TheLilyinBloom5963

  As I lie back in my chair, I feel the afternoon rays of sunlight wash over me. I always loved napping in this spot, though today i was finding it hard to rex. My thoughts just kept swirling as I picked up the picture of Mara, my wife, from the side table and held it close. It’s hard to believe that it has been five years since I lost her in that awful accident.

  I remember that day like it was yesterday. I don’t think the memory will ever fade. I had been taking the whole family for a drive on a day trip to the Scenic Caves near Collingwood. We had just passed through Wasaga Beach when a pick-up truck ran a red light and crashed into the right side of our car. They say that Mara had died on impact, but as I sat there, my head still spinning from the collision, I heard her. I heard her st words. Just a simple ‘I love you,’ but those words have always stuck with me. Even with her dying breath, she made sure I knew just how much she loved me. Luckily, my son Zach had been sitting behind me. Otherwise, I would have lost him as well.

  Mara had been my moon and stars, but even now, I still hadn’t gotten over it. I was still too scared even to drive a car. Sure, the government allowed me a small stipend to live off of for my PTSD, but it wasn’t enough to give my son the life I had hoped to give him.

  I could feel all the old emotions bubbling up as I struggled to keep them all in check. I couldn’t risk Zach seeing me as someone weak. It was bad enough that I lied to him about having a day job. I needed to be strong for him. I needed to be a man, a father, and a role model. Even if I was bad at it. I wiped away the budding tears just in time to hear the pounding of feet coming down the stairs. Damn, was it already 5 o’clock? I quickly put the photo back as I struggled to climb out of my chair. All these years of stagnation hadn’t been kind to me. I made my way over to the doorway just in time as Zach’s friend pulled up.

  I waved as Zach made his way down the driveway. “Alright son. Have a good time.” I couldn’t help but notice that he tensed up momentarily before climbing into his friend’s car. He hadn’t used to flinch when I talked to him. But now, whenever I tried to get close to him or spend some father-son bonding with him, he always looked miserable. I don’t know what I did, but it was my fault. It had to be.

  I slowly allowed the door to close before I leaned against it. “Fuck.” Every time I saw him flinch or tense up, it felt like a knife digging into my chest. I was doing this, I was hurting my son, my only family left. I had done something to make him react like that, and now, he was too afraid to get close or even spend time with me. I must have done something. What other reason could there be? I can still remember how I felt when I was Zach’s age. I’d reacted the same way to what my father had done. Whenever he’d so much as walk behind me or shout, it would send a bolt of fear down my spine, and it had taken me years of unsuccessful therapy before Mara had helped me get over that. It was why I’d sworn to never get physical with Zach. I knew firsthand how physical abuse could affect you. I’d never id a hand on him, and I never would.

  I finally stood back up and walked back towards the living room, my eyes scanning the photos that lined the hall. While most of them had been put up by Mara, I had slowly added to the wall over the years, pictures of me and Zach together. Honestly, while it looked like he was smiling for the camera, it was fake. Every photo of him smiling since he was 13 was fake. It was easy for me to spot. I can’t remember the st time I didn’t fake a smile.

  Once I’d snagged a beer from the fridge, I slumped into my big, comfy recliner. I don’t know why I even drink the stuff. I wasn’t trying to get drunk, and lord knows I’d stopped being able to taste the stuff years ago. Lying back in the chair, I cast my gaze towards the TV, my thoughts turning to Zach again as he climbed into the car earlier, flinching as I tried to say goodbye. I was such a terrible parent. How had I managed to screw up to such a point that my son was afraid of me? I was such a failure, just like Dad had said. Fuck. Man’s been buried for 3 years, and I still can’t escape him.

  I felt like I couldn’t sit still as I climbed back out of my chair and started pacing around the room. I must have done something, something to hurt him or make him feel unloved. Maybe… it hurts just thinking of it, but maybe Zach would have been happier if Mara had survived. I’d tried as hard as I could to make up the difference by being there for him, but it was clear that every time I tried to do any form of father-son bonding with Zach, it just ended up hurting Zach or making him miserable. It’s why I’d stopped. But it killed me to do so. It felt like my son was slipping away, and I don’t know what to do. Zach was all I had left. Sure, my “famliy” was still around, but I’d cut ties with them a long time ago, after Mara passed.

  After pacing back and forth in the living room enough times that I felt like I would burrow a rut into the carpet, I decided to head to my bedroom. I wanted to pull out the old photo albums to look at the good times. At the times when Zach used to smile. On my way there, I noticed that Zach’s door was slightly ajar, which was odd. Normally, he kept it locked tight. It was not like I would judge him for his belongings or anything. Something caught my eye as I was just about to shut the door and move on. There, sitting on Zach’s desk, were two colour capsules. Like the ones you get out of a vending machine. As long as I’d taken care of him, I’d never known Zach to collect things. Or, at least, I’d never seen him with any collectible merchandise.

  With my interest sufficiently piqued, I eased the door open and made my way over to Zach’s desk. It had been years since I had set foot inside Zach’s room. When he turned 14, he insisted on getting a lock for it and made it clear that he didn’t want anyone in there. I couldn’t help but feel bad for invading his personal space, but this was the first time I had been in this room for 4 years. Upon inspection, the capsules seemed to be the standard ones you would get out of a vending machine at a grocery store, though the pstic was frosted, so I couldn’t see what was inside. A quick twist and a small pop ter, and there was a carefully knit plushy of a red panda as well as a small folded note in my hand.

  Looking around the room, I failed to notice anything simir to the plushy in my hand. Everything looked neat and tidy, if minimalist, except for the fg on the back of Zach’s door. I had never seen it before, consisting of pastel colours of white, pink, and blue. I figured it would be something to ask Zach about ter. With that, my eyes nded on the folded note in my hand. It seemed like a folded Post-it note as I unfolded it.

  “Hey Stacey, hope you like the plushy, just remember that this a one way transformation, though i doubt you are going to back out now. Once you are ready just say the word ‘Eeep!’ and wait for the magic to unfold. Oh, I included a second capsule, just in case.”

  Hmm, it seems like this is a gift for someone. I’d never heard of Stacy before, but with my curiosity sufficiently sated, I quickly packed the folded note and the little plushy back into the capsule and pced it on the desk before turning around and stepping over the pile of clothes at my feet. My fluffy tail swished back and forth as I made my way back to the living room. At least seeing Zach’s room had managed to knock me out of the downward spiral.

  Once I’d reached the living room, I stood on my hind legs and hopped into my normal spot on my big comfy chair. The sun was still bearing down on the chair, which was nice and warm. I quickly curled up in a ball using my tail as a pillow before drifting off.