Is this okay? Am I deserving of this?

  Is this overwhelming ease one I can allow to wash over myself?

  Am I being too accepting? Too transparent? Do I need to proceed with caution?

  Why am I so anxious? Why does lack of anxiety frighten me?

  Is this who I am? Should I change? No, change is scary. I can’t embrace that fear, not yet.

  But here I am, on a new journey that I cannot handle. But, I can’t leave, I won’t.

  If I do, I’ll never live the life I want to.

  What even is living if I’m crippled with such afflictions? Fear of the future, unknown variables, and perception? How can a man, a being, be plagued with this sickness and still be sane?

  Am I sane? Am I splitting? That I can’t tell. I’ll only find out if I let someone in, to which I’ll never let happen.

  Vulnerability breeds disappointment, that I know.

  Experiencing it again isn’t nice. I can’t harm myself with that. But what if it’s different?

  I can simply be paranoid. I’m prancing into unfathomed ground. What can I even do?

  This is all from a lie. A lie I used to save myself from reality, this is karma.

  Why must karma exist? My lies didn’t ruin lives…

  I lied again. It did. It ruined mine.

  I dance around in a world of lies with a childish ideal, why?

  What is it worth? What am I worth? This is sickening, I am only human, why worry so?

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  I hate this. I can just go…right?

  Can I continue like this? This deep sense of disgust that lingers below my flesh?

  I just want to be normal, to be loved, to be wanted.

  Isn’t that why he gave me a way out? A way to embrace and deny my lie?

  Maybe…it is okay.

  His words…they felt like they dove into my soul, as if he validated me on who I am, in and out.

  Is that okay? Am I deserving of such grace? Such kindness?

  I don’t believe so…but I desire it. I’m greedy, I know this.

  I’m sorry, mother please understand.

  I want to pursue this greed.

  It makes me feel like I can belong here, is that what would make you happy?

  It brings me an inkling of joy, a warmth I haven’t felt…ever.

  So please, I must evade you longer, until I muster the strength to admit this weakness in my heart.

  If only I was different, born to someone else so I would not feel the guilt of burdening you with a blood tie, born to be someone lovable, then maybe we’d be happy together.

  So, forgive me, I’ll persist, pass my baggage and drag myself along this journey.

  I’ll try to live a new lie, one of confidence, one of worth.

  Expectations are now on me, another pressure I am struck with, but I want it, weirdly enough.

  It makes me feel more…human?

  To be human is to be flawed, that I am riddled with, but I shall embark on this journey to peel back each flaw, so I can learn how to be loved, and love you properly.

  This is why I am still here, to pay back your undeserved kindness.

  So, once more, I beg for forgiveness for stringing along this lie.

  If I could understand love, I know you’d drive me mad, since I wouldn’t be able to stomach how we all exist in the world you do.

  It is unfair to make you my goal, but I pray it pans out.

  I now step forth, Living a life that isn’t for me, I haven’t earned that privilege, I doubt I ever will.

  This is my purpose, a journey to convert myself into someone who you can be proud of, love, and bring you happiness.

  So, wish me luck.

  I am off, latching to a charismatic stranger’s words, for utter salvation.

  It is silly, but this is who I am. I’ll accept this me, even if it is false, I’ll pretend to be okay being myself if it leads to you being happy.

  Mother, I may well fail, yet listen to one more selfish request,

  Don’t hate me for not being someone who can succeed, that would be worse than any death I can imagine.