Egbert eyed the general area the invisible little bitch of a mage was in, predatorily circling around his core’s hiding spot. Alright, calm down, Egbert; it's buried. In there pretty good; it'll take him a bit to dig it up even if he does know exactly where it is. Contempt is doing whatever the little upstart feels like doing, and I can’t command him. Let's see what happens if I upgrade the world's cheapest mimic and throw it at another mage; he at least listens, sort of. No matter what, it will probably be cost-effective.

  Egbert had pretty much known he could upgrade his minions from his skill description; he just hadn’t tried yet. At this point he still felt like he was padding out the basic necessities of his dungeon. But survival was survival. He hovered over to Buyer's Remorse; the scraggly bastard was still slumped against the wall digesting his magic-flavored snack.

  Rise and shine, it's feeding time. Buyers Remorse just wobbled his arms in front of himself, giving a half-hearted attempt at sitting up before flopping back against the wall with another contented belch. Really, you have wanted nothing more than the opportunity to slake your bloodlust since I brought you into this mortal coil! Now is your time! Remorse really tried this time. Egbert's cajoling was effective; he tottered all the way onto his feet before toppling over two steps later, just lying there with an overfull groan.

  AAGHHH...fine, fine...I'm just going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume if you could, you would...So, my valued employee, how about we give you the tools needed to defend your home? Egbert focused on Remorse and tried to spend some money on him. An entirely new screen opened up.

  [Silver 5] [Gold 2]

  [Evolve 4 Silver]

  [Improve 4 Copper]

  Oh…Bollocks! I don’t even think he can get over there as he is! Egbert cautiously selected "evolve."

  [Silver 1] [Gold 2]

  [Door Mimic Tier-1](lvl8) Evolutions Available

  [Stronghold Mimic Tier-1](lvl32)

  Capable of holding back the most rabid of barbarians This mimic likes to plug up important passageways and let adventurers wear themselves out trying to get past it. Then it just eats the shit out of its exhausted foes. Slow and spectacularly stupid but damned effective.

  [Oasis Mimic Tier-1](lvl32)

  This one is kind of a dick by nature; it disguises itself as something an adventurer would desperately want: a comfy couch, a health potion, or maybe even just a damned bathtub. It lets them get reeeeaalll cozy with it, you know, sink into the relief. (Not for the health potion, though; if they drink the mimic, they are so dead it isn’t even funny). And then they eat the poor sod just when he thinks his day is getting better.

  [Ravenous Mimic Tier-1](lvl32)

  This crazed bastard was dug out of some old ruins. In the Forsaken lands, the guys that dug it out are dead because, well, of course they are. If you wanted one part subpar mimic, one part blood-crazed vampire, and just a dash of weird, this one is for you. Once it tastes its foe’s blood, it doesn’t stop until it either eats the prey or it dies.

  Well crap, I'm not going to lie, I'm going to buy at least one of those Oasis mimics at some point because that is utterly hilarious, but not helpful right now! It's too late for the stronghold version to save my beautifully faceted behind. Happy Birthday, Remorse. I think you are about to get much better at eating people.

  Egbert flinched as he spent the coin required for the upgrade. He would have rather just sent the more martial loot bugs after the bastard, but so far all of them just ignored him. And honestly, he was really curious. It costs ten times as much gold as the creature's base cost to evolve. Remorse…it had to be worth it...right?

  Remorse stiffened against the wall suddenly as a haze of golden mana enveloped his bloated form, obscuring it from sight. A wet ripping sound echoed across the loot bug playground, accompanied by eerie flashes of golden light as the mist began changing Remorse. Far too long arms with flesh pressed paper-thin against bone suddenly jutted from the cloud, wicked claws scratching deep into stone. As remorse rose anew. Uhhh…hey buddy….

  It was still a mimic...sort of. His body had been lengthened to a gratuitous extent; limbs were now disgustingly long and spindly, and an amorphous roiling blob of flesh clung to what should be a torso, shifting wildly between the appearance of nearby objects. One hungry red eye was appearing and disappearing all across its body as it looked around. Hey Remorse, go that way! There's food over there!

  Gone was the awkward shuffle as it ran; instead, it was an ungodly clamber, walking on its long limbs like a spider might in long, disconcerting movements that ended abruptly. It clawed its way through into the loot pit room, and its single eye rolled around in excitement.

  Brom took one good look at the mimic, shook his head violently, and grabbed hold of his nearby apprentice. “Mages done pissed da dungeon off; time ta go!” There was a bright flash from a device around Brom's neck as he evacuated himself and his apprentice.

  If you come across this story on Amazon, it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.

  Now it was just Remorse and the mage's apprentice left in the dungeon. Cromwell had fled, and Max had skipped out on the clusterfuck he had started. The apprentice was using an earth spell to violently rip chunks of stone free with each wave of his hand. He was disturbingly close to the core at this point. Don’t Let Me Die!!! I made you! Well...purchased, but the point still stands: get him!

  Remorse’s chest quickly changed into a massive fanged maw with very pointed fangs and a lolling tongue that reached the floor. He let out an excited trill and galloped forward. Egbert would have shat himself seeing that thing running at him like that in his last life. The mage wasn’t doing much better.

  His face had twisted into one of pure “Oh gods, I’ve fucked up.” And he pushed his mana down dangerously fast, blasting through the stone around the core, exposing its flawless golden facets. He scooped it up into his dirty hands just as Remorse tried to leap OVER the pit. He nearly made it too, falling only a stride or so short.

  Unfortunately for Remorse and Egbert, the pit was still filled with pouring oil on slanted steps. He landed in a skid and slid sideways with a frustrated squeak. Before thudding down a half dozen steps in a maddening tangle of limbs. “Grroarr…” Came somewhat pitifully from the hungry creature after it came to a stop at the bottom of the pit, holding its aching eyeball it had hit on at least two steps.

  The apprentice mage looked wildly at his glimmering prize. “HAHAHA yes, yes, I can cast anything with this!” He looked at the door to the abandoned village next to him and back towards the pit, where a very annoyed remorse was slowly climbing towards him, its tongue running all along his fangs hungrily. The mage pushed open the door to the cave village and stepped in, slamming it shut behind him.

  Sir, unhand my soul! Gods, he doesn’t even plan to sell me; he is just going to use me like a magical juice box! I could at least respect the efforts if you had a good sustainable business plan! Egbert watched in horrible realization as the mage sealed the door behind himself with an absolute flurry of spells, each layering another interlocking barrier over the door. Remorse was still very much so on the other side of the now magically sealed door. You...you can’t, do that…that's…FUCK.

  Egbert was actually starting to panic now; the mage had him literally in hand in a locked chamber that he had none of his defenses in. He opened the store and threw coins at another pair of Loot Bug bullies, willing them to spawn right at the bastards' feet.

  [Cannot Purchase New Monsters, Core Threatened]

  Why the hells not? This is literally the time I need it most!

  [Balancing Concessions]

  Egbert hadn’t expected the system to answer him again, but he was definitely starting to suspect some of the system messages he got weren’t exactly from the system itself, and the deity that had stuffed him into a dungeon was pretty actively involved in all this bullshit.

  The mage had wandered slightly into the village and was standing in the street practically fondling Egbert. Stop that; it's unseemly! The mage held the core out slightly in his hand, and mana began swirling around him as he read a line of script from a small grimoire in his other hand. “By the currents of power we do borrow this conflux of power…” Egbert zoomed away looking for anything he could use to stop the mage.

  There was nothing, empty rotten homes, a lot of very immobile mushrooms, and a gurgling fountain that needed to either receive some love or be burned. The only other thing...Oh no, please, why...? Egbert's gaze hesitantly rose to an ungodly cluster of spiders above the mage sloshing as their eyes tracked him and their unholy legs skittered to keep purchase on the ceiling.

  Egbert wished he could cry as he brought his view directly next to the fattest spider directly above the mage. He hesitantly reached out to the spider, trying to see if he could upgrade it. GAAAHHHHH, maybe I should just let the damn mage juice me! Egbert “Touched” The spider and a window popped open.

  [Cave Slosher Tier-1] (lvl 4)

  [Integrate Species?]

  [Yes]

  [No]

  Oh, you rat bastard of a system, can’t I just get one? Egbert practically wrestled with his revulsion as he selected yes.

  [Cave Slosher Tier-1] (lvl 4)

  [Evolve 6 Silver]

  [Improve 6 Copper]

  Egbert had accepted his fate; at this point he was just about to have an entire room that he never visited unless contempt decided to be merciful and launch a genocide. He selected evolution and braced for what awfulness would be offered. There was a noticeable hitch, like the descriptions had to be revised briefly, and then the window opened almost unnecessarily slowly.

  [Darkseer Skitterer Tier-1](lvl29)

  Ho boy, didn’t expect there to be spiders in this dungeon, but here we are... If you want a skulking, stealthy critter that bends shadows to its whims, this guy is for you. It will stalk its prey for hours before choosing the perfect moment to strike. Not a big fan of torches though, or really any source of light.

  *[Golden Spinneret Tier-1](lvl32)

  Damn, look at that! You got your first custom-tailored upgrade option not even a week in! This plump bastard of a spider takes it personally when anyone in its vicinity has gold. That gold belongs to it, well and the silver; it's a bit apathetic about the coppers, but it will take those too. This spider weaves complex, stunning webs from precious metals and uses said webs in combat.

  *[Gem-Eyed Nightmare Tier-1](lvl32)

  At this point it's just hilarious that the first thing you get the premium options for is a spider. Still a spider, mostly...sort of... It has eight legs and way more eyes; it also has a penchant for crumpling up people’s psyche like a sheet of parchment with its mind-melting powers and turning their desiccated husks into gardens for its gem-growing magic.

  [Slosher Queen Tier-1](lvl33)

  If you want more spiders, this is how you do it. Scale up one of those guys living on your roof right now and add a whole bunch of jiggling egg sacs. This broodmother lords about her domain, draining interlopers dry to add to her army of minions. Fun fact: also completely immune to most kinds of poison, not that your average person is going to look at a spider the size of a horse and think, “Yeah, we should stab it with a poisoned dagger; that will do the trick!”

  Egbert hovered in indecision for a moment, not sure which of these awful choices would be the least awful and or make it so he wouldn’t die. His time to plot ran out, though a sliver of golden light began unraveling from his core and gathering before the mage. Egbert’s view began to darken, and he quickly made his selection and prayed.