Egbert zoomed all up and down the dungeon looking for the lootbug; he was about to give up and start making some very needed purchases when the Blink chest that had valiantly befuddled its challengers suddenly popped open. And a blisteringly fast golden form streaked out of it angrily, zooming up the steps in a winding pattern before flashing back into the agility challenge room.

  Dammit. Stand still! Egbert was basically just chasing the little bastard at this point, hoping it would sit still for half a second so he could identify it. Finally it settled into one of the only remaining archways in the dexterity room. Well settled might not be the right way to put it; the loot bug sat still-ish for more than three seconds while hate humming to itself.

  It looked similar to before, still golden and buzzing, but a tiny bit larger now, the size of two thumbs. The golden shell had swirls of black marbling it now, as well as a tiny pair of golden horns that rose out noticeably. And Egbert could swear he heard a faint screaming noise when he looked at it for too long.

  by all the divines finally. Egbert identified the little bastard before it could lead him on another chase. It was the first time he had used it on one of his own creatures, and the description was much more like the store page entry than when he identified an adventurer.

  [Loot Bug Reaper Tier-1] (Lvl 26)

  After arguing with the system for a while, it finally settled on this previously extinct (for a good reason) subspecies of loot bug. This especially vindictive creature has the ability to hide within any loot object in a dungeon, as well as a number of illusionary abilities that it may use to hunt those who harvest its brethren. Be careful; it remembers faces.

  [Respawn 2 Days]

  Haha! Good pick, little guy; anything that vexes your foes is a win in my book, and I think between Grandpa Stealy and the world’s hungriest door, I already have enough oddly homicidal things that really aren’t supposed to be that dangerous.

  Egbert didn’t get any time to celebrate; Max came up to the front porch and knocked on the front toll door. My gods, the sun isn’t even up, and he came to collect his coin; I can respect it. “Come on in!” Egbert hissed out from the ominous pet rock.

  Max shook his head in annoyance. “I’m not paying you three fucking silver again to come in and collect my money.

  “It’s six silver now!” Egbert shot back. He still hadn’t changed the prices after all, and he could probably get buyers remorse back into his doorframe before Max got through both doors…

  Max’s face scrunched up in sheer disbelief for a long moment, then he shrugged and reared back to kick in the door with his good leg. Egbert shouted out to stop the property destruction, “I’m joking! I’m joking, give me a moment!” Dang it, I had to try.

  Egbert begrudgingly set the toll doors to be free, and Max walked into the remains of the dexterity room, looking at the destruction with raised eyebrows. “Greed, what the hell did you do to those guys? They looked like they were mugged, then robbed of their will to live, and then, just for good measure, something tried to eat them.” Buyer's remorse wiggled proudly and licked some of the blood off his frame.

  “But no one died!” Greed answered jovially before dropping a pile of coins into existence in front of Max, this time from his personal hoard. He was a lot of things, but a man of his word was one of them.

  [8 Silver]

  Max grumbled before picking up the small palm full of silvers. “That was a lot of work to make one fucking silver if I count paying your door tolls…” He looked over towards the Loot Bug; it was angrily staring him down from its perch in a crack on the wall.

  Egbert saw where he was looking. “Oh yeah, I wouldn’t. I think he remembers…you.” Egbert trailed off too late to stop the impending disaster.

  Max didn’t even wait for Greed to finish talking, going for the creature in another of his freakishly fast skill-enhanced strikes. It was a perfect lunge; his hand aimed exactly where it needed to be to snatch the bug. Except for the fact that the newly improved bug had cheated. Two things happened as Max lunged: one, his prosthetic snagged on an archway the little demon had made look like flat ground, popping off with a resounding thwop noise. Then his hand closed around the bug, except there was no bug, and he had shoved his fingers into a still red-hot crack in the wall.

  “AAGGHHH! What the fuck!” Max windmilled for a moment before falling over and cradling his seared fingers. The prosthetic twitched slightly and then slid into the loot pit room as the bug dragged its prize away from Max.

  Ebgbert was quiet for a long moment, seeming to be stunned as well. Really, he was trying to still his laughter. Before he used the talking rock, he was pretty sure if he busted out laughing right now, this would be the shortest business partnership ever. “Ehhhmm... I did try and warn you...It, uh, got an upgrade.”

  If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

  Max just looked at the rock incredulously. “The fuck?” Then he grumbled to himself for a few moments before actually taking a slow, calming breath. “Alright…. I’ll try and get another group with some gold together for you so we can really get this ball rolling. I want twenty-five percent again…and my fucking leg back…”

  Greed thought for just a moment before agreeing; overall this had worked marvelously for him. “Deal on the money, but, uh, the leg isn’t mine to give…” There was a hateful insectoid hiss in the distance and the sound of a chest closing resoundingly. “You are welcome to go get it...but I think if I turn any of the traps off, it won’t count as in the spirit of the rules….” Greed trailed off, hoping Max understood what he meant.

  Max hopped up onto one leg and shook his head. “I am way too tired for this shit; I’ll come get it another time. I have spares. Oh, and tomorrow I think one of our town’s finest adventurers in training will come pay you a visit!” He gave a bit of an evil smile at that news.

  Egbert didn’t like the smile Max gave him. “Is this something I have to worry about?”

  Max hopped towards the exit, carefully avoiding Buyer’s Remorse’s gnashing teeth. “I mean, not in the sense of his discovering your shitty ruse. He’s a good lad, just enthusiastic…” Egbert narrowed his metaphorical eyes suspiciously at Max as he left.

  Hmm, didn’t like how that thought cheered him up so much. It's time for me to shore up my defenses. I have gold to spend! Well...silver now, but still!.

  Egbert's first task was the room that had started it all; he looked at the remains of the loot bug racetrack. You know, this room is far too small and, honestly, a bit shabby. I need to make a proper lair for the dungeon boss. The first thing he did was clear away all the rubble, and then he went up to the stone wall that would be on the left side as you walked into the room. He pushed his presence against it while throwing coins at it until he had swooshed into the darkness of uncarved stone. Oh boy, I hope this isn’t ungodly expensive to mine clear.

  [6 Silver]

  It, in fact, was painfully expensive between the expansion and mining the room out into a long, smooth rectangle, a now blank slate other than the shrine his core started on and the haste obelisk sitting on top of it.

  Egbert started with the same tangled floor of archways and uneven pillars, making sure to slope the roof down at random fuck-you intervals. At the halfway point he added a single sheet of stone a hand's width above the floor, only about the thickness of a board. Perfect for someone running to catch their feet on.

  Moving past the unnecessary but funny tripping hazard, he decided to make the back half of the rectangle a totally different style of hazard. First he hollowed out the floor, making the back half of the room a pitfall trap just deep enough to be a real bastard to get out of, digging it about two men deep and making sure to smooth out the walls to a near glass-like texture.

  [5 Copper] [4 Silver]

  Then he started working on a real classic jumping puzzle, placing six evenly spaced platforms that rose from the pitfall trap like islands of hope and led to a small alcove on the back wall large enough for a full party to squeeze themselves onto. Alright, we have the first half as the tangled bullshit that the loot bugs love, a few platforms for adventurers to hop over, and a little goal platform at the end. Time to make it all absolutely no fun.

  He started with winding thin tubes absolutely covered in finger-thickness holes that ran from the loot bug playground along the walls above the pitfall trap and connected above the alcove. It gave the loot bugs a way to flee anywhere in the room. He added a few small tubes that ran through the stone into the pit from the playground just to make sure if any fell in there, they wouldn’t be sitting ducks.

  I can already see people accidentally throwing themselves into the pit trying to catch loot bugs. Oh, I have to add that. Egbert put one of the uneven hole-filled pillars on each of the platforms; it would give the adventurers something to hold on to, but it was more important to him that the little guys always had the home field advantage.

  He went to the alcove at the end; it was just a blank stone platform with an angled edge that jutted out from the wall. He formed the wall itself into a honeycombed morass of tiny channels and holes with a few places just big enough for someone to fit an arm into if they were fishing around for loot bugs. He made sure to put a few more loot bug-sized arches all over the alcove floor to make it extra treacherous.

  [4 Silver]

  Alright, now I need some treasure to stick here other than just the bugs to tempt them into jumping across the pit, and I need some ways to monetize this whole agility challenge beyond just a go-fast shrine.

  Egbert grumbled as he looked through his available loot items. He still needed to spend more than he currently had on loot before the damned store would even give him more appealing options. He went ahead and just dropped an uncomfortable amount of coinage on more loot bugs; he planned to have a swarm of them eventually anyway. Six more demented siblings for his MVP later, he was staring at nearly empty coffers.

  [4 Copper]

  The agility room was looking a lot more like a proper dungeon attraction, though; the little terrors were carving out their own territory amongst themselves, with their big brother claiming the alcove wall for himself. A dizzying array of high-speed duels played out as the pecking order was decided.

  It was surprisingly cathartic for Egbert watching the sibling rivalry play out like a drama, and he started noticing the subtle differences between the loot bugs. One especially round bastard he had started referring to as Bubba was jousting against three of his brothers for control of the dead center of the loot bug playground. Another that was weirdly fast even by loot bug standards, he started calling Twitch. It had claimed the haste shrine and its nearest cover as its own, seeming to enjoy perching on the lightning-covered obelisk.

  And then there was the one and only, the first, the conqueror of knights and only living reaper bug in creation, and his name was Contempt. Long may he reign. Alright, I may be getting a bit too into this familial battle over archways, but what the hell else do I have to do when I'm out of gold?

  Egbert pulled himself from the riveting but ill-fated attempts of Bubba to usurp the once and future king. Someone had just stepped onto his porch, and he needed to see who it was. He stopped halfway to his porch with a bit of guilt, looking at the bound form of Buyer’s Remorse licking at a bloodstain. Shit, I totally forgot to stick him back in his spot…and how the hells am I supposed to get that rope off without hands…?

  Egbert mentally shrugged and continued to the porch. The figure there was not what he was expecting. The monster towered so damned tall he was going to have to stoop slightly just coming in the door. Muscles rippled openly, as the only clothes he wore were an armored loincloth of some kind and a fur and leather sash across his chest. The full-blooded orc smiled widely, looking up at the engravings above Egbert’s entrance.

  “Some day Thrognar will defeat the dragon that is li..liter….litteracy..” He said in a cheerful deep tone, sounding out the last word with some difficulty. Then he nodded to himself and drew an axe from his back that was nearly as long as he was tall, raising it ahead of himself with one hand pointed at the door.

  What in the ever-loving tax brackets is an orc doing here?

  Thrognar shouted at the door in a surprisingly mirthful tone, “I, Thrognar, shall defeat the mage challenge! Not because I want to be wizard! But to show that I, Thrognar, can!” He then punched the door so hard with his free hand that the top exploded inward, nearly wrenching the door from its hinges.

  Goddammit, no, pay the coins!

  Thrognar stopped looking at the door surprisingly bashfully. “Oh, sorry...knocked too hard.” Egbert froze. Knocked too hard? Oh crap, this is why that bastard Max was so cheerful about this guy. I'm screwed, aren't I?