Egbert dropped the whole gold coin that the Iffy Mana converter cost and plopped it right into the alcove pressed against Contempt’s honeycomb wall. The converter was a dramatic-looking contraption; the man-height square metal box had a front window that let you see rows of flickering crystals. The bottom had a small padded chute that the crystals would drop into, and the entire thing was very uncomfortably hot to the touch.
[3 Silver] [1 Gold]
Perfect, now I have a reason for people to hop all the way over here and a problem to be fixed trying to get a veritable bomb back across a jumping puzzle. I should really ask Max whenever he's done hiding from his shame how much mana crystals like these go for. I have no clue what to set the price at. But first!
Egbert bought a simple toll item called a coin-locked case; it was just a strong glass box with a coin slot that would let you open it for a few silver and set it up right next to the Mana crystal dispenser. Then he bought a small, extremely well-padded chest nearly overflowing with a pillow-like interior. He stuck that in the case along with a tiny note overhead. “Just spend the silver; don’t explode because you were cheap. :)” Ehhh, the smiley at the end might be too much, but it's fun.
Egbert went down into the pit trap with Bully and put a couple of clusters of valuable rocks, both to try and lure people down and to give the poor bugger some more things to play with. He had been dragging Jeb's bag around like it was his only friend for the last day. Stop doing that; it makes me feel like a bad pet owner.
[1 Gold]
A few of the other bugs would pop down to say “hi,” but inevitably Bully would basically shoo them off his lawn. Man, you have to get better at making friends. I don’t have any damn idea who to put down there with you that you wouldn’t immediately scare off. Ehh, I bet Thrognar will try and pet you; that will be fun.
Alright, let's get started on the village; it's already got the world's pissiest mimic pretending to be the lavatory. A bunch of good old treasure chest mimics doing gods knows what. And a many-eyed horror I might as well have pulled from the depths of hell that is going to try and play with every poor damned soul it sees. Now I just need a reason that literally anyone would ever want to go there!
Egbert looked over the rundown village; he had one gold coin left and an idea. He opened up the shop to the specialized containers.
[Madman's Key Chest] (2 Silver)
This chest requires three keys to open it and also comes with one hundred keys; yeah, only three of them are the right keys. It's a bit mean.
People are going to try and set fire to me after this, I'm sure of it. Good thing I'm basically fireproof, I think… Egbert bought two of the Madman’s chests, placing one in the living room of a house and the other in the bedroom of another. Then he more or less zoomed around tossing keys willy-nilly about the village. Some ended up on roofs; some were hidden in the fountain; he even stuffed a few into the mushroom garden.
He was pleasantly surprised that he was in fact able to buy more of the real keys for reasonably cheap and set them up in the dead center of the road inside display boxes that cost one gold coin to open. There we go! Let the scavenger hunt begin! And if you are actually losing your shit between trying endless keys on mimics or just can't find the right key...well, here you go, a nice little shortcut for sale!
[5 silver]
Egbert watched. In amused fascination as the mimics scurried into the rooms with a madman’s chest. Settling in next-ish to the real ones and matching their three-keyhole appearance. Egbert looked at the cluster of three chests nestled amid a pile of keys, only three of which would work and only in the right keyhole and in the right chest. Wow...uhh, this one might be too hard...I'll add rewards to the chest later; no one is going to get those open right now anyway.
Egbert scrolled through the store for nearly an hour; he was sure it would have something like the item he wanted. Finally he found something that fit the bill in a sub-subcategory of toll items. The number of options he had at the start was pretty overwhelming and only getting worse with every level up.
[Call Em Off! Pass] (4 Silver)
It comes with ten nifty ribbons; they were collars, but literally nothing you have has a damned neck. Adventures that pay for the pass receive protection from the monsters with ribbons on them for twenty-four hours. "Protections" is a real loose term here; the monsters can’t actively try to kill them...everything else is pretty open to interpretation. (obviously can be deactivated if someone is trying to, you know, kill your core.)
Perfect! Now I can stock my halls with proper monsters and make people pay not to be eaten! Egbert paused for a moment, wondering how in the span of a week a thought like that now didn’t even faze him; he shrugged and just proceeded with the purchase.
Stolen story; please report.
[1 silver]
He plopped it right at his front door and priced it at a hefty five silver coins. Next he went on a ribboning spree. All the treasure chest mimics except the one hiding in the bug room got one. Contempt begrudgingly got one stuck to him; it shrunk to match his size amusingly. Hopefully people could hunt for loot bugs in the playground again. Finally, Remorse and Boo each got one too. That would stop the wealthy clients from immediately and unexpectedly getting murdered.
Would the ribbons stop people from having a really bad time? Almost certainly not, and to be honest, Egbert wouldn’t be even slightly surprised if Contempt just started trying to feed everyone that annoyed him to Bully.
He had a few new ways to generate income and had successfully coaxed Remorse into stuffing his core into a hole in the cave wall in the village. Once he covered it up with some fake cavern wall, he felt pretty good about his odds. Alright I need to be ready the world is going to be finding out about me fast now. Cromwell is running back to the mages' tower crying right now, I'm sure.
Egbert thought about the mages and the unique threat they offered for a moment. Then he zoomed to his front door and changed the engraving. “Welcome to the Greedy Dungeon: wealth and power await those with heavy purses. The cheap need not enter. Mages not allowed. I will feed you to the mimics.” Not the most welcoming, but it'll do!
Max didn’t make him wait terribly long; he had only just started to settle into the fifth succession war of the loot bugs. Twitch was using Bubba’s absence to push his loyalist forces into the center of the playground. So far he had captured two towers and a fort directly next to Bubba’s castle, but Bubba’s stalwart defenders had all rallied to the castle’s walls.
Contempt watched the proceedings from the tangle of ropes in the distance like a judgmental god, not lifting a mandible to help either side. The only time he acted was when a fleeing scout dared venture towards his domain; he cast them down into the sacrificial pit with Bully. Letting out a hissing chant to warn off any other interlopers.
Egbert didn’t pull himself away from the drama as Max waltzed in, looking appropriately nervous. He addressed the pet rock cautiously, “Sooo...sorry that got so...complicated…”
Egbert was going to let him sweat a bit more; he didn’t really blame him, but he couldn’t just let him know that he had his dungeon mystique to maintain after all. “Shhhh…shhhh…this is the best part…” Egbert hissed from the rock.
Twitches' forces had launched a vicious final attack on the walls of Bubba's castle. They scurried up the sides in a golden tide as the defenders struck back, throwing them bodily from the walls, never allowing them to get a true foothold. The momentum changed when Twitch himself leapt from a neighboring captured tower with a humming warcry, flying over the wall and straight into the midst of the defenders. He ravaged the defenders' unprotected flanks, flinging several from the walls to his horde below.
Max was watching it all with a slack-jawed expression. “Uhh...what the fuck are the loot bugs doing? Are you making them do that?”
Egbert answered ominously, “My creations do as they will, within the confines of the world I hath provided them with…”
Max looked at the rock with a solid “whhaatt…” face. Before bracing himself, “So...we good? The mages just kind of inserted themselves, and yeah…Cromwell is one hundred percent running back to the college to tattle on us. I might actually be a bit fucked, to be honest, since I noticed a decided lack of his apprentices. The new engraving is, uhh...interesting.” There was a long awkward silence.
Egbert sighed; he was having a hard time keeping up the mysterious dungeon facade with the only person he had really been honest with so far in his new life. “Yeah, we are fine; your share is in a little pile just past the shrine. Just please, Max, no more mages.”
Max scurried as fast as his leg would take him over to a small pile of silver with a grin. “Hey, this haul isn’t too bad.”
“Yeah, once I stripped the corpses bare of any valuables, it really was my most profitable day so far!” Egbert said enthusiastically. Max flinched mightily at that cringing as he started looking at the coins he was pocketing to make sure they didn’t have any mage bits on them. Alright Max, you are hanging around like a guilty pet at this point. Grab your shit and go unless you want to take bets on the new playground hierarchy.
Max paused for a moment after filling his coin purse. ”Soo…Greed, I have an idea or three…” He looked way too nervous about whatever he wanted to say. Egbert remained silent. Whatever new group or scheme you have, Max, I'm sure it won’t be more surprising than my induction of eight-legged demons into the ranks of my defenders.
Max let out a long sigh… “I’m going to sell my tavern and buy the waterfall and lake land if you will let me build a tavern in the dungeon! We have maybe a week before the nobility finds out there's a dungeon here now and the land value skyrockets.” He said it all breathlessly, obviously expecting Greed to laugh at him. Well, shit, never mind, count me surprised.
Egbert asked the important questions first: “How will that help me? And what are the tax implications…?”
Max squared up to the rock, obviously excited that he hadn’t been shot down straight off. “So I could cater to the super rich, no where else on the planet can you grab an ale mid-dungeon delve and sleep in the comfort of an inn. I’ll be able to charge a fucking fortune, and the kind of people who would pay for that aren’t paupers. I’m sure you could make use of that kind of clientele; maybe offer some kind of VIP pass to the dungeon for an exorbitant amount?”
Hmmm, that does potentially have an awful lot of benefits, and I know I could bilk the pampered nobles for all they are worth. Not to mention if Max tries to screw me, I have a brain-melting spider now! Building a tavern, though...would be a massive undertaking for both of us and require me to probably have a few more classic open-styled dungeon floors instead of just puzzle rooms, however…
Egbert mulled the possibilities before returning to his previous question, “And the tax implications?”
Max shrugged. I don’t know, man... I’m a tavern owner, not an accountant.
Egbert practically chortled to himself at an idea he had. ”Does Eden’s Vale happen to have tax breaks for orphanages?”
Max’s face ran through a few emotions before settling onto cautious optimism. “Yeah...I think so, but Greed, why…?”
In the most serious tone possible, Egbert answered honestly. “There is no way feeding a handful of brats costs more than whatever godawful amount the crown is going to try and collect from us in a few months. Trust me, orphanages are the best way to scam the government possible.” Max looked unconvinced.
PATREON LINK
