Chapter 34: Five minutes

  “Samurais have their limits. They grieve, feel shame or guilt. At some point, after one trauma too many, they need to stop.

  Sadly, they often don’t get that luxury...”

  –Sheryl Richard, Family psychologist, 2054.

  ***

  We were in the third section, having cleared another quadrant, when I found him…

  “I’m sorry boss, he’s been dead too long and there’s not enough…” I took in the body, one of my enforcers. Felix. I loved Felix. He’d been there during the purge. He’d saved my life a few times.

  I failed to save his… And his family’s… “It’s… it’s alright, pretty sure he’d have just killed himself without his kids…”

  They’d all died…

  The entire row of apartments was full of dead civilians…

  The scene was still fresh. Was I ten minutes too late? Fifteen? Didn’t matter really, I’d been too late.

  Not fast enough, not strong enough, not smart enough…

  He’d shot his wife and his kids. Clean, headshots all. I guessed those were his last bullets since… well.

  I found him torn apart, barely any meat left on him. He didn’t shoot himself, either out of a lack of bullets or wanting to go down swinging…

  I didn’t know and probably didn’t want to know. I just stood there for a while, immobile. He wasn’t the first enforcer's corpse I found…

  He also probably wouldn't be the last.

  He was the most fucked up however. His family…

  “I need a minute…”

  I got out of the apartment. We’d been retaking at a crazy rate and it was going well! We’d found more survivors, not as many as I’d like but more was more.

  Still I… “Fight now grieve later fight now grieve later fight now grieve later…” I just kept repeating the phrase on loop and it helped but at the moment…

  I found an isolated corner, not wanting my people seeing their samurai losing his shit. I just needed to recenter, to calm down and refocus and I’d be just fine…

  “Turn off my inputs…” Suddenly, I found myself in a sea of nothing. My echolocation’s absence felt odd, mostly because it felt odd that it felt odd. I’d gotten used to it pretty quick, probably mental integration shenanigans. The lack of sound was a balm to my soul. Same for sight. The dark calmed me.

  I’d ended up sitting with my legs to my chest. My tail wrapped around me, faux-fur deployed without the spikes. The thing was so long it wrapped around me and ended up on my lap. I moved the alien alloy away from my palm and petted it.

  There was a sex joke in there but I didn't feel like thinking of it. The softness helped. My heart rate slowed, but not enough. The memory of what I found, of how close I’d been…

  Then the shame of not being out there because I needed a moment… Would I lose another friend because I was losing my shit!? “I just… if… maybe… fuck… god dammit… Just…”

  Robin is here, I will retract your helmet.

  What!? This zone wasn’t cleared enough, there might be xenos! I couldn’t… I couldn’t really move, now, could I? “Fuck…” I felt air on my face as the smell of dead xenos and mega-building assaulted me. “Smell?” I asked no one, staring at nothing.

  I cannot turn it off, I have some domain over your sense of touch however, but I believe it would be unhelpful to turn it off.

  A soft hand reached for my face and I felt a weight on my armor. A hand went behind my heel and I let it do whatever. That’s how I ended up cross-legged. Right after, Robin sat there, his legs wrapped around my midriff.

  I knew it was Robin, it wasn’t really the smell that did it, it was this… feeling. The feeling of a body, its shape and size and a certain… awareness I couldn’t explain. It was the body I’d spent years with. The body I’d explored and that explored me.

  It was him, and he took the back of my head as I stared into nothing and just brought my face to the crook of his neck. I closed my eyes and let him do whatever the hell he wanted.

  My entire body untensed, same for my defenses. Robin…

  Then, I heard him… It came from the vibrations of bone to bone and flesh to flesh. The sound transferred and I heard those words that somehow didn’t disturb my peace: “It’s ok, you did good. You didn’t fuck this up. I love you. I’m sorry about your friend…”

  The fucking dam burst... I was able to keep it relatively quiet, but I had to. Just a little moment of losing my shit so I could get back to it. My tears flowed like crazy. I’m pretty sure I stained his shirt. I just had to.

  I needed Robin to know and tell me it was ok. I needed him to tell me I wasn't a piece of shit for taking a moment, as he did. He kept muttering reassurance, and I kept crying.

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  He stroked my tail, which bizarrely helped. Something about the tactile Altany gave that thing made the gesture comforting. His hand on my head did the same with my hair. I didn’t give him a full metal hug, I needed… peace. Just a few minutes of peace. That’s all I wanted. All I needed.

  Actually, no, I needed a fucking week of peace, quiet, grief, crying and probably screaming into a pillow. This was fucked ten ways to sunday. I hated the world for taking so much away from me. I hated myself for not being able to hold on to it…

  I hated every fucking piece of shit responsible. I hated the antithesis a goat fucking lot, but I hated the ones that unleashed them into my home just as much.

  Was it so fucking hard to not be such a massive piece of shit? To care a bare minimum about fucking human life!?

  The hate just made me cry harder. I lost so many people, so many fucking friend who shouldn’t have died just for FUCKING PROFIT!?

  Your people are running rescue operations, you have no current pressing matter, take your time.

  I stayed in the silent darkness for what felt way too short and way too long. Might have been five minutes, tops. Altany’s words helped a lot.

  But I still ended up only taking five minutes. My people needed me and I felt better. Not great, but I could fake great.

  In the end, I still felt like shit, but I could push it aside for the good of the people depending on me. This was far from done, even with the antithesis under control. They weren’t the only threat, after all.

  “Fight now, grieve later…”

  ***

  “Thank you darling.” I said with the type of conviction that couldn’t be faked. I’d turned my inputs back on.

  Sound and sight could sometimes be really aggressive to me. Bright flashes from some ads, loud noises without ear protection, hell even with ear protection. The more I got used to them, the less I felt… assaulted? Didn’t make me tense as much, at least.

  Smart earplugs thankfully didn’t cost too much. Severely reduced sound above a certain volume, which I always set pretty low.

  Gunfire had been the big one I got used to. I still didn’t like ‘surprise’ gunshots though. I hated being startled, surprised or stuff like that. It always felt aggressive to me. With my past, I was liable to have a violent reaction… Not violent for other people, just violent for me… mostly.

  There had been a couple incidents with some stupid practical jokers. Pointing a weapon at me in close quarters as a prank? Not a good idea. The very few who were that dumb learned quickly that doing this sort of prank to the vast majority of enforcers might end badly.

  Not something I felt proud of to be honest… It took a while before Jack’s crying didn’t attack my hearing that much. Rachael learned a while ago, after I had some freezes or reached for my gun after jump scares, that startling me wasn’t all in good fun. I’d never hurt her and intended never to, but she could easily tell it hurt me.

  For sight, I preferred the dark at all times, it just… soothed me, in a weird way. I liked the dark. It felt safer, calmer. I preferred taking night shifts in general as well. At least I didn’t get the sun blasting in my face in general.

  Fuck, I rarely saw the stupid thing. Windows weren’t common this low in the building, and even if they were? Who cares, the sky almost never cleared!

  “You’re my husband, I’m here for you and you’re here for me. That’s how it works.” Robin said, resulting in another kiss before I put my helmet back on.

  I was… mostly ready to kick ass and… no, just kick ass. I really wanted to kick someone’s ass. Probably the fuckers who did this. However, I had to focus. “What do you think should be next on the list?” I asked Altany.

  The north sector is clear enough to safely handle the survivors from the floor fifteen shelter. It will be a complicated situation. Your enforcers and the militia can run rescue without you, but no one else should open the shelter. I also suggest bringing Johnny Law along.

  “Alright, let’s get this done. I love you Robin, kiss the kids for me, I feel bad for not being there for them right now. It must be tough on them.” Robin snorted.

  “Their papa bear is killing armies of aliens, they’re super happy watching videos of you on the Altanet.”

  I snorted before stopping hard on that name. “The Altanet?”

  It is an extension of the enforcer net acting as a proper intranet for the Bear-Yakuza. The enforcers are acting as localized servers. It allows civilians to enjoy content and memes shared by others. It has no access to the wider net as we are still jammed. However, it helps to keep them calm and rather entertained.

  I stared into nothing for a few seconds before shrugging. “Meh, why the fuck not. If it makes the girls happy, it makes me happy. Thank you Altany!”

  I am happy to assist.

  After a few more farewells, I called Johnny Law. “Hey, Johnny!”

  “Hey, how’re yall?”

  “Been better… found another dead friend…”

  Johnny’s response was so profoundly genuine it hurt my heart a bit. “I can’t imagine that pain, I’m real sorry you have to go through that. Anything I can do to help?”

  I smiled. “How about coming with me to the shelter and helping me deal with the pieces of shit that made our lives hell before the aliens?

  “That sounds productive, altruistic, vindictive and cathartic. I’m way the heck in! I'll meet you there. Let’s see who gets there first!” I laughed as I cut the comms then deployed my helmet. It was an intense day, but Johnny fucking helped in all aspects.

  ***

  “Alright, so, the Kais are the assholes that ran shit. That includes the insanely fucked up brothels.” I said, explaining on the way since we were almost there.

  I poured on the speed to explain since I should’ve done it earlier. “They are part of a multi-building gang that’s pretty powerful but not even mid-tier. They stopped running raids mindlessly a few years back.”

  This was a very quick summary of an extremely thick dossier, but I wanted to focus on the more salient points. “ Not that many of their members will have made it in, of course. However, there’s probably going to be a few enforcers and a ton of Bear-Yakuza. Every floor has incrementally better comfort and protection in the shelters, and this one’s not that bad. Many rooms, very spacious, but also, this floor is severely underpopulated.”

  “I can imagin’” Johnny said pensively. “With the Bear-Yakuza right under, who the heck would want to live here?” I nodded even if he couldn’t see.

  “Exactly. The answer is people without a choice. If they leave the territory they die, some have a lease or even property on these floors or are affiliated with the gang. There are more reasons but you get the picture. There’s also their slaves. Lots of people we don’t want to shoot. Also, we can probably get them to back down pretty easily.”

  “Alrighty! Let’s do this…” I arrived a bit earlier since Johnny Law was coming from further away.

  Louis, you will want to take a look at these.