Hajime, back on stage, asks: “GPS manager-san… what do I do now?”

  Valiant: “Just wave and smile for a few seconds. They’re really appreciating you at the moment.”

  Hajime: “Ummm… are they still buffering or are they lagging?”

  Valiant: “When in doubt, it’s probably both.”

  Hajime forces a strange smile. “Okay, okay… I hope the loot is worth it.”

  Valiant: “Don’t worry, you’re guaranteed to be popular with the ladies. You already have a beautiful redhead with a straw hat waiting for you by the end of all this.”

  Hajime: “Redhead? I do like straw hats…”

  Whalescalibur: “You know that the 77% cashback guarantee is a scam, right? Refunds are heretical for a reason. Sigh… let me change the ad.”

  Hajime speaks towards Valiant. “Shouldn’t we change the venue soon? It’s getting pretty boring.”

  Whalescalibur the ever idiot still believes that Hajime is talking to her.

  Whalescalibur: “Yeah, you’re right… it’s getting really stale! Let’s see… the Material & Dwarven soap-novel ad collection is a better alternative… We can never really beat classics like: ‘To edge with that orichalcum hammer baby,’ ‘Mithril,the only scabbard for these classy ladies,’ and ‘Please, oil me before service Master!’”

  So many suspicious titles for shows that one stupid sword likes.

  Valiant: “Only a few more minutes for the change. Then you can sit and judge who you like best for the Saintess role.”

  Hajime: “Are there any drop-dead beauties?”

  Whalescalibur: “Yes, some of them have drop-dead beauties! Not as beautiful as I of course!”

  Valiant: “Don’t know. I’m stuck with you, hero.”

  Hajime: “That suuucks…”

  Whalescalibur, ever the narcissist: “Yes, it sucks that no one can be as beautiful as I! Let’s watch some of my promotional advertisements from Season 2.”

  Valiant doesn’t correct her. Sometimes it’s better for certain items to live in the delusions of their own makings. Hajime non the wiser continues chatting.

  Shadowy Presence: “The cow is in the barn… I repeat, the cow is in the barn.”

  Boss: “What stupid thing are you saying?! Is the hero present?”

  Lackey: “Excuse me, boss… I felt like that was the theme of the episode. Look at the hero!”

  Boss: “I’m not seeing the hero dumbass! That’s why I asked for a damned report!”

  Lackey: “Yes, boss. He’s in the building.”

  Boss: “Describe him to me!”

  Lackey: “His features are impeccable. Gravitas and ads follow him everywhere he goes… and he has a golden cow with him.”

  Boss: “A golden cow?! Are you shitting me?!”

  Lackey: “I wish I was shitting on you boss, but we all know we can’t have nice things.”

  If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

  Boss: “Don’t spew your sick thoughts over the orb network! You have to pay a premium for that privilege you poor bastard! … Wait a moment I’ve got an orb call on the other line. Keep your eyes on the hero!”

  The call ends.

  Lackey: “…Honestly, such a bitch. I’m not her lackey… I’m her damned—”

  A giant gong shakes the venue, signaling a change of pace.

  Announcer: “Now… NOW… I know all of you are excited, thirsty for entertainment, and itching for copious amounts of clout! Hold your premiums until the end, ladies and gentlemen! We must first begin… THE ADDDD OFFFFF!”

  “Please everyone, give a loud applause for the Golden-Tier contestants!”

  A veil lifts, revealing suspicious silhouettes that Hajime vaguely recognizes.

  Announcer:

  “Now, everyone, please give a loud round of applause for a returning favorite! A fox miko from the Furrutopiad Kingdom, always the charmer with her exotic dances paired with fiery pyrotechnics! Always the clout chaser and devoted marketer—

  the one and only Autumn Amber!!!”

  A nine-tailed fox girl strolls out, each tail spraying fire-prevention ads like hoses of fiery confetti. She wears an orange kimono, moving like a seductress stalking prey. She steals a furtive look at Hajime; her knees buckle for a moment, but she still smiles perfectly as the orb feed captures her mastery as an entertainer. She returns to the back of the stage.

  Hajime: “Ummm… one of the NPCs is moving… She looks like an orange?”

  Valiant: “Hajime, how could you describe a woman as an orange?”

  Hajime: “My depth perception is screwed because of my eye condition.”

  Valiant: “Sure, hero-kun… just don’t say that to her face. She’s an essential NPC.”

  Hajime: “Got it. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Announcer:

  “Our next contestant is also a returning favorite! Runner-up of the Fifth Saintess Selection!

  An angel who has stolen the hearts of many with her perfect pop-liturgical singing and immaculate lip-syncing!

  She has brought her band back from the grave for this occasion!

  Let’s give a big round of advertisements to Adael!!!”

  Adael appears—an immense divine beauty born from the repression of an office slave. She embodies the duality of sorrow and happiness… all for the recognition of her most recent oshi. She waves to the crowd and throws feather-themed ads into the air, showing the time and place of her last gig.

  Hajime: “Is that one another NPC? She looks like an coconut.”

  Valiant: “Hajime… don’t call women coconuts. They don’t like being compared to round things.”

  Hajime: “Damn my eyes… Is she an essential NPC?”

  Valiant: “No. She’s more like the side character you wish was a heroine.”

  Hajime: “…That’s sad.”

  Valiant: “No, it’s not. You’ve got enough on your plate hero-kun...”

  Announcer:

  “Now!!! An exotic and mysterious girl hails to us from the East! A cold beauty advertising her presence with silent stares, few words, and deadly efficiency! Could she be our true underdog?

  Please give a round of subscriptions tooooo Xian Xuuuuu!!!”

  A cold cultivator beauty strolls across the stage, doing nothing special. The crowd goes wild—especially one noticeably loud guy.

  Hajime: “She looks like a pear to me… Damn my eyes…”

  The girl’s eye twitches; she rushes backstage, holding something in and covering her face.

  Valiant: “A pear??? Justify this one.”

  Hajime: “She’s wearing… I don’t know… green? And her behind is—”

  Valiant: “Perv. So you do have eyes for that.”

  Hajime laughs awkwardly.

  Valiant: “She’s taken, hero-kun. Don’t add her to your harem plans.”

  Hajime: “Damn… all the good ones are always taken…”

  Announcer:

  “Hailing from the Magicad Imperium!

  An innovator, a savant, a magical genius that's more exclusive than the queen’s behind!

  Possessing riches as vast as her bust and crushing authority beneath a deceptively evil smile!

  Our one and only Villainess Duchess—Lucretiad!!!”

  A busty woman in a golden aristocratic dress appears, wielding a gilded fan. She laughs her trademark HOHOHOHOHOHO, flashing cash and magic ads around the stage.

  Hajime: “This one looks like an apple…”

  Valiant: “Apples aren’t golden, Hajime.”

  Hajime: “Yes they are. Look at them fruits.”

  Valiant: “Hush. Don’t be a creep. It’s rude to stare.”

  Hajime: “How long do I need to sit here?”

  Valiant: “Just a few more NPCs.”

  Suddenly, Hajime clutches his heart.

  Hajime: “…What is this sinking feeling…?”

  The Dungeon

  Miasma seeps into the cells of tortured souls. Screams and static flood the area.

  Some of the dead awaken as puppets to an ancient evil.

  Others refuse to rise—too broken, their souls no longer able to advertise their merit for the great beyond.

  The Adless rise from the depths, following the will of their distressed yandere master.

  Caladblock:

  “Free me!!!

  NOWWWWWW!!!”

  Her scream cracks the seal one inch at a time.