Priority number one was air conditioning. It was just past noon, which meant the temperature was now cresting the mid 40s. I would die from heatstroke before I even saw the next alien at this rate.

  I lounged in the shade, sipping another of those drinks. This one was yellow flavoured. I asked for it on a whim, and sure enough, it tasted like yellow.

  “So, Alyrix, let's buy some shit.”

  What sort of feces would you like, and in what quantity?

  I giggled.

  “Cut the crap, you know what I meant.”

  I see what you did there. Would you like to purchase a joke catalogue to improve your future attempts at humour?

  “You have a joke catalogue?” I asked.

  If it exists, I have a catalogue for it.

  “Is there a catalogue for a better, less smartass AI?”

  “ am afraid not. Such a thing would have to exist for me to have a catalogue for it.

  “A shame,” I replied, sipping my yellow. It was a little disturbing how yellow it tasted. It was even more disturbing that the drink itself was blue. It was probably just Alyrix fucking with me.

  “So, I want to buy some armour, and a better weapon,” I said, “I don't think a bat is going to cut it.”

  That Model Six was huge. I doubted my bat would have even scratched it, and I didn't want to rely just on my throwables. If something got close, I wanted to be able to kill it.

  That is certainly achievable. Do you have any particular sort of weapon in mind?

  I considered that for a moment before I shrugged.

  “Not really, you have any ideas?”

  Well, since you seem to enjoy smashing things, I would suggest purchasing a blunt weapon. There are a number available in your Improvised Melee Weapons Catalogue.

  “Like a really big hammer?” I could get behind that idea.

  Size is limited by your flimsy human body. You would be unable to lift many of the available hammers. However, that does not mean we don't have options. We simply need something that doesn't require strength to do damage.

  “What do you have in mind?”

  How would you feel about a steam powered pneumatic sledge hammer?

  “I know that I like several of those words. How does it work?”

  It is a relatively lightweight sledgehammer that, upon impact with a surface, uses a blast of extremely high pressure steam to propel a nail at supersonic speeds into the target.

  Was I drooling? I think I was.

  “Okay, two questions. How much, and does it come in pink?”

  Thirty points, and it comes in any colour you like.

  “Deal,” I said immediately. Then I corrected myself. “Wait, no. Can you make the head look like a bunny?”

  I can, though it would cost you an extra point, and I am compelled to ask why.

  “Because bunnies are cute, obviously.”

  Obviously.

  New purchase: Steam-Hydraulic Assisted Recoilless Tension Hammer:

  Points reduced to: 454

  A long box appeared in front of me, made from a solid looking cardboard. I caught the cops eyeing me curiously as they sheltered in the shade as well.

  Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  I opened the box to reveal a long, stylish, pink hammer. It had a head shaped like a rabbit. The nose had a small hole in the tip, and the ears curved back to form the... claw? The thing you used to pry nails out after you bent them.

  I picked it up. It was surprisingly light.

  “Do I just like, hit something with it?” I asked.

  Yes,” Alyrix replied, “Hit something with the nose, and the hammer will do the rest. There is a slot in the handle to load a strip of nails. It will fire the steam without a nail, which will still be highly effective against smaller models.

  “How many nails does it hold? And how many times can I hit something before it runs out of steam?” I asked, giving the hammer a heft.

  It carries forty nails, with the same number of steam bursts. However, we can improve that my suggestion for your armour.

  I looked up from where I was admiring the smooth rubber handle of the hammer.

  “Oh yeah, I almost forgot. What's your suggestion?”

  One hundred points will net you the Class One Magma Dweller Technology catalogue. It contains a selection of technology developed by a species renowned for their metallurgy and pneumatic systems. The catalogue contains several options for armour that will interface with your new hammer.

  I froze. Other species? I mean, I knew that aliens existed. I just spent two hours bludgeoning them to death, after all. I even had an alien AI in my head. But there was just something different about being told that intelligent species existed out there. And that they, apparently, liked using steam.

  “Okay,” I said, “What sort of armour are we talking about?”

  For three hundred points you could purchase a durable, lightweight skin suit with added armour plating. It is proof against most small arms fire, contains internal cooling, heat dispersion and impact gel to provide protection against both moderate temperatures and blunt force trauma. It also has an in-built pneumatic pressure system that will provide you with a moderate boost to your physical abilities. It however, lacks the self repair and in-built medical suites of other, similarly priced suits.

  I nodded along. It sounded good so far. Though it did raise one question.

  “Why wouldn't I buy one of those with the med and repair stuff?”

  It provides two benefits. The first is that the superior protection and physical enhancement suits your intended style of combat. It will allow you to hit harder, throw further, and even provide minor aim assist. The second is that it is designed to interface with other pneumatic systems as part of a modular unit, allowing you to improve and customise it without requiring replacement.

  “Customising sounds good,” I mused. I liked the idea of being able to mix and match my gear as I liked. Also, if I understood correctly, it was lightweight steam-fuelled power armour, which was just fucking awesome.

  The main drawback is that you will need an external power source if you intend to connect more than a few accessories. However, it was designed with that function in mind, and the right power source will even add to the suit’s functionality.

  “You had me at accessories,” I said, “Accessories are a girl’s best friend.”

  Would you like to purchase the suit?

  “Can I choose what colour it's in?”

  Of course you can, would you like a model to view?

  I blinked.

  “You can do that?” I asked.

  Of course, I can project it to your augs.

  An image popped up of a suit. One which was wrapped around a familiar body. A familiar body with a few unfamiliar alterations. My eyes were immediately drawn to the two most notable changes.

  “Alyrix, why do you have a model of me? And why did you make my boobs so big?”

  Why wouldn't I have a model of you? I need it for exactly this purpose. And your boobs are extra huge because it is funny. Besides, it is not uncommon for most Vanguard to make aesthetic changes to their bodies.

  I rolled my eyes.

  “I’m not giving myself bimbo tits. Make the model normal.”

  If you insist.

  The model shifted to have more human proportions. I examined it closely.

  “Make the undersuit black. No, charcoal. The armour plates white, but add some pink accents. And, I want a butt skirt. Make it ruffled.”

  The model shifted and changed. The result was a suit of armour consisting of white plates over a charcoal grey body suit. The plates covered my torso, legs, arms and so on, with the sections in between protected by the leather-like undersuit. A few brass coloured pipes connected the different plates. The undersuit at the waist flared out to form a ruffled miniskirt that dipped down low at the back, reaching to the back of my knees.

  It was, in a word, fucking awesome.

  “Buy it.”

  New Purchase: Class One Magma Dweller Technology unlocked.

  Points reduced to: 354.

  New Purchase: Thermal Integrated Tactical Steam Suit Mark One.

  Points reduced to: 54.

  A box appeared in front of me. I tore it open excitedly to see a single breastplate, a pair of gloves, and a pair of boots.

  “That doesn't look like a suit of armour,” I remarked.

  Step into the boots, put the gloves and chestplate on, and it will assemble itself.

  I picked up the breastplate, which was rather heavy, and frowned. It seemed rather snug.

  “Will it fit over my clothes?” I asked, looking at my baggy PE gear.

  Yes, but it would not be ideal.

  I looked around for somewhere private to change. I wasn't about to give the cops, who were watching me curiously, a strip show, even if I was sure they would turn around if I asked them. Instead I grabbed the box and headed over to a small utility shed.

  “Got a key?” I asked the cop.

  “Afraid not,” he replied.

  “That's okay, I do,” I said. I would get to test out my new hammer. Unfortunately, Alyrix decided to be helpful.

  Allow me.

  A moment later there was a click and the door swung open.

  “You’re no fun,” I grumbled. Pouting, I stepped into the tiny space, pulled the door mostly closed, and began to change.

  “I smell,” I remarked to Alyrix. A few hours of killing aliens in the sun had left me absolutely reeking with sweat.

  One point from your Medical Utilities catalogue will purchase you a deodorising cleansing spray.

  One Shower-In-A-Can later, and I was less gross and tugging on my new armour. I got all the bits on and it sealed itself around me. My entire body was soon covered in armour. I suddenly felt a whole lot better being in a warzone. Cooler too, I could already feel the heat regulators working. There was only one problem though. My head was exposed, something I had failed to consider until I noticed the temperature difference.

  “Alyrix, got any cute helmets?"

  There are several options, yes.

  “Do any of them have bunny ears?”

  I can add bunny ears.

  “Cool! Does forty points work?”

  It certainly does.

  A helmet appeared before me. Sure enough, it had bunny ears.

  I put it on. There was a small hiss of air, and I was treated to a soothing chill. It smelled faintly of roses.

  I mimicked your choice of antiperspirant. The helmet is environmentally sealed and joined to the suit. You can now comfortably withstand most earth environments.

  “What do I look like right now?” I asked. Alyrix provided me with a render.

  “I look… dangerous.” I remarked.

  You look like a Vanguard.

  I grinned. Outside, I could hear the police reinforcements arriving.

  “I guess it's time to act like one then.”