{Chan} [Stan Parody]

  Chris-chan's mother walks into his rubbish-filled room that has mysterious stains all over.

  Barb: Chris, dinner's ready... Chris?!

  Cwc: Yez, maw! I'll be dair when I'm read-dy.

  Barb: Are you okay, Chris?

  Cwc: It's Chan! It. Is. Chan!

  He applies some lipstick poorly.

  Barb: Okay, Chris. Okay.

  She leaves.

  Cwc: It! Is! CHAAAAN!!!

  Chan opens a letter writing app on his PC and starts writing to Sonic as the music starts up.

  Blaze: My tears grow cold. I'm wonderin' why... I got out of bed at all. The mornin' rain clouds up my window. (Window) And, I can't see you fall. Even if I could, I'd stay away, but your picture on my wall... It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

  Cwc: Dear Son, I been havin' so much fun with what you done that I haven't seen the sun in months.

  Hate to be so blunt, but that crap on Way I Am was wack. You really not comin' back? That'd give me a heart attack so bad I'd land on my back with a crack and squash my dad. But, I'm not mad. Just sad you leavin' us like that.

  But, who gives a scat from rats? How ya doin', man? Got my own new plan. Did a comic scan with a 48 page span. I drew a son for you! His name is Sonichu! The mama's Pikachu. Maybe Amy's got a baby too? Be sure to gimme the scoop.

  And, no. I ain't tryin' to dupe ya.

  What's yo fav cola? Mine's Nuka.

  Sorry, I'm nervous, speakin' to the impervious. You were there before I was.

  Sometimes, I wish you were my cuz instead of David. Sometimes, I play yo games naked and he comes in to yank it. One day, I'll make it and step on his head. Then, he'll be dead as Fred and I'll give you the rotten head.

  Anyways, ain't no scam, want you back, just to chat with yo biggest fan. This is Chan.

  Blaze: My tears grow cold. I'm wonderin' why... I got out of bed at all. The mornin' rain clouds up my window. (Window) And, I can't see you fall. Even if I could, I'd stay away, but your picture on my wall... It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

  Cwc: Dear Sonic, is it ironic that I'm still under your tonic even though our relationship's toxic, but I just can't get off it so I just made art that's erotic? You still ain't wrote me back. Give this Human toad some slack.

  I ain't strokin' ya scrote or sack just to get an answer. What do I gotta do? Get cancer and Make a Wish? I ain't tryin' to say screw to you, man sir. Just whinin' while I bake a pitch. How about this; You and Scootaloo can have a daughter too?

  Before you say “Why I oughtta,” boo, look at this naughty pic I took of you with a bot or two. Put it together with a shot of glue and just a blot of goo.

  Black-mail will prevail to get this whale his piece of tail, but some still say that I'm a cow. I'll make 'em say “Yow” and “Ow” as I crush their cowl with my bowels.

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

  Anyhow, write back when you get it, unless you want me to treat ya like I'm Riddick.

  I ain't mad! Just, don't wanna get back-stabbed by you, man. Just want a girlfriend of my own just to bone. I'll do it on the phone! Or, maybe on my own?

  Anyway, say “Hi” to Ryan Drummond too. Sincerely, Chan.

  PS: Next time you see me, I'll be a woman dude.

  Blaze: My tears grow cold. I'm wonderin' why... I got out of bed at all. The mornin' rain clouds up my window. (Window) And, I can't see you fall. Even if I could, I'd stay away, but your picture on my wall... It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

  Cwc: Dear mister “I'm Too Good To Ever Answer Fans,” mister “Unlike You, I'll Never Crap My Pants!!”

  I'm Not A Pervert!! You make my nerves hurt! I told you I was nervous! I don't deserve it! I wrote my grammar perfect just for you to think I'm worthless!

  Well, this is the last act of the stage play, and I'mma pass! 'Cause this is the last package I'll Ever send on blast!

  This one's voice mail. I hope you hear it clear as I clear the dreary air in here!

  You could've stopped these jerks who suck! From this hole I'm in, you coulda pulled me up, but now I'm stuck and I'm about to cuck 'cause I'm outta luck of findin' a boyfriend-free girl!

  Now, I'm about to leave the Free World as the whole net hurls as I give her V a swirl!

  I better become a prison escapist! 'Cause, you about to hear the lol-cow queen of rapists!

  Barb: Son, No!!

  Cwc: Shut Up, Ma!! *Tape sounds* See, Son? That's my Mom screamin' from my bunk! About to get the spunk that stunk like skunks in her trunk! Now, undoin' my trunks so we can screw this-

  GUN: It's GUN!! Put Your Hands Up, Now!!

  Cwc: Aw, Crap!! Don't Shoot!! I'm in transition, I vow! How am I sendin' this transmission out?!

  Blaze: My tears grow cold. I'm wonderin' why... I got out of bed at all. The mornin' rain clouds up my window. (Window) And, I can't see you fall. Even if I could, I'd stay away, but your picture on my wall... It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

  Sonic sees Chan's first two letters and starts writing his own.

  Sonic: Dear Chan, sorry for not gettin' back for a wide span.

  The site had me on a ban for somethin' lame in the brain, and so I ran to Iran and now I'm back.

  How you doin', man? Here's an autograph for yo hat stand.

  (I wrote it on a Starter cap, like with Stan)

  I'd like to see the comic. Mind sendin' me a scan? You a fan of them pokey-mans?

  And, no. Amy ain't got no baby. Someone likes her maybe, but it ain't me.

  Oh! And, if David tries to yank yo scrote or game, give him a full throat moat soak 'til he chokes, or throw him in front of a motorcade.

  Nah, really. I know I just said it, but don't act like you spend all day on Reddit. All you need to do is threat it and he'll get it.

  That said, Fred still ain't dead. You on meds? He goes by “Lucas” now. You two can still pow wow as you lol, cow.

  But, what's this about a pic you drew to get me to do Scootaloo? That scat's just rude, dude. Don't wanna say “Screw you” too, but look what you make me do!

  And, what's with these fantasies about violence? I write these melodies so ya don't go down the route that I went, or coulda gone. Just singin' songs about my long dong to get it on!

  But, for real, what's the deal? The way you spiel about women makes me reel.

  Reminds of one story, and another. One's about my mother and how that Egg used to beat her. Wanted to stab him with an egg beater for the way he'd mistreat her.

  Story two is just as true. Had it on mute, but I saw it on the news that this dude was gettin' with his own ma in the nude!

  Don't mean to intrude, but don't go do that too. Said he was into Sonic and Pikachu. Reminded me of Sonichu.

  Now that I think about it, his name was

  The music cuts out.

  Sonic: … It was you... Man.

  Sonic leans back and thinks.

  Sonic voiced by Slim Shady

  Blaze voiced by Dodo

  Cwc voiced by Eminem

  Barbara voiced by the real Barbara

  GUN guy voiced by Dr. Dre