Contempt hovered over the battlefield imperiously. All around him his chorus swarmed, singing his praises. Below him, his blood-soaked faithful cleared the way of any who dared pass beneath their god. He continued on to the very center of the battlefield and simply hovered there, judgily, watching the battle unfold.

  Really, man… All that dramatic-ass entrance, and now you are just going to watch like a middle manager during the tavern rush after work? Aghh... Forget it; I have money to earn. Let’s see how things are faring in Twitch’s shanty town. I’m honestly a bit surprised the edgy assassins got mowed through so fast, but I guess I shouldn’t be.

  Bubba’s banner bugs were solidly stymied on two of the three main labyrinthine walled corridors leading into the shanty town. Lily and Boo were basically frolicking in a field of burning bug guts. And the yokels Egbert stared at them with distaste for a moment.

  Hank was astride his eldritch hog, waving his fucking hands like he was conducting an orchestra, but really he was puppeting the disgusting slimy tentacles of water that his wife had woven into existence. He would grab a Banner bug in the brackish magical limb and then just whip them careening into the distance with a laugh.

  Everyone here is actually demented.

  Egbert followed the banner bugs that were actually making progress right on into Twitch's apartment lobby. They fanned out in an expertly militant manner, weapons raised as they scanned the shoddy room for threats.

  It was simple down here; a single Zip dust dispenser glowed promisingly in the center of the room. One potted plant from gods knows where sat in the corner wilting horribly, and a smattering of empty bottles rolled around on the floor. Two hallways led to the left and the right of the lobby, with a horribly cramped spiral staircase heading straight up to the next room.

  The banner bugs fanned out, half starting to march from room to room downstairs, clearing out each of the rooms. The others shuffled single file up the winding staircase to the even grimmer second floor.

  There was a small square landing with another spiral staircase that headed up again. A series of four hallways extended in each cardinal direction, lined with doorways. A single candle flickered on the landing, sort of lighting the oddly lightless halls.

  Nonsensical graffiti was scrawled across the walls, and the small metal foil the zip dust was dispensed in littered the floors. A single of Twitch’s banner bugs charged from the dark, waving a curved dagger and foaming at the mouth.

  He managed to sink the dagger into the shell of the lead banner bug before one of Bubba's crushers splattered his shell between his hammer and a hallway wall. There was a poignant pause as a low, menacing hiss echoed through the building.

  Not the sound of a banner bug but of something smaller and far more dangerous. A flash of gold in the torchlight was all they saw before a banner bug's arm fell to the ground neatly chewed through, and then he started warbling in terror, trying to pull at his shell.

  His confused companions tried to help to no avail. He dropped to his knees before a buzzing blur of a creature burst from the back of his shell. Twitch clambered from the corpse, eyes beet red and moving so fast he was more mirage than monster. The others raised their hammers fearfully as Twitch descended upon them in the low light.

  UHHH… I really, really need to figure out a way to get him clean. That was utterly terrifying; there is no reason whatsoever that he should be that dangerous, even with a little chemical assistance.

  Egbert pulled himself from the admittedly riveting, if horrible, close-quarter slaughter happening in the darkened halls of the apartment. The tavern was where coins were being spent, and he wanted to really get a good look at what worked and what didn’t.

  Max was ambling back and forth from the bar to the balcony, where most of the folks were watching the scrying screen. Egbert flinched a bit at just how much of the audience looked exactly half an ale from falling right the hell off of their stools. For some unholy reason Jeb was still fishing in the whirlpool. A very large glass of something strong perched next to him.

  Wait, why aren’t you with the elders… For that matter, where is Tammy?

  Someone dropped a coin into a trap trigger, and the glorious sound pulled Egbert over to his beautiful new benefactor. It was a rotund man in the most gloriously offensively rainbow-feathered tunic Egbert had ever seen. Egbert wasn’t sure how he missed this guy earlier.

  He held his jiggly finger over a trap trigger, beady discerning eyes trained on the scrying screen. His other hand pinched a monocle, and it flared slightly as some kind of enchantment took effect. “AAANNNDD NOWWWW!” He bellowed, pressing a button decisively.

  [Copper1] [silver 3] [Gold 51] [Platinum 1]

  Everyone held their breath; even Max stopped to stare at the screen. Egbert double-took his gold total for a second; there was only one thing this wonderful, beautiful man could have triggered that cost a fucking platinum coin. Egbert hadn’t actually thought anyone would actually use the damn thing; he put it in for future whales. Bored merchant princes, that kind of thing. He hadn’t actually even bought anything to attach to it yet.

  This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  “Hold please!” Egbert hissed from the rock and barreled over the battlefield. The man had pressed the big red “unleash the superweapon button.” The beautiful rich man had bet on Twitch's team, so whatever he decided to do, he had to do it fast and point it at Bubba's side.

  Shit…shit! What can I do not to alienate what is apparently the richest patron to ever walk into these halls? It needs to be dramatic...impactful...ohh hells… Egbert looked at Team Evil real hard for a moment and then back towards the almost bored-looking adventurers on Bubba's side.

  Ho ho, this is a bad, bad idea. Twitch, come here!

  Egbert found the little psycho nestled in a hallway amid the burst shells of a dozen enemies, snorting a line of totally mana potion ingredients off a slain foe's weapon while a couple of practically rabid banner bugs huffed the bits of dust he left behind on the blade. Twitch looked towards Bubba's castle and screeched violently before throwing himself from the second-story window towards his foe.

  Definitely a really, really bad idea. Holy shit, slow down!

  Egbert opened Twitch upgrades; it was unreasonably hard to focus on while zooming across the battlefield at the speed of fuck you.

  [Upgrade] (6 copper)

  [Evolve] (6 Silver)

  Egbert threw six gold coins at Evolve, and the whole system shuddered for a second as it tried to cope with the fact that Egbert was an impatient problem and was trying to skip an entire evolutionary step.

  [Copper1] [Silver 3] [Gold 45] [Platinum 1]

  Surprisingly, it obliged and jumped straight to second-stage evolutions. Egbert knew this was a bad idea, but he bilked his newest and biggest customer in front of everyone. On his big even day he would never live down that fact.

  *[Breaking Bug]

  Twitch was born for speed, molded by it, and immersed in every substance known to man or fairy that helps him achieve this goal. This Lootbug is immune to all known poisons and doesn't know the meaning of the word "overdose." It will steal, cajole, and threaten its way into a truly frightening array of chemicals; it will imbibe, mix, and improve until it IS SPEED.

  What the hell...moving along…

  [Lightning Lord Loot Bug]

  A being that is barely even an entity of flesh and shell anymore. Its extreme affinity for movement and the unrestrained power of storms has elevated it to a thing closer to an elemental than any normal creature. This Lootbug travels around its hunting ground in blinding flashes of lightning, leaving the charred bodies of its foes in its wake.

  [Time Shifting Loot Bug]

  These little bastards are famous in ancient stories for having the most valuable of pure golden shells encrusted with gleaming gems imaginable. They are equally famous for driving adventurers utterly mad trying to actually catch them. They can manipulate how time affects them to a limited extent. Speeding themselves up is easily doable. Rewinding to thirty seconds ago when you didn’t have them safely caught in a jar is also doable. They are thought to be actually impossible to capture alive.

  *[SYSTEM ERROR CLASS DENIED]

  *[WHAT WHY ITS PERFECTLY BALANCED?]

  *[Drug Kingpin Of The Frothing Hoards Does Not Fit The Dungeon’s Intended Theme]

  *[HAVE YOU LOOKED AROUND LATELY?]

  *[Yes, Unfortunately, Still Denied]

  *[FINE ONE MOMENT ILL MAKE A COUPLE TWEAKS.]

  Egbert stared in fascination at whatever pithy battle was happening between Nomisu and the very system that governed reality. I feel like I just got the most unfettered look behind the scenes that any mortal had had in an eon, and it's literally a god arguing to add in something they think is funny and the system telling them no like a disappointed parent.

  *[Here! Is that better?]

  *[Acceptable, Class Added]

  *[Zip-Dust Encrusted Lootbug]

  You better like this one. I had to spend a chunk of my own essence to get it approved. Yes, maybe I do think Twitches' descent is utterly hilarious, but it can be thematically appropriate too! This lootbug naturally sheds a fine powder that is a primary ingredient in upper-tier mana potions. Due to the fact that it is always trailing Zip-Dust around itself, it's stronger, far faster, and concerningly adept at scaling things at a blistering pace. May attract followers who are also “fans” of Zip Dust.

  Egerrt reread the option a couple times. He didn’t have long; Twitch was already Neary at Bubba’s moat, having opted to just use fuck-you speed to run across the battlefield instead of fighting anyone. He was darting straight at the last line of defenders on the battlefield: the knights.

  Joe crawled from the cave just in time for Twitch to launch off his head like a springboard straight at Randy. Joe’s face bounced off the rocks, and he scrabbled for purchase as he started sliding down again, his heavy armor like a damned fishing weight at this point. A faint “GODDAMN this place!!” echoed from the slippery slope as gravity won and Joe clanged back downwards.

  Randy twirled his flaming blade dramatically and took up a very heroic pose, legs wide, sword high, facing down the enemy commander. Twitch apparently wasn’t feeling the dramatic duel. He faked leaping up, and when Randy swung into empty air, he just flung himself straight at the knight's nether regions, hitting with enough force to dent his codpiece concerningly.

  Carter and Ben saw Randy drop into a coughing heap as the twit just skittered over him towards the bridge. They shared a knowing glance and just stepped the hell out of his way. Carter pulling out a healing potion to go try and save Randy’s lineage.

  Alright, now or never—zip-dust encrusted it is! Egbert metaphysically slapped the button.

  Twitch disappeared under a blinding golden shine as his streaking form began undergoing evolution. The gold gave way to a shimmering, glittering blue-white; he was like a glorious comet trailing across the battlefield. All behind him, a curtain of dust slowly settled across the ground.

  Twitch looked much the same, eyes a bit too red; he had plumped up a bit and was now near the size of a bully bug but not quite as large as the Bannerbugs. His golden shell had beautiful crystalline deposits that were always in flux, drifting away with his every movement and regrowing at a visible pace.

  He leapt from one end of the bridge to the other, landing in a swirling maelstrom of energy lifting powder, and paused for just a moment. His gaze rose towards his goal, his prize, the jar hanging from the top of the looming castle. His eyes locked with Bubba’s. Bubba looked down from the hole in his throne room wall, a “come get some” expression somehow plastered across his face.

  Back in the tavern the rich, rather colorful man was practically beside himself with mirthful laughter. “Oh Gods! Worth every penny, everyone. This button upgrades a bug!”

  Crisis averted?