Chapter 56

  I lay on my back, slowly bleeding out, staring into the black clouds. I’m so fucking tired… These wounds won’t kill me, but they’re not helping either. Deep bite marks are a real pain in the ass. They limit my potential big time. Still, my soul felt light as hell. After this grueling murder-marathon, it was like I’d aced every exam, nailed every term paper, thesis, and got a perfect score in the “life” column. Houses, trees, kids? That’s not even prep school.

  Gotta get out of here before someone shows up. Problem is, there’s nowhere to go. I’m at the bottom of this cursed labyrinth. Rock bottom. Even if I escape this demonopolis, then what? Hide? Eat dog meat? I turned my head. Beyond the arena’s high stands, the Lord’s palace spires pierced the sky. Only one being can set me free.

  The mid-boss is done for. If he was the King’s right hand, he was likely one of the strongest demons here. Does that mean I’ve got a shot against the final examiner? Hell if I know… But I’ll never get closer than now. This massive arena, the size of several football fields, sits right by the palace, just a few hundred meters from the spiral’s end.

  No clue how high Axis’s resistance was, but my magic power, boosted by two hundred fifty percent, stunned him. Elemental Affinity came in clutch right after hitting level one hundred. No idea what sparked that crazy growth: my grasp of electricity, zapping myself 24/7, juggling dozens of charges in my body, calling myself Elon, or all of it together?

  I used my last strength to hide the general’s body under a pile of others, then lay back, faking exhaustion. Half an hour later, my feral healer appeared on the stands.

  - Yo! Over here! – I called. He just looked around, spooked. – Axis stepped out for business. Said he’ll be back soon.

  The mute demon kept staring, confused, unsure what to do.

  - He said once you heal me, you can take a piece. Said one arm’s enough for me. Heal first, though!

  This demon resisted hostility well, but his urge to eat me burned stronger. When I dropped the magic words, he lunged without thinking about getting out or whether it’s smarter to bite first, heal later. He got right to work. Guess intellect doesn’t cover brainpower. Poor, dumb, dead demon… Healing restores a bit of mana and stamina, by the way. After killing the poor bastard, I decided to snack on his flesh, but as I chewed his severed arm, it grabbed my throat.

  I nearly shit myself. The demon’s 100% dead, and this arm’s not even his anymore. In a panic, I tried ripping it off. Took some effort. The severed limb hit the ground, writhing like a snake. Freaked out, I blasted it with lightning, and it stopped its creepy dance. Fuck off with that shit!

  But the fun was just starting. Corpses I’d made half an hour ago forgot they were dead and started rising like it was nothing. Headless, legless, split in half, they all shuffled toward me with one goal: get rid of the guy sticking out for being too biologically active.

  Shit, what do I do? I’m not joining your zombie cult. I tried magic, but the zomb-doggos got back up after my shots. Fighting them was a massive pain in the ass. They were weaker and slower post-death, but no less of a hassle. I hacked off dog limbs, and they kept chasing me on what was left. Two options: grind them into mince or take out the necrophile behind this.

  On the stands stood one of those demons who’d drop by to watch my suffering, glaring with big yellow pupils. Why the hell is he here today? It’s Tuesday! I spent a month tracking this place’s visitor schedule, and no one’s supposed to be here. I was too careless. Life teaches me nothing. The arena walls were about twenty meters high. I can’t jump that, but staying here’s not an option. I bolted through the zombie-doggo crowd, slicing with my weapons. Limbs flew everywhere. I used shocks to keep them at bay. I’m heading straight for the necromancer. A ten-meter leap, and I grabbed the wall with annihilation technique. The demon leaned over the edge to see what the fuck was going on, but I shot up like a ninja. A true spirit of vengeance, unyielding stare, death in my hands. His stunned face held a single question: “Uh?” I wasn’t answering. His neatly severed head fell into the bloody mess below.

  What’s with all the hype about necromancers? Easy win. Wilson didn’t warn me about these satanic types like him. I’ll bring it up later. One more thing to do.

  I walked the stands to the gate. As expected, a massive pen with hundreds of monsters waited outside. A wide, low-walled road led from it to the city’s edge, where another pack of hell-doggos approached. Leading this freakishly organized column, riding a demonic whale with legs, was another spectator. He’d been gathering this bio-trash here all month. He stood out with a third horn on his forehead.

  I hid by the stairs and waited till he herded the pack into the pen. After parking his oversized Bucephalus, he strolled calmly toward the stands. I need to catch him off guard, but if his perception’s like Axis’s, surprise is out. Wonder how long a guy can live with a stopped heart? I held my breath and told my body to die a bit while he climbed. He wasn’t rushing. Five seconds, ten, fifteen… My vision darkened. Screw it… I jumped out and blasted lightning in his face. One leap closed the distance, and I drove a dagger into his neck mid-passage. We rolled down the stairs with his corpse. Deep breath… I stood, twisted my torso a few times. Bones intact, just a slight spine crunch. Good. Time to visit the boss.

  Finding the exit without the doggos spotting me was easy. My weapons were on me. Clothes? Just my Hulk costume again. Shame Wire’s not here. Guy was a godly tailor… Covered in blood, I stepped onto the street leading to the palace entrance. Super convenient. Probably so the Lord doesn’t strain himself with walks.

  Right then, I decided to end this saga once and for all. Bare feet stepped slowly on the warm stone road. My soul was calm. Marble statues of winged gargoyles and succubi lined the fence, silently watching with empty eyes. Further off, the massive wall loomed with its insane size. I wondered: what if I climbed it? What’s up there? Blue sky in golden sunlight? Would I be happy, even for a moment?

  The road sloped upward until the city sprawled lazily across the river. The heart of universal evil. The center of this world I’m stuck in. If I had a few nukes, there’d be nothing left. But that wouldn’t erase the hate. I gave it one last look and marched forward.

  After climbing the zigzagging stairs, I stopped before the gate’s hundreds of agonized, screaming faces. How do I open this? – I thought, but someone installed motion sensors, and the gates parted. Very convenient, thanks. Entering the courtyard, the creepy faces on the open gate grew even worse. They writhed silently in pain, like living people were trapped under the metal. Now that’s a warm welcome. Their mute screams sent shivers through me. Shit… Just more magic. I’m not scared of cheap tricks!

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  The courtyard was empty, save for the angry winged demon statues. The red spiral door ahead looked like a quest marker in a game. Behind it hid the real devil. The embodiment of all human pain and fear. And here I am, crazy enough to walk right to him. Am I an idiot? That guy’s level is over nine hundred! My resolve must’ve fallen out of my pocket on the way. I suddenly wanted to bolt.

  But when I turned, I faced granite statues blocking my path. Frozen with twisted maws, they reached for me with long arms. They were here when I passed, right? I just didn’t notice. Well… Gotta hand it to you. This trick scares me. Guess I shit myself twice today. But I know what to do. Doctor said don’t blink. Easy, right? Especially for me. Don’t blink!

  I backed away, eyes locked on the statues, until I bumped into something solid. That’s when I realized I was surrounded—another stone demon. Shit… How do they move so quietly? Before I could think, they showed me. Their light, silent moves nearly took my head off. Knew I shouldn’t trust shows in real life. Especially sci-fi. Especially British.

  Punching or stabbing stone’s a dumb idea. So is lightning. All I could do was dodge. I tried maneuvering, pitting statues against each other, but they didn’t mess up. They moved in sync, like one mind. And I’m pretty damn sure that’s the case. One demon’s controlling them, and like the necromancer, I just need to kill him. But where is he? Using thought acceleration and micro-body control, I avoided hits, but I’m not testing whose mana runs out first. Where’s this puppeteer hiding? Logically, these statues are security, controlled remotely. No cameras, so it’s old-school medieval surveillance—a tower.

  One stood off to the side. Yeah, I’m no Sherlock. More like a cap. The lone candle was twenty meters wide and way taller. Dim light glowed in its upper windows. I bolted for it. Seeing this, the statues got more aggressive, trying to stop me. But my determination’s like diarrhea—you can try to hold it, but the end’s predictable.

  Two stone demons with big shields guarded the tower’s entrance. They tried blocking me, but a simple door would’ve done better. In a slick leap, I flew between their heads and raced up the spiral stairs. Good thing my agility’s high; the statue mob couldn’t catch me. At the top, I saw another familiar demon who liked betting on me. His face froze in panic, hands frantically carving a hulking monster-warrior from stone. Cool process, but you thought I’d just watch? Legendary lunar idiot… No time wasted, I slipped behind and drove a knife into his neck. His new statue stayed faceless. Probably for the best.

  Phew… Call it a warm-up for the main boss. Thanks to the sculptor, I’m confident again. I descended to the courtyard and stood before the red spiral door. By genre rules, I should kick it open. Shit… It didn’t budge. Tough… Tried again, same result. Hope nobody saw… Face red, I remembered it opens outward. Fine, opened it normally.

  Inside, nothing changed. I swaggered in, arms wide, cool as hell. Daddy’s home! The long carpet led to the throne, but it was empty. Just two guards in golden armor silently watching it. Seeing me, they exchanged shocked looks.

  - Yo, guys, where’s the head Satan? – I asked, but instead of answering, they pointed spears at me. – What’s with everyone going mute? Screenwriter not paid or what?

  They attacked without hesitation. Man, I’m sick of this… How many mid-bosses are there? Their moves were insanely fast, but I could read them. After a few paired attacks, they stopped, baffled they hadn’t killed me. Meanwhile, I showed off my shitty “moonwalk” on the glossy black floor.

  - Come on, boys, that’s all you got?

  Fuck, shouldn’t have done that. They got pissed. Their stabs grew desperate, full force. Dodging one, I realized a thrust meant for me smashed a granite column and blew a hole in the far wall with just the air. Forgot what monsters I’m dealing with. I got serious fast. My strikes did little through their thick armor. No gaps to stab. Had to try a tactic that failed with the statues. Took a long setup. I pissed them off more and manipulated them so finely that by the twentieth move, they lost sync, standing on opposite sides, ready to unleash their ults. To keep their simultaneous strikes from stopping short, I blinded them with a shock at the last second. Two massive blows punched holes through each other’s chests.

  - That’s how it’s done, boys… Standing by an empty chair all day won’t make you smarter.

  I looked around. Despite the noise, no one else showed. Felt like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Fine, guess I’ll wait. What to do… I sat on the throne. Pretty uncomfortable, but the fur lining was nice. My ass appreciated it. Man… Quiet. Empty. Nothing to do here. If I were the King, I’d take a bath or something. Why sit here?

  Footsteps echoed from the side. Blue-eyes approached, studying papers, not looking up. He passed me and kept going. No way… That’s straight-up disrespect. I wanted to backstab him, like any smart guy would, but… How could I resist seeing his reaction to me on the throne?

  - Ahem… – I coughed. Hope that’s enough. He froze, turning his blue eyes to me. Oh yeah… That’s it… He locked up. My half-naked, blood-smeared body didn’t fit the decor, but that’s not why his jaw dropped. I felt pure bliss, mirrored in my grin. Now I can die happy.

  - How… – That’s all he managed. Must be a muteness epidemic in the palace.

  - Looking for someone. Know where your boss is? Got some union questions.

  His gears finally turned. He saw the guards’ bodies and put two and two together.

  - HOW DARE YOU?!!

  God, so much bile… He charged. Two bright blue beams shot from his hands, forming lightsabers. Motherfucker, he’s a Jedi! Disney’s gonna tear me apart! One swing sliced the throne’s backrest in half. I’d already jumped off, obviously, or who’d be telling this? I caught a sweat drop on his cheek as he realized he’d just cut the royal throne.

  - I’LL FUCKING END YOU! – His blue eyes blazed with rage. He swung his swords wildly, no precision, no fencing—just chaos. Dodging got harder, but a couple of targeted shocks to key muscles adjusted his moves. Result: no arms. Lightsabers aren’t toys.

  Shock hit him like a tsunami. Oh yeah… Another life highlight for the memory bank. He dropped to his knees, drowning in fury, hatred, confusion, contempt, and humiliation, all stewing in his poor head.

  - How… You’re only level one hundred four… How the fuck did this happen?

  - Your boss sponsored this party. Ask him. By the way, where is he?

  - You… I don’t get how you escaped, but even if you kill me, you’ll never beat the other generals. When Axis returns, he’ll crush you like a bug in a second. Baglot Three-Horn’s monsters won’t even feel you in their teeth. You kill demons, but Krogosh the Sinister will raise them again. Darmat’s thousands of immortal statues will find you anywhere in the city. You can’t escape or hide. You’re doomed. But I hope the Lord’s flames erase you, leaving no ash!

  - Damn… Those guys were that cool? And I killed them all so easily. Almost… awkward.

  - What?

  - Darmat’s the crazy sculptor in the tower, right? And Three-Horn rides that demon-whale, collecting fodder? Any other generals? Wanna try them all.

  - Uh…

  - No? Guess you’re the last… Got any last words?

  - You’ll never…

  - Boring. – Blue-eyes died.

  Guess I’ll find the Lord myself. I took a palace tour: long corridors, spacious courtyards, checking out paintings, statues, tapestries, tasting wines, and killing random demons in droves. I wandered for a while, up and down stairs, peeking into rooms, but no King. I was losing hope when I heard weird, creepy sounds from one room. Cautiously, I looked in. The noises came from that poor Lord of Pain, hanging on hooks from the ceiling. The sight of a tortured-to-madness human hit me with a strange, melancholic vibe. But it lifted fast when I saw the Lord in a big pool of dark, hissing liquid, eyes closed, totally relaxed. Hearing my steps, he reacted without looking.

  - Grab me a beer. – He ordered quietly.

  No way… He’s so chill. Then again, I’m the one who’s had to sleep with eyes open. He hasn’t felt danger in thirteen thousand years. This is my chance.

  - Yes, My Lord. – I replied politely and dipped out for a minute.

  I came back, no beer. Alcohol’s bad for you, you know. Eyes still closed, he reached out, but instead of a glass, I stabbed a dagger through his open palm. Oh yeah… Never thought killing the strongest bastard here would be the easiest.