Entertain them now.

  Affect them deeply.

  So they keep looking.

  Collected Unpublished Lyrics

  - Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn, (2771)

  Journal

  It’s time for me to be thinking about the future because I’ve got decisions to make, and I can’t think straight. My thoughts just keep whirling around repetitively, and I can’t get anywhere. I keep pacing around my room, so maybe writing will help me sort some things out.

  I’m over halfway through my six-month Work Acceptance. In a couple of months, I’ll have to leave Shurwinn or apply for citizenship if that’s even possible.

  They sort of drive me crazy here with the lack of information. There is nothing in the stream about citizenship, and I don’t even know if off spheres can apply.

  Do you have to be born here to live here long term, and do I want to live here forever?

  Am I leaving my career as an obgyneca? And to do what? Be a gardener at a monastery in a desert oasis? Should I go to another holiday sphere or spend time traveling the galaxy? Weirdly, as unconventional as my life is here in Media, I really like it.

  I’m doing well in Tindin. I’m at Level 3. They call it "Yellow Beader" in Shurwinn. Every morning, Denten and I greet the sun, then we bow, and he starts the dance.

  I’m sparring in only Tindin now, and he's sparring one level above me. At least, I think that’s what is going on. He’s not using the skill level he used in our first session, and he doesn’t say anything.

  When I make a mistake, he backs up a few steps and repeats himself, giving me a chance to make a correction on my own. If I can’t adjust for myself, he shows me what to do, and I mimic him.

  I don’t understand what I’m doing to progress up the levels, surprise, surprise. Some days, Denten presents me with a little beaded bag at the end of our training, and that’s how I know I’ve leveled up.

  Red for Level 1, Orange for Level 2, Yellow for Level 3. Inside the bag is a single strand of beads in the corresponding color, and they're tiny, just over a millimeter wide and around eighteen inches long.

  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with the beads. I see some people wearing theirs around their necks, or as belts, or twined in their braided hair, but so far, mine are hanging out here in my little room.

  I don’t see a reason to leave Shurwinn and travel the galaxy when I’m working my way through the Tindin levels, but everything in my life feels temporary at the moment: I’m eating this way for now. I’m living here for now. I’m working here for now.

  But none of this is a long-term solution.

  Am I really going to stay in a monastery more than six months?

  I’ve been writing more: my dreams, my new ideas, my erotica experiences. I don’t know if I’m writing it to work out how I feel, to keep track of the progress I’m making, or because I need to do something with it in the future.

  Stolen novel; please report.

  I feel like I have to keep writing everything down, and that actually helps. My circling thoughts solidify. Like, I can focus on making a decision, and actually, I think that’s what I just did.

  I think I want to stay in Shurwinn.

  I’m going to ask if I can.

  She didn’t know that we were family. I thought I should change that.

  - Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn, (2778)

  Everything hurt. I felt bruised head to toe. I was covered in sweat, and my feet were freezing.

  I was nauseous and aching and so tired. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn’t relax. It hurt too much. My feet felt like every bone was broken, and resting them on the mattress was killer.

  Why? What was wrong with me?

  I was supposed to be better. I did everything right. I worked so hard. I hadn’t done anything different, so how could I feel so bad? Was it more detox? What had changed? What triggered it? How could I fix it if I didn’t know what had caused it?

  How long had it been? Days?

  I heard soft footsteps. I couldn’t sit up. I was too weak. There was a cool hand on my brow.

  “Ryst, you’re burning up. Should I call a medica?” A woman. Rich voice. Familiar. Sorchen?

  Could I talk? I had to talk. “No. Juice.”

  “Are you sure, Ryst?” she asked softly, smoothing hair out of my face.

  “Trust me,” I said through clenched teeth.

  There was movement again, and something against my lips. A gentle voice, “Ryst, drink this.”

  It was a straw. I sipped. It was cold and sweet and good. I drank as much as I could, then closed my eyes.

  I was so tired. I just wanted to rest. I needed to slow down my brain and relax my mind, but it was so hard. I focused on my breathing. I remembered Denten’s coaching when we first started to greet the sun in dojo 6.

  “Flow with the breath. You are the breath. The breath is within you. The breath is without. The breath moves you. You move the breath. You are the breath.”

  I repeated the words with slow inhales and practiced the flow in my mind. It kept my mind occupied, so my thoughts didn't spin out of control again.

  "I am the breath. The breath is within me. The breath is without. The breath moves me. I move the breath. I am the breath. Feel the breath move me."

  I remembered floating in the hot tub and how relaxed I'd felt lying in that tub. I imagined the hot water soaking my sore body. I was the breath. I was relaxing in a hot pool of water. I was floating and breathing.

  I had felt the man from my dream. We had laughed together in the hot tub. Could he feel me now? I was too tired to laugh. I couldn’t reach. I couldn’t expand. I was not vast. I was small, and I was weak, and I needed him.

  "Beloved, my Ahtah, my only one,” I thought, desperately. “Can you hear me? I can’t feel you. I’m so sick. And I’m scared. And everything hurts. It always hurts, and it never gets better. And I try so hard, but I can’t get well. I’m broken, Ahtah. I’m broken, and I can’t get well, and no one can fix me."

  I had no tears. Only pain, and I sent it all towards that person I couldn’t see, but who felt like he would care if he could.

  "I screwed up so bad. I married someone who didn’t love me, and he hurt me, and my life is ruined. Why? Why did I do it? What was wrong with me? Why didn’t I see that he was a bad person?"

  "Was I just so desperate for affection that I found a man who is so much like my twisted family and married him because I don’t know what real love is? That I just think it’s normal to be treated badly because no one has ever really been good to me?"

  "I know what you feel like. I know what it feels like now to love myself. To think that I matter. No one ever did that for me. It was just a constant need to perform. To keep them from being upset. To never think about what I really wanted."

  "I don’t want this constant suffering. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to do it alone anymore. Can you help me, Ahtah?"

  "I don’t want to be alone."

  Everything went dark.

  Dream Journal

  There was a long corridor. I was walking down a long, empty hallway. Then there were stairs. I went down the stairs. Down, down.

  Then the stairs disappeared. I fell.

  My arms went out, and I reached, slowing. I was slowing myself; lowering. Down. Slowly. I could feel myself slowing and lowering.

  I was not falling.

  There were arms around my waist and someone behind me. He wrapped around me, and we were lowered down, down, down. We landed.

  Our feet touched solid ground.

  I opened my eyes, feeling better. I could move. I reached for my notebook and wrote it all. Everything I could remember about the days during the relapse and the dreams. About talking to my Ahtah, and then dreaming of him.

  Feeling hungry, I noticed a cooler in my room. It was about chest high, and there were bowls of fruit on top. The inside was loaded with juices and bowls of chopped fruit.

  I dug in. Sorchen must have brought it? I wasn’t sure. Could I keep the refrigerator in my room? That would be nice.

  Once I’d showered and there were clean sheets on the bed, I decided it was a good time for a graphic novel. I was weak and tired, but ready for something new.

  "Chaludra: Warrior Priestess of Lone Rock Mountain, I am coming!” I thought to myself, and she didn’t let me down.