What’s happening? What the hell is happening?

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick… what are you talking about? Has something happened?”

  Tadwick’s breathing grew uncontrolled again. He tried to speak, but couldn’t. Kiyui continued to stroke his head.

  Kiyui: “Tadpole, honey. I’m going to go get you a glass of water. You stay with your dad. Don’t worry, whatever’s happened, we’ll get to the bottom of it. I’ll be right back.”

  What the fuck? Why is he leaving right now? Help me… I need him to help me with this. I gave him a glare of disapproval and signed “why leave?”

  Kiyui signed “think,” lowered the bedsheet that he had pulled over himself. He gestured to the pool of semen on his stomach then signed “arse leaking.”

  Okay… no… yeah… he needs to deal with that… last thing we need is Tadwick diving on him for a cuddle and getting that stuff all over himself. This situation is bad enough without having to explain that. I nodded in realisation and Kiyui left the room to sort himself out and get Tadwick a drink.

  I’m not sure how long it was before Tadwick calmed down enough to actually speak properly. But Kiyui had cleaned himself up and returned with a glass of water a good while earlier.

  In an attempt to calm him, Kiyui was playing his lyre while Tadwick cuddled into me. I cradled him and hummed along to the music. I encouraged Tadwick to try to hum along as well. Damecus once told me that focussing on something like that can help calm the mind in moments of extreme stress. Humming also encourages breath regulation. He gave it a good go. He struggled at first… but after a while it did seem to work and his breathing slowed.

  We kept going for a while, even after he seemed calm. We didn’t want to stop too early and have him escalate again.

  Dwynfel: “While we talk… do you want to sit on the bed? Or do you want to stay cuddled up?”

  Tadwick: “Stay.”

  He spoke in a meek little voice that I am not used to from him. Tadwick normally has two volumes… loud… or louder. Whatever dream he has had tonight, it has shaken him to his core.

  Dwynfel: “Before… you asked if you had killed somebody… what did you mean?”

  Tadwick: “When I was little… when I was little… did I kill somebody?”

  Dwynfel: “No… no you didn’t. Why do you suddenly think you did?”

  Tadwick: “Cause I had this dream… and… and… I was little… and… I was in this cave… and… I was covered in blood… but… but… it wasn’t my blood… it wasn’t my blood, Dad.”

  Oh shit… he’s remembering all the stuff he blocked out years ago. I’ve tried to talk to him about what happened before, but he always said he didn’t remember anything. Shit… I need to clarify what happened in his head… but what do I say? Do I just tell him everything? No… I think that’ll be too much for him. I need to work out exactly what he remembers first.

  I presented the glass of water that Kiyui had brought in.

  Dwynfel: “Have a little drink… okay… then I want you try to tell me everything that you remember from before you lived here… okay? Can you do that?”

  He nodded his head and downed the entire glass of water. He placed the cup back in my hand and Kiyui took it from me.

  Kiyui: “I get the feeling we may need a refill.”

  He popped into the kitchen to refill the glass. It only took him a few seconds this time since he wasn’t cleaning himself or anything. He was back in the room before Tadwick started speaking.

  Tadwick was still crying as he spoke… but nowhere near as heavily as before. It didn’t affect his speech much… apart from the occasional sniffle.

  Tadwick: “I don’t really ‘member much… I only kinda ‘member the orphanage… dere was a man dat used to give me sweets… dere were some bigger boys who were kinda mean… dere was a teacher who used to cane us if we were naughty… I shared a room with a boy names James.”

  I remember trying to talk to him about the orphanage on the way back here after that teleportation cock-up. It didn’t seem like the best place… but, like everywhere… it sounded like a mix of nice people and… well… not so nice.

  Since moving into the farm, he hasn’t really talked about it much. He seems to be much more focussed on the here and now. This is the first time that he has initiated a conversation about his past.

  Tadwick: “After the orphanage, fings get… fuzzy. I memember being somewhere dark… and cold. I ‘member being afwaid… weely weely afwaid. An’ den… an’ den you were dere… and you made me not afwaid anymore.”

  He's blocked out the entire incident with the goblins… it must be creeping back in through his dreams. No wonder he’s been waking up screaming.

  Tadwick: “Next fing… after dat… I ‘member a camp fire… and you were dere… Kitty was there… and Phoenix… and Damecus… and we met Nomius… and we went on an adventure… and then we came here… and you made me safe… and you made me happy. But what happened in the blank? What happened, Dad? Why do I keep waking up afwaid? Why do I memember blood? I can smell it… it’s like it’s in my nose… I can hear screams… I memember holding a big rock… did I do something howwid, Dad?”

  I cuddled him tighter. My arms were killing me and I couldn’t feel my left leg anymore… but that wasn’t important to me in that moment. All I could think about was making him feel better… making him feel safe.

  Dwynfel: “You didn’t, Tad. You never did anything horrid. I promise you… you didn’t.”

  Tadwick: “Then why am I seeing these things? What’s wrong with me?”

  I don’t know what to say to him… do I tell him a basics version of what happened? Will that help? Will that make things worse? I sure as hell can’t tell him what that thing intended to do to him. Gods… I just…

  I looked at Kiyui in panic. He placed his hand on mine and gently nodded to me. Right, okay… I need to tell him something… what he needs right now is honesty.

  Dwynfel: “You and the other boys… you were taken from that orphanage.”

  Tadwick: “Why?”

  Dwynfel: “Because there was… there was a very unpleasant monster… and it needed you for a ritual.”

  Tadwick: “Why us? What did we do?”

  Kiyui: “You didn’t do anything, Tadpole. I promise you, you didn’t.”

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui’s right. You weren’t chosen because you did anything wrong. You were chosen because you were convenient. They needed ten boys and there were ten boys at that orphanage. That is all. You didn’t do anything to deserve it… you didn’t do anything to encourage it. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  He sniffled and wiped his nose on my chest. He gripped his arms tighter around my chest. Mother of Mercy, this would be so much more comfortable if he wasn’t bigger and stronger than me. I swear he’ll break my ribs if he squeezes much harder.

  Tadwick: “At dat place dat we camped at… the place wif da waterfall. Damecus said dat everybody from da orphanage was dead. Why did dey die and not me? Why am I alive and dey aren’t?”

  Shit… survivor’s guilt. I’ve heard of this before. I have no idea how to deal with it though.

  Dwynfel: “Again… nothing that you did… nothing that they did. It was simply because you were the youngest. As the youngest, you would have been killed last in the ritual. If we had arrived at that cave an hour later then… then the ritual would have been completed and you wouldn’t be here anymore. And Tadwick… I am so… so very glad that that didn’t happen. Because I love you and the thought of not having you around… it… it causes me physical pain. You’re a part of my life now, Tadwick. You’re a part of me… and I wouldn’t change that for anything.”

  Tadwick: “But why did I have a big wock? And what about the blood. Why was I covered in blood?”

  This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

  Shit… how much of this story do I censor? He’s asking about the blood, but if I give every gory detail… will that not make him worse?

  Dwynfel: “Well… do you remember Lady Katheryn?”

  Tadwick: “Yeah… we went to her ball… where you got your sword.”

  Dwynfel: “Well… she had also been taken to that cave. And… and the three of us needed to get out of that cave. When we tried to leave… we were attacked… I was trying to defend everyone… but there were too many. One of them tried to attack Lady Katheryn… and you defended her by throwing rocks. You didn’t kill anyone… but… Lady Katheryn and I did… and there was a lot of blood… I think that is what you are remembering. One of those things was hurting you and lady Katheryn killed it in front of you. I think that is the blood that you are remembering.”

  Tadwick: “You keep saying they were fings… what were dey? What took me?”

  Dwynfel: “Goblins, Tadwick. You were taken by goblins.”

  Suddenly his face froze… his breathing started to race again and the crying started to become significantly worse. I don’t understand… I thought the truth would help him. I thought he’d be glad that he didn’t kill anyone.

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick, it’s alright… they can’t hurt you now… we killed the creature that was after you… as well as every goblin in that nest. Nothing from that nest will ever hurt you ever again.”

  He sniffed and tried to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand.

  Tadwick: “Dat’s not it, Dad. Dey were goblins… dey were goblins, like you. You say I didn’t kill any, but I helped. I helped kill goblins. I don’t want goblins to die.”

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick, trust me. Those goblins needed to die. They were Grim. The Grim are not like the Bracken. They are evil. They do horrible things to people. They did horrible things to Lady Katheryn. They murdered all the grownups from your orphanage. They sacrificed all of your friends to that monster. What would have happened to you if we hadn’t killed them all… it makes me sick. So, I need you to listen to me here. You must never feel bad about the fact that you helped us to kill a few of them. They were terrible, evil creatures and they deserved to be eradicated.”

  It suddenly occurs to me that since that incident… he has never encountered a bad goblin. He had that one supremely fucked up experience with them… which he blocked from his mind. Then… ever since… he has been raised by a Grim and spent time with various Bracken. He doesn’t know… he doesn’t realise how truly horrible these creatures are.

  Tadwick: “But… but you aren’t like that, Dad. And if you aren’t like dat, den dey can’t all be evil. What if dere were some nice ones in dat cave?”

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick, I completely understand what you are saying. But, trust me. I spent the first two years of my life in one of those nests. There was not a single innocent goblin in that nest. If we didn’t wipe out that nest, then they would have continued to do horrible things to people. The Grim are evil Tadwick… they are evil and they are better off dead.”

  Tadwick jumped off my knee and turned to look at me… the tears were fully streaming down his face again. He started screaming at me.

  Tadwick: “No! No, they aren’t! They aren’t!”

  He ran out the door. I heard his feet stamping on the staircase. I looked at Kiyui in confusion.

  Dwynfel: “I don’t get it… why did that upset him?”

  Kiyui: “Because you’re a Grim, you idiot. You’re his dad and you’re a Grim. You can’t just sit there and tell him that all Grim deserve to die.”

  He’s right… I’m a fucking idiot.

  Kiyui: “I’ll go talk to him and calm him down. You… clean yourself up then come and see him.”

  Dwynfel: “Shouldn’t I go with you?”

  Once again, Kiyui did the “think” sign at me.

  Kiyui: “Seriously? Before he came in, you coated yourself in cum and were balls deep in my arse. You need to wash yourself… I’ll clean the sheets after you take over with him.”

  He shook his head, turned, and left the room. I moved the sheets off my waste and looked down… yeah… he really has a point.

  I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself quickly before heading up to Tadwick’s room. I could hear them talking long before I reached the door. I decided to tred carefully so as to not interrupt them. I probably needn’t have bothered. Tadwick was being so loud that I doubt he would have heard a creaking floorboard.

  Tadwick: “Dey aren’t better dead! I don’t want them to die! I don’t want him to die!”

  Kiyui: “Tadpole, honey. He didn’t mean it like that. He just… he didn’t pick his words very well.”

  Tadwick: “But… but… but he’s a Gwim… and he saved me… he always looks out for me… they can’t be evil… ‘cause if dey are evil, den dat means he’s evil… and he isn’t… he just isn’t!”

  Urgh… I really fucked up here. Instead of helping him through this, I’ve just given him something else to be dwell on. Shit… how do I fix this?

  Kiyui: “It’s complicated, Tadpole. Your dad… he has… he has a history with the Grim… and… well… I think its best that your dad explains. He’ll be here in a second.”

  Shit… I guess that’s my cue. But I’m not ready… I don’t know what to say. But I need to go in there… I can’t just hide out here.

  I took a deep breath and entered the room. Tadwick was lying on the bed… his face half pressed into his pillow, facing away from Kiyui. Kiyui was leaning over him, delicately rubbing his back. As I entered, Tadwick didn’t look at me… instead, he thrust his head further into his pillow. Kiyui stood up, walked over to me, and put his hand on my shoulder.

  Kiyui: “I’ll leave you two to talk.”

  I sat down on the bed behind Tadwick. I wasn’t sure whether he would want me to stroke his back like Kiyui was doing, so I elected to just sit and talk.

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick… umm… I’m sorry. I… I didn’t explain things very well. The Grim… they are the way they are… because that is what being raised in a nest like that does to them. They are raised to see humans as enemies. They are raised to find pleasure in hurting people. They are raised to hurt women. I lived in a nest for two years. The things that happen in those places, Tadwick… they are things that should never happen anywhere.”

  Tadwick: “But you aren’t like dat…”

  Dwynfel: “For those two years… I was. I did things in that time… that I wish I could forget.”

  Tadwick: “But you aren’t like that!”

  Dwynfel: “My nest was killed by my dad and his party. My dad… he knocked me out and brought me here. Your grandma and him… they raised me here. And I did not make it easy for them. All those scars on Grandma’s arms. I did that. I attacked them… I tried to kill them… many, many times. It took a very long time before I came to see that there was a better way to be. And I have spent my life trying to make up for the awful things that I did.”

  Tadwick sat up and turned to face me. His lip quivering and his teeth chattering. Snot was smeared across the left side of his face because of how he had been lying.

  Tadwick: “But… you changed… so… why should we kill dem? You changed… maybe they can too.”

  Dwynfel: “Because… because when they have their nest… when they have numbers… they will not listen to reason… they will not negotiate. Believe me… we tried… we honestly tried… and it got Keith and Agaroth killed. Lady Smythe is raising a baby from that hive. She also took a prisoner that she is trying to civilise. But neither of those things would be possible if we had not killed the rest of the nest. As long as a nest has numbers… it will never change.”

  Tadwick: “I just don’t understand… how can you be… you… and dey be like that.”

  Shit… he’s too young to be teaching things like this. The concept that not everybody is nice and that there are arseholes in this world is so bloody depressing.

  Dwynfel: “All species are like that really, Tadwick. You get good humans and bad humans… you get good lizardmen and bad lizardmen. I’m sure there are plenty of nice people within the Anubis Empire. With humans… there are more good people than bad. With the Grim… with the Grim it is the other way around.”

  Tadwick: “But what if we accidentally killed one of the good ones?”

  Dwynfel: “We didn’t… when we escaped that cave… we only killed goblins in self-defence. We did not harm a single innocent. I can promise you that.”

  He sniffed and wiped snot onto his wrist. I grabbed a handkerchief from the drawer next to his bed. The drawer was full of them because he never carries the damn things with him like he’s supposed to. I wiped the snot off his wrist and face.

  Dwynfel: “Grandma stitched these for you. You really should use them.”

  He laughed and snorted slightly.

  Dwynfel: “I have an idea. Tomorrow… why don’t we go and see Lady Smythe and ask if we can see the baby and speak to her prisoner. Maybe that will help you understand. That sound good.”

  He nodded.

  Tadwick: “Uh huh. Umm… Dad… could you stay wif me tonight?”

  Dwynfel: “Of course I can, Tadwick.”

  I pulled the bedsheet back and we both climbed under it. His bed is really too small for the two of us now. I mean, we both technically fit… but he’s bigger than I am now… and he’s only going to keep growing… this certainly won’t be an option for much longer.

  He wrapped himself around me in much the same way that Kiyui normally does. He rested his head on my chest. He seems to have stopped crying now… which is good. At least my chest shouldn’t end up covered in snot. I just hope that I made the right decision about taking him to see the Grim at Smutisha’s. I really hope this doesn’t backfire and…

  Tadwick: “Dad… why were you and Kiyui fighting when I came in?”

  Oh shit.