46 – Facing Feelings

  By the time they dropped Beef off with Doc Peters and took the cab back to Bert’s shop, the eastern skyline was already brightening with sunrise. Tony climbed out of the cab, dragging the heavy duffel bag with him, and then he held the door for Addie as she scooted out. The ride had been quiet; Beef had been out of it, and Addie had been focused on keeping him conscious. When Peters had wheeled the big guy into his clinic, Addie promised to visit him, and then, in the cab, she’d sat there staring into space. Tony had struggled to find any words worthy of disrupting her reverie.

  “Thanks, Tony,” she said as he closed the door and the cab rolled away.

  “No problem…” He wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure if she was thanking him for holding the door open or what. He shrugged, hefting the heavy bag. “Wanna go through this stuff with me tomorrow?”

  She smiled, but it was a quiet, soft kind of smile that didn’t match the emotions in her eyes. “You mean today?”

  “Heh.” Tony sighed and ran his free hand through his hair, grimacing at the crusty tangles. “Guess so.”

  Addie looked up at the windows on the second floor of the building. “There’s a light on upstairs. You think my dad knows I’m not home?”

  “I dunno. Was your bedroom door closed?”

  “Probably.” She pulled a slender data deck out of her pocket. “Open that bag. I’ve got a few things to add.”

  “Where’d you get that?” He pulled the zipper a few inches, making an opening so she could slip it into the duffel.

  “Off the lady. They were recording me in the room where they were holding me. I hope the vid’s on here.” She pulled a sleek, high-end needler out of her waistband. Tony had seen her holding it earlier but hadn’t given it much attention. “Better take this, too.”

  “That’s a nice little gun, Ads. You should think about keeping it.”

  She nodded, slipping it into the bag. “Maybe. You’ll need to teach me how to shoot.” The light above Bert’s door, amber and bright, reflected in Addie’s eyes, betraying the moisture building up there.

  “Hey.” Tony set the duffel down and reached toward her with his left hand, the one with flesh on it. She didn’t pull away, and he took her arm, sliding his fingers from above her elbow down to her wrist and then into her hand, holding it gently. “You gonna be okay?”

  “They almost took me, Tony. They almost took everything from me. They were going to sell me to some corp, God knows where. Zane said they’d put some kind of management software in my head!” Her voice was strained, and tears sprang from her eyes, sliding down her cheeks. As he searched for the right words to say, she continued, “Beef almost died! You’re hurt—” A sob choked off her words as she grasped onto his hand, pulling it to her and cradling it close. “Are you—”

  “I’m fine.” He wasn’t, but he would be. The bullet that hit his back had fragmented on his ribs. Most of the pieces were in the bone and muscle tissue, but a sliver had punched right into his liver, and another was in his spleen. The injection of trauma nanites had stopped the bleeding, but they’d done it crudely, stitching off viable tissue and scarring it with cauterizing agents. It would take his more sophisticated nanites a while to undo the damage to his organs.

  Addie nodded and sniffed, wiping her nose on her shoulder. “I don’t ever want to be in that position again. I want to learn everything I can to…defend myself, I guess. I want to help other people. It’s not right that something like that could happen!”

  Tony nodded, enjoying how she was caressing his hand with her fingers. “No, it’s not right. I’ve seen that story before, though. I’ve worked with people who were acquired that way. Hell, I was trapped by a contract that seemed to get thicker and thicker every year despite the dues I paid. Anyway, I’m all for helping people. We aren’t in a position to rescue people from corps like Cross or probably even Boxer, though.”

  Addie nodded, sniffing. She squeezed his hand with both of hers. “Not yet. That’s what you meant, right?”

  Tony smiled. He wanted to hold her, but he was filthy, and he didn’t want to give her the wrong idea. No matter how right it might seem—how good her warm little fingers caressing his rough, murderous hand made him feel—he wasn’t right for her. He was bad news. “Yeah, that’s right, Ads. That’s what I meant.”

  He sighed and pulled his hand free, reaching down to hoist the duffel. “Come by my place when you wake up. I think we’re in the clear for now. If Boxer knew what Zane was up to, we would have had assault drones on us before we were a block away from that old hospital. The scavs in that place are gonna pick those guys clean; there won’t be much left by the time anyone tracks down his body.”

  Addie gripped her fingers at the empty air like she wanted to reach out and grab him again, but she didn’t; instead, she clenched them into fists by her sides. She looked like she wanted to say more; her mouth opened, and she inhaled, but maybe she couldn’t find the words, or maybe she thought better of whatever impulse had taken her. Tony looked into her eyes for a few long, pregnant seconds, and finally, she forced a smile and nodded. “I’ll go pretend I couldn’t sleep. I’ll tell my dad I was editing vids in the shop.”

  “Night, Ads.”

  She smiled again weakly. “Night, Tony.” Then, she turned, disarmed the security, and slipped through the door. When the door beeped and clicked, Tony walked across the street and down to the flower shop. Half of him wanted to kill the other half. He was pretty sure Addie was into him, and it wasn’t just her relief at being safe driving those feelings. Why was he so goddamn hard on himself? So what if he wasn’t some knight in shining armor? So what if he’d done some bad shit in his life? He’d told her so, hadn’t he? If she still wanted him…

  “Nah,” he muttered, disarming the lock and slipping inside. “Don’t start that shit, buddy. She’s not going to replace…” Would it be fair to try to fill that hole in his heart with Addie? Why would he let her fall in love with him—no, why would he let himself fall in love with her when he knew he had an expiration date? There was no way in hell that he was going to let Eric, Jen, and all the backstabbing scum who took orders from them get away with what they’d done. He’d have his vengeance, and he wasn’t na?ve enough to think someone could walk away from something like that.

  “Is everything all right, Tony?” Nora asked as he climbed the stairs.

  “Not really.” He was damn sure Jen had wanted him dead, but Eric hadn’t had the stomach. No, instead, he’d stripped him down and left him in the Blast. Now Eric could tell himself a pretty story: he’d given Tony a chance. If the Blast killed him, that was his fate. “Your weakness is going to be the end of you, brother.”

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t—”

  “Not you, Nora.” Tony threw the duffel near the wall and then walked into his bathroom. He needed a shower like never before. He should feel good, considering the success of their operation, but he felt rotten. He felt angry and frustrated. Despite his reasoning, he was still at war with himself, and he hated it. So, like he often did, he pushed the feelings down—his anger, his need for vengeance, and his feelings for Addie. As the hot, chlorine-scented water washed the blood out of his hair and off his body, he regulated his breathing and found that comfortable, numb, neutral place in his mind. Things were fine.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

  ###

  Addie turned on one of the lights and started the coffee machine for her dad. Then, she sat on one of the stools, her elbows on the counter, her chin in her hands. The counter was hard and cold, reminding her that she’d lost Tony’s jacket. When had they taken it off her? Probably when they grabbed her. She figured it was tossed somewhere in the kidnappers’ abandoned van. Of all the things to get weepy about again, she hadn’t thought it would be an old, second-hand coat.

  “What’s the matter with me, JJ?”

  “Are you unwell, Addie?”

  “Never mind,” she murmured. She wanted to be horrified by the violence she’d seen. She wanted to be sick about how she’d sealed Zane’s fate, but all she could think about was how she’d wanted Tony to hold her and how he’d pulled away instead. Was it her? Was she reading him wrong? She could swear he’d been almost affectionate toward her. He seemed to like touching her—holding her hand, squeezing her shoulder. Hadn’t he hugged her back at his place? What was the deal?

  A flashing light on her AUI stole her attention, and she focused on the notification icon. She had 647 messages on the anonymous account she’d created to disseminate the Royal Breeze information. “Sheesh! I didn’t expect that kind of response so quickly.”

  “Are you talking about the data packet you set to distribute at midnight?”

  “Yeah. JJ, can you read through the messages on that account and summarize?”

  “One moment, Addie.”

  “Okay.” Addie sighed and yawned.

  “In general terms, the account has received 43 threats, 117 accusations of trying to perpetrate a hoax, 251 automated messages indicating that the mailing daemon of the recipient classified the packet as spam, 97 requests for further information, 61 offers to pay for an exclusive interview, and 78 follow-ups from those last two categories, requesting your immediate response.”

  “Seriously? So many threats already?”

  “Yes, most include an ultimatum to retract your findings.”

  Addie had, of course, included news corps and many well-known “independent” journos—most were sponsored by corps—in her recipient list, but she hadn’t expected so many requests for an interview. Those requests, coupled with the threats, made her glad she’d decided to release the packet anonymously. Of course, Dr. Yang at the Aurora Collective would be able to put two and two together, but Addie hoped he’d respect the anonymous nature of the delivery.

  “Do you wish to read or respond to any of the messages?”

  “Here, JJ, take this message and send it to the address of every non-automated response.” She cleared her throat and then began to dictate, “Subject: Regarding the Royal Breeze data release. Message: Thank you for your interest in the release of this information. Every data point in the packet can be independently verified, and I encourage you to do so. As mentioned in the initial release, this information was sent to a wide range of recipients, and you can be sure others will be verifying my claims. At this time, I will not be engaging in further correspondence. Given the nature of the information and the response it has generated, including threats against my person, I intend to remain in the background for the time being. The truth will stand on its own. Sincerely, a concerned citizen.”

  “I should send it from the same anonymous account?”

  “Oh my gosh! Yes!” Addie chuckled, shaking her head at the thought. With another heavy sigh, she leaned her chin back into her hands and spaced out for a minute, wondering what it would be like to live in a world where she could have put her name on that research and not feared for her life. “All the more reason to learn how to—” The sound of the storeroom door opening interrupted her self-talk, and she turned to see her dad walk into the shop.

  “Good morning, Sunshine!” he said, chipper as usual. “Awfully early for you!”

  “Hey, Daddy,” she sighed, not trying to sound miserable but managing it nonetheless.

  “Oh, boy! ‘Daddy?’ You must’ve had a bad night!” He walked over to the coffee machine, rubbing his hands together. “Started the machine? Thanks, hon!” When she didn’t reply, he looked at her more closely and asked, “What is it, sweetie?”

  She flopped onto the counter, resting her cheek on its cool surface. “Nothing, I guess.”

  Her dad clicked his tongue and poured himself a cup of jet-black coffee. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d say that sounds like there’s something wrong in your love life. Of course, you’d need to have a love life for that to be—”

  “Dad!” Addie cried, swiping a hand at him. He backed up, narrowly avoiding spilling his coffee. “Yikes! No jokes, huh? Okay, I’m sorry. So, what’s got you down? Did you sleep at all? Is there something wrong with your news site?”

  Addie loved her dad, and she didn’t generally keep secrets from him. Maybe it was that trust, or maybe it was her exhaustion, but something loosened her tongue, and she asked, “Is there something wrong with me? Am I not attractive? Do men not see me as a woman?”

  “Oh, Addie, Addie, Addie.” He clicked his tongue again and moved closer, putting one of his big, warm arms over her shoulders, leaning an elbow on the table so his face was closer to hers. “You’re so pretty, hon, but you know I’d say that—I’m your dad! What’s the matter? Who’s the dummy that doesn’t recognize my daughter’s beauty?”

  “Nobody,” Addie murmured, squeezing her eyes shut and luxuriating in the warmth of her dad’s half-hug.

  “Hmm, so you’re going to make me play detective, huh? Well, the only man you’ve been hanging around with is Tony, but—Oh, honey! Really?”

  Addie’s eyes shot open, and she narrowed her eyebrows. “What if it was him? What’s wrong with Tony?”

  “Well, he’s not a normal guy, is he?” He jostled her a little with his arm, squeezing her shoulder gently. “He’s walked a lot of miles in his young life—seen a lot. It might take him a while to start seeing life like, well, a normal person again. You remember how he was when he got here, don’t you?”

  Addie sniffed, nodding. “Sure, I do. But it’s been a while, and he’s better now. He wants to work with me; he wants to stay in the Blast.”

  “He told you that? What kind of work?”

  “He wants us to get operator’s licenses. We’re going to help people around here. He says there are jobs on the boards to do all kinds—”

  “Addie, that’s pretty different from what you’ve always wanted. Don’t you think you ought to—”

  “Dad! Let me finish, would you?” When he nodded, Addie continued. “First of all, it’s not so different. I’ve always wanted to expose trouble with my reporting. I’ve always wanted to show the world what was going on down here. I can still do that, but we can actually help while we’re at it.” Her mind jumped to what had just happened to her. “If someone got kidnapped by a banger gang or a-a headhunter, for instance, we could rescue them, and I could report on it, too.”

  “It's dangerous, though, hon. There’s a reason not every kid with dreams of glory and mountains of bits becomes a runner. Well, maybe they do, but they don’t last.”

  “Dad, you’re changing the subject, and anyway, you don’t have to worry; Tony’s been to the top before, and he’s more protective of me than you are. He won’t let me do anything stupid.” She didn’t want to mention that sometimes it wasn’t in Tony’s hands, like when she’d been kidnapped just ten hours ago.

  He sighed, jostled her a little, then removed his arm and pulled a stool over. He sipped his coffee, and just when Addie thought he’d given up, he cleared his throat and set his cup down. “As for your heart, honey, just do me a favor and protect it. Tony might have told you he wants to stay in the Blast. He might really want to work with you, but he was betrayed in an awful way, and a man like Tony is going to have a hard time letting that go—”

  “Dad—”

  “Addie, just hear me out. If you’re going to be working with him, you’ve got to be extra careful. Sometimes romance and business don’t mix!” He held up a hand, signaling surrender as she opened her mouth to protest again. “I know, I know; sometimes they do. Just be careful, sweetie. You know I love you, and I’ll always be here to support you, right?” He bumped her with his elbow, and Addie smiled, nodding.

  “I know, Daddy. It doesn’t matter anyway; I don’t think he sees me that way.”

  “Well, if he doesn’t, then he’s dumber than I thought. Just take things slow and give him a chance to adjust to his new life. Something tells me that man has some ghosts following him around that are going to take a little time to move on.” As he spoke, Addie stifled a yawn and nodded, starting to get up, but he grabbed her wrist so she couldn’t wander off. “He might want to stick around, but sometimes people feel driven to do something, even if it’s not in their best interest. Sometimes—”

  “Dad, I get it. I know, okay? Thank you for talking to me; despite the lecture, I feel a little better. Can I go get a little sleep?”

  He smiled and pulled her into a hug, his scratchy beard tickling her cheek and ear. Addie squeezed him back with everything she had and then went upstairs. In the bathroom, waiting for the shower to warm up, she looked into the mirror and was shocked to see just her usual old self staring back at her. It felt like so much had happened, like she’d been through some sort of crucible, but she still looked like herself. “Even after what I did,” she muttered, clutching her fingers, remembering the feel of Zane’s PAI when she’d pulled it out.

  Steam began to coat the glass, making her image blurry, and Addie was thankful for it. She banished the memory and tried to focus on something more positive. She was alive. She was free. She had people who cared about her, including Randal, who’d nearly died. She wouldn’t shed tears for Zane, who’d instigated all that trouble. “I won’t,” she insisted as she stepped into the shower, letting the hot water pound against her skull. As she imagined the shower cleansing her of the fear, the humiliation, the guilt, and the blood, she made a liar of herself and cried.