Egbert looked at the newest challengers to his dungeon, practically bouncing in excitement. The loot pit was functioning, and the second he got a coin or two more, some of that loose brickwork hiding the room was going to “tumble” free, revealing the next portion of his dungeon. One that he was fairly certain would give these folks a conniption.

  It was his regulars. Jeb and Tammy, of course, but today it looked like some more members of the family wreath joined them. A pair of freakishly identical teens stared in wonder at the front door of the dungeon. They were in ratty overalls stuffed full of fishing lures and hooks, and each of them had a small coin purse clutched tightly in their hands.

  Aww, bless your little hearts; you came ready to pay. Unlike someone! Egbert looked at Jeb’s battered form; his hands were still wrapped in bandages. Jeez, man, take a healing potion… Wait, actually, they are pretty expensive. On second thought, just focus on that natural healing and your new bug-wrangling hobby; you need the coins for that.

  The twins excitedly popped a coin into each of the doors and rushed into the third hallway chamber, intensely staring at the mimic door in awe. It stared back aggressively, practically daring them to pick a fight with one giant undisguised eyeball. Jesus, I need to move that thing deeper into the dungeon, where its failures as a creature will be less noticeable. Ya hear me, Buyer's Remorse! The second I have a basement, you are going to go live in it so the world doesn’t see my shame.

  There was a tense, dramatic moment where one of the twins slowly leaned forward with his coin towards the mimic door, and the thing actually licked its chops. Then the toll was paid, and the door sagged open in sheer depression, squeaking pitifully the whole way like a rusty hinge. One of the twins did a happy dance. “I did it, uncle! I got past the guardian!” His voice trailed off as his eyes met with the boss of the dungeon, Loot Bug number one newly respawned and pissed.

  Egbert laughed heartily at the kids and Jeb's surprisingly mirthful attempts to catch the bug. Apparently it remembered Jeb because it stayed the hell away from him until it didn’t. It scurried up his pants leg, humming maliciously as it zoomed into somewhere extremely uncomfortable based on his high-pitched screams and how fast he dropped his trousers in panic.

  As soon as the Loot Bug leapt off of him, Jeb just kept chasing it, obviously not wanting to waste his haste. Egbert didn’t think he would ever be able to scrub the image of a hasted Jeb, pants around his ankles, shuffling after a Loot Bug as his family hid their faces in shame. Tammy was the first one to say anything. “Jeb, if the wizards saw that, I don’t think they are going to let you into the tower.”

  Egbert chose that moment to spend a few coins and drop a couple of bricks from the back wall. His guests crowded around the wall, forgetting about the still uncaught Loot Bug. Jeb started pulling brickwork free in an excited clamor. Tammy raised an eyebrow. “Slow down there, Jeb. This is starting to seem awful fishy to me, and not good fishy, like Grandpa’s cooking fishy.”

  Darn you, woman, and your still-functioning brain cells! Just keep letting the man live out his delusions of being a wizard!

  Despite Tammy’s growing concern, they did venture into the cavern, Jeb leading the way, trailed by the twins, and Tammy in the back cautiously looking around with her mace held to her side at the ready. Jeb walked straight up to the edge of the loot pit and leaned over to look in. “What in all the seven tarnations is tha...AACCK!” There was a resounding KA-CHUNK noise as the man catcher launched itself at Jeb.

  It was a good clean shot; all the grabbers secured around his torso before pulling him down in a screaming tangle, he thudded off every single one of the oiled stone steps on the way down. Oh ho wow, that’s wow, that’s actually way more dangerous than I thought it would be. He has to have some points in physical resistance, or I think he would have died from that.

  Egbert flinched a bit in pity as Jeb just lay next to the man catcher at the bottom of the pit, shell-shocked while it reloaded itself. He was making this high-pitched wheezing noise and waving his hands above himself somewhat aimlessly. Just stay down for a bit, buddy; I don’t think it will shoot at you again when you are right next to it.

  Tammy and the twins above had wisely dropped down to the very edge of the loot pit rim and scurried back every time the claw swung in their direction. One of the twins shouted down to Jeb, “Unc! There's a chest right there; can you toss it up?

  Jeb slowly rolled over and stared at the chest just a stride in front of him. “Gimme…a bit…,” he grumbled up and then just rolled back onto his back with a groan and closed his eyes.

  Egbert jolted; someone else had just stepped onto his porch. As much as he wanted to see the yokels slip and slide down into the loot pit, this was more pressing. He zoomed back to the porch and saw his guest. Oh shit, he actually looks like he knows what he's doing; I may be busted…

  The man on Egbert’s porch looked weathered in a very battle-hardened way. Short cropped hair with just a touch of gray around the edges and sharp dark blue eyes that practically devoured the details of his front door. His face and hands had the lightest traces of claw scars, and the fellow was missing a damn leg, leaning onto his still-whole leg to spare the stump he rubbed absentmindedly.

  It didn’t help Egbert’s nerves that he came to the door fully kitted for combat either. The man had a weathered long sword strapped to his hip and a very well-maintained set of leather armor with rich red accents on it. Egbert went ahead and pulled the bandage off and checked the man's level and class. [Maximilian Roth Tier-1](lvl51) [Calculating Swordsman]. Sigh, well, it's really neat that being a dungeon just lets me examine people's levels and class at a whim, but the downside is I get to see just how screwed I am.

  This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

  Max ran a hand along the engraving above the door, an amused-looking expression on his face. “Really, a hidden trial on the opposite end of the valley from the actual academy? A door tax though certainly tracks with those greedy fucks.” Max slotted a copper into the door.

  Max’s face showed surprise; he put the rest of the coins he had in hand back in his coin purse. “That...was way too cheap for the mages; they wouldn’t piss on your smoldering remains for a copper.”

  AAGGHH, lost profits!

  Max stepped through to the next door and became a copper poorer. He stopped sharply as he and the mimic door stared at each other. Max slowly drew out his sword, staying a good stride from the next door.

  Well, buyer's remorse It was nice knowing you and all, but I think we might finally be rid of you!

  Max stared at the door for a while longer before cautiously stepping forward, another coin in his hand. “Door mimic of the lowest order, still possible for some mages’ nonsense but incredibly unlikely.” He dropped the coin into the slot, and the mimic grumbled a bit but opened up.

  Max stopped dead, staring around the test of agility room and the deranged bug humming mockingly at him. Mana swirled at Max’s foot for a moment, and he lunged forward almost too fast for Egbert to track and caught the bug with an expert strike that made the air snap. Gah, crap, no! Dang it, I'm not ready for someone who is actually competent! Max smiled a bit before putting the bug into a small vial on his side. He had managed to catch it alive, and it was pissed, clinking off the glass in rage.

  Max looked up sharply into the next room as Jeb’s screaming echoed from the loot pit. “Naw, for the love of the old gods, sis, throw me a damned silver. I need ta get out of the pit!”

  A closer voice shouted back from Tammy, who was hiding behind the boulder, the claw of the man grabber languidly sliding back down into the pit after a missed shot. “Ye got in thar; ye can get out! Silver ain’t for funsies money!”

  Max looked at the scene ahead of him, eyes going from the altar to the weird traps ahead of him. He mumbled to himself only loud enough for Egbert to hear, “Holy shit, it really is a damn dungeon, a new one.”

  Egbert started fully panicking; he wasn’t ready for everyone to know about him yet. His core was still exposed, and he had practically no defenses. Oh crap, there's no way I can kill him. I don’t have any tough enough monsters, and besides, he's the only person who has come in so far with gold in his coin purse! Think, Egbert, what language does everyone understand…

  Max jumped back in surprise as a rain of coins fell from the sky above him. “What the shit?” He swirled around defensively, pivoting on his good leg, ready for an attack, sword held in a low guard, when suddenly another shower of coins just poofed out of thin air next to him, raining down onto the ground with a discordant clatter. “Uhh…it’s a sentient dungeon that’s trying to bribe me?” Max said almost comically hopefully.

  Max held his breath for a moment, and another shower of coins appeared in the air. This time he was ready, catching a good scoop of them before they even hit the ground. “Ha ha! Yes! Retirement just got so much less boring. Uhh, well, Mr. Dungeon…”

  Sigh, yes, adventurer, that has me by the metaphorical giblets. What is your demand? Egbert thought to himself sourly he had just wasted most of the day's earnings on buying coin piles for the sake of bribery.

  “You seem to like money quite a bit, based on well…” Max gestured broadly at all the coin-operated apparatus and then towards Jeb, who was screaming he needed a silver from the bottom of the pit.

  Yes, yes, astute observation, sir. What is your actual demand? I can barely afford to get the most rudimentary of rooms going; please keep your ransom at a palatably doable number. Egbert grumbled to himself; he was so used to the worst of humanity that he was just bracing himself for a financially ruinous number.

  “I also happen to quite like money….” Max rolled the coins between his fingers for a moment. “Can you imagine the kind of shenanigans a tavern owner and a dungeon in cahoots could get up to if they were trying to squeeze every coin they could from the hopeful masses that will flood into here once they learn there is a fucking wealth-themed dungeon? You won’t just get the battle addict who wants to slay monsters and level up. This place is going to be filled with merchants and nobles looking to rebuild fortunes.” Max pocketed the coins deftly and turned to leave surprisingly. “I’ll come back when the town’s fishermen aren’t here getting concussions. If you want a partner, leave me a sign.”

  Egbert was stunned pleasantly so. Ahh, another man of culture, I see. Yes, sir, I in fact would love some outside help at this juncture. Egbert already started imagining the things he could accomplish with outside help and with insider knowledge. The first and most obvious one he thought of was simple. Buy all the land before it goes up astronomically in value. He wasn’t sure how that would help him exactly since he was sure those coins wouldn’t count based on his restrictions, but he would figure something out.

  Max turned to leave, dollar signs practically shining in his eyes as he tossed a dungeon-born silver up and down in his palm. He made it right off the porch before the coins disappeared from his hand. “What the fuck?” He searched his pack; he still had the Loot Bug, but the shower of silver and copper was just gone. ”Did I just get illusionarily bribed?”

  Oh fuck…. Egbert stared at a pile of coins that had just reappeared next to him along with a pissy system message.

  [Coinage Returned To Dungeon]

  Loot items taken from the dungeon in a manner that goes against the adversarial nature a dungeon is supposed to foster will be returned.

  It was a bribe, goddammit! Are you saying I can't bribe people?

  The system actually answered Egbert’s inquiry, to his horror.

  [Personal Hoard May Be Used Freely]

  Oh, of course it can, since I have to wring it out of these people copper by copper! Egbert spent a few fuming moments hoping Max didn’t take the removal of the bribe too personally.

  Alright, back to work. Egbert checked his hoard quickly.

  [Copper 6]

  Dangit!

  Egbert shuffled the piles of coins into the loot pit room, hiding them in a dark corner for now until the chaotic scene playing out before him was over. Tammy was standing on the edge of the loot pit, a dark purple shadowy spell dripping from her hand like a deep-sea tentacle. Egbert watched in astonishment as the man catcher shot at her, and she snapped the tentacle out like a whip, batting the claws of the man catcher aside into the pit before yelling to Jeb, “Hurry up!” Climb out, you dingus; it takes it a couple seconds to reload!”

  Jeb crawled up the uneven natural stone steps painfully slowly, his feet skidding constantly for purchase as he practically inchwormed himself upwards. “Hurry the hells up!” Tammy shouted, deflecting the claw once again with a snap of the tentacle. The claw clanged against the stones right next to Jeb as he pulled himself up another stride, gasping for breath.

  “Tammy, at least turn the damned oil off!” Jeb pleaded as his feet kicked uselessly into the air behind him and his claw-like grip on the next step began to slip.

  One of the twins took mercy on him, slotting five copper into the dispenser right above Jeb. The magical oil stream instantly stilled and began rapidly whisping off the stairs. Jeb practically leapt upwards compared to his previous pace. Finally throwing himself over the edge of the pit back to safety.

  HahAhAA! Oh hells, that little combo works great even with the budget version I have set up; they didn’t even get to try for the chest. Egbert was more than a little pleased with himself over what he had whipped up for a couple silver.

  The family bickered for a while about getting the chest or not and settled on coming back with more people and ropes. Oh boy, I cannot wait to see a half dozen fish folk trying to haul an uncooperative chest out of there; hopefully I can add another twist to it before they can manage to get it out. At least I have a decent amount of coins to stuff in it now. Egbert looked at his piles of forcibly returned bribe money.

  But for now I need to figure out a way to talk with Max. I think we need to have a monetization strategy meeting. Egbert opened the shop up and began looking for things he could either talk through or puppet for the needed meeting. The options that fit his exact criteria were expensive, ridiculously so. Oh dear sweet system, show mercy! What makes you think I'm going to have a fucking platinum anytime soon? Sigh...I guess we will have to get creative with it..

  [Copper 1] [Silver 1]

  The Closest category Egbert found that had anything that would...probably work was interesting, to say the least.