Chapter 30

  Floor Six

  “Are you sure Kaelis will be okay running the guild while we’re gone?” I asked as we began our journey through the tunnel to Floor Six.

  Rel shrugged.

  “I suppose we’ll find out when we return, but I think he’ll surprise us,” he said. “I’ve learned a little more about our apprentice over the past few weeks. Apparently, back on his home planet, he was the fourth son of some minor lord. His education involved learning how to manage the day-to-day operations of an estate.”

  “Oh,” I said. “In that case he’s far more qualified than either of us.”

  “In terms of logistics, perhaps,” admitted Rel. “But without my wisdom and leadership?”

  He didn’t finish the thought with words, instead just shaking his head as if the very idea were absurd.

  “What do I bring to the table?” I asked.

  “You,” said Rel, running an eye over me. “You’re the muscle.”

  I grinned.

  “I can live with that.”

  * * *

  A pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel signalled our arrival on Floor Six. As we drew nearer, climbing a gentle incline, all that was visible was empty blue sky. Then I felt a cool breeze. It carried a scent so familiar that, for a moment, it made me feel a little homesick.

  The crisp, salty air of the sea.

  It was joined a few moments later by the sound of waves lapping gently against rock and the distant cry of gulls.

  Rel froze.

  “No,” he muttered. “No. Not water.”

  I glanced down at him. He looked like he’d seen a ghost. A ghost that he couldn’t decide if he wanted to run away from or violently exorcise.

  “Why do you care if there’s water?” I asked.

  He spun around to face me so quickly that I was surprised the movement didn’t give him whiplash. He fixed me with eyes that held an equal measure of panic and fury.

  “Look at my tail, Pete!” he snapped. “Look at it!”

  I worried that my clothes would pay the fiery price if I didn’t, so I examined his tail. Intently.

  “Look how fucking fluffy it is!” he continued, swishing it to emphasise his point. “What do you think would happen to it if it got wet?”

  I had no idea, but I was suddenly very interested in finding out.

  I kept the thought to myself.

  “Oh, you’re right, buddy,” I said, nodding my head gravely. “That’d be a tragedy of the highest order.”

  We walked the final hundred metres to the tunnel opening, Rel trailing reluctantly behind.

  Stepping out onto a small rocky outcrop, my jaw dropped as I took in the view. I heard Rel groan behind me, muttering ‘shit’ repeatedly under his breath.

  I could understand why.

  I looked to my left.

  Water.

  I looked to my right.

  Water.

  I looked directly ahead.

  You guessed it…

  Water.

  We were in the middle of a seemingly endless sea. Aside from the miniature island beneath our feet, there wasn’t the faintest suggestion of land anywhere in sight. I hopped onto the tunnel entrance to check behind us. The rock followed the tunnel’s gradual decline and was quickly swallowed by the gentle waves.

  At the edge of the outcrop stood a simple wooden jetty which stretched about ten metres. At the end, a small rowing boat bobbed in the water, two oars propped up against the benches.

  It appeared we had two options: go back through the tunnel and live the rest of our lives in shame, or pull up our big boy pants and sail the seven seas.

  There was only one option in my mind, whether Rel liked it or not.

  “Look on the brightside,” I said, turning to face him. “At least after this, you might be able to add another title to your growing list: Captain Rel.”

  That seemed to cheer him up a little.

  * * *

  Several hours later, we were still rowing aimlessly through the vast, empty sea. Much to Rel’s disgust, we’d yet to see anything but water.

  The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  Honestly? I was loving life. Even Rel’s constant grumbling and muttering couldn’t dampen my mood. I hummed to myself as I rowed, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my skin. The refreshing sea breeze was just enough to take the edge off the heat.

  The boat felt sturdy enough, so I put a little extra oomph into the rowing, propelling us through the water at a speed that would've made a speedboat jealous.

  “What a ridiculous Floor,” snapped Rel. “What’s the boss supposed to be? Boredom? Avoiding getting wet?”

  As if in answer to his question, a speck appeared on the horizon. I said nothing at first, unsure whether it was just my imagination. However, a few minutes later, it was unmistakable. There was another ship. A big one. Heading straight for us.

  “Rel,” I said, “it looks like we’ve got company.”

  He hopped to his feet and stared intently at the approaching vessel.

  “I bet they’ll know how to reach land!” he said, a spark of desperate hope igniting in his voice.

  It was soon close enough for me to make out finer details, and when I got a proper look at the black flag billowing from its mast, I felt like all my wildest childhood dreams had come true.

  It was a skull and crossbones.

  Pirates!

  As the enormous ship pulled up alongside ours, plunging us into shadow, several weather-beaten faces peered over the side. They were human, their skin tanned the colour of weathered oak from a lifetime in the sun. Judging by the hard expressions on their faces, I guessed Rel was going to be rather disappointed by the reception we’d receive.

  Me, however? Things had just gone from great to fucking incredible.

  “Ahoy there, mateys!” I shouted, in what was probably the most offensively stereotypical pirate voice imaginable. “Permission to come aboard?”

  They turned and muttered amongst themselves. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but one of them gestured in my direction and I was fairly certain I heard the word ‘moron’ more than once. Apparently having reached some sort of conclusion, they tossed a rope over the side. It landed in our little boat with a deep thud, making it rock violently.

  “Are they as stupid as they are ugly?” growled Rel. “I swear, if so much as a drop of water touches my tail, I’ll reduce their fucking boat to ashes.”

  He paused for a moment to consider what degree of outrage felt appropriate for the situation.

  “With them still on it.”

  He scurried up my body and came to a stop on my shoulder. I grabbed the rope and hauled us up with such absurd ease that I wished my younger, gym-class self could have seen it. I reached the top and hopped over the rail, my eyes widening at the sight that greeted us.

  We were enclosed in a half-circle of pirates, their blades raised and glinting menacingly in the sun. Their savage snarls were momentarily undercut by confusion when I broke into a shit-eating grin.

  An eyepatch here. A wooden leg there. One of them even had a fucking parrot.

  “Funny-looking creatures, aren’t they?” mused Rel in my ear.

  My eyes narrowed. They were humans.

  “And what exactly do you mean by that?” I asked.

  “Oh, you know,” he replied innocently. “They have very strange… outfits.”

  The mob parted, and the captain swaggered forward, easily identifiable by the highly generic tricorn hat perched on his head.

  “These be dangerous seas to be sailin’ for a pair of lily-livered landlubbers like yourselves,” he said, grinning. All that remained of his teeth were twisted, rotten black shards that would’ve made even the hardiest of dentist weep.

  He was a stereotypical pirate – but not one of the glamorised ones you see in movies and TV shows. No, he was more like the kind you’d have found sailing the seas in the seventeenth century.

  How do I put this nicely...?

  Oh, wait - I don't have to. The guy was a murderous pirate, after all.

  He was disgusting. His tanned, craggy face was covered in several days’ worth of stubble and looked like it’d benefit from a very enthusiastic wash. His clothes were just as filthy, the material of his cotton shirt frayed and caked in grime and dirt. I’m guessing that once upon a time it had been white, but it was impossible to tell now.

  As I ran my eyes over the other pirates, I felt my excitement dim a little. How difficult was it to wash? They spent every waking minute surrounded by water.

  Rel clearly agreed.

  “Utterly disgusting,” he observed. “You should be ashamed of yourselves. I don’t think I’ve ever seen – or smelled – such an assembly of unwashed filth.”

  The pirates were apparently very sensitive about their appearance, and Rel’s words inspired a barrage of colourful swearing and threats. They closed in, the points of their swords hovering uncomfortably close.

  The captain chuckled.

  As far as menacing laughter went, the guy was pretty talented. He conveyed both the promise of violence and a complete lack of humour rather effectively.

  “We won’t kill ‘em yet, lads. I’d hate to ‘ave to rush the job” he said. “Let’s wait until after we’ve found the treasure. Tie ‘em to the mainmast for now. They can witness our glory before they die!”

  Treasure?

  My excitement returned in full force.

  I nudged Rel with my foot and whispered, “Go along with it for now.”

  He glared at me for a few moments, but then responded with a tiny nod.

  * * *

  While tied to the mast, we overheard fragments of numerous conversations and started to form a basic idea of what was going on. Apparently, news of a vast hoard of treasure had spread, and every pirate ship in the region was racing to be the first to claim it.

  Guess what the island was called?

  Yep.

  Treasure Island.

  If anything, the outrageously unoriginal name made me even more excited for what was to come.

  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I whispered.

  Rel turned to look at me, greed blazing in his eyes.

  “It’s treasure time.”

  I rose to my feet, the ropes that held me in place snapping as if they were made of the cheapest, most brittle paper imaginable. Bewildered stares turned into roars, and we were quickly surrounded by an angry, filthy mob.

  Rel studied them all for a moment, the intensity of his gaze causing a few to gulp nervously and take a hesitant step back.

  “This ship is under new management."

  He said the words simply, as though he were merely commenting on the weather.

  It did not go down well.

  One of the pirates stepped forth, a big, mean-looking bastard who, judging by the scars crisscrossing his face, was no stranger to violence. In fact, he and violence were probably such good buddies that they regularly met for brunch.

  He glared down at Rel with utter contempt, drawing a cudgel from his belt and smacking it against the palm of his hand.

  “Would you look at this? A fluffy little rat running its mouth on our ship?”

  He took another step forward, raising the cudgel. An evil smirk played on his lips.

  “Know what we do to rats ‘round here?”

  I stepped into his path, raised a hand to stop him, then shook my head pityingly.

  “What I’m about to do is for your own good. Calling him a rat? Believe me, it’s better this way.”

  Before the pirate could so much as blink, I was behind him. He yelped as my hands locked onto his collar and waistband. He squealed as I lifted him off the deck. He screamed as I spun on the spot, gathering speed until I became a human tornado.

  I let go..

  He hurtled away from the boat, his flailing body shrinking to a speck in seconds.

  Then he was gone.

  Dumbass pirate blasting off again.

  I was incredibly disappointed that there wasn’t a little twinkle as he disappeared from sight.

  I must admit, though – I was impressed that his body didn’t crumple from the force. I guess these Floor Six guys were pretty tough.

  When I looked back, I noticed two things at once.

  First, Rel was doubled over, laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

  Second, the pirates’ weapons now hung limply by their sides, gormless disbelief plastered across faces. They kept glancing between me and the spot in the distance where I’d yeeted their friend.

  The pirate captain cleared his throat, and everybody turned to face him. He had a slightly distracted look in his eyes, and I could easily imagine the conflict currently taking place in his head.

  ‘I’m a dickhead. I like being in charge of this ship. Bossing people around makes me feel good about myself.’

  ‘But that ridiculously handsome guy with the stylishly messy hair just threw my first mate into a different time zone.’

  The second voice won out. With a resigned sigh, he removed his hat and stepped in front of us.

  “Ye be the captains now.”

  Rel held out a paw for the hat. Then he paused. He looked at me. At the hat. Back at me.

  He sighed and stepped aside.

  “I think you should have this one.”

  Captain fucking Pete, reporting for duty.