at her.

  “What?... I didn't think you would be so stupid…” I move over to her and look her in the eyes, trying to get her to realise how much she has fucked up. “Denise… tell me one thing that you bought for the apartment, not things you made me buy or things we went to look at together and made me pay for… things you actually paid with your own money for…” I stare at her unflinching as she seems to realise the predicament she has put herself in. “Did you actually expect me to just what… just roll over and let you take advantage of me? No.” I breathe in and feel relief, relief at not having to think about all the feelings that roil around inside me pathetically, instead letting it all stir like a building thunderstorm of self righteousness.

  “W-we could talk about it and maybe we could just st-stay together you know, like we could renew our lease and pretend nothing bad happened, I mean you just lost your job, you don't have anywhere else to go!” I giggle and it turns to ughter.

  “You don't care about me… I am just a safety net, a pce to come back to… but I won't be here anymore… are you even wanted by this other woman? Or are you just an easy fuck? Will she let you stay in her home? It's not like you could afford the rent for this apartment by yourself.”

  “She sai-“

  “I dont care what she fucking said, or what you said, I am leaving soon, and you will never hear from me again. Okay? Now, please stay out of my way while I pack.”

  I turn my back to her before going back to folding my clothes, making sure they all fit in the suitcases, each having their own pce as I fill it up with countless clothes that I was never allowed to wear, lest I catch any attention. Why should I take all the attention away from her, I didn't want to be a bad girlfriend did I? I would be her pin Jane to come home too. Instead of the lover that I always considered myself. But I was seeing everything so clearly now, like I was finally allowed to think.

  I hear the scrapping of feet on the carpet, and then the creaking of the living room chair, as she curls herself up in it, ‘her’ favourite chair. Something I will be gd to take away, if only to give it to someone more worthy. I finish with the clothes and make my way around the apartment, putting things into piles the best I can until the movers get here with boxes more fit for moving than for cat homes as well as extra hands.

  An hour passes, the whole time she watches me, which only fills me with vigour, fuelled by spite, the person who I wanted to be with a facade that I let myself believe for too long, that I pushed my feelings inside for, for far… too long.

  Bzzz.

  I check my phone and see that the movers are here, a notification of arrival, earlier than they said but thankfully I am mostly done, the rest they can help me with. I go to the door and open it before turning to Denise. “Are you sure you want to stay for the move? Im sure you have other people to fuck around?” She looks at me shocked, that quickly turns to rage, her mouth opening to scream at me before I look out the door and address the movers, ignoring her completely.

  “Thanks so much for coming in on such short notice! Everything needs to go into boxes, furniture can go as well… oh but leave the mattress, just take the frame, I don't want that filthy thing.” They enter the apartment before quickly getting to work, four of them moving around the apartment with ease, unmade boxes under their arms. The air is filled with the sounds of tape snapping and cardboard spines cracking as the apartment comes alive with the noises of me getting the fuck out of here.

  Denise starts to protest them being here but I quickly shut her down as I address the movers, “I let your boss know about the situation, and my ‘ex-housemate’ here wants to be here for this despite me asking, but… I have receipts for all the items in the house so please proceed even if my ‘ex-housemate’ says otherwise.” All the times that she told me it was stupid to keep receipts from everything I bought, that it didn't matter, that what was both of ours was shared… despite her ck of ever getting anything for us… Was that something naive or insidious? I could never tell with her, but the tter seems more pusible now…

  One of the movers gives Denise a look of disgust before leaning over to me, “Should I uhh… start taking the furniture down?… starting with the lighter ones maybe?” I look over to Denise and then nod to the man, hoping that that means she will get out of the apartment for the night at least, but the disgruntled expression on her face says otherwise.

  The man moves to the back of the chair that Denise is making a home in and grabs the back of it, before leaning over her and asking politely. “Miss, this isn't your property, get off, we have a job to do.” She quickly abides, fearful in her movements as the man looks down on her before making a noise of triumph and moving the chair up into the air and then down the stairs. Instead she stands against the wall, leaning into it with disbelief, just watching as everything that she has known for the past three years, convinced me that I needed, gets taken away.

  Neither of us will have had a home tonight, and that thought alone brings me a lot of joy, a sudden feeling of masochism that I don't think was ever there before. She ruined this for us, but with everything sliding into pce so easily I can only be thankful now, thankful that she helped me be free, even if it obviously wasn't her intent. Walking over to her she seems to freeze, before blocking my view of the windowsill, her back seeming to hide something. I realise that she is blocking me from seeing her pnts, a small row of them that she seemed to take more care of than me. “Those were a gift, so legally yours, and I never want to see you again so everything has to be by the book… Denise, why are you even being more dense than usual? Did you expect everything to go your way?”

  She looks at me eyes wide, like a deer caught in the headlights before looking down and trying to look pitiful, and failing, seeming to immensely overestimate my care for her well being. “If I didnt, she was going to break up with me, a-and then tell you, this was the only way for her to stay with me… b-but I did it and she hasnt messaged me back since I sent her proof, a-and she blocked my fucking number fuck, now your going to leave me basically homeless… fuck.”

  I reach out a hand and put it on her shoulder, and as she looks up at me I stare at her bnkly, her look turning from hope to horror in seconds, “You… Dumb bitch Denise… I am so gd that I will never see you again after this…” I nod and take my hand away, before I start helping the movers take everything, making sure it's a faster experience on all of us.

  Denise slumps to the floor and cradles her phone, waiting for a call or message that will probably never come. Did Denise fuck someones partner and that person wanted to ruin her life back? Did someone just want to hurt her for being… her? Everytime I look at her from the corner of my eye it brings a little bit of joy into the pit of roiling pain, soothing it the teensiest bit.

  One of the movers helps me get my suitcases into the car before finishing it all up themselves. I enter one st time, marveling at how empty it now looks. All that was left was a row of pnts on the window sill, some basic things I couldn't bother to store like bins, and a mattress lying in the corner of the bedroom with all the bnkets still on it. Of all the things I am gd of in this retionship, was that I didn't connect my bank account with hers, just let her use my card for things for the apartment, the only thing she ever paid for was rent, something that I am okay with being on the hook for until the lease ends.

  Wishing a happy goodbye to a nobody, I close the door one final time, leaving her dazed against the wall with a click. I tick another thing off my list. Four and a half numbers on the list completed, with each one ticked I feel more in control of my life. Completing the ritual that seems to currently hold my life together.

  I stop off for a final drink with Agatha, making sure to sign anything she needs to show that I am not renewing, and let her know that she can always call me, but that I was done with Denise. That I was done with my life with her. She lets me depart with wizened wisdom. ‘Don't grow old alone, there is pain, but then there is always more love to come along… even if it doesn't feel like it right now.’

  I think of all the pictures of Agatha on the wall, such beauty in her youth, a young lesbian unable to find love in her day and age, I only wish she could have happiness… I will miss our little drinks… maybe the only thing I will miss about this city… If I was to ever come back, it would be for her.

  Starting the car I feel the old thing rev under me, the light of the sun growing dim as it pushes over the horizon. I sigh and pull out the details from Richard, at least it's on the way… I can pass through it and be back at the old home town in… 16 hours… with the stops I guess it's looking at twenty or so hours, not including sleeping.

  With another sigh I put it into drive and check for traffic before heading off to my destination. I drive in silence the whole way, thinking about what I will be coming back to. I have no home now, but at least I know I will have a temporary dwelling… even if it is full of bad memories… I hope I can get it sold soon, then get it out of my life… find a new one to ruin.

  I think to Angelica, her goofy subdued smile as we held each other close that night… I hope I dont run into her… but how can I not, her family owns most of the city… anywhere I go she could be there, and with her signing off on mothers death cert… fuck, in and out Jane.

  Just… in and out… easy… right?